Calling someone fat, doesn't make me slimmer.

This is often how i feel at nite. like now.
no mood. no drive. no strength. no life.

Emo. seriously emo.

Not acting, not posing. jus damn fucking emo.

its been 2 weeks since i last blog.
here i am again, thinking i should jus update a little.

School is fine. more work coming up.
reports, essays, proposals. i got them all.
how can i forget about my favourite presentations plus tests and exams.
not expecting a lot tis sem.
but i noe i am still gonna be fine.
jus don wan to add on additional pressure.

still trying to consistently dance every TUE and WED, although occasionally, school drains me out so much, i jus can't afford the time and strength to traval to dance. which takes more than 2 hrs to and fro.

got a part time job.
3rd day today at the cafe tt i interviewd for. didn't thought i would get it.
but after some encouragement from frens, i decided to call them, to kinda of pester them, and guess it paid off.
and guess wat, the are paying me A$17 an hour. which is like $22 sing!!
i am happy, and seriously the work, is jus like gelare. nothing terribly bad as compared to the toilet washing i have to do last time.

well. and now the most emo part of the post.
luv luv luv.
the guy who picked me up. the st lucia guy as one of my fren calls him, cause he stays at st lucia.
is kinda of officially dead.
haven seen him for more than 2 weeks.
since the "i don think we should get involve" incident, my heart did die a little.
asked him out on easter, i got rejected.
asked him out tomolo, i got rejected.
so can someone kindly tell me how should i feel??

jus over the easter break, i went out wit a group of gay ppl.
remember the dinner i had wit a hugh bunch of gay ppl, which i really didn't enjoy, yeah, some of them asked me out to club over the easter break.
and honestly, i went because of this cute guy i talked to tt nite.
and wanting to see him badly, my stupidity got the better of me.
cause basically, i noe nothing will happen between us, logically speaking, but emotionally speaking, the desperate me jus can't refuse the opputunity to jus try, and perhaps fall in luv.
but yeah, as i already guessed it, it was nothing. a no from him in exact.
tall, slim, cute and pretty smart.
pretty much wat i like, but not much in common for us i guess.
well, jus another passer by in my life i suppose.

disappointed yes, sad a little, devestated no.

i wonder if i am growing "stronger" through all these failures, or am i jus being "heartless".

some frens don believe how bad things are for me when it comes to relationship, but let me stress.
being HOT, doesn't mean i get loved. ( As U can see, my self esteem hasn't really been affected),
it jus means people are jus scared to be involved wit us. (And i think these people are jus insecure.)

well watever i noe. a lot of slaps on my face now, i can so feel it.
yeah well.. who cares.. how i hope someone can slap me silly and awake.

jus finish watching "mean gals" on TV.
a pretty good show which i must admit i have watched more than a couple of times.
but i don get sick of it.
and then there was this part where the lead, lindsay lohan(who is so jaded now) said these stuff..

"calling someone stupid doesn't make me smarter. calling someone fat, doesn't make me slimmer. calling someone fugly, doesn't make me prettier."

it was something like tt, and i think its so fucking good.
tts why i rather call myself fat, then someone else fat.
i jus hope i can be HOT inside out.
still working on it.
but i must admit food is like the main source of comfort for me now.
and way too much chocolate consumption these few days. u jus can't imagine how i much sugar i am takingin everyday.

well, a long post, guess it will make up for these 2 weeks of disappering.
got to go now, and hope life treats me well.
looking forward to maroon 5 concert next WED wit my uni mates.
byebye.



280308, FRI, 2256hrs.