Standing strong and tall is much harder then it seems to be.

Last SAT, a fren of mine passed away, as since in my previous post.
yesterday after exams, like i had a stuper full lunch, which was damn good.. and i didn't even eat anything else after the lunch for the whole day..
then i got my haircut, and it was one of the best cut, cause the hairdresser was jus hot, and she is jus professional..
and i went to the gym to sweat it out too.. wanted to go dancing, but it was raining, and guess i was too tired, since i got up at 6 am that morning for the bloody paper..
BUT. at nite, my mum called to tell me, my dad only has 3 to 6 more months to live.. that is the bad bad news that totally dampen my mood.. sad yes, disappointed yes.. SIAN, ULTIMATELY LA!!!!!

its like life has decided to play another prank on me, since the serios of unfortunate events that happened a few weeks ago..
and tis time, the serious of unlucky happenings is like getting worse, and i am truly jus getting worried about anything under the sun..
today, went to the city, and then spent some time wit my close mates here in aussie and told them about my dad, and they said i looked and sounded too calm to be serious..
which i agree. i jus said i had to go back to Singapore in july, cause my dad is dying soon.
its my duty to go back, cause i am his son, to bid him a proper farewell..
and when he is on his deathbed, i am probably not going to be by his side..

which makes me feel worse, of course i don wan him to die, but the fact that it is going to happen in this short period of time.. and i jus got a fucking string feeling it is going to happen at an extremely wrong time.. like when i am flooded wit assignments, or during my exams, and will totally screw up my degree..
not that i am blaming dad. i am blaming my life.. i jus don understand why must fate do tis to me repeatedly.. it hurts me.. i don wan to pity myself..
i have worked so hard to be strong, independent and driven in life..
i have overcomed so many obstacles in life..
i have not given up, cause i am a fighter..
and tis is when i ask myself..
is fate asking me to stop fighting? its not my destiny to be someone great??
why the physical pain i suffer?
why the emotional strains i go through?
why do i have to be punished for being successful in life?
why must i trade an achievement, for the hurt inside??
why must u convince e to give up, time and time again..
wat lessonb have i not leart?
have i not tried to be better?

so many thoughts run through my freaking head everyday..
especially b4 i sleep, and wheni wake up..
in the course of the day, i drown myself in my daily life.. wit the help of frens and work..
but now that school is over, i have less to be concerned about.
and these stupid thoughts is creeping up into my head..

well..
sharing of these thoughts, while bathing jus now, i decided to do something really brave.
i called her. the gal i like a lot..
i miss her so much, and i think about her so much everyday, now that i don really get to se her anymore..
and i told her i like her.. a lot.. not jus as a fren..
and she was like. oh ok..
i don noe wat to say..
it was a bit awkard, but i guess we both laugh it off.
then i told her it was seroius..
then it got really awkard..

reason why i did that..
i am jus afriad i wouldn't get to do it anymore..
i am trying to do the things i always wanted to do..
like meet the ppl i wan to meet, and talk to the ppl i should be talking to..
the lessons in life, is to not wait till its too late..
and recently i got to noe a guy from HK, who is here to work for a couple of weeks..
nice guy whom i chat, but haven met..

he is a scorpio too, and i jus can't deny we click..
he send me tis e amil which generally talks about life by telling a story.
morale of the story is..
wat humans treasure and want most is the "wat is gone" and "wat is unattainable"..
and they jus work so hard to achieve and get them, but they are jus unattainable, and jus gone already..
wat humans don realise is that, the thing to treasure and want most should be "wat we have now"..
like the family frens and stuff we have around us now..
and we shoudn't always focus so much on wat we don have..

simple story, simple logic..
but too bad, i must agree so many ppl, jus can't see through this philosophy.. and that includes me..
i jus try so hard in life to get those things that i never had.. and make my life really hard..
i am jus confused wit a million and one thoughts in my dead now..
i think i better get to sleep..
the nite is so cold, quiet and lonely here. i am scared.. i am scared of losing myself..

pls make tomolo a better day..
i haven give up yet, and i am not planning to give up..
i will still cross my fingers in hoping tomolo will be a better day..
To the person i love, i hope she feels wat i feel.. but she is attached and i feel like a slut.
but we are humans, and i am entitiled to love too..
but i was never quite given the chance to do so..
the Sun will shine again someday..



200608, FRI, 0108hrs

I will Miss You, RX LIM.

Last nite, i had a rude shock.

received the news of a fren leaving us..

leaving us behind, as he make his way to the other world..

i will never ever get to see him again..

i wan to dedicate this post to him..

We were never the close buddies, BUT, we never fail to enjoy each others company..

although we never shared deep secrets, we both noe our paths cross in more then one way..

i 1st knew him back in TP, when i join the CO..

i was not popular then, a little infamous..

but as things got better, i got to know the seniors better, including him..

it was also at TP when we 1st shared the stage together..

then slowly, i went to this place called cheng san CC.. whereby he is an extremely active participant in the orchestra.. and then, over there, we shared even more performances together, and slowly, we even went out together in groups.. and he was so much fun.. the smile on his face, always present to make our day better..

as i got enlisted for NS, i wanted to go for audition at MDC, and he was great help to me, when i got to nee soon camp, and he came all the way to pick me up from the guard house.. it was a terrible 20 mins walk, and he made the effort, it was a day i never forget.. i was grateful..

and as i had the honour to be part of MDC, we continue to share the stage even more now that we are part of the chinese instrumental ensemble..

we see each other everyday for that few months b4 he ORD..

and we had really fun outings..

we had so much nonsensical memories and we jus simply spend so so much time together..

when he ORD, we missed him dearly..

I soon lost the connection wit him..

we still acknowledge the presence of one another.. but we no more chat that much..

but still, he never fail to smile, and that made a lot of difference in my life..

he was a nurse, a final year nursing student at NYP...

last nite, i asked myself, why must such a great, nice and frenly guy, who have helped so much ppl in need, be the 1st to leave among us..

HOW IS THIS FAIR?!?!

I have never lost a fren this close to me..

and it feels weird when i can do nothing..

i can't even see him for the last time..

it hurts me to noe that i will never ever see him again..

i didn't even manage to say a final goodbye..

i feel so painful, to even think about his family...

i feel that this post deserves a first time, where i finally post a picture of myself.. and of course, wit him...

The last time i saw him..

18th January , 2008... as we wore the performance attire and getting ready to perform for the NYPCO annual concert..

the final performance wit him.. the final time i saw him..

nevertheless, the smile on his face..

never forgotten..

Have a save and smooth journey, goodbye for now, we will meet again someday..

Rest in Peace, RX LIM..

150608, SUN, 2030hrs

I killed my straight distinctions today.

i am bored, and i don really have anyone to talk to..
and actually, i don really feel like talking to anyone..

was reading back some of the post i made, and i can't believe how random i am..
my post neer really quite make sense wit the title, and it always starts and end at 2 really extreme ends of the world.
but guess thats me for u..

had my 1st paper today. and it was cost accounting..
i think i failed myself terribly..
like most accounting papers, i didn't had time to finish..
4 main questions.. and i only confidently finished 2..
one was a flopped, and i totally wasted time on..
it is thos when halfway through, u realised it all doesn't make sense, and u jus have to finish it anyhow.. and that was wat happened..
the last question, was so rush, i didn;t even had time to look through wat i wrote..
and more often then not, i jus pluck numbers from anyway, and everywhere, cause i really didn't had time to think.. and to make matter worse, i punched the calculator like i was playing flight on the bumble bee with the piano.. meaning, i hardly even noe wat i was punching, as long as the number that it gave me back look reasonally sensible..

that was how i flopped my 1st paper tis semester..
can i pass this course, no problem.. can i get a 7, totally impossible..
can i get a 6? highly unlikely after today..
i think i have to settle for a 5...
btw, a 7 is a high distinction, a 6 is a distinction, and a 5 is jus a credit..
i am very close to stright distinctions this semester, and i jus blew everything today..
it is so demoralising, i don even noe wat to say..

and i have always had a weak body.. it didn't help when i have been facing a lot of bowel problems this couple of day..
during the 2 hour paper today, i had such a great urge on going to the toilet to shit, and i jus had to hold it.. and it was terribly distracting.. i really hate my body.. it jus don work wit me all the time.. and then when i refuse to go, since i already had no time to finish the damn paper, it kept growling, really LOUDLY!! it was so embaressing, the guy beside me must have thought i am really SICK.. i swear..
and wit the toilet experince, it always always happen when i am anxious, i jus need to shit or pee, so i always go to the toilet b4 an exam, or b4 i perform on stage, and still i get it.. i jus don noe wat to do some time... whenever i focus realy hard, the body jus have to come out wit something to distract me..

i don noe wat am i doing here now..
i feel sad, i feel confused, i feel beaten, and i feel sick..
studying these few days made me really horny, don ask me why..
i am shocked by myself too.. but its something u have to attend to, or ur brain jus refuse to focus..
i should be preparing for my next paper now.. Hotel technology..
the course is the one where i am closest to a 7...
and i really really must get a 7 to pull my GPA up now..

current GPA from last semester is 6..
its pretty good, but i really wan something more then a 6.. which means i must average like 2 grade 7s now to be able to pull it up..
all these results thingy is driving me crazy..
and the hotel technoogy paper is 4 essay questions in 2 hrs..
its not easy at all i swear.
Try writing NON STOP for 2 bloody hours.. thats how scary it is.. and u r racing against time the whole 2 hours.. writing boolets of answers..
a lot of ppl say i am kiasu cause i jus write a lot.. but then, i jus feel its never enough..
i am so scared now..
if i can't get a 7 for this course, then i am not even sure how the other courses are going to turn out..

why am i crashing at the end now??
help pls.


120608, THU, 2248hrs

Random thoughts i had while studying..

I have the urge to blog.. i don noe why.. and i bloody well do.. cause if i don, i will jus think about it the whole time..

Studying makes my mind wonder like crazy. and i have bad dreams at nite.. and i jus can't get to sleep well..
exams in 2 days. i am counting down.. and i am the crazy sort that plans my time so well, i can hardly follow through.. wat a shame i noe..
and i wonder why, but PPL ALWAYS think i am studying damn hard.. either in my room or in the library, when the matter of fact is, my mind is actually somewhere else.. i swear..

let me share some random thoughts i had today when i studied cost accounting in the monring, and hotel technology in the noon. how boring i noe.. nite time was spent having a super long dinner (which includes shit load of bitching) and then back in my room, chatting wit ppl, and indulging in my daily porn.. and surprisingly, i hardly have any sexual urge, which can be a bad thing, cause its jus not me to not be horny.. well wat ever it is.. back to the random thoughts i had..

I wonder if i am really lonely, or if i had spend too much time wit her the past 3 months, but i think i have kinda of fallen for one of my group mate.. and yes, its a SHE!
BUT.. did i mention, she is a lesbian.. (i can hear the whole world laughing at me)
honestly, i don noe if she is bi or plain homo.. but all i noe is that she has a GF who is a butch..
and no, she is not the manly kind.. she is tall, slim, pretty and kinda of bimbotic..
but her sillyness is realy adorable.. well but watever it is.. i thought about the women in my life, and more often then not, they end up in 3 different categories...

The 1st is the Fag Hag category, who adores me to be bi, or might jus consider me gay as we basically have no inhabitions.. i have a couple of fag hags and they are the gals who realy don mind me talkingn about the guys i had in my life.. infact, i think sometimes, they are interested to noe what i do wit them.. lolx.. and also, these fag hags are also potential back up spouses whereby we can probably us get married to one another, and don mind cheating on one another..
and this great fag hag which i had known for like a decade, always joke about how we can share the same guy, given the same taste in guys.. watever it is.. its nice to have fag hags..

The 2nd category are the sisters.. very similar to the fag hags, BUT they literally treat me like a sister, meaning, they jus simply think i am female.. not that i like it, but i don really mind, cause i don really care how ppl look at me..
sometimes, we call each other "galfren" and sometimes we call each other "jiemei"..
and also some particular ones which really became my "godsister". a little cliche, but it did happen to me, cause we were so bloody close...
wit this category of gals.. its not so much about wat i do wit the guys in my life, BUT about the other gals in our lifes.. which equates to ALOT OF BITCHING!!!!
and we do BITCH about EVERYTHING UNDER THE SUN!! from the food, to the person who jus walk by, to the colleagues we work wit, and even about how bad sex can be.. watever it is, these are my beloved Galfrens/sister/ jiemei..

The 3rd category is the Crooked category, whereby these gals are either homo or bi too..
and we jus click, maybe because of our sexual orientation and we can jus talk about anything.
in fact, i realise i can talk about anything, wit anyone.. as long as i am in the right mood, and state of mind..

so since most of the females in my life, falls into this 3 category, how am i suppose to find a potential partner..
As much as i have been screwing a lot of guys, and i have datedonly guys so far for the past few years, my interst in gals is still there!!
i swear i am bi, and there is no way i can change that..
and i must agree, sometimes, it will be better to be jus straight or gay, but too bad i am not!
and being bi, makes things very complicated, like for example, the type of porn i feel like watching everyday.. i need a lot of HOT guys, screwing hot gals..
too much gay sex turns me off, too much pussies oso turn me off..
and i am picky, cause straight porn only turns me on, if both sex looks good.. sometimes, the gals are HOT, but the guy is some old shit. and that turns me off like crazy..
well i could go on about my preference for porn, but i will leave that to some other time..

but to the topic of the gal i like...
i was i studying wit some mates in uni today, and i jus had to urge to tell them i like her, but i didn't.. i don noe.. but sometimes i jus keep thinking about her..
and some said i probably spend too much time wit her the past 3 months working together, thus i am jus not use to not seeing her these couple of days.. well.. i don noe..
its jus complicated. and it doesn't help when i know she has a GF she loves dearly back in Singapore..

oh moving on.. i was watching Oprah today, and its about this couple trying to quit smoking, and its yet another good show. very touching, and motivating.
"children are affected not by the way their parents treat them, but by how the parents behave infront of them"
This is so bloody true..
matter of fact, i don really remember how my dad treat me, but my most vivid memory of him was how he use to hit my mum, made me a 2nd hand smoker by puffing away at home and behaving like a Egoistic bastard..
Watching oprah today, made me think a lot about my dad..
he is old now, and probably only have a few more years to live.. and my mind jus suddenly wander to the day of his death..
and i was thinking of wat has he done for me as a dad.. and wat have i done for him as a son..
and i guess it was close to nothing in both ways..
i felt pathetic, then i tried to make things better by telling myself i had learn from him..

I detest smokers, and I really hope everyone around me could jus stop smoking.. he affirmed me that i will never smoke in my life.. cause he had throat cancer, and lost a lot due to cigrattes.

I hate to hit ppl, and i don really remember myself getting in a real fist fight wit anyone..
i fight wit my wits and mouth, bitchy as i might get, i hurt one mentally, but not physically..
might not be a good ting afterall, but lets jus say the physical abuse he inflicted on my mum, have caused me so much emotional hurt, no one has any idea the pain i went thorugh, crying my lungs out when i see my mum hurt by my own dad. and when i say hurt, it is almost on a daily basis..
and i will NEVER EVER forget the day when my mum who is a sales executive who sells sofa, had to spend so much time putting on shit loads of make up to cover the black eye my dad gave her the previous nite, so she could continue working to raise me..
It was painful.. till today..

I hate egoistic ppl.. especially guys..cause they remind me of my dad..
i must admit i inherited some of this ego problem.. and i have a hard hard time fighting it.. unlike smoking when i can jus say no.. and i can jus say no to fighting..
My ego, always gets the better of me.. and i let it take over me..
Pride is a sin that i indulge in all the time..
a fortuen teller once say, my biggest enemy is myself, cause i can overcome a lot of difficulties in my life, but i can hardly overcome myself, and control myself..
this i had no choice but to agree..

chatting wit some frens yesterday, i asked them..
"wat will u remember me as when i pass away?"
i noe its depressing, but i asked cause i really wan to noe the answer, and i wan to work towards becoming a better person...
CRITICAL, was the word..
he said i was too critical..
i said i was honest..
but then i was told i was too brutel wit honesty..
and thus made me way too critical.. and also bitchy at times..
but i don say things to hurt ppl, i say it cause i really mean it..
if someone is fat and ugly, that person should noe the truth..
if someone is stupid and lazy, the person has to noe it..
then someone said i should do it tactfully, and wit some encouragement, he did say that i have improve my way of tackiling this issue, meaning i am less critical as compared to a few years back, but i am STILL too critical at times..
so i should continue working on it..

well well.. to conclude this post, cause i am getting tired, and i should be studying, if not resting,
i jus wan to say that my mind is magical.. u have no idea the journey it brings me though daily..
and as i share these thoughts, i must say it is only a small part of wat i have been through today..

i noe i think too much.. but thats my brain.. and things like this.. cannot be helped at times..
nitez sunshine..
work hard pls, cause u are so close to doing really well this semester, tomolo marks the real sprint this semester..
the LAST and FINAL week for this semester.. 1st paper on THU.. and i must do well..
i still have some time.. i still have some energy left..
i hope its enough..



110608, WED, 0110hrs.

Cold, Lonely, Stress & Miserable.

I am back. wit some bad news..

Exams in 3 days time..
1st paper, cost accouting..
and that was wat i tried to study today. woke up and idd breakfast, then started studying at 10am.. only to fall asleep at 12pm..
woke up at 1pm, and watched oprah and do lunch, then continue studying, only to fall asleep at 5pm again..
woke up for dinner.. and i am stil studying cost accounting.
OMG.. i swear studying puts me to sleep..
AND the fact that i am feeling all cold, lonely, sad, emo and despearate, jus made me feel miserable..

I am having this immense craze over guys wit blond hair and blue eyes now..
thanx to King Peter from Narnia, and upcoming model, Tyler Bachtel, this craze has become an OBSESSION!!!
i swear. and as i recently got to noe some guy who have this feature..
i jus can't wait to bed him..
and he isn't my 1st anyway..
Oh Boi. the pleasure of staring into a pair of crystal blue eyes.. That is Driving me crazy!!
And i am so distracted, as i find myself googling and ogling at my wallpaper who is now filled wit the picture of Tyler Bachtel..
this model is ONE HOT THING!!!
He is only 23 and he is my height too.. BUT HIS EYES, HIS FACE, AND HIS BODY!!
He is indeed a gift from heaven.. haha.

oh well..
i am jus taking a break here, cause i seroiusly have no motivation to study. don ask me why.
I am so close to my straight distinctions this semester..
I really worked pretty hard..
and results so far, has been pretty satisfying.
and now at the last leg of the race, i kinda of have hit the wall..
where u jus lost all motivation, and the cold jus made my day worse..
all i wan to do now is hide under the sheets, or in my wardrobe, or maybe jus under the table and cry myself to sleep...

And reading the blogs of my mates in Singapore jus made me feel even more miserale, i swear..
I think its time i get back to some reading b4 i reweard myself wit more TV later..
I noe i can do well, I jus need to find the strength from within to overcome this barrier.
And lets jus say, everything in life now, is jus not making it easier..
How can i even shine, when there is no Sun?
Stop raining, and show me some warmth..
Hug me and look me in the eyes..
All I need now is that one motivation to complete this journey.


090608, MON, 1829hrs

Winner of the Holiday Inn Hotel Technology Competition. THATS HOT!!!

Won the Holiday Inn Hotel Technology Competition thingy..
was thrilled today..
haven had this feeling for a long time..

had a gooD lunch gathering wit some old frens.. or should i say "family" in oz...
but then, back to reality whereby everyone has to head home to study after that.
and as i wan to reward myself, went to catch a movie at southbanks.
iron man was pretty good, not exactly my kind of show, but still good.. i mean given the budget, and such an experience actor, it should be that good la..

oh ya, prize was a 100 bucks F&B voucher at the holiday inn brisbane.
lets jus say the dining experince wasn't tt fantastic, but i guess the company of great frens made up for the poor service and average food..

wellwell...
me should really start studying, but i got no mood, and i no i wouldn't tonite, so i rather sleep early..
honestly, i am waiting for the reply of someone, to see if we could meet up tomolo..
some person i hope to date and me..
and i jus feel stupid doing things like that when i noe at the end of time, i will be on the losing end, cause nothing is gonna work out..
but i don noe why i jus can't say no to someone who show interest..
its jus me being desperate..
and i must say the thrill of getting to noe someone new is pretty addictive..
there are certain ppl in life which makes u feel that there is so much more in this world then wat u noe now..
people are all different, and i jus believe everyone has something different to offer..
well watever it is, maybe i shouldn't think about it too much.

alright then..
i am gonna feel a little emo now..
will wan to end tis post of a happier note..
thus this shall end here..
Good Job SunSHine...
U manage to shine despite the pouring rain these few days..
I should learn to stay strong and focus..
i am more then wat i think i am..



020608, MON, 2241hrs.