I am so Absorbed into my own world, i Can't see Clear.

"ignoring u didn't make me happy, it just made things easier. but that doesn't mean it's the right thing to do. u can't do everything that's good for u, u have to think of others, especially if u care for them."

This paragraph above was part of an MSN chat wit tt special someone in JAN30.
I have kept it for a long time, and occasionally i look at it.
I jus wonder why he typed me this.
Was it jus to make me feel better, after ignoring me, and leaving me in pain.
Was it the fact tt he still wans me?
Was it me who is jus overthinking things.. i don noe..

Rough time in life again.
School work is piling up and i jus don noe wat to do, escape to choose the lousy way of escaping things. again.
cafe work is fine. and i think they like me. but occasionally when i still make mistakes, i jus can't forgive myself.. especally stupid mistakes like making the wrong drink.
The Worse thing is, i have lost interest in dance.
i don noe why..
i don look tt much forward to dancing again.
its really bad, like a hugh motivation in life is like gone.
i wonder wat it will be like if one day, i jus lose the motivation to look good.
i think tts the day when sunshine is lost.

school today was crappy, had conflicts with my prof and tutor. and i kinda of caused them to quarell.
i didn't mean to, but sometimes i jus want to dig into things, and make things work my way.
occasionally, like today, it turned out to be a little political.
and i jus feel like apologising to my reallly nice prof who seem to be in distress due to these conflicts. i jus don wan to elaborate, but lets jus say, i almost threw up a storm.
and all these jus for a good grade for my paper.
and now, it made me feel like crap tt, after all the effort, i don think i can even get a good grade.

jus when dancing at nite use to cheer me up, it has lost its charm on me.
and i called him. the person who typed the 1st paragraph u see, to meet for dinner, hoping to find solace.
but wat a wrong thing to do. its been more than a month since i last saw him. almost 2 months.
i have learn to be independent. but deep down, i noe tts not wat i wan, its something i jus have to do.
he is feeling moody and crappy too. jus like me. and i so understand tt. he chose to jus hide at home. which i think i will probably will if onli i have one.

i have so so so so much work to do. and i don noe where to start, and how to start. i jus don feel like doing anything.
maybe jus sleep and escape, hoping tt things will be better when i wake up.
but obviously, this is so not happening.
this feeling has been haunting me for days and weeks to come.
i don noe when it will be gone..
issit the stress? i don think so.
its jus my heart tt i can't handle, cause i simply don understand.


230408, TUE, 1424hrs