The breaking point of depression scares me.

jus a couple of heart felt words.

i met him yesterday..
the complicated guy i was dating a while back.
i haven seen him for ages and everything was great.
dinner was great and we both laughed. a lot..

when it comes to night time.
i wanted to kiss and make love to him so much. jus like b4.
but he said no.
and i noe it was hard for him to say tt..
i wanted him so much, but eventually, i understood how he felt.
and yes we went to sleep together, on the same bed, wit me hugging him.
and thats all.

its a very special feeling.
the bond we shared..
its like we are both in constant depression. and we jus try to hold it at that level.
we don wan it to get worse, but neither we wan it to heal..
the mood swings of extremem highs and lows..
the feeling of us, never being understood.

I left this morning..
feeling yet another different person..
like i had mentioned, i had change so much in the past months, i have lost the "me".
and yes, i realised its not over yet, its like i am still changing, evolving i should say.

there's no school today, and i had a whole morning to do stuff..
i went to school to youtube, and watch the shows i have wanted to.
no drive to start on the essay that is due next week.
and at 1pm, there i was sitting in front of the TV, watching oprah..
only now, ellen degeneres is on another channel.
so i had to flip channels the entire hour.
i realised how i can laugh while watching ellen, and the next second, start to tear watching oprah.
the mood swings i had is getting out of control.
and more even so when today;s topic on oprah was on Depression.
At the end of the show, I started to tear again..
Its like..
i have to admit i suffer from it..
i can't say its serious..
but the symptons...
the feelings..
i feel it all..
its scary..
and its hard to compromise, cause i always convince myself that i noe myself best, and i can handle it.. its all jus part of growing up and changing, hoping it would make me stronger.
and then, there was this discussion of a breaking point..
and it struck fear in me..
i wonder when will mine be..
depression like all diseases, has a breaking point, where it jus overtakes and kill you..
and the thing wit depression is, it plays wit ur mind, so the brain uses your body as the weapon to kill urself..
and there u have it, the breaking point = suicide..

its scary to think about it.. really..
i have had the thought b4, but honestly, its pretty much under control most of the times..
but its very real, wat if one day, things jus spin out of control?
will anyone even notice it?
the smile on my face, the fierceness in my attitude..
is that all jus a cover up? or to convince myself i am alright?

i have no idea..

i want to share more stuff but i have to go for now..
working later, so i have to go get lunch, and also keep my laundry and stuff..
the troubles of staying alone, u jus got to do everything urself..



171008, FRI, 1414hrs.