I killed myself with my own expectations.

I think i am depressed.
Think i lost in another battle wit depression.
Maybe i am jus too tired to fight anymore. I jus kinda of gave in.
The heart wrenching feeling, whereby ur nose feels sour at the slightest setback, and tears jus roll down ur eyes when u feel jus a little emo.
Signs of depression for me.

Many may think i am fucking lucky.
And like the tragic tt happened recently, 5 young and dynamic roung singaporeans who passed away due to an accident at cambodia.
and they are all gone. jus like tt.
how are my pathetic problems compared to theirs?

But still. i think my mind have taken over my heart now. cause all my heart feels is pain.

let me tell u why.

ever felt like escaping from a problem, and after doin so, they jus don get better.
well.. i thought returnig to SG is a beter choice. and tts wat pl tell me too. come back to a place where ppl.. i wonder how true is tt..

b4 i am back.. i got stuf like, come back soon, we miss u..
come back soon, got so much to tell u.
come back soon, we must catch up k.

and when u r back. all these things are gone.
maybe they don even mean wat they say.
ppl jus say it cause maybe they feel obliged to.

when u r back. ppl are not tt enthu in meeting u anymore.
i feel tt even my dad takes me for granted.. which i so don like.

I got my results for my 1st semester in uni.
high distinctoin for financial management..
distinction for gaming management and business law.
and a fucking credit for my small biz.
yes its not bad.. but i don like being jus good.
i wan to be great.
i wan my straight distinctions.
but its not quite possible now.
this was a serious blow.

and when i thought someone is interested in me, tt person says to u, jus wanna be frens k.
fucking hell.. tell me wat i should feel..
yeah i noe i shouldn;t expect too much.. which i always do. in terms of work school and relationships.. tts why i always land myself up in such a miserable stage.

and why should i expect so mch from someone when i myself, can't even achieve the things i expect of myself..
for example, so much for losing weight.. i have not succedded at all.
so much for wanting to be a model.. but i have a fucked up discipline.
so much for wanting to have straight distinctions. i fucked it up again.
so much for wanting to be a filiel son when deep down, i don even really care.

I have reached a point where i noe i shouldn;t expect so much and should be contented..
but u noe wat.. the fuck up me don think this way.
i am feeling tortured inside now..
i have so much to say.. but i jus can;t put it into words.
maybe i should jus go cry my lungs out now.



281107, WED, 0138 hrs.