Standing strong and tall is much harder then it seems to be.

Last SAT, a fren of mine passed away, as since in my previous post.
yesterday after exams, like i had a stuper full lunch, which was damn good.. and i didn't even eat anything else after the lunch for the whole day..
then i got my haircut, and it was one of the best cut, cause the hairdresser was jus hot, and she is jus professional..
and i went to the gym to sweat it out too.. wanted to go dancing, but it was raining, and guess i was too tired, since i got up at 6 am that morning for the bloody paper..
BUT. at nite, my mum called to tell me, my dad only has 3 to 6 more months to live.. that is the bad bad news that totally dampen my mood.. sad yes, disappointed yes.. SIAN, ULTIMATELY LA!!!!!

its like life has decided to play another prank on me, since the serios of unfortunate events that happened a few weeks ago..
and tis time, the serious of unlucky happenings is like getting worse, and i am truly jus getting worried about anything under the sun..
today, went to the city, and then spent some time wit my close mates here in aussie and told them about my dad, and they said i looked and sounded too calm to be serious..
which i agree. i jus said i had to go back to Singapore in july, cause my dad is dying soon.
its my duty to go back, cause i am his son, to bid him a proper farewell..
and when he is on his deathbed, i am probably not going to be by his side..

which makes me feel worse, of course i don wan him to die, but the fact that it is going to happen in this short period of time.. and i jus got a fucking string feeling it is going to happen at an extremely wrong time.. like when i am flooded wit assignments, or during my exams, and will totally screw up my degree..
not that i am blaming dad. i am blaming my life.. i jus don understand why must fate do tis to me repeatedly.. it hurts me.. i don wan to pity myself..
i have worked so hard to be strong, independent and driven in life..
i have overcomed so many obstacles in life..
i have not given up, cause i am a fighter..
and tis is when i ask myself..
is fate asking me to stop fighting? its not my destiny to be someone great??
why the physical pain i suffer?
why the emotional strains i go through?
why do i have to be punished for being successful in life?
why must i trade an achievement, for the hurt inside??
why must u convince e to give up, time and time again..
wat lessonb have i not leart?
have i not tried to be better?

so many thoughts run through my freaking head everyday..
especially b4 i sleep, and wheni wake up..
in the course of the day, i drown myself in my daily life.. wit the help of frens and work..
but now that school is over, i have less to be concerned about.
and these stupid thoughts is creeping up into my head..

well..
sharing of these thoughts, while bathing jus now, i decided to do something really brave.
i called her. the gal i like a lot..
i miss her so much, and i think about her so much everyday, now that i don really get to se her anymore..
and i told her i like her.. a lot.. not jus as a fren..
and she was like. oh ok..
i don noe wat to say..
it was a bit awkard, but i guess we both laugh it off.
then i told her it was seroius..
then it got really awkard..

reason why i did that..
i am jus afriad i wouldn't get to do it anymore..
i am trying to do the things i always wanted to do..
like meet the ppl i wan to meet, and talk to the ppl i should be talking to..
the lessons in life, is to not wait till its too late..
and recently i got to noe a guy from HK, who is here to work for a couple of weeks..
nice guy whom i chat, but haven met..

he is a scorpio too, and i jus can't deny we click..
he send me tis e amil which generally talks about life by telling a story.
morale of the story is..
wat humans treasure and want most is the "wat is gone" and "wat is unattainable"..
and they jus work so hard to achieve and get them, but they are jus unattainable, and jus gone already..
wat humans don realise is that, the thing to treasure and want most should be "wat we have now"..
like the family frens and stuff we have around us now..
and we shoudn't always focus so much on wat we don have..

simple story, simple logic..
but too bad, i must agree so many ppl, jus can't see through this philosophy.. and that includes me..
i jus try so hard in life to get those things that i never had.. and make my life really hard..
i am jus confused wit a million and one thoughts in my dead now..
i think i better get to sleep..
the nite is so cold, quiet and lonely here. i am scared.. i am scared of losing myself..

pls make tomolo a better day..
i haven give up yet, and i am not planning to give up..
i will still cross my fingers in hoping tomolo will be a better day..
To the person i love, i hope she feels wat i feel.. but she is attached and i feel like a slut.
but we are humans, and i am entitiled to love too..
but i was never quite given the chance to do so..
the Sun will shine again someday..



200608, FRI, 0108hrs