The breaking point of depression scares me.

jus a couple of heart felt words.

i met him yesterday..
the complicated guy i was dating a while back.
i haven seen him for ages and everything was great.
dinner was great and we both laughed. a lot..

when it comes to night time.
i wanted to kiss and make love to him so much. jus like b4.
but he said no.
and i noe it was hard for him to say tt..
i wanted him so much, but eventually, i understood how he felt.
and yes we went to sleep together, on the same bed, wit me hugging him.
and thats all.

its a very special feeling.
the bond we shared..
its like we are both in constant depression. and we jus try to hold it at that level.
we don wan it to get worse, but neither we wan it to heal..
the mood swings of extremem highs and lows..
the feeling of us, never being understood.

I left this morning..
feeling yet another different person..
like i had mentioned, i had change so much in the past months, i have lost the "me".
and yes, i realised its not over yet, its like i am still changing, evolving i should say.

there's no school today, and i had a whole morning to do stuff..
i went to school to youtube, and watch the shows i have wanted to.
no drive to start on the essay that is due next week.
and at 1pm, there i was sitting in front of the TV, watching oprah..
only now, ellen degeneres is on another channel.
so i had to flip channels the entire hour.
i realised how i can laugh while watching ellen, and the next second, start to tear watching oprah.
the mood swings i had is getting out of control.
and more even so when today;s topic on oprah was on Depression.
At the end of the show, I started to tear again..
Its like..
i have to admit i suffer from it..
i can't say its serious..
but the symptons...
the feelings..
i feel it all..
its scary..
and its hard to compromise, cause i always convince myself that i noe myself best, and i can handle it.. its all jus part of growing up and changing, hoping it would make me stronger.
and then, there was this discussion of a breaking point..
and it struck fear in me..
i wonder when will mine be..
depression like all diseases, has a breaking point, where it jus overtakes and kill you..
and the thing wit depression is, it plays wit ur mind, so the brain uses your body as the weapon to kill urself..
and there u have it, the breaking point = suicide..

its scary to think about it.. really..
i have had the thought b4, but honestly, its pretty much under control most of the times..
but its very real, wat if one day, things jus spin out of control?
will anyone even notice it?
the smile on my face, the fierceness in my attitude..
is that all jus a cover up? or to convince myself i am alright?

i have no idea..

i want to share more stuff but i have to go for now..
working later, so i have to go get lunch, and also keep my laundry and stuff..
the troubles of staying alone, u jus got to do everything urself..



171008, FRI, 1414hrs.

my emo confession.

A few days back, i was feeling fucking emo.
and instead of blogging, i send a fren this e-mail..
when i read wat i typed..
i realised it was kinda of powerful..
well, jus to share part of it..

"I was pretty lost a while ago.i don noe why.i don think its because of my dad..
but then, this semester when i came back.many things changed.
i lost myself basically..
i lost a lot of what i believe in, and i lost a lot of who i thought i was.I jus felt like i need to pour out how i feel..
so please spend some time reading..I feel like a failure..
cause i am never able to keep the promises i made to myself.
i lost the drive to do well in school.I lost the ability to love like i have never been hurt before.
I lost the discipline to not sleep wit you, and many other ppl whom i should not have slept with.
I lost everything,
i jus felt like i lost me..
this feeling, is incredibily scary, cause i jus don noe what to do wit myself now..
i can't believe what i have changed into, i have basically jus changed into someone, whom i realy hate.
i mean, if i were to meet myself now, i am so gonna hate myself.I feel ashame when i think of the past me..
and i feel ashame thinking of wat is going to happen to me.i thought i could go to sleep and wake up different..
but as the days go by, i realise this is jus not happening..

I really do enjoy the attention u give me.and i appreciate the gift u got me.i mean..
all these means a lot to me.cause i am really extremely lonely and lost here..
in this cold, pathetic, miserable room in ipswich.
No matter how happy, or how much a sunshine i am to people's life,i realised maybe all tt was jus an exterior..
I still wan to do well in my final semester.
and i am so worried for my exams.there is this report due on WED, and i am not even putting in enough effort..
my group is depending on me to lead them, but i have really disappointed them this time round..
i feel sorry for myself, and i feel really sorry for them.
i hate disappoing ppl, but i hate disappointing myself more..
I must say i am an emotional wreck..
really unstable now..
and when one of my fren from SG told me that she envy how i could see the world, and she miss seeing me in the dance class..
i realised, maybe the happiness i was looking for..
has always been there at home..
my frens, my life, and my family..
i jus never appreciated them..
Now, i jus feel like a huge part of me is missing..
i can't find it, and i am very scared."

yup. tts all for today.
feeling emo reading wat i have typed..
i can't belieeve myself..



151008, WED, 2004hrs

I Never should have let u.. Let me go.

ANother emo nite for me..
I jus wan to blog, hoping that things would be better..
or at least make me feel better.

I started watching gossip gals a few weeks ago after much persuasion.
and i honestly, i finally have some time to do the stuff i wanted to do.
was on to my 10th episode tonite, and i must say it is a great show.
not because of the gossips, or the sex or the bitching..

i like desperate housewives and grey's anatomy too cause they always have these fantastic voice over b4 and after the shows that related really well for me..
and i jus feel for it.
more often then not, feeling emo about it..

welll today's episode, was one of the best i have seen so far, and i jus wanted to share it here.

It ended wit the last sentence...
"I never should have let you, let me go"
then the song "apologise" by one republic played.. and the voice over starts....
"It is often said that no matter the truth, poeple see wat they wan to see.
some people might take a step back and find out, they were looking at the same big picture all along.
some people might see that their lies, have almost caught up to them.
some people may see, what was there all along.
and then there are these other people, the ones who run as far as they can, so they don have to look at themselves.
and as for me, i can see clearly now, xoxo gossip girl."

i watched the ending part so many things.. and i felt like i was going to cry.
only hoping that i could cry..
the feeling of emotions building up inside of me, but i jus can't release it..
last nite, i went to bed early for the 1st time in a long time..
and i remember me choking up, thinking about things b4 i slept, and i thought i was going to cry again, jus like in the past, when things were bad, and u jus cry urself to sleep.
but last nite, i couldn't even bring myself to tear anymore.
everything is jus cooked up inside of me.
is that part of growing up too?

i miss her so much... but then.. i see her everyday.. well almost everyday.
like today, everything was jus fine. as usual.. nothing special..
2 frens.. 2 groupmates.. and jus 2 seperate person...
even though we are close to one another, i jus feel extremely distance to her..
There are times, when i thought maybe i should jus try harder.
but thinking about the incident wit her GF, jus upsets me, cause i really don wan to do anything bad.. its jus bad karma..

but when suddenly one day,
she jus starts talking to me like b4..
and we could hang out more..
and when i realised that the wall paper on her laptop is no more her GF and her, but some other photos..
i start to wonder, is this really time for me to act again?
was she hinting me about anything?
or rather, issit jus me over thinking things once again?
i don noe.. i jus don fucking noe..

Ever felt like u have found the person u wan to be wit, but he/she jus don belong to u.
i reckon many had this feeling b4.
and this sucky feeling, jus happened to me.. and i must say this hasn't happen for a long time..
Talking about greatest love in my life. i don think i have much. well maybe i am still young.
or maybe, i jus don fall in love that easily after all..
and i am jus stubborn at the things i can't get..

I miss her so much now..
i wan to be wit her so much now..
and i wan to hug her to sleep so much so much so much...
but all i can do now, is to keep hoping..




091008, THU, 1131hrs

Post Cairns Depression.

The last post was short..
cause as i was typing, i was interupted by a phone call, and i had to leave for my fren's place.
stayed over at my fren's place, and then off we went to cairns together on MON monring.

Spent 4 lovely days in cairns..
Loves the taning.
Loves the Sun.
Loves the Great barrier Reef.
Loves the seafood.
Loves the Clubbing.
Loves the feeling of jus relaxing.

Along the trip, my fren M kept asking me if i enjoyed it.
and yes i did.
but then, it was back to the last post whereby..
i still miss like something is missing.
my frens are nice to hangout, and although these are not the closest bunch of frens i have.
i must say tis trip wit them, is still great. and we had a lot of laughter together.

But i really wan to spend time wit her.
jus her..
doing things together.
and enjoying each other's company..
Pretty impossible now i guess..

I remember b4 leaving for cairns,
we had to finish up some work..
and we had to tabulate the results of some surveys and research we have done..
although she was in my group, she didn't came to my place to do the tabulation, cause she stays really far away.
so for both nites, its only me and some of the other group members.

For the 2nd nite, as some of my mates were out in the city shopping with her, and i had to work..
we planned to meet at nite.
as usualy she was not requried to come due to the inconvinience..
but she gave me a pleasant surprise..
jus a simple gift...
2 krispy kreme..

it actually meant a lot to me, cause she said, jus in case i got hungary doing work, thats why she bought the doughnuts, and asked my mates to pass it to me when they got home.
well, i messaged her, for the 1st time..
something that is not work related.
jus to thank her for the doughnuts.
but seriously, i don think it meant anything much to her..

things are complicated..
more often than not, i hope tt i can be wit her.
but then.. i always think i am not ready for a relationship. as much as i wan one.
i think i jus simply have committment issues..
but i reckon most guys have committment issues.
its not jus saying i love u, and staying monogamous.
i do think a lot of effort, time and emotions have to be invested in a relationship.

As much as i hate being the lonely single now..
I oso do noe tt, when i am wit someone, i am probably going to hate the fact tt i will lose a lot of my personal space an time..
and that wouldn't be fun too..
I am jus contradicting myself.

watever it is..
i got a feeling tt she seems to be less attached to her GF now..
or maybe its jus me who is thinking too much.
and so wat if she is single someday.
will i still wan to be wit her, like i do now?
life changes, ppl change..
things will never be the same again.



041008, SAT, 1444hrs