11th July 2008. Papa's death anniversary.

my dad left me on the 11th july 2008..
it was 0425 in the morning, i got a call from my maid, and i got to the hospital in the fastest time i could..
the body that has stop breathing..
i noe his time has come..
i planted a kiss on his forehead. and told him, to have a safe journey, and take good care..

i sat there, tearing... but i didn't cry..

thoughts run through my head..
was it unfilial of me to want him to go?
did i even consider him a burden at times?
i don noe.. do i feel bad?
maybe at times..
instead of blaming my dadfor not being a good father..
i turn to ask myself, how good a son was i?

surprisingly, the last post, was also the last time i had the chance to go online in the hospital.. after 11 days.. he passed away on the 12 day..

the wake was for 4 days, and the 5th day was the cremation day..
it was tiring. but i tried to stay up as much as i can..
jus so to company my dad more when i still can..
lots of relatives were there, most of which, i haven seen for more then 12 years..

and most importantly, lots of frens were there too..
and i really really count myself, extremely lucky..
frens from all walks of my life came by..
and of course many whom didn't turn up, but showed their care in other ways..

the best lesson i guess my dad has taught me was to not smoke and drink..
and i am going to not smoke, and promise myself to drink less too..
i should also remind myself to control my temper better, especially towards the ppl i love..
papa now that u r gone.. a part of me seems to be gone too..

moving on wit the drama i had wit the gal in the previous post..
i replied her.
apologising..
i really am in the wrong..
and i don wan any drama..
cause i still treat her like my fren..
so i jus hope everything is gonna be alright..
shall see her in school soon.. don noe wat it will be like..

today i was chatting wit him.
the aussie guy i dated some time ago..
the one i really loved.. the one we had on and off..
and today on MSN, he jus told me he is attached..
i don noe why, but it hurt so much i teared..

i am going through a lot of pain now..
the reason is because i am always trying to convince myself to let go of the things i love..
includes him..
includes her..
includes my dad..
includes the old me..

i am changing so much.. i don noe wat i have become..
the heartless unfilial son..
the horny bastard who sleeps around..
the career driven and ambitious guy..
the bitch in his own life..

when i left SG..
i didn't cry. in fact i felt relieve..
cause i thought i could runaway..
but i didn't manage to..
i am jus stuck in my own misery..

all i feel now is misery..
i am cold and lonely..
and yet, i am still trying to convince myself..
if i wan to make it in my life, i have to endure and push through..
cause tis is wat i have to sacrifice in order to gain the success i wan..
i don noe wat to say anymore..
i am fuck up..


200708, SUN 2348 hrs..