Watching my Faith Slip away. Disappointed in myself.

I am Lost.. Again. Mixed Emotions..
the feeling i get when i grow up.. like an expoerince.. hmmm how should i put it.
have u ever had the feeling, u kinda of lost urself.. and u start to questino urself again..
and u seem to be jus yet another different..
i have been expeinceing this since young, and i have changed a lot along the years..
but i am getting it again..
this damn feeling..
i hate it, cause more often then not, i doubt myself..

well.. lets start wit today..
work today was bad..
i am not training in the kitchen..
and lets say, my damn interest is jus not in it..
can i survive it, i think i can, but i hate myself, cause i know i can hardly do a good job..
my strength lies in talking and communicationg wit customers..
and workingi n the kitchen, which is more of a back of the house job, sometimes, jus makes me feel crappy..
more often then not, i jus feel like serving the food i cooked, to show the customers, I am the One who Cooked it!! and it took so much work..
well, but its often not the case.
and the kitchen, is jus hell at times.. have never been a good experince for me, since my poly days..

wat else.. well well..
i had this HUGH project for one of my courses, called Hospitality Technology Applications.
Assignment for this course, comes wit a HUGH proposal and a presentation..
and guess wat, my group and i top the course wit our assignments, that we spend way too uch effort and time in.. and i am not talking about 10 groups..
its more then 30 groups, so lets jus say its no mean feat, although, i must admit its less competitive in AUS..
why does doing well mean so much, cause the top3 groups get to present their proposal to the GM of the Holiday Inn Hotel in Brisbane, and moreover, plenty of industry managers and leaders will also be present at this event, where if my group win, lets jus say the recognition is hugh, and we might even get our pictures up on papers..
But guess wat.. 9 days to the final presentation at holiday inn, and i lost it.. the drive to win..
and so did my group mates.. it was weird.. we have worked so bloody hard for the past 2 months, and suddenly, the drive is gone, i think we have overworked..
knowing that we are leading the pack now, jus seem to give us more pressure,, and its a negative strength.. i don noe why..
giving up is not a choice, and i noe i wouldn't give up.
but the thought of the possibility of losing this competition is so strong, it breaks me down..
i dare not even think about it..
its like i jus can't step out of it, no matter how tired, stress and pressured i feel..
well.. i guess i jus have to cross my fingers then.. and push on..

have went to the gym 3 times this week.. which is a terriubly good thing. cause at least i did something tt i promised myself..
i am hoping i can press on, and giving myself till the end of the year, to get the Shit hot body i desperately want.. 6 months, and i better see results, or i will be so disappointed..

anyway life has been crappy..
watched the movie funny movie, some las vegas title which i can't remember which starts ashton kutcher and cameron diaz.. funny and nice movie, my kind of show..
an this sentence made me think..
" i rather be happy doing nothing, then doing something i am unhappy with."
makes a lot of sense, but i jus can't comprehand it some way..
cause i noe i wouldn't be happy doing nothing.. and i wouldn't be happy doing the things i don like too..
so watever it is, i think i am jus hard to please, and i wouldn't be happy.

Results has been relatively pleasing this semester, expect for one..
but well, i wonder if it still matters to me..
and then, last nite when i went to watch another movie "21".
the main character tries so hard to get into harvard med school, only to face financial problems..
and seeing his will to be in the school , and being terribly talented, makes me think of myself a lot..
i am not saying i am talented in everything, but i noe where my strength lies in..
And i wan to do things wit it.. meaningful things.. but i don seem to be doing anything meaningful now..
getting a degree is important, then i slowly lose faith in it, cause i jus don think this degree has developed me much in anyways..
Do i still wan to carry on wit further education, YES..
Do i think i can Make it, I Don Noe..
i am jus getting tied and confused..
seeing things now, affects me big time..
my perceptions are jus so blured..

Tired, is the word to descrivbe wat i am feeling nmow maybe, and i don noe how long it takes to let me recover my strength..
and i noe time is running out, if i don puysh myself in this ast leg of the race..
i will lose the competition and i will flung my exams..
and i will regret it..
but i need someone to help me..
someone, or something.. i don noe..
Losing faith in myself is the worse feeling in the world..


230508, FRI, 2218hrs