Time doesn't heal all wound, they jus give you scars.

i have been back in singapore for 11 days..
and i have been to the hospital for 11 days too..
this is way to depressing..
infact, i was strong, and mentally prepared in the beginning..
but i jus don noe wat the fuck my dad is holding on to..
and maybe i am feeling tired, and maybe i am jus go damn Sian..
but this whole situation has thrown me into a mild state of depression...
and it really sux..
it doesn't help when u stay alone, in a cold and dark house..
it was much better back where i can live wit my mum and grandmother.. it really makes a lot of differnce when u can wake up to the ppl u love.. and as much as i hate nagging, the fact that there is someone there for u when u need to talk, is jus extrememly comforting..

As i go through this stage of my life.. i noe its gonna be a great learning experience for me..
the possible passing of a family, and the cruelty of staying alone..
Its more then u can imagine..
Its like as though living alone is not sad enough, they have to take someone away from you.
oh well, thinking of this, scares me and numbs me..
the path i have chosen for myself.. the possibility of me slaving for a good career and education, will most probably throw me into this situation again, especially the living alone part..
i am disappointed at how bad i am coping wit such things..
oh well, i could go on and on complaining.. but lets jus change topic a little..

Remember the fren i like.. the gal who was my groupmate, and we jus got too close during the semester.. well well..
every now and then, i will drop her good nite messages and also tell her i miss her.. which is totally true, and i don do it all the time, i do it when i really do miss her..
i feel that i jus wan to tell someone how i feel, and be honest about it, cause u never noe when u might not have the chance anymore...

the same goes for last nite, and it was jus a hope u r doing well, and i miss u kinda of msg..
and FYI, there are times i address her as galfren, like i do to many of my female frens..
like "galfren" in a bimbotic way, and i did the same thing in the msg too..
and guess wat, i didn't realise her partner was wit her in brisbane, and she somehow saw the msg cause she probably was using the phone, and she shot me a reply back.. and i so wan to share this here...

"Hello *my name*, this is not *my fren's name* and neither is she your galfren. and yes, my galfren is very good wit me here. though i doubt she misses you. and i hope your dad is in good condition. so take good care of him and don't worry. i'm giving my galfren the bestest care she'd ever ask for. Kindly not message her again. oh *my fren's name* said hi"

in my current stage of mind.. it wasn't a pleasant msg..
wit the bitchy me, i would have shot back a msg immediately telling her many displeased i have.. which includes..
1.) I noe she is not my galfren.. but this "galfren" thing is jus the way i address a lot of other ":galfrens" i have, she really shouldn't feel insecure about it
2.) and u r not even my fren.. how can u say that she doesn't miss me.. its so in denial, i would have nothing to say if my fren typed this msg and she said she dodn't miss me.. but its not even her.. wat a loser...
3.) and honestly, i don care if she misses me anot. the fact that i msg her is because i missed her, and i don expect that in return.. and i have all the rights to tell someone i miss them.. and tis applies to the many frens i have too..
4.) the part where i was told to kindly not msg her again is the part where i thin i ought to get most pissed about.. cause the sad fact is, i still have to see her for the next semester.. and i will probably be doing 2 projects wit her.. and i am seeing her like a lot in school.. and how can i not msg her.. and moreover, like i said, its my perogative to msg anyone i like.. if my fren really don wan it to happen, then she could have told me herself.. she really was no one to tell me to stop messageing my fren...
5.) and the bitchiest part of hers was, after everything she said. she actually included the part where "my fren says hi". that was so unncessary..

ok ok.. i jus wanted to bitch here.. so i don get angry or anything. jus need to vent out my anger..
i haven got to replying her. and i am still wondering if i should.. cause its like i think i should reply, cause its jus not me to not retaliate. but then again. i am not quite in the right state of mind and mood to do so...

actually this whole situation has got me thinking a lot...
i mean 1st and foremost, i so belive tis is karma..
and its jus me being a slut again..
and then i was wondering how i would react if i am in her shoes..
and u noe wat..

i don think i will care that much if i am her..
i remember previously when i was attached.. my partner did get a lot of attention from other guys, and they wanted him more then a fren too.
and i jus stayed the way it is, like nothing happens, cause i jus have simply too much trust in my partners.. and i think my greatest gift to them is me being faithful, and i oso expect them to be faithful too.. if they were really do things that are wrong, i noe i am in no wrong, and i haven failed them in any way..
and also.. if things were to go wrong, it will sonner or later without that trust..
and lets jus say, i think i have too much confidence in myself and my partner too..

well previousloy, my partner did happen to do something wrong. but it wasn't to the point where i can't forgive him.. so i was alright wit it..
and the thing was, he jus felt so guilty, he had to own him to me..
and wit that, he manage the still keep the trust i had for him..
cause if he were to deny and lie to me. i think i will find out sooner or later, and things would be a lot uglier now..
well watever it is.. most would think i am a bad partner.. who don seem to care, and treasure wat i have.

but i still believe in the trust policy.. cause thats how i see things.. and i wonder if that is mature or immature of me..

this post is getting a little too long. and i shall end here..
the daily hospital visits, the cold lonely house i live in, and the weight i had put on has made me so depressed these days..
i so need to get out of all these soon..


100708, THU, 1151hrs