Random thoughts i had while studying..

I have the urge to blog.. i don noe why.. and i bloody well do.. cause if i don, i will jus think about it the whole time..

Studying makes my mind wonder like crazy. and i have bad dreams at nite.. and i jus can't get to sleep well..
exams in 2 days. i am counting down.. and i am the crazy sort that plans my time so well, i can hardly follow through.. wat a shame i noe..
and i wonder why, but PPL ALWAYS think i am studying damn hard.. either in my room or in the library, when the matter of fact is, my mind is actually somewhere else.. i swear..

let me share some random thoughts i had today when i studied cost accounting in the monring, and hotel technology in the noon. how boring i noe.. nite time was spent having a super long dinner (which includes shit load of bitching) and then back in my room, chatting wit ppl, and indulging in my daily porn.. and surprisingly, i hardly have any sexual urge, which can be a bad thing, cause its jus not me to not be horny.. well wat ever it is.. back to the random thoughts i had..

I wonder if i am really lonely, or if i had spend too much time wit her the past 3 months, but i think i have kinda of fallen for one of my group mate.. and yes, its a SHE!
BUT.. did i mention, she is a lesbian.. (i can hear the whole world laughing at me)
honestly, i don noe if she is bi or plain homo.. but all i noe is that she has a GF who is a butch..
and no, she is not the manly kind.. she is tall, slim, pretty and kinda of bimbotic..
but her sillyness is realy adorable.. well but watever it is.. i thought about the women in my life, and more often then not, they end up in 3 different categories...

The 1st is the Fag Hag category, who adores me to be bi, or might jus consider me gay as we basically have no inhabitions.. i have a couple of fag hags and they are the gals who realy don mind me talkingn about the guys i had in my life.. infact, i think sometimes, they are interested to noe what i do wit them.. lolx.. and also, these fag hags are also potential back up spouses whereby we can probably us get married to one another, and don mind cheating on one another..
and this great fag hag which i had known for like a decade, always joke about how we can share the same guy, given the same taste in guys.. watever it is.. its nice to have fag hags..

The 2nd category are the sisters.. very similar to the fag hags, BUT they literally treat me like a sister, meaning, they jus simply think i am female.. not that i like it, but i don really mind, cause i don really care how ppl look at me..
sometimes, we call each other "galfren" and sometimes we call each other "jiemei"..
and also some particular ones which really became my "godsister". a little cliche, but it did happen to me, cause we were so bloody close...
wit this category of gals.. its not so much about wat i do wit the guys in my life, BUT about the other gals in our lifes.. which equates to ALOT OF BITCHING!!!!
and we do BITCH about EVERYTHING UNDER THE SUN!! from the food, to the person who jus walk by, to the colleagues we work wit, and even about how bad sex can be.. watever it is, these are my beloved Galfrens/sister/ jiemei..

The 3rd category is the Crooked category, whereby these gals are either homo or bi too..
and we jus click, maybe because of our sexual orientation and we can jus talk about anything.
in fact, i realise i can talk about anything, wit anyone.. as long as i am in the right mood, and state of mind..

so since most of the females in my life, falls into this 3 category, how am i suppose to find a potential partner..
As much as i have been screwing a lot of guys, and i have datedonly guys so far for the past few years, my interst in gals is still there!!
i swear i am bi, and there is no way i can change that..
and i must agree, sometimes, it will be better to be jus straight or gay, but too bad i am not!
and being bi, makes things very complicated, like for example, the type of porn i feel like watching everyday.. i need a lot of HOT guys, screwing hot gals..
too much gay sex turns me off, too much pussies oso turn me off..
and i am picky, cause straight porn only turns me on, if both sex looks good.. sometimes, the gals are HOT, but the guy is some old shit. and that turns me off like crazy..
well i could go on about my preference for porn, but i will leave that to some other time..

but to the topic of the gal i like...
i was i studying wit some mates in uni today, and i jus had to urge to tell them i like her, but i didn't.. i don noe.. but sometimes i jus keep thinking about her..
and some said i probably spend too much time wit her the past 3 months working together, thus i am jus not use to not seeing her these couple of days.. well.. i don noe..
its jus complicated. and it doesn't help when i know she has a GF she loves dearly back in Singapore..

oh moving on.. i was watching Oprah today, and its about this couple trying to quit smoking, and its yet another good show. very touching, and motivating.
"children are affected not by the way their parents treat them, but by how the parents behave infront of them"
This is so bloody true..
matter of fact, i don really remember how my dad treat me, but my most vivid memory of him was how he use to hit my mum, made me a 2nd hand smoker by puffing away at home and behaving like a Egoistic bastard..
Watching oprah today, made me think a lot about my dad..
he is old now, and probably only have a few more years to live.. and my mind jus suddenly wander to the day of his death..
and i was thinking of wat has he done for me as a dad.. and wat have i done for him as a son..
and i guess it was close to nothing in both ways..
i felt pathetic, then i tried to make things better by telling myself i had learn from him..

I detest smokers, and I really hope everyone around me could jus stop smoking.. he affirmed me that i will never smoke in my life.. cause he had throat cancer, and lost a lot due to cigrattes.

I hate to hit ppl, and i don really remember myself getting in a real fist fight wit anyone..
i fight wit my wits and mouth, bitchy as i might get, i hurt one mentally, but not physically..
might not be a good ting afterall, but lets jus say the physical abuse he inflicted on my mum, have caused me so much emotional hurt, no one has any idea the pain i went thorugh, crying my lungs out when i see my mum hurt by my own dad. and when i say hurt, it is almost on a daily basis..
and i will NEVER EVER forget the day when my mum who is a sales executive who sells sofa, had to spend so much time putting on shit loads of make up to cover the black eye my dad gave her the previous nite, so she could continue working to raise me..
It was painful.. till today..

I hate egoistic ppl.. especially guys..cause they remind me of my dad..
i must admit i inherited some of this ego problem.. and i have a hard hard time fighting it.. unlike smoking when i can jus say no.. and i can jus say no to fighting..
My ego, always gets the better of me.. and i let it take over me..
Pride is a sin that i indulge in all the time..
a fortuen teller once say, my biggest enemy is myself, cause i can overcome a lot of difficulties in my life, but i can hardly overcome myself, and control myself..
this i had no choice but to agree..

chatting wit some frens yesterday, i asked them..
"wat will u remember me as when i pass away?"
i noe its depressing, but i asked cause i really wan to noe the answer, and i wan to work towards becoming a better person...
CRITICAL, was the word..
he said i was too critical..
i said i was honest..
but then i was told i was too brutel wit honesty..
and thus made me way too critical.. and also bitchy at times..
but i don say things to hurt ppl, i say it cause i really mean it..
if someone is fat and ugly, that person should noe the truth..
if someone is stupid and lazy, the person has to noe it..
then someone said i should do it tactfully, and wit some encouragement, he did say that i have improve my way of tackiling this issue, meaning i am less critical as compared to a few years back, but i am STILL too critical at times..
so i should continue working on it..

well well.. to conclude this post, cause i am getting tired, and i should be studying, if not resting,
i jus wan to say that my mind is magical.. u have no idea the journey it brings me though daily..
and as i share these thoughts, i must say it is only a small part of wat i have been through today..

i noe i think too much.. but thats my brain.. and things like this.. cannot be helped at times..
nitez sunshine..
work hard pls, cause u are so close to doing really well this semester, tomolo marks the real sprint this semester..
the LAST and FINAL week for this semester.. 1st paper on THU.. and i must do well..
i still have some time.. i still have some energy left..
i hope its enough..



110608, WED, 0110hrs.