Luv is like a forbidden fruit. U Wan to taste it so much at 1st, but after doin so, u no longer treasure it tt much anymore.

i have some time to blog b4 i sit in front of the tv for the shows later.. haha.. golden horse award at 7.30 and dance floor finals at 8pm..
Today was a rottin day today.. slept till late today.. then wake up for brunch.. then watch some videos.. then slept again.. went to tan a little jus now.. then came back for dinner.. haha.. tis is indeed quite heaven.. haven had the chance to really enjoy life like tt for sometime..
Reason why was because i am not working at gelare tis weekend. haha.. and tts because i kinda of quarelled wit them over my schedule thing last week and they wanted me to run shift which i straight away turn down.. so they got pissed wit me.. anyway, can someone tell me why i should take up the extra responsibility to run shift when 1st, i don get a pay rise, 2nd, i only work once or the most twice a week which means the training for me would be a waste of their time too, and 3rd, i already have enough things to worry about in life liao, still ust stress bout a part time job, tts ridiculous la!

ok i am craving for some sweet stuff now.. ice cream of sweets or chocolate! ahhh.. HELp.. i wan to eat..
when i went swimming jus now, i weigh myself and i am 68kg now.. which means i lost bout 2 kg.. i noe i should be hally.. but then my mind keeps on telling me tt since u have lost weight, u can relax a bit on ur diet and eat something sinful tt i had crave for today.. hahahaha.. HOW IRONIC!!
so i am trying very very hard to control.. but i really can;t take it le.. i need something sweet..

Oh ya.. and lets talk bout luv again.. hahaha.. something in my life which i can;t live without.. not tt i am desperate.. but maybe i jus need plenty of luv in my life..

After letting go of my previous panful experience.. life has changed..
I met a new guy, on the bus.. hahaha.. funny right.. he kept on looking at me but didn't have the courage to come talk to me, so i went over to say hi lor.. and once again, don ask me why i can be tt shameless.. but i seriously am over confident wit myself sometime..
anyway got to noe him.. he's a libra, 29 tis yr, whch makes me 7 yrs younger then him.. but u noe wat.. we do get along quite well.. and he is malaysian, so i am quite surprise we can hit it off.. but there's something funny here.. he reminds me of my ex who is also a libra, and i remind him of his ex who is a scorpio.. and i must tell u his story.. it's so drama...

they were together for 2 yrs when i think he was bout 20.. but after 2 yrs, his ex BF has to go back to germany cause he's from germany.. and then they haven met each pther for 7 years... OMG 7 yrs, how could anyone still hold on to someone whom u haven seen in 7 yrs.. but early tis year, he came back to visit for a few days.. but he tt although there may be still some feeling there, he noes tt tehre will be no future wit him.. so he was pretty upset.. and the best part was, not only his ex is a scorpio, he has the same bloody burfdae as me!! wat the hell la..
and when i told him i should be going overseas to study soon too.. he got super turn off.. he thinks tt history will repeat itself and stuff.. so he got kinda of scared.. so now i don really now how things are going to turn out le..

anyway i don feel like typing anymore cause typing more will make me feel depress again.. so i shall end here le.. going to satisfy my CRAVE now.. ahhaahhahaaha

1918hrs, 290407, SUN

Don wear boxers for dance class!

I luv talking and hanging out wit frens..
Today my dance partner and I rotted for 2 hours together..
Eating dinner and talking bout our problems and life..

I luv to relax and hang out.. some may think its a waste of time.. i use to think so too... but actually its good if u can take these time and reflect on ur own life by lisetening to other ppl talk...

The widest smile hides the darkest pain. Tts wat one of my colleage says..
Today i realise even the most loving couple has to overcome differences.. cause no 2 ppl are born alike...
When u feel tt u have found the person u really love cause he or she is exactly like you.. then u haven found the person u luv.. its because u luv urself too much, tts why the partner u find for urself is exactly like u.. u r a narcissist... and i am one too...

I always get to emo.. not a bad thing but i have a problem..
iI always hide my real feelings when i am suppose to show it, and i always get to emotional when i am not suppose to... HAIZ
Which means i am always EMO at the Wrong time, Wrong place,, in front of the Wrong PPL...

Life got better.. want to move on badly.. going to start dating again.. some told me why so Fast?
Cause i feel tt, thats the only way i can move on truely and entirely.. i can't put my hopes on someone tt doesn;t luv and appreciate me anymore.. it hurts sooo badly...

Dance class today was pretty good.. stressfulll... but fun.. did something wrong today
and tt was wearing boxers!!
OMG.. the abrasion on my balls and thighs really hurts now
hahahah
SO BIMBO!!!

OK.. but i feel reallyu motivated to continue all my dance classes.. its really my motivation and joy.. hahahaha..

i wan to end tis entry on a hapy note, so tts all i got for today.. tomolo i am on OFF!!! yeah.. I'm Luving It!!

0012hrs, 270407 FRI

I wan to change for the better.

Ok i am finally back..

hahahaha.. life sux still.. but better then the last week le..

not so sick anymore.. getting over him better.. but i must say tt it sux to not be able to luv.. but it hurts even more when i realise i am the rebound guy...

Getting on wit lots of stuff to do soon.. more dance classes.... opera coming up in june... got to settle wit plenty of stuff for my overseas studies... i feel damn bimbotic when it comes to all these admin stuff.. now i start worrying but living overseas myself.. not tt i can;t survive alone.. jus tt i think all these little things in life will kill me.. i always suck at settling these stuff..

Wat else to say man.. hmmm... dancing has been getting better.. i feel myself improving too.. hahaha.. i have a new addiction now... tt is watching youtube.. hahahaha
Catching tis drama called crystal boys.. its like queer as folk but chinese version.. but a lot less happening oso.. but its jus homo themed drama serial wit 2 of my favourite actors.. even if the show is not nice, i jus look at the actors can le.. hahahah.. so CUTE!!!!

hmmmm... i feel tt i am changing.. i hope its for the better...

1122hrs, 250407 WED

I am still SICK!

Got tis from a website.. its really good cause i think its quite accurate for me.. check it out man..

http://www.paulgoldinresearch.com/cg/... tis is wat it says bout moi...

Is it that you are working - or even playing - too hard? Because it would seem that you are experiencing a great deal of pent-up emotion at this time which could possibly take effect and lead to irrational behaviour.

Most people are conditioned by their environment and you are no exception.

You are an extremely emotional person - so much so that 'the wrong word' can lead you to tears.

You feel other people's pain.

You feel the need of sympathetic relationships and a pleasant work environment in order to develop and grow.

You are an impulsive, loving individual with a great deal of inherent feeling.

The way things are, you feel that you are stuck in a rut and there is not much you can do about it.

You feel frustrated and inhibited but if you can find a way to let yourself go, you may find that things aren't quite so bad as perhaps you thought they were.

One consolation is that since you are an extremely emotional individual, with the right person you may be able to release some of that frustration and tension with some mutual tender loving care.

You are frustrated and stressed.

You appreciate the finer things in life but at all times you appear to stay aloof, critical of everything and everyone about you.

You will not be carried away by your emotions and you refuse to trust anyone or any situation unless genuineness and integrity can be absolutely vouched for. Therefore, you keep a strict and watchful control on your feelings as you must know exactly where you stand at all times.

You demand complete sincerity as a protection against your own tendency to be too trusting.Perhaps in the distant past your trust and belief in your fellow man was misplaced and you can now no longer accept anything as it appears to be.

You are untrusting and you insist that before you commit yourself to anything, you examine the pro's and con's with critical discrimination. The situation has now progressed to one where you are apt to disagree yet not make any form of constructive criticism to every suggestion that may be put to you. As a result you are in limbo.

There is a saying that goes 'The past does not equal tomorrow'. Think about it - and let go.

Its bout 80 percent true.. i think...haha.. anyway i am still sick.. sux.. all kinda of sickness jus keeps coming to me.. i feel like i am dying.. damn it,. don feel like saying much for now.. will post again when i am in the mood...

0117hrs, 220407, SUN

How to Fight when i am SiCK?!?!

I'm Home.. Cause i am on MC.. Yesterday and today.. 2 days of MC...
Haiz.. Its good to rest at home cause i can clear my thoughts a little and have some time alone...
Actually last FRI i had flu already.. then kinda of got better till 2 days ago, i came down wit damn bloody bad headache.. and my whole body is aching too.. so i had to skip my lesson and go see the doctor in the noon.. And there was suppose to be a dinner gathering wit some of my MDC ppl but they had to call it off cause i can't make it... feel bad man.. anyway, i slept from like 3 pm to 11pm on TUE.. and when i woke up, guess wat, my gastric hit me cause i only had like a bread, a ben and jerry's Ice cream, a bowl of soup and a pear for the whole entire day.. OMG..
So started to go to the toilet a lot of times..
Then Came WED, i went ot see the doctor again.. haiz.. that is when i had MC for today oso.. SAD RIGHT.. but u noe wat.. i actually still went for my dance class yesterday.. ya i noe i am crazy.. almost fainted...
today is alot better.. at least i can eat proper stuff to fill my stomach.. still feling weak though.. think i lost some weight these past few days which is a very good thing.. haha..
So plans for today include suntanning in a while.. and at night have to go for for dance class again.. haha.. tell me i am crazy...

Oh anyway, Mr NJC chatted wit me on MSN. 1st time after wat happened tt nite.. well it is very obvious he haven;t gotten over his ex whom he dated before me.. i am jus a rebound guy i suppose.. i can't help but tell him i still like him..and i hope to c him hapy soon.. it really sux... but i have no other choice...

And yesterday i called my cafe to check for my schedule tis week.. I remembered my manager telling me tis weekend moning.. but when i called, they say tt i am not on schedule.. WTF.. then 5 mins later. they called to ask if i can work on SUN morning.. sux lar.
I hate ppl who take me for granted.. calling me when they need me and not even bother about me when they don need me.. its not the 1st time already.. yes, i need money tts why i am working there.. but tt doesn't mean i should be treated like tt ok! Show some respect pls..
I am going to make it clear to them.. if tis happens again. then i am going to quit earlier then i thought...

Alright.. tts all.. going to suntan le...

1255hrs, 190407, THU.

FIGHTER.

this is a continue of the previous post.. so read the previous one b4 reading tis k..

I learned alot form the story i jus told.. it sounds simple.. but i went through alot the past few days..

i realised i am a vulnerable person.. i need love and help like any other person in tis world..
its hard being tough and i am so tired of being tough like a bitch.
Yes i never get bullied, yes i always get wat i want. but all tt comes wit a price.. the price of being labeled by ppl..
ppl think i am who they see.. but i am not like the person i portray.
I relised i have frens who have stayed by my side all tis while and roots for me.. i always thoughti am a pillar of support for them.. but the matter of fact is.. i am no one without them..
I realised its ok to love and be hurt.. but most importantly.. i choose to make ppl happy.. i wan to c ppl around me smile.. and i wan to be happy because the ppl around me are happy..
There is no point being happy urslef and hurting the ppl around you.. it sux.. its not easy... but i am going to make ppl smile...
I realised i have a song to share wit everyone who reads tis.. and the lyrics are as follow..

When I, thought I knew you
Thinking, that you were trueI guess I,
I couldn't trust'Cause your bluff time is up
'Cause I've had enough
You were, there by my sideAlways, down for the ride
But your, joy ride just came down in flames'
Cause your greed sold me out of shame, mmhmm

After all of the stealing and cheating
You probably think that I hold resentment for you
But, uh uh, oh no, you're wrong'
Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do
I wouldn't know just how capable I am to pull through
So I wanna say thank you

Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter.

Never, saw it coming
All of, your backstabbing
Just so, you could cash in
On a good thing before I realized your game
I heard, you're going aroundPlaying, the victim now
But don't, even beginFeeling I'm the one to blame
'Cause you dug your own grave, uh huh

After all of the fights and the lies
Yes you wanted to harm me but that won't work anymore
Uh, no more, oh no, it's over'
Cause if it wasn't for all of your torture
I wouldn't know how to be this way now, and never back down
So I wanna say thank you

'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
It makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter!


YUp.. tis is it... Fighter from Chritina Aguilera..
haha.. starting to luv tis song cause it really motivates me and kicks me in the ass to tell to keep going.. i noe i can do it.. i noe i am goin got achieve so much more in life..
and i noe i am still going to luv like i had never loved b4...
I think Sunshine is going to come back soon.. i jus need more time....
I still miss him.. I still like him.. he is Mr. NJC... You always be on my mind. Thanx for making me stronger...


0101hrs, 170407, TUE

Goodnitez.. i stil wan to dream of you tonite.. cause it doesn;t hurt so much now to think of you. i choose to remember the good times we had.. and the passion we shared..

A love story..With no Happily ever after..

1st and foremost.. thanx for the comment for the past 2 posts.. it has been great comfort to me.. u noe who u r,, fag hag...
hahaha..

Anyway.. today i came to tell u guys a story..
hmm... maybe not a story.. but something i have done.. to make my life better... i kinda of stepped out of depression a little already...


Last night.. was with him.. went to watch performance at civic plaza le then we went to NYDC cafe for a drink.. cause he told me he wanted to go but never had the chance, so i brought him there.. chatted for a whille.. then after we finished.. we wanted to shop.. but it was late and there was nothing to shop.. so we took a bus back to his place..

He wanted to wait for the bus wit me.. and so we both sat at the bus stop// then i pluck out all the courage i had and told him honestly how i felt...
everything tt u guys kinda of see in the past few posts...
how i really like him and cared for him but me not getting the response from him..;.
i was upset.. and to end the agony.. i was selfish.. i gave him 2 choice...
1, is to start a proper relationship and we both put in effort in making it work.
2, was to disappoint me by rejecting number 1, and jus carry on as friends if he wans to.

He picked 2...
I broke down inside.. but i expected it.. i didn;t shared a tear in front of him.. but after he made his decision.. he started to cry...
i conforted him and asked him why.. he said he feels tt he is jinxed.. cause his dates never worked out..
but he soon realise its because he didn;t wan then to work out..
he had so much passion in life.. he was young and he wanted to try everything out.. he can't focus, he can't commit.. and most inportantly.. he can't promise..

we both didn't wan the nite to end.. we went from the bus stop to a bench in the park.. we sat there// nothing much to say.. i held him in my arms.. and we jus felt each other's presence.. and hear him breath..

i asked him why did he choose tt option.. he said he was selfish too.. he knew he would disappoint me if we go into a relationship, and in oreder not to disappoint me more in the future, he rather do so now..
well... i have nothing to say...

as time goes by so slowly, i jus wanted time to stop there.. he asked if he could hug me.. i told him he can only if he kisses me.. and we embraced each other for a split second.. but it was so intense i have to look away after tt and pinch my nose.. i didn;t wan my tears to drop down..

we both don noe wat to do anymore.. he wanted to wait wit me for a cab cause theres no more buses... i told him i want to c him home.. safe and sound..

we went to his block and went into the lift..
he stays at the 3rd story but he pressed the 10th story..
as the door closed we hugged.. i never thought lifts travel so fast.. b4 i knew it we reached already.. then we took it all the way down to the 1st story again.. this time i hugged him wit all the strength i have.. knowing it may be my last... as the life door opens, he kissed me for the last time.. one kiss i would remember for life. .

i took a cab home tt nite.. he messaged me don cry.. i told him if i don cry, then my heart will bleed inside cause it hurts so much...
i told him i will no more contact him until he takes the 1st move..
if he is willing to keep me as a friend...
And the very last request was to keep me in his memories always.. cause i will always be there for him whenever he needs me..

Am i stupid?? or am i Brave?? i don noe..
it probably didn;t hurt as much for him.. maybe i was wrong.. he may be equally sad.. but watever it is.. i realised alot alot these past few dayss.. and tt is wat is crucial..

i need a break b4 i continue...

0000hrs, 170407, TUE

hhheelllppppppppppp....

have to blog more often.. feels tt i can release wat i wan to say..
still feeling uncertain and lost. haiz.. bad bad bad...
tell me wat to do pls.. someone jus help me..
Love him so much i can;t bear to lose him.. but it hurts me alot when i am wit him.. i don noe why..
insecurity.. age difference.. me being paranoid.. me being extremely negative.. me being stupid.. i seriously don noe wats the fucking problem...
haiz.. i wan love.. i wan to love and be loved.. but i don wan the hurt and problems tt comes wit it..
can someone pls tell me wat to do..
dance class has not been good these few days too.. or issit jus me?? i use to luv it..
i jus wan to forget everything.. i wan to leave SG and forget everything.. yes its escape.. but sometimes its jus the best way out..

0059hrs, 120407.

Love is complicated..

Today.. i felt love again.. i really wan to luv again.. but is he true to me?? or issit jus for fun??
i felt confuse.. and desperate.. and lost again..
No reply at all after the messages.. hmmm.. i jus tell myself he should be sleeping already.. i certainly hope wwat i think is true.. i wan to c him again.. hold him in my hands and kiss him..
never thought i would feel like tt again.. wanting to spend more time wit him.. wanting to c him now.. wanting to hold him tight.. i am really afraid i will lose him.. haiz..
Pls don let the worse happen.. i am not too sure if i can take it..

0021hrs, 110407

I am desperate..

Today.. i feel confused and lost. I wan to drink again.. I feel like i am going to fall deep into somthing terrible again.. ur brain tells u NO... cause its wrong.. but ur heart feels strongly in wanting to do it and it screams YES.. jus do it..
So wat am i to do.. INdulge in more alcohol again?? hoping it will bring me to sleep faster and easier? and hoping tt it will knock me off.. and stop the torture i am giving myself??
Haiz.. Typing on my laptop now.. i feel terribly lucky.. so lucky.. Thanx to mummy.. i get to leave a really fulfilling life although God didn;t make the journey smooth for me..
i am gratefull.. so Grateful no words can describe.. but i am such a failure in expressing my luv For my mum.. all i noe is scream at her when she does the wrong thing.. but not thank her enough when she does it right... i am so selfish.. jus stupid..
i love u mummy...

So much to face now.. i feel lost again.. once again.. i hate this whole process.. of being lost and having to find my way thorugh.. it makes me grow up.// a lot// i age alot everytime i go through tis stuff.. think tt explains my white hair.. ppl ask me do i think alot tts why i got so much white hair?? i seriously think so// but no one believes tt i am really stress about life.. ppl think i leave in a fairytale. how many really understand me?? haiz...

I am struggling whether a not to tell ppl bout tis blog i have. i am afraid i may not be able to type freely like wat i am doin now.. cause i don wan certain ppl to c the different sides of me.. But i am desperate.. desparate to let ppl noe how i feel and wat i am going through.. i really don noe how and why.. what should i do now.. so much to say but so lazy to type now.. i shall continue when i can think better..

lost lost lost lost lost lost lost lost Sunshine.. i can hardly shine anymore...

1st Posting Wit My New Laptop!! WOAH!!

Hey Hey..
I am posting again today cause i am hapy..
noe why.. i'm finally making tis post wit my new laptop tt mummy bought for me.. so happy.. haha.. promise i will not try to surf porn using this laptop otheriwse wait crash again.. haha.. lolx..
At home now cause its a public holiday,, but will be working at the cafe later at nite which sux..
but i need money.. totally broke again.. because of all the new dance classes.. OMG.. i am so desperate to dance..
anyway i was readinh through my past few postings and realised my terrible spelling errors.. haha.. not really spelling errors.. more of typo errors.. ahahahaha.. can;t help it man.l told u guys i hate computers.. so really bad at typing oso/.. so bear wit it lor..
My body is aching from all the dance classes.. and i haven lost any weight though i sweat it out so much everyday.. sadded.. haha..but nvm..will try harder to lose weight.. going to go below the 70 mark by the end of this month.. haha.. tts my aim..
ok then.. tts all for now.. going to take a nap b4 work later... BYEZ..

my life now..050407..

Felt tt i haven blogged for somtimes.. which i snot very healthy.. cause i can;t let out wat i wan to say and feel.. well feel things happened the past 2 weeks..
First and foremost.. i am dating tis new guy .. really nice guy who is a pisces.. but not too sure if i really luv him.. nevertheless a great companion.. but some ppl r jus not meant to be together.. Sad and upset.. Lost and Sick..
Second had a chalat with my colleagues some time back.. 5 days outside.. staying at the PA chalat.. turn up wasn;t very good.. but was glad some made the effort to. and similar disappointed in some who didn;t.. tis chalat isn;t really for me or anyone in particulart.. its for ppl in the ensemble to strengthen their bonds actually.. but if they can't be bothered then why should i ... i jus wanna have fun and fuck off after i ORD...
Third was The SYF 2007.. a 3 day event which got me stuck at SCH listening to more then 50 schools compete.. i kinda of enjoy it.. and of course the school tt i was teaching competed too but for the 3rd time.. they still only manage a silver.. the result was really disappointing.. but i am not disappointed at my students at all.. i am extremely proud of them.. watching them grow so much through the years.. My 5th Batch of students.. and probably my last.,.. going to give up CO for good soon.. not too sure if i am able too though.. cause i truely enjoy performiong on stage and teaching the craft to ppl.. Tough job but definately rewarding.. Tis competition oso brought back lots of memories to me.. my 1st SYF when i was still in Sec sch.. Tt was 8 years back already.. how time flies.. Wat really touched me was tt my students kept on apologising when they didn;t get gold... saying tt they wanted me to c a gold medal b4 i leave.. tis really touched me.. i feel like crying when i hear tis.. so much hardwork and time put in.. with me being one of the reason to strive for success.. is really an honour.. But i noe tt through tis experience.. those who work as hard in the future like they have worked for tis competition, they are really going to do dame well in life.. Courage to move on despite failure and the strength to strive for excellence is wat makes one different from the other. .
Fourth.. i am not in the hectic period of comfirming my studies at UQ.. as much as i am excited bout it, the amount of admin stuff to do is jus a total disgust,, i hate things like tt.. and my MUM jus bought me a laptop which gave me even more problems.. FUCK IT.. i hate computers already.. its jus so not friendly.. at least toi me.. they hate me.. haiz.. and i have so many things to do now..
Last but not least.. i am finally attending dance classes at StudioWu.. totally rox..tis is wati wan to do man.. not tt i am good at it.. but being able to do wat i wan to do jus makes me totally happy and excited.. Dancing ROX my life.. going to train harder and dance better..
tts all.. ROLL CALL!!! ah GTG...