my emo confession.

A few days back, i was feeling fucking emo.
and instead of blogging, i send a fren this e-mail..
when i read wat i typed..
i realised it was kinda of powerful..
well, jus to share part of it..

"I was pretty lost a while ago.i don noe why.i don think its because of my dad..
but then, this semester when i came back.many things changed.
i lost myself basically..
i lost a lot of what i believe in, and i lost a lot of who i thought i was.I jus felt like i need to pour out how i feel..
so please spend some time reading..I feel like a failure..
cause i am never able to keep the promises i made to myself.
i lost the drive to do well in school.I lost the ability to love like i have never been hurt before.
I lost the discipline to not sleep wit you, and many other ppl whom i should not have slept with.
I lost everything,
i jus felt like i lost me..
this feeling, is incredibily scary, cause i jus don noe what to do wit myself now..
i can't believe what i have changed into, i have basically jus changed into someone, whom i realy hate.
i mean, if i were to meet myself now, i am so gonna hate myself.I feel ashame when i think of the past me..
and i feel ashame thinking of wat is going to happen to me.i thought i could go to sleep and wake up different..
but as the days go by, i realise this is jus not happening..

I really do enjoy the attention u give me.and i appreciate the gift u got me.i mean..
all these means a lot to me.cause i am really extremely lonely and lost here..
in this cold, pathetic, miserable room in ipswich.
No matter how happy, or how much a sunshine i am to people's life,i realised maybe all tt was jus an exterior..
I still wan to do well in my final semester.
and i am so worried for my exams.there is this report due on WED, and i am not even putting in enough effort..
my group is depending on me to lead them, but i have really disappointed them this time round..
i feel sorry for myself, and i feel really sorry for them.
i hate disappoing ppl, but i hate disappointing myself more..
I must say i am an emotional wreck..
really unstable now..
and when one of my fren from SG told me that she envy how i could see the world, and she miss seeing me in the dance class..
i realised, maybe the happiness i was looking for..
has always been there at home..
my frens, my life, and my family..
i jus never appreciated them..
Now, i jus feel like a huge part of me is missing..
i can't find it, and i am very scared."

yup. tts all for today.
feeling emo reading wat i have typed..
i can't belieeve myself..



151008, WED, 2004hrs