End of week 1, Start of week 2. Time flies.

I am blogging now in a state where i am almost dead..

worked for the past 2 days like crazy, like i clock about 16 hours for both days.

which is quite a lot.. cause i haven work so hard for so long..

but i must say wit the hard work, comes good money too..



this weekend marks the end of week 1 of school!

OMG.. that is so damn fast, b4 i noe it, its all gonna be over!



and yes, after work on SAT, i went over to toowong again, styaing over at my fren's place.

i love gatherings wit them.

i love being away from ipswich at times..

the thought of coming back can be depressing.

but i do treasure the personal space and freedom i have here..

it was fun chatting and hanging out wit my "family" here in brisbane, and we slept like at 4am..

and i was very touched when my ex ipswich sista, who jus graduated, and will be going back singapore coming TUE, bought me some gifts..

things that only a true fren will noe..

i love her a lot.. we have a lot of connection.. and we are similar in a lot of ways.

we don believe the cheesy, "u r my best fren thingy",

but we do appreciate the presence on one another.

and the trust we have for one another, is not to be doubt...

i am gonna miss her when she is back in singapore..



well anyway.. had a great dinner hang out wit her and all her good mates in aussie.. which was a table for 12 at a chinese restaurant..

it was all good and heart warming..

it might not feel that good when we were having dinner, but now that i am here typing this, thinking of wat happen jus now.. really was special, and i miss it..



she is reluctant to go back cause she love this place..

i love my freedom here too.. but maybe not this place..

i still yearn for the day where i can roam the world, and settle in differnet places every year..



anyway i am so tired, but returning late from all the fun, means a lot of last minute work too..

like printing my notes for upcoming classes, and thus taking some time out to blog while the printer is churning..



i am taking financial reporting tis sem as an eletive, and i must say..

although i am good wit numbers, looking at my lecture notes now, scares me to death..
OMG>. those extensive tables and charts..

it can be scary when it doesn't make sense to u.. haha..



and i am printing a lot of course and assesement details.

and i really should slap myself awake, and start on those essays..

i noe my groups are simply waiting for me to get thigns started, and i hate to admit, but i am such an attention seeking born leader.. haha..

oh well..

time to sleep cause its like 2 am plus already!! oMG..



and my plan is to wake up at 8 am tomolo to do my laundry for the past week, then head for my 10am class..

upon that, it will be lunch and oprah winfrey...

then it will be gym after that, and probably will be heading for a free movie screening tomolo evening,..

see, i have a life here! haha.. i can't believe how i can make myself so busy at times too.

i am seiously packed like crazy!.. haha...



oh gosh, and i watched X files the movie today, jus simply because mamma mia ran out of tickets when i was there.

it wasn't good. it was too slow and draggy..

but well, it was leisure time for me, and i jus wanna do things that makes me relax i guess..

and not think about school or cafe work..

well well.. i shall rest and look forward to a better week 2 ahead!!





280708, MON, 0218hrs

3rd day of school. and i am still bored.

Thats me holding on to my dad' s hand.. one week b4 he pass away.

he was already bed ridden, and in a lot of pain at this stage..

did i mention his main cause of death was the collapsed of his lungs, but at this stage he had already got a mild stroke, heart attack, spreading of the cancer cells from the throat to the bones, and even tumor in his head.

Yes, i don even feel like thinking about the pain, to make matter worse, since he got his voice box remove last year, he couldn't even yell out his pain, but the expression on his face, its jus priceless..

It serves as a reminder to not smoke, and also drink less..

I have some questions for my dad after he left, but i don think i would ask him even if he is alive.

well. i am jus confused..

school has started and today marks the 3rd day..

She was in school wit her GF on the 1st day and i bumped into them..

today, i had a project discussion wit her, and her GF was there too..

and when we went to class today, her GF was there too..

How did i feel? Nothing..

How did she feel? I don noe..

How everything felt? Awkard.

ok there was a bloody blackout 5 mins ago, and now i am back typing again..

i swear this place is like some ulu place on earth..

blackouts.. OMG... that is so not fun..

anyway, its also strating to be freaking cold..

i reackon it will get worse..

and today, i had to drag myself out of bed to go to the gym, and i was so late, i only got 45mins left, b4 it closes..

and to my pleasant surprise, there was a really really HOT guy there..

he is like the person in charge, some sort of trainer, but i don use him. and i am too shy to talk to him.. seriuosly.. haha. but he is jus DAMN HOT!!..

oh well.. the only good thing that happen today..

and did i mention, i haven been to the gym for so long, and i think i did too much, i go giddy walking home, and i almost puke in the bath.. haha..

i am so weak.. i swear..

i think i jus need to get into the motion of things for now..

pick up where i left off, and be the same old fighter..

I am tougher then wat i think i am..

As long as i don feel tired... haha..

230708, WED, 1752hrs

11th July 2008. Papa's death anniversary.

my dad left me on the 11th july 2008..
it was 0425 in the morning, i got a call from my maid, and i got to the hospital in the fastest time i could..
the body that has stop breathing..
i noe his time has come..
i planted a kiss on his forehead. and told him, to have a safe journey, and take good care..

i sat there, tearing... but i didn't cry..

thoughts run through my head..
was it unfilial of me to want him to go?
did i even consider him a burden at times?
i don noe.. do i feel bad?
maybe at times..
instead of blaming my dadfor not being a good father..
i turn to ask myself, how good a son was i?

surprisingly, the last post, was also the last time i had the chance to go online in the hospital.. after 11 days.. he passed away on the 12 day..

the wake was for 4 days, and the 5th day was the cremation day..
it was tiring. but i tried to stay up as much as i can..
jus so to company my dad more when i still can..
lots of relatives were there, most of which, i haven seen for more then 12 years..

and most importantly, lots of frens were there too..
and i really really count myself, extremely lucky..
frens from all walks of my life came by..
and of course many whom didn't turn up, but showed their care in other ways..

the best lesson i guess my dad has taught me was to not smoke and drink..
and i am going to not smoke, and promise myself to drink less too..
i should also remind myself to control my temper better, especially towards the ppl i love..
papa now that u r gone.. a part of me seems to be gone too..

moving on wit the drama i had wit the gal in the previous post..
i replied her.
apologising..
i really am in the wrong..
and i don wan any drama..
cause i still treat her like my fren..
so i jus hope everything is gonna be alright..
shall see her in school soon.. don noe wat it will be like..

today i was chatting wit him.
the aussie guy i dated some time ago..
the one i really loved.. the one we had on and off..
and today on MSN, he jus told me he is attached..
i don noe why, but it hurt so much i teared..

i am going through a lot of pain now..
the reason is because i am always trying to convince myself to let go of the things i love..
includes him..
includes her..
includes my dad..
includes the old me..

i am changing so much.. i don noe wat i have become..
the heartless unfilial son..
the horny bastard who sleeps around..
the career driven and ambitious guy..
the bitch in his own life..

when i left SG..
i didn't cry. in fact i felt relieve..
cause i thought i could runaway..
but i didn't manage to..
i am jus stuck in my own misery..

all i feel now is misery..
i am cold and lonely..
and yet, i am still trying to convince myself..
if i wan to make it in my life, i have to endure and push through..
cause tis is wat i have to sacrifice in order to gain the success i wan..
i don noe wat to say anymore..
i am fuck up..


200708, SUN 2348 hrs..

Time doesn't heal all wound, they jus give you scars.

i have been back in singapore for 11 days..
and i have been to the hospital for 11 days too..
this is way to depressing..
infact, i was strong, and mentally prepared in the beginning..
but i jus don noe wat the fuck my dad is holding on to..
and maybe i am feeling tired, and maybe i am jus go damn Sian..
but this whole situation has thrown me into a mild state of depression...
and it really sux..
it doesn't help when u stay alone, in a cold and dark house..
it was much better back where i can live wit my mum and grandmother.. it really makes a lot of differnce when u can wake up to the ppl u love.. and as much as i hate nagging, the fact that there is someone there for u when u need to talk, is jus extrememly comforting..

As i go through this stage of my life.. i noe its gonna be a great learning experience for me..
the possible passing of a family, and the cruelty of staying alone..
Its more then u can imagine..
Its like as though living alone is not sad enough, they have to take someone away from you.
oh well, thinking of this, scares me and numbs me..
the path i have chosen for myself.. the possibility of me slaving for a good career and education, will most probably throw me into this situation again, especially the living alone part..
i am disappointed at how bad i am coping wit such things..
oh well, i could go on and on complaining.. but lets jus change topic a little..

Remember the fren i like.. the gal who was my groupmate, and we jus got too close during the semester.. well well..
every now and then, i will drop her good nite messages and also tell her i miss her.. which is totally true, and i don do it all the time, i do it when i really do miss her..
i feel that i jus wan to tell someone how i feel, and be honest about it, cause u never noe when u might not have the chance anymore...

the same goes for last nite, and it was jus a hope u r doing well, and i miss u kinda of msg..
and FYI, there are times i address her as galfren, like i do to many of my female frens..
like "galfren" in a bimbotic way, and i did the same thing in the msg too..
and guess wat, i didn't realise her partner was wit her in brisbane, and she somehow saw the msg cause she probably was using the phone, and she shot me a reply back.. and i so wan to share this here...

"Hello *my name*, this is not *my fren's name* and neither is she your galfren. and yes, my galfren is very good wit me here. though i doubt she misses you. and i hope your dad is in good condition. so take good care of him and don't worry. i'm giving my galfren the bestest care she'd ever ask for. Kindly not message her again. oh *my fren's name* said hi"

in my current stage of mind.. it wasn't a pleasant msg..
wit the bitchy me, i would have shot back a msg immediately telling her many displeased i have.. which includes..
1.) I noe she is not my galfren.. but this "galfren" thing is jus the way i address a lot of other ":galfrens" i have, she really shouldn't feel insecure about it
2.) and u r not even my fren.. how can u say that she doesn't miss me.. its so in denial, i would have nothing to say if my fren typed this msg and she said she dodn't miss me.. but its not even her.. wat a loser...
3.) and honestly, i don care if she misses me anot. the fact that i msg her is because i missed her, and i don expect that in return.. and i have all the rights to tell someone i miss them.. and tis applies to the many frens i have too..
4.) the part where i was told to kindly not msg her again is the part where i thin i ought to get most pissed about.. cause the sad fact is, i still have to see her for the next semester.. and i will probably be doing 2 projects wit her.. and i am seeing her like a lot in school.. and how can i not msg her.. and moreover, like i said, its my perogative to msg anyone i like.. if my fren really don wan it to happen, then she could have told me herself.. she really was no one to tell me to stop messageing my fren...
5.) and the bitchiest part of hers was, after everything she said. she actually included the part where "my fren says hi". that was so unncessary..

ok ok.. i jus wanted to bitch here.. so i don get angry or anything. jus need to vent out my anger..
i haven got to replying her. and i am still wondering if i should.. cause its like i think i should reply, cause its jus not me to not retaliate. but then again. i am not quite in the right state of mind and mood to do so...

actually this whole situation has got me thinking a lot...
i mean 1st and foremost, i so belive tis is karma..
and its jus me being a slut again..
and then i was wondering how i would react if i am in her shoes..
and u noe wat..

i don think i will care that much if i am her..
i remember previously when i was attached.. my partner did get a lot of attention from other guys, and they wanted him more then a fren too.
and i jus stayed the way it is, like nothing happens, cause i jus have simply too much trust in my partners.. and i think my greatest gift to them is me being faithful, and i oso expect them to be faithful too.. if they were really do things that are wrong, i noe i am in no wrong, and i haven failed them in any way..
and also.. if things were to go wrong, it will sonner or later without that trust..
and lets jus say, i think i have too much confidence in myself and my partner too..

well previousloy, my partner did happen to do something wrong. but it wasn't to the point where i can't forgive him.. so i was alright wit it..
and the thing was, he jus felt so guilty, he had to own him to me..
and wit that, he manage the still keep the trust i had for him..
cause if he were to deny and lie to me. i think i will find out sooner or later, and things would be a lot uglier now..
well watever it is.. most would think i am a bad partner.. who don seem to care, and treasure wat i have.

but i still believe in the trust policy.. cause thats how i see things.. and i wonder if that is mature or immature of me..

this post is getting a little too long. and i shall end here..
the daily hospital visits, the cold lonely house i live in, and the weight i had put on has made me so depressed these days..
i so need to get out of all these soon..


100708, THU, 1151hrs

crazily watching SATC. i am so loving it.

I have been living in a fantasy.. a fucking fantasy of my own..
I have been crazily watching sex and the city TV series.. and lets jus say I am loving it..
I think I am born American inside.. I like their lifestyle, and I jus like being them..
I noe I haven been there, and wat I say might nmot be true..
But I am jus so influenced by them.. the cold hard truthful Americans..

One of the episodes in SATC speaks of questioning ourselves, and living in denial VS reality..
It was close to my heart..
I question myself all the time.. like I once said, my life is like a “sensitivity analysis”, also known as the “What if” test.. whereby u basically jus keep asking what ifs..
I hate uncertainties.. but the more u hate something in ur life, the more it will happen. That’s what I realised…
So many things and happenings in life where we can learn from..
For example, one of my aunty was talking to my sis today.. and to cut the matter short, the main point of the story was…one of my nephew who is now in sec 3 is studying in some boys school, and his parents, who are my cousins is terribly afraid that he is gay, cause he is hanging out and staying over at his frens place all the time… then my aunt said to them “the more u worry about something, the more it will happen”.. but all these in hokkien, so translation by moi…
And I so got to agree wit it.. remember the times when ur mum or dad often tells u don do this, and actually, the more u will feel like doing it.. the defiant stage..
And so the same in life, the more u detest and resist it, the more it will happen.. and my aunts logic was to tell their parents to stop forcing him to stop meeting his frens and stuff.. in fact, my cousins should welcome his frens to their place to stay over instead, and they should get to noe my nephew’s frens too, instead of worrying about this whole gay thing..
And I am like.. that is SO FUCKING TRUE!! I love my aunt.. she totally enlighten something in me today..
Same thing wit the SATC I watch today..
Why should we keep asking ourselves questions, and doubting ourselves, when we should be living in the fucking reality.. all these questions are jus us in denial of the true facts sometimes..
We jus simply got to face the cold heart facts.. even though it hurts most times..
Here I am sitting in the living room of my old house.. where I spend the 1st 11 years of mine growing up..
Its really really weird sitting here alone in the nite.. a little scary, but rather jus uncomfortable. Too much unpleasant memories.. the walls, the broken door, the crappy toilet..
Everything jus seem so familiar.. everything I want to forget, it jus keeps forcing itself into me.. the unpleasant memories of growing up here..
The condition wit my dad is complicated, and I don think I wan to share it in this post now..
In fact I haven posted the other post, so I am jus typing all these down in words, and then gonna post it some day when I feel like it..
I so fucking know wat I want in life.. but the fact is, its hard to achieve, especially when I wan someone to share my life with, and thus the someone has to have the same thoughts of me..
And wat is the possibility of finding someone wit the same thinking of mine.. I am so ambitious, and I expect ppl to be ambitious too.. honestly, I consider myself an over achiever sometimes, and I do expect my partner to be the same.. but its hardly the same… and is love gonna be enough to change me, I seriously don think so, given the narcissist in me.. I am jus a selfish prick..
As I type, I get more confused, questions flood my brains, my heart crunched wit the thoughts of uncertainties..
I think I should go get some sleep..
Last but not least, the over achiever is pretty satisfies wit his results this semester.. 2 distinctions, and 2 high distinctions…
Better then expected…


030708, THU, 0153hrs

On my way to the airport.. again.

I know I haven blogged for a long long time.
In fact I don noe wat to say anyway..
Jus came back from Melbourne last nite and I must say it’s a beautifully wonderful city.
If I have to stay in Australia, then it would definitely be Melbourne.
I jus love it there..

As I arrive in Brisbane airport late last nite, at bout 11 plus, I had no more train, and then I had to call a fren of mine o drive me back to Ipswich..
It was then I really count myself lucky. Cause I really do have loads of frens who are willing to help me, more then I am willing to help myself..
I think I am in a shit hole situation now..and I can still remain so calm, cause not only I have learn to escape from problems physically, I can now do it mentally, by jus blocking it away from my thoughts..
I am so tired.. Deprive of good rest. And yet another flight back to Singapore in 2 hours time.. and my sis is going to pick me up from the airport, straight to the hospital to visit my dying dad..
I am disgusted by myself sometimes on how I can cry so easily when watching a movie wit ppl dying, or jus reading some stuff, and ppl die, I jus feel so emo..
Then now when it comes to my father, I feel so emotionless, I feel nothing.. I wonder if I don noe how to feel anything, or I jus refuse to feel anything..
I guess when I touch down in SG an reality sets in, then I will feel everything all at once.. then I will be too overwhelmed to do anything..
I am scared actually.. but I hate the feeling of being scared… so I train my mind to think otherwise.. distracting it by reading self hep books to strengthen my believes is a form of escape..
Watching movies and shows that are inspirational to motivate myself and be postitive, is also a form of escape..everyday, I find ways to keep my mind working in a positive state jus to convince myself everything is gona be alright..

More often then not.. I will doubt myself.. am I doing the right or the wrong thing??
People around me often advice me by saying, I shouldn’t think too much.. jus be strong..
BUT.. how can all this be possibly good?
I have learn to think less tis period of time. And I jus feel that it’s a form of escape..
I have learn to be strong tis period of time, and I feel so cold in my heart, and u noe wat. The ppl around me seems to care more for my dad then me..
I could see some of my frens feeling so sad for me.. but I don even feel as much as them..
WAT HAVE I BECOME??
I got no idea.. I am typing tis on th train ride to the Brisbane airport, I don noe when I can get to post tis since I don think I will have any internet connection until I get back, and apparently, I need t stay over at my dad’s place which is near to the hospital, so I can visit him more easily..
That house, that my dad stays in, is where I had 11 years of unpleasant memories.. and lets jus say I am really not looking forward to..
I am so tired now I better catch some sleep.. that’s all for now..

300608, MON, 1154hrs