I killed myself with my own expectations.

I think i am depressed.
Think i lost in another battle wit depression.
Maybe i am jus too tired to fight anymore. I jus kinda of gave in.
The heart wrenching feeling, whereby ur nose feels sour at the slightest setback, and tears jus roll down ur eyes when u feel jus a little emo.
Signs of depression for me.

Many may think i am fucking lucky.
And like the tragic tt happened recently, 5 young and dynamic roung singaporeans who passed away due to an accident at cambodia.
and they are all gone. jus like tt.
how are my pathetic problems compared to theirs?

But still. i think my mind have taken over my heart now. cause all my heart feels is pain.

let me tell u why.

ever felt like escaping from a problem, and after doin so, they jus don get better.
well.. i thought returnig to SG is a beter choice. and tts wat pl tell me too. come back to a place where ppl.. i wonder how true is tt..

b4 i am back.. i got stuf like, come back soon, we miss u..
come back soon, got so much to tell u.
come back soon, we must catch up k.

and when u r back. all these things are gone.
maybe they don even mean wat they say.
ppl jus say it cause maybe they feel obliged to.

when u r back. ppl are not tt enthu in meeting u anymore.
i feel tt even my dad takes me for granted.. which i so don like.

I got my results for my 1st semester in uni.
high distinctoin for financial management..
distinction for gaming management and business law.
and a fucking credit for my small biz.
yes its not bad.. but i don like being jus good.
i wan to be great.
i wan my straight distinctions.
but its not quite possible now.
this was a serious blow.

and when i thought someone is interested in me, tt person says to u, jus wanna be frens k.
fucking hell.. tell me wat i should feel..
yeah i noe i shouldn;t expect too much.. which i always do. in terms of work school and relationships.. tts why i always land myself up in such a miserable stage.

and why should i expect so mch from someone when i myself, can't even achieve the things i expect of myself..
for example, so much for losing weight.. i have not succedded at all.
so much for wanting to be a model.. but i have a fucked up discipline.
so much for wanting to have straight distinctions. i fucked it up again.
so much for wanting to be a filiel son when deep down, i don even really care.

I have reached a point where i noe i shouldn;t expect so much and should be contented..
but u noe wat.. the fuck up me don think this way.
i am feeling tortured inside now..
i have so much to say.. but i jus can;t put it into words.
maybe i should jus go cry my lungs out now.



281107, WED, 0138 hrs.

Back In Singapore. Not Too excited.

Alright. I noe I haven update for a long time.
Back in Sunny Singapore and I have been sweating like hell everyday.
The humidity sux.

Well.. I am typing this while visiting my dad in the hospital.
Something got into me and I jus decide to bring my laptop out wit me today.
So here am I typing this while my dad is sleeping beside me on the hospital bed.

I haven really been the filial son.
Most of the ppl around me should noe.
But since the day I was back in Singapore, which was THU, I have religiously come visit my dad everyday.
So today marks the 4th day of coming to the Singapore general hospital.
Seriously, visiting my dad is alright, but apparently I still hate traveling for like one hour or more to get to this place.
I think the patience training I got at aussie is still not enough.

As i sit inside the ward, there are a total of 5 patients including my dad.
All of them seems to face similar problems..
I think so.
Mostly regarding the throat..
Its relatively quiet cause most of the patients can’t speak..
Well my dad got his voice box removed and obviously he can’t speak too
So visiting him includes guessing wat he is trying to say most of the time.
And when we both give up, he will jus write.
Which leaves me wonder, why don he jus write in the 1st place..
Nvm tt.. not important..
And wat else can the useless and clueless son do then.
Well, I bought him newspapers so he can read..
And oso I wheeled him around the hospital once cause he was too bored in the ward.
And oso massaged his legs and arms cause its probably too cramped up due to laying in bed like 99% of the time.

I really can’t do anything much.
And I noe visiting him means a lot.
Cause my bro and sis haven come for a couple of days and he is pissed!
I swear he was.. he even asked me to phone them.
So the little brother here has to phone my siblings to ask them when they will be coming to visit dad, and its jus not very nice.
But well, they all have their reasons, and I always believe in giving the benefit of the doubt.
And who am I to judge them when I haven played my role, until now when the guilt has strike me.

Today is kind of a bad day for me.
Well some may think I am jus being pessimistic, but jus let me tell u guys why I kinda of hate today.
1st and foremost, I was suppose to meet one of my close frens tonite for dinner and she canceled out on me. Tt really sux.
But I shall tell u guys about the cancelling part more later.
But anyway, it sure pissed me off the 1st thing in the morning.
Then I decided to get a tan, so off to the pool I went.
And when I was about to leave house, the clouds rolled by and decided to not let me have a good tan.
And UNTIL I decide to leave the pool, then the sun came out again.
Irritating I swear.
Then wat else, since I was being cancelled tonite, I decided to call 2 other ppl whom I was thinking of meeting up, and guess wat, both of them r sleeping so obviously there was no reply.
Then as I went online, someone asked me to meet for dinner. And I was happy.
So I agreed.
Then the next thing u noe, another person asked me out for supper and drinks..
Which made it a little confusing.
Cause I do wan to meet all of them.
And after me being canceled out, I decided not to cancel out on any of them.
And now I have to juggle my time a little, but its no big deal.

Alright back to the canceling out thingy.
Sometimes I wonder if its me who jus over react or being too drama.
But I must stress something here.
IF U HAVE BLOODY MADE PLANS WIT ME, THEN U BETTER DON CANCEL IT UNLESS U R DEAD, OR CRIPPLED, OR WATEVER SHIT!!
Cause I seriously hate having my schedules being screwed up..
When I make plans wit u, moi take it down in my diary, if not mentally, and set a time exclusively for u.
And lets jus say moi’s time is damn fucking bloody precious.
And when I have to spend more time, making other plans, it jus piss me off.
I jus don like having nothing to do can!!
Well I don hate my fren, but I can’t deny the fact tt I am pissed.
Am I being unreasonable??
I noe I am possessive and I am a control freak..
Especially when It comes to work, but has this crossed the line in a frenship?
Some said if it was a last min cancellation, then its unreasonable,
Then how do u judge “last minute”??
Was meeting at nite, and cancelling me in the morning, say bout 8 hours b4 considered last min??
It seriously doesn’t matter how last minute it is, even if its planned like years b4 and u cancel out on me, I will still be pissed. This is wat I think..

I thought I may be over reacting, and thanx to the last super bad experience of being cancelled out by the jerk for tt one whole week.. and he did kindly inform me like 2 days b4, I was still fucking pissed and hurt.
And now, tt has escalated my hate in ppl cancelling out on me!
SHOW ME SOME BLOODY RESPECT!!
Tts wat I think..
Tell me if I am over reacting. Cause I seriously don noe..

Well lets change topic b4 I smash my laptop on the hospital’s floor.

Ok the nurse jus walked in and is now feeding my dad.
Via a tube through his nose, and basically its jus to get some milk and water into his body.
Its scary and disgusting.
And moreover, if one were to see the scars of the surgery, I swear u will come out wit a HUGH EEEWWW!!! Its damn scary, bloody, and painful!! Its looks damn painful I swear, but my dad says it doesn’t hurt..
Ok whatever.
Back to some other stuff then.
I don noe wat else to bitch a bout in life, but I must say all these bitching makes my day a little better.

Returning to sunny SG, hasn’t been really great.
A little regret, and I do miss tt jerk.
Yes stupid I noe.

Alright wait wait.. my dad is awake, so now I need to go massage him.. Continue later..

Alright I am back.. he slept again ad I decided to leave cause I was bored.
And I had decided to take a bus back so I can continue this super long post. Cause the train is always too packed, and I don get to sit.
So now I am typing on the bus..

Well.. back o missing the jerk.. I do miss him.. a lot.. I don noe why.
He doesn’y even love me tt much. I am stupid, but guess tts jus part of the irritating lifes we have.
I called him when I was at the pool jus now, apparently, he was drinving, so I said I call him later.. then after that when I called him like 2 hrs later, he was driving again.
Tis time back home to where he drove to.
I mean tell me I am damn bloody UNLUCKY la!!
Some things are jus not meant to be.

I am tired. Today, I felt like depression is starting to kick in.
I hate tt feeling, I am able to fight this feeling off usually. And stuff like dancing and KTV does help.
But I have none of those today.
Tomolo marks the start of working.
Gonna go back to teach, cause its considered pretty good money I guess.. and I don have much choice too.
Well.. I think I am gonna kill myself wit an over packed schedule.

Basically, its gonna be teaching, dancing, rehearsing for some upcoming performances which I have promised to take part in and maybe another additional part time job at some cheapo cafes or wat so ever ls.
I hope I have time to date and stuff, but seriously although past experience really made me damn xian about dating, I still wan to do it.
Its like I am addicted.. haiz.. don ask me why..
Its jus holding on to the hope tt u might still meet someone.

Someone encouraged me by saying this.
U have to kiss a lot of frogs b4 u can meet ur prince charming.
Haha. And I so agree wit this.
So maybe I should be gald tt at least I have give up hope.
I am tired.. gonna stop typing now..
Shall update again..



251107, SUN, 1755hrs.

Remeber me this way D. U mean a lot to me.

I had lunch wit him yesterday.

well u guys must be screaming at me, thinking why i am so stupid to still wan to see a jerk like him.

well it was a burfae treat tt he promised, and thus we went to this japanese restaurant, and had a fabulous lunch, at quite a Fabulous price too. but he paid, so it was ok.

we went for movie after tt, and watched Elizabeth, not too bad, but i was expecting more. and then he drove me home.



reason being, my mum called yesterday and confirmed a flight for me to be home tis WED, which is tomolo.

yes crazy i noe, some even wonder howw i can get a ticket in such short notice.

anyway guess it was destined.

so i had to rush home after lunch and movie wit him to pack, and nite time was jus hell.

called him after dinner to chat, and i jus wanted to clarify his feelings, cause trust me, yesterday's afternoon get together was really pleasant, i mean we really enjoy each other's company.

then as we talked, both of us lost it, and we jus cried like kids.

he seemd a little regret of tt e-mail tt he sent, but then i have already decided on going home early, so i have to do watever is decided.

guess he jus didn't expect me to do such a drastic thing.

so after much crying, i continued packing wit a heartache. and i sweart it sux.



its like my head made a veyr logical and correct decision of returning home early.

cause in tis case i don have to face him, and think of thim more when i am back, which may save more heartaches in the long run, and i should be home to visit dad. i have been too unfiliel, and i do believe a lot on karma. so tis is really bad karma, if i don show my dad more care and concern.



ok watever it is, the day still carries on wit a heart aching badly.

tis morning was more packing and stuff. and tis afternoon, i did manage to update my resume for job hunting in singapore for the next 3 motnhs.

and now here i am blogginng, cause i jus need a break, jus a little more stuff to pack u see.



tonite's plan is moi going to dinner wit him, cause i am buying him dinner as he has promised me to sent me to the airport.

and after dinner, i am staying over at his place.

ok, i heard another scream coming, cause when i told my housemates this, they jus smack and slapped and screamed at me for being stupid.

but then, the decision made by my head has already hurt my heart so much, i think spending my last nite here wit him, is jus to ease my heartache, and yes, my head is also screaming to me tt its not the right thing to do.

Watever, i have decided, so tt is jus going to happen, and tomolo evening, we will be heading to the airport.



so i guess tis post is going to be the last from aussie for 2007.

will update again when i am back in Singapore.

Pls wish me luck in finding happiness, or at least tell me wat to do to stay happy.

cause i seriously don noe now.

i am lost, i am confused when it comes to relationships.

its kinda of like my achilles heel.

I am now trying very hard to look forward to be home, and oso hope tt he and i can work things out.

meaning after i leave, i hope all the drama cease, and maybe, we can still be frens.

he created such a deep impact in me, i seriously wouldn;t be able to forget him at all.



i listened to a song, and i jus wan to dedicate tis post and song to him.

thanx for being my 1st aussie fren, and thanx for all the happy moments tt we had together.



Every now and then

We find a special friendwho never lets us down...

Who understands it all

reaches out each time we fall

you're the best friend i have found...

I know you can't stay

a part of you will never ever go away

your heart will stay.....

I'll make a wish for you,

and hope it will come true,

if life will just be kind,

to such a gentle mind,

if you lose your way,

think back on yesturday

remember me this way,

remember me this way.

I don't need eyes to see

the love you bring to me,

no matter where I go

and I know that you'll be there

forever-more a part of me and everywhere

I'll always care....

and I'll be right behind your shoulder,

watching you

I'll be standing by your side,

all you do

and I won't ever leave

as long as you believe,

you just believe....

I'll make a wish for you

and hope it will come true

if life will just be kind

to such a gentle mind

and if you lose your way

think back on yesturday

remember me this way

remember me this way.o.....this way.



I was reading the lyrics and listenng to tis song and the lousy me jus broke down again.

i can't stop crying.

Pls remember me this way.

I am gonna miss u, and i really really do care for u.

i jus hope u know.

good bye D.

Ur loving SunShine Forever.







201107, TUE, 1607hrs

Hate it when things don go the way i plan. Leaves me confused.

Today is a confusing day.
Meaning i feel confused.

Ok.. lets track back a little to last nite.
And from the last post, i have already announced the arrival or Tragedy.
Stayed home last nite and my 2 closest housemates, plus 2 more frens came over for dinner and drinking session.
I swear we had a hell of a good time! haha..
i haven been so high since like the last trip i took to china.
There was so much alcohol and i really jus indulge myself tis time.
escaping yes, hoping to forget all the hurt i have been through earlier.

anyway he called halfway and i talked to him while i was real high.
BUT i still noe wat i am saying, not drunk yet.
jus tt when u r high wit alcohol, u us get the courage to say the things tt u never thought u would.
and yes, i told him i have reached a breaking point.
i don think i will have the strength and courage to try again.
but i am glad he kept his promise to buy me lunch, bring me to the beach and also give me a lift to the airport.
maybe we could still be frens.
i hope the 3 months back in SG will make me forget the good times we had together.
and i also hope i will forget the pains i have been through.

Dating is like a drug to me.
I am so addicted, its like part of my routine to jus go out and date.
U can call me desperate.
but i think everyone is, i jus show it more, without shame.

today's plan was lunch wit him and dinner at his place while watching idol.
Instead, it was lunch wit my mates and then shopping for my present, dinner at home, and australian idol at home.
am i happy, actually i was.
but knowing tt there was an even better initial plan, makes me feel depressed.

i hate it when things don go the way i plan.
which in this case, is the best example.
maybe i shouldn't expect so much.
hoping tt tis will cause less disappointment.

the happy thing is i got a pair of smashing shoes which i really like thanx to 7 of my housemates who sponsored 140 bucks of it, and i had to top up onli 30 bucks more.
trust me, i am not really a show person, and tis show is considered the greatest investment so far.
170 aussie equates to about 225 Sing dollars. I swear its crazy!
but then, i think i jus wanna indulge and be happy.
anway its a burfdae present.

ok random thoughts cross my mind.
i am so not sought out.
room is in a mess although i am suppose to spend time to pack my room these few days, and i do have more time now since plans have been screwed up.

ok more random thoughts about HIM.
actually there are many reasons why its crazy for us to be together..
we totally don like the same kinda of music. and i mean really really different.
I am an attention seeker, and he totally hates it.
i am into hot guys wit good looks, and trust me, he is not hot, and actually, he is even a little overweight,, think 178cm and 83kg, when i am 181cm and 67kg.
yes i am taller by 3cm but he is heavier then me by like 16kg.
we don have much to talk about.
but then ppl say opposites do attract.

things tt may pull us together includes the same taste for film. meaning movies, not porn.
the way we kiss.
i mentioned to him tt he is the best kisser i have met, and i do mean it.
he corrected me by saying we are jus compatible kissers.
meaning everyone have different ways of kissing, jus tt if ur partner has the same kising style and pattern as u, then u 2 will probably enjoy more.
and yes he is the most compatible wit me so far.
he is a bottom and i am a top. meaning i like to fuck and he likes to get fuck.
we didn't really had sex. onli once and it failed.
not because i am lousy, ok maybe i was, but he wasn't even turn on the whole time.
so half way, i jus stopped cause he obviously wasn't enjoying as much as i am.
and this was oso the reason why he felt tt we were not meant to be together!
cause he said he needed more feelings for him to make love wit a person, and he is holding back his feelings for me because of wat happened in the past, and the fact tt i am going off for 3 months and he don wan to miss me so much, tts why he is not putting feeling in!
fuck tt selfish bastard.
anyway sex wasn't great, so tt was a minus point too.
plus point is tt he is not onli a good kisser, he is a good blower too, one of the best i had.
guess i should spare u guys the details here or it will be getting too explicit.

ok trying to stop thinking bout him and me.
things tt i really need to do now is to pack my room, pack my luggage, and do my resume, cause i need to find a part time job for money.
i am really poor. any donations will be welcomed.
ok then. i am tired.



181107, SUN, 2307hrs

Sorry, I lost it all again.

Life gives us a lot of opputunities to learn from our mistakes.
And when we don, they make us learn at even a higher and bigger price.
This is wat hapened to me.
Just when i thought i could give it all up, it came right back at me.
and then i fall for it, and made the same old mistake again.
Punishment tis time is far greater.
And I choose not to confront it anymore.
but rather, i wan to escape from it.
sorry for being a coward.
but i am tired.
its not the usual me to run away from my problems.
but i hope i am entitled to some rest and happiness.

I have been an unfilial son.
My dad is in hospital.
jus had an operation.
and here i am, thinking bout having fun for the coming week.
then tragedy struck today when all plans are going to be canceled due to some stupid reasons.
and i have no one to blame.
maybe it is god's will to wan me to return home soon.
maybe i am jus not entitled to love and be loved.
maybe i am jus not given to opputunity to have fun and relax here.
maybe returning to sunny singapore is jus a destiny i have to fulfil.

sorry to many of my frens whom i have disappointed too many times.
sorry for having to listen to me nag and bitch about how sad and fuck up my life is.
sorry for not listening to the advice all u guys have given me.
sorry for not loving myself like u guys love me.
sorry to the ppl who loves me, cause i haven loved u back enough.
sorry to shame u guys for making the wrong decision again and again.
sorry but the strong me, isn't tt strong after all.

i can't remmeber the last time i could cry out loud.
tears stream down my face whnever i feel sad.
but i really wan to cry out loud.
and i feel like doin it now.
i am not a drama queen.
tis is jus me.
fuck all those who think i act emo and dramatise my life.

cause the matter of truth,
i have a fucked up life, wit lots of fucked up ppl and i chose to stay fucked up despite having a lot more better choices to choose from.
ultimately.
i am fucked up.

i have no one to blame but myself.
fuck u bitch.
u lost again tis time.

i am not perfect at the end of the day.
I jus try to be.
but obviously, i have been an utter failure.



171107, SAT, 1815hrs

Shopping Makes me Crazily Happy!!

Yesterday was my last day of exams.
i wasn't really excited when it all ended. it was a little dissapointing cause i felt like i didn't do so well. i knew i could do better.
jus went for dance after tt and the day jus ended on a boring and bad note wit my mum calling, to "confirm" the bad news bout my dad. watever.

today was better. woke up early and 3 of my frens and i head down to harbour town, which is near gold coast to shop.
things there are known to be really cheap, so i was really excited over my retail therapy.
and we really shop like crazy. probably like more than 3 hrs of shopping. and i swear i bought a lot of stuff, and spend a lot of money too.. sorry mummy.
but it was worth it stuff, and most of it are presents for some of my frens, so its like a mutual thingy.

and i am so going to share wat i bought today, and the price of those stuff. haha..

1.) Rip curl flip flops. 3 pairs for $20.
when the original price of one pair was $24.95!! OMG.. tts how cheap it is.
and i spent another $3 to get one of those eco bags from rip-curl. haha.

2.) bought a pair of ear studs for jus $1 from "cotton on", and a female purse for a fren at $1!!
where do u even get a decent purse for $1?? its ridiculous.
and one of my frens decided to buy me another pair of ear studs too, so i got 2 new pairs!!
original price of one pair of ear studs: $5, and purse: $7

3.) went to "just jeans" and i almost bought a pair of skinny jeans which cost $20, but i was stoppoed by my frens. haha. they look tooooo skinny and also too gay on me. haha..
BUT, i still bought one tee-shirt from there for $10, when the original price was $30!!

4.) following tt was "city beach", and i onli bought an additional pair of flops for one of my female fren at $15. a little ex, but it is from billabong, and it looks really nice!. original price was $24.95 too, so still worth it!

5.) ADIDAS was the next stop!! OMG OMG OMG!! things are cheap, but nothing much tt i really like eh.
found the pair of shoes tt i was dying to have, but they don have my size! DAMN IT!!..
but then i bought 6 water bottles, all for my frens. haha, and they were like $6 dollars each!!
also bought 2 pairs of wrist bands at $13, will keep one pair for me, and the other for another fren.
oh, and also a track pants. those typical black ones wit white strips. yeah! have been wanting to get one, cause its $40 here, so its much cheaper, and thus finally got one. heehee. original price was $70 eh.

6.) oh then next was "jay jay's". this was when i am already tired, and the shop was going to close, but still i shopped like crazy!!
bought a dress for mummy, and it was onli $7.50!! when the original price was $29!!
and i bought 6 tee shirts!! YES 6!!! cause it was 3 for $10!!! haha.. one for my fren, and all the rest for MOI!! yeah!! haha.. original price of one t-Shirt is $15, and thus 6 would have cost $90, but i onli spent $20!! CRAZY I NOE!!

tt pretty sums up all the shopping for today, jus 6 shops and we were tired already, plus the shops were also all closed by the time we are done. haha..

total amount spent today: $155 (everything accounted in aussie dollars, haha)
total savings gotten: $215 (WHICH MEANS I SAVED MORE THAN I SPENT!!)

HAHA.. i noe i sound like some sales man, but i had so so much fun shopping!!
seriously, most of the stuff are for ppl, and onli maybe 20%percent is for moi. haha..
but still it was fun.
had dinner at nando's after tt and went for dance class too!! yeah..
so overall it was a good day although something unpleasant happen at nite, but i don wan to talk bout it, cause i wan tis to be a HAPY post. heehee..

yeah tt should be all for now!! looking forward to more happy holidays b4 returning to SG.



0153hrs, 151107, THU

Hapy 22nd Burfdae!!

Today is Moi's burfdae.
22nd one.
but i am trying to convince ppl tt its my 18. haha.. how sad.
when u r old, u jus try to be young.

Last nite on the bed, i was listening to my MP3 and then i heard my phone rang.
Well, it was when i realised its 12am, and there it was, my frens in brisbane called, the ppl who don stay wit me.
I am touched, we talked for almost 20mins, sorry to waste so much money cause its expensive to make calls in aussie.
and the 3 of them are actually the one who sponsored my 1st burfdae present, the FCUK cardigen.
so i was really touched.
but yesterday's paper, international gaming managment proved to much to think, and i had a headache after tt. went home, had dinner and jus slacked.. haha

this morning, the lazy me, and the really cool weather made me slept in.. till late. haha..
onli woke up at bout 11 cause was suppose to go for lunch together wit 2 of my housemates and another guy, who drives.
so we head down to booval, another part of brisbane for lunch at red rooster.
ok. red rooster is like a fast food restaurant, think KFC.. and yes, their speciality is oso chicken,..
haha.. so we had lunch there.. and it was alright.. not too bad.
i chose tis place cause i haven tried b4, so trying not to be left out, my frens had to come wit me. haha..
and it wasn't extrememly satisfying i must say..
so the stressful 4 of us, went across the street and cotinued eating chicken!! haha.. at KFC!!
yes we ate like we were starving kids man!! and i was so sick and tired fo chicken after lunch..
and i went to school for some revision, and i onli like studies for 1 hr, b4 heading to the library for some youtubbing again.. haha.
and in order not to feel guilty, i had to convince myself tt its my burfdae, so its alright.. but seirously, studying is so tiring and i really had no motivation, wit a great thanx to the weather.. it has been raining non stop since last nite..
u jus wan to sleep!!
haha..

tonite's dinner was not bad.. it wasn't tt good, but i was smiling throughout..
cause when i arrived at the dining hall, there was a hugh boy sitting on the table, and b4 i even step into the dining room, i can already hear my housemates screaming.
and there it stood. i opened the box and read the card.. and i was shocked.. seirously..
the person whom i least expect to give me surprises actually had flowers delivered to me.. half a dozen of lilies..
i swear i am not a flower person, but i was touched.. truely.
it smelled great, and the lilies are not standing tall in my room and toilet.. haha..
my housemates bought me another cake and we had more burfdae song singing and photo taking after dinner..
was i happy today??
i really had a bunch of mixed feelings..
touched by the gifts, happy about the smses and the messages i got online.
i truely noe tt i am blessed wit a lot of ppl around me.
i told myself i think i should learn how to be more happy bout life, and focus on the happy stuff..
wit examss still in mind, and totally no mood to study, i am trying to excuse myself to sleep early again tonite..
but should i ?
i tink i really lost the motivation and drive in me to do well..

anyway i oso realised something today.
despite not being a flower fan, receving the flower felt great. its not about the gift..
its about the oohhhhsss and the aaahhhsss u get from the ppl around u..
u can see how envy or even jealous some ppl can get..
nothing bad.. but u jus felt like the most important person sometimes..
jus too bad this feeling onli last for a while. tts why sometimes i rather get a gift tt can last longer.
i don noe.. but watever it is, i must stress i am really ahppy wit the gift and the luv i got today.
I am blessed. i jus need to learn how to treasure it more. and stoop asking for more.
HaPy 22nd Burfdae!!
Move on, Be strong, Stay Focus & Love everyday.


071107, WED, 2111hrs

Its not the place tt is screwed, its me who is screwed.

Believe it or not, over the course of more than 2 yrs, i onli gotten my 100th post. haha..
i am not a fan of blogging like i said.
my blog is boring and upsetting.
but i don deny the fact tt it does help me express my inner feelings and make my dinner better.. sometimes.
well.. tis is the 2nd post of today.
i slept like for 4 hrs in the afternoon. trust me, i am not tt lazy usually. as in i don sleep tt much.
but tt was like a form of escapism.
Still a little upset over my paper today.
ppl have told me i wrote too much. and i still thought i didn't cover enough.
i am in a state of confuse. i am worried for my results.
i jus can't move on... yet..
i wanted someone to talk to.
i called the 2 guys tt i liked.
one has his phone off, and he is apparently in melbourne now. totally unrealiable..
the other in sydney, comfirmed tt we have both iven up tis long distance dating thingy.
he felt embareesed in telling me , so i had to tell him 1st.
tell me my heart is broken and the pressure is killing me.
i jus wan a break. not a break up.
I am always glad tt i have pretty a lot of close peeps around me to share my joy and sadness.
And i am also ashame to say tt i have never treated them well enough at times.
but i am really sincere and i do care a lot for them.
i wonder if this comes off to them cause i realise i always give very bad and wrong impressions.
love has become a really far fetched thing for me now.
and how i hope i can date a gal. hopping tt a gal will not be like a guy.
cause i hope they don jus like me physically.
gay love is heavily based on physical attraction and sex, which is really turn off after sometime.
dinner was so bloody feeling wit pizzas and chicken, i feel like puking now.
waiting for more movies on TV to show, so i can slack and get fat.
next show in 10 mins is charlie's angel.
OK... i miss Singapore today. the food and the company i have back there.
Everything here seems screwed.
the studies and the dating.
i am screwed.
it happen back then in Singapore, now in Aussie.
its not tt place. its jus me.
someone tell me wat to do pls?


021107, SAT, 2131hrs

Andre Ziehe and Evandro Soldati. HOT Brazalian Models.

Today i feel defeated.
I went to war and it didn't turn out well.
I had so much prepare, but i didn't manage to show it.
There was jus not enough time.
I can't even believe i wrote non-stop for 2 freaking hours.
I believe i wrote a lot more than the other ppl in the room. some even left early, how stupid.
I know i should move onand start studying for the other stuff, but i think i am entitled to broad over tis pathetic issue and be sad for a while.. haiz..
alright.. i jus had lunch and now i feel like sleeping.. how fatteing..
today's exam was like i already tried my best but its not good wnough..
and tis feeling seriously sux.
one paper down. 3 more to go..
wish me luck..
i jus found 2 new models to envy and get motivated on.
Andre Ziehe and Evandro Soldati. they are 2 hot brazalian models who is totally high fashion i swear..
they have done like LV, D&G, Armani, DSquared..
all the brands tt i wan to model for..
and then i realise they are my age.. how sad!! and they are 6 foot 2..
even sadder.. tts lke 188 cm.. and tts the standard height la..
i jus need to be taller.. and everytime i tell ppl tt, they jus say i am tall enough..
wat ignorant beings..
they don noe the fashion industry, i am onli tall enough to be a female model! hahaha..
byebye.. wanna sleep and resstttt..


031107, SAT, 1410hrs.

Confessions.

Alright.. i have a few confessions to make.

I have a paper tomolo.. like my 1st exam after don noe how many donkey years.
I am quite stress.. but not tt stress yet.
cause i still feel like facebooking and youtubbing.. which is not good..
and i actually spent time blogging.. so u should noe i am not studying hard enough.
but i noe the pressure is going to step in as the day gets closer.. mind u tt my paper is early 8am tomolo, so i totally don have any time to study tomolo actually..
and yes, i actually thought of watching TV tonite after dinner!! OMG.. wat am i doin??
tell me i am too slack.

i always wonedr wat do ppl do wehen they get stressed and stuff..
for me, i have to go to the toiolet b4 any paper, cause i have had too much experince of visiting toilet during the paper and its suck a waste of time.
and i noe i am so not going to have enough time to go toilet tomolo ducing my 2 hr paper.
and when i say go toilet, it means shitting.. cause my stomach jus gets upset when i am anxious.
haha.. no matter how prepared i am, i will still wan to shit.

and the night b4 when i get too stress thinking bout the paper the next day, the best rememdy for me will be the Big O.. as in orgasm.. yes.. ok.. a little rated here.. so skip this if u r weak hearted..
Its always good to have a partner to fuck when u are stressed.. i swear its great relieve when u orgase.. it jus puts u to sleep, and relax ur body.. and since i am alone here, i guess my best frens will be my hands.. and isn't tt jus sad..

ok.. i am in school now.. trying to study and stuff.. but still stuck to the computer..
there is like a routine everyday when i wake up.
switching my laptop is one of the things. and then logging on to yahoo mail, facebook. friendster and fridae is the next step after washing up and breakfast.
and if time allows, it will then be followed by many of my fren's blog.. hahaha.. tell me i am pathetic..

Tomolo is an uncertain day. i have never took an exam for years and to think, its one overseas.. how would i noe how issit going to be like? OMG
thinking bout it makes me nervous..
all i noe is tt i onli have 2 hrs and everyone jus stresses, 2 hrs is NEVER enough.. haha.. i can't imagine myself writing for 2 hrs non stop.. but guess tts jus the deal.. i better take my medication tomolo b4 my arthritis worsen..

oh.. and recently there was this sweet guy who came up to me on friendster and added me..
then we started to chat on MSN. and we do have quite a lot to chat about;.. haha..
so i am looking forward to going back to SG and meet him..
but he is an aries.. and the scorpio me has never been known to be able to attract aries.. well.. i hope he is one of the few then.. and he is kinda of closeted..
and there is another OMG factor to it.. he is an ACS plus ACJC boy.. i never thought i can get along wit ppl like tt cause they are jus full of themselves and stuff. haha.. but whatever it is, lets jus wait till i have seen him for further comments..

and yes, i have gotten my 1st burfdae present for this year courtesy of 3 of my close peeps who are in aussie too!! its the cardigen tt i bought from FCUK.. they offered to pay for me as my burfdae present.. i am happy!! cause i really like it..
now i am jus looking forward to more presents.. haha.. how shameless.. but this is a confession post isn't it? watever..

ok.. i am tired from typing already. gonna watch some top model.. oopppsss... someone kick my ass so i can go study...
after my top model thougj.. hahahaha/./



021107, FRI, 1252hrs