GooD MorninG!! The last day of term break.

Ok.. i realised i haven blogged for quite sometime.
well.. tis week was my term break.. and today marks the last day of the term break..
i decided to start today a little differnet, since its the last day of slacking for me..
i woke up without going to wash up 1st.. i actually read a couple of pages of my book. which is good..
cause ppl who knows me will noe i usually read motivational and self-help books, and so it got me motivated. haha..
and yes, wat i di dwas on my com and pluck in loads of dancy tunes, and i jus danced to it and did some crunches and stuff.. which made me feel totally energetic now.. and since my com is already on, i decided to continue doing my usual stuf which includes checking mails, friendster, fridae and now, facebook.. haha..
and now i am feeling all hungry, so i guess i shall go wash up and get some brunch.. haha..
i hope the sun is good later, cause i was thinking of some sun tanning to make my day even better..
oh yes. i think today is a good day.. but yesterady was bad.. still procrasinating to share my story cause its so embaressing.. haha.. ok watever...
update again some other time..



300907, SUN, 1147hrs

updates bout my life in 190907.

Jus wanted to blog, and to update some stuff bout life.
1.) Had my 1st academic test yesterday on Financial Management, I think i conquered it.
I don wan to jus pass, i wan a distinction, and base on yesterday's paper, i think i have quite a high chance to score full marks for it. I was so anxious the nite b4 cause i haven been taking tests for the longest time. I am jus praying now tt everything turns out right.
2.) I have had loads of e-mail from frens asking me to join facebook and stuff..
i noe its an IN thing now and i should be taking part in it.. BUT i haven quite had the time to go participate in tis trend as yet.. yesterday, as i was going thru my mail again, i got a mail from my ex lecturer, whom i duely respect and love. And she actually invited me to join some network thingy on facebook. OMG. even my lecturer uses facebook now!! so now i am seriously getting an account b4 i get more mails to ask me to join facebook. ok i get it.
3.) hmmm, he is back for me. he had broken up wit his BF. yes damn it. i noe ppl out there probably think i am the back up plan, or the reject guy or watever u call it.. i am not too sure too. i am confused too. haiz. my feelings for him is not as strong as b4. cause i was too badly hurt the previous time, but yet, i noe i still like him in a way. so maybe after all i am going to stil meet up wit him agan and c how life goes. haiz.. i am scared to make another decision. it sux.
4.) yesterday after dance class, while i was showering, i got cruised, meaning someone try to hook up wit me. ok.. i noe it sounds like its from some porn flick, but maybe its the angmoh society. Anyway, lets not go into details on wat we did, but o some interesting facts about tis guy. I swear i am jus an innocent party. He is from Ireland with shocking bluish-green eyes which makes ur knees go weak. He works as a researcher in the universty. Some ecology shit which i have no idea about. here comes the best part, he is ATTACHED to a PARTNER! and the worst part is, THE PARTNER IS A WOMAN!! he is BISEXUAL TOO!! and the cool thing is tt, he came to australia to work wit his partner and they stay together and stuff. so they are really pretty close. and the partner knows tt he is bisexual and stuff.. isn't tt cool.. i mean as much as he is quite sexy, i am not tt attracted to him physically anymore, i think its his life tt is cool.. haha.. a totally interesting person. and OMG, the accent he has is jus "cool". haha..
watever it is, i better stop here, cause i have got WORK TO DO!! HELP!!! haiz..
JIAYOU JIAYOU JIAYOU!!! BYE peeps..



190907, WED, 0822hrs.

For Mummy.

I am dedicating tis post to my mum.
I miss her..
Yup.. she is the most important person in my life after all.. but its sad tt i only realised it so late..
since i was young, she had given me the best.. and she tries not to turm me down wit all my ridiculous wants and needs..
frens thought tt i was rich and spoilt.. well, i am not rich, but i am definately spoilt by her..
I didn't grow up to depends on her a lot.. i think i am quite independent actually..
but then, i start to boss her around, telling her wat to do and stuff.. and i become even more ridiculous..
coming to australia to study was a choice tt i made..
i didn't consult her.. i didn't even give her a chance to say no to me..
i jus insisted tt i can do it and i wan to do it..
i didn't care if she had to work harder.. i didn't care if she would miss me..
i didnt care if she would be worried bout me..
but i noe she does..
its raining outside now.. and the rain is as ridiculous as me..
Who the hell would think tt australia would rain at a time like tis.. and tis heavily..
well.. i am sunshine.. and when i am down and sad, the rain will fall..
i don noe why.. but it jus seems to happen.. its quite scary..
wheni feel down and sad.. the rain jus company me...
i think i will call mummy later.. but whenever the phone rings and she picks up..
i jus don noe wat to say..
i am afraid tt saying i miss her would make her miss me more..
i am afraid to tell her my problems.. i don wan her to worry..
but sometimes, i jus wan to noe tt she is fine.. and i miss my grandma too..
well...
after the ordeal in the last few days, it was really too much for me to take..
i am badly hurt and injured..
i need time to heal and recover..
i realised i should luv the ppl tt luv me..
and i shouldn'v luv the ppl tt didn't luv me at all..
but luv is blind and i can't help it..
i am trying to move on. trying to concentrate on my work..
i have a test coming up..
i haven took a test for so long.. i wonder if i can take the pressure..
i hope to score well. i wan to do well. i wan my distinctions... but i am afraid i will be disappointed at the end of the day..
i don think i should continue grumbling here anymore..
i am now going to spend my time studying and working hear..
i don wan mummy to be disappointed...
she said tt i should study hard, and she will work hard for me..
isn't tt the most touching thing?
i must prepare for war.. i need my fighting spirit back...
i need the sun to shine on me again.. i need to focus on my goals and dreams..
last but not least, i mustn't let anyone down..
its been 2 months since i last saw u. Take care mummy..



150907, SAT, 2318hrs.

i wonder if its funny or jus pessimistic me giving comments.

well.. its back to a boring monday.. which means long day at school.. group meeting b4 class and a load of crap in the upcoming days..
well.. one of the daily routines, serously, is friendster.... i mean i noe its quite passe, but its the most in thing i am into now.. haha.. so today, i posted a new bulletin, ya i noe no one does bulleting anymore, but i was bored!!
and one of my fren postedtis stuff, which after reading i had a lot to comment about, so those u c in bracket later are the comments i had..

When a guy is quiet, He's listening to you.. ( Or thinkingof wat to do next.)
When a guy is not arguing, He realizes he's wrong (he can't bebothered actually.)
When a guy says, "I'm fine,"after a few minutes,he means it (It depends on his facial expression, seriously.)
When a guy stares at you,he thinks you're the most beautiful thing in the world ( tt oso depends on where he is staring la!)
When you're laying your headon a guy's chest he has the world ( alright, i agree, i like tt feeling too.)
When a guy calls you everyday he is in love (Tt depends on the purpose of his call. wat if its because she owes money, then its different)
When a (good) guy say he loves you he means it (It depends on where is this said, if its on the bed, then he is liking u for another reason.)
When a guy says he can't livewithout you he's with you till your done (Provided tt we didn't quarell b4 tt, otherwise its jus to make u feel better.)
When a guy says, "I miss you,"he misses you more than you could have ever missed him or anything else ( its True half the time, the other half is when he is really bored.)
When a girl is quiet,millions of things are running through her mind. ( yes, and its often a case of thinking too much.)
When a girl is not arguing, she is thinking deeply. (no, she knows she is at wrong, but she still wans u to go pamper her and apologise.)
When a girl looks at you with eyes full of questions,she is wondering how long you will be around. ( i think its pretty true, for the gals who are insecure.)
When a girl answers, "I'm fine," after a few seconds,she is not at all fine. ( a gal is never fine, she always find faults wit u, or think the world is against her.)
When a girl stares at you,she is wondering why you are so wonderful. (tt oso depends on where she is staring at.)
When a girl lays on your chest,she is wishing for you to behers forever. (true to a certain extend, she may be thinking of asking u to build up ur pectorals too, or may be hoping u will lose more weight so she will not feel the belly there.)
When a girl calls you everyday,she is seeking for your attention. ( she doesn't trust u!)
When a girl wants to see you everyday,she wants to be pampered. ( yes, she needs attention, a lot of it!)
When a girl says, "I'll love you forever,"she means it. ( well tt depends on thetone, but usually, she jus wan to 'book' u la, in case no better guy comes along.)
When a girl says that she can't live without you,she has made up her mind that you are her future. ( she realised tt u have everything she needs. like money, car and house, but tt doesn't mean she luvs u)
When a girl says, "I miss you,"no one in this world can miss you more than that ( well, true to a certain extend.)

well i thought tis post would be something light hearted..
less misery and frustration.. but after looking thorugh wat i typed for tis bulletin, it seems tt i am really pretty much pessimistic.. haha.. can't help it.. its jus me.. wat ever it is, i am jus killing time now and procrasinating to get to the whole load of work waiting for me. lets see..
2 group projects coming up, one essay and one presentation, one individual business plan, and test next week, plus online quiz to do next week too..
i swear its going to be hell for the next 10 days..
wish me luck...



100907, MON, 1955hrs.

NEVER AGAIN!!

alright... i have had enough!!
last nite, he told me tt his BF wans to break up wit him. leaving me all confused again..
then we went out today together..
movie was grreat!! recommendation from me to go watch "La vie En Rose".
dinner was even better at tis place called "singapura @ milton"
then he drove me home.. everything was so nice and my heart jus gave way..
i asked him to give me another chance to date him and luv him again..
i ask him to leave his fucked up BF who don really luv him at all!! seriously!! halo.. he so haven realise it!
we held hands before i alighted the car.. he even kissed me on my fucking cheek!!
HALO!!! THE SMARTEST PERSON WILL BE MISLEAD CAN!!!
i mean how can u not feel special if u r me!!
when he reached home, he called me and EVERYTHING CHANGED!! FUCK YOU!!
he said he don noe wat he wans! he said he don wan to hurt me!! halo u r practically holding to my heart and squeezing it so hard i can't breath anymore! talk bout fucking HURT!!
and when i am pouring my fucking feelings out to him and telling him how much i wan to luv him and he should jus let go of that fucked up relationship wit his "BF" , he say he is confuse and he deosn't noe wat to do!! FUCK YOU!!
and the next best thing he said was to STOP PUSHING HIM. I AM PUSHING HIM TOO FAR!! I AM ASKING FOR TOO MUCH!! halo.. i am trying to wake u up..
here i am trying to give u some luv and care, but yet u choose to live ur life wit tt fucking guy who don even care and luv u as much as i fucking do!! seriously.. I AM SO FUCKING PISSED!!
I found a song to further explain how i feel now.. and its sung by my beloved kelly clarkson.. U GO GAL!! i luv her.. check out the lyrics of tis songs man..

I hope the ring you gave to her turns her finger green

I hope when your in bed with her, you think of me

I would never wish bad things, but I don't wish you well

Could you tell, by the flames that burned your words

I never read your letter'Cos I knew what you'd say

Give me that Sunday school answer

Try and make it all OK

Does it hurt to know I'll never be there

Bet it sucks, to see my face everywhere

It was you, who chose to end it like you did

I was the last to know

You knew exactly what you were doing

And don't say, you simply lost your way

She may believe you but I never will

Never again

If she really knows the truth, she deserves you

A trophy wife, oh how cute

Ignorance is bliss

But when your day comes, and he's through with you

And he'll be through with you

You'll die together but alone

You wrote me in a letter

You couldn't say it right to my face

Give me that Sunday school answer

Repent yourself away

Does it hurt to know I'll never be there

Bet it sucks, to see my face everywhere

It was you, who chose to end it like you did

I was the last to know

You knew exactly what you were doing

And don't say, you simply lost your way

They may believe you but I never will

Never again\

Never again will I hear you

Never again will I miss you

Never again will I fall to you

Never

Never again will I kiss you

Never again will I want to

Never again will I love you

Never

Does it hurt to know I'll never be there

Bet it sucks, to see my face everywhere

It was you, who chose to end it like you did

I was the last to know

You knew exactly what you were doing
And don't say, you simply lost your way

They may believe you but I never will

I never will

I never will

Never again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yes.. the song is called 'never again'.

current love.. seriously...
he is pushing me to far.. i swear he is testing my limits..
I DON DESERVE TIS!!! FUCK PPL WHO TRIES TO SCREW ME UP!!!




080907, SAT, 2330hrs

I AM THE SHINIEST DIAMOND!!

Alright..
I need to do tis.. badly..
Its the end.. yes.. i am heart broken again..
i feel fucked up again.. not literally but emotionally...
We chatted on MON nite.. i was totally excited to hear his voice again. he called after sending his BF off at the airport.. and the whole conversation was too much for me to take.. i jus cried..
seriously... i am still super emo.. can't help it..
he wanted a few days to think who to choose.. his BF or me.. and it was so bloody tortured to me.. and from the conversation on MON nite.. actually i could feel tt he woudln't choose me anymore.. its jus a feeling.. cause we are both scorpios.. FUCK SCORPIOS!!
ok.. not to sidetrack.. we decide to still meet the next day on TUE.. which is the usual.. well.. to prepare for the worse, i wrote a letter to tell him how i feel and a whole load of shit.. yes i WROTE a letter.. old school i know.. but tts jus me.. and there are 2 reasons why..
1.) Its hard to talk to him face to face, and btw, he didn't want to see me at all..
2.) I didn't feel like typing an e-mail.. its so not me.. its so him..
yup.. so tts why i wrote a letter.. and it was 6 pages long..
(I noe ii have should have used tt time and ability to work on my essay..DAMN IT!!)
i didn't sleep well at all tt nite.. my heart ache.. badly.. seriously...
the next day was bad too.. i didn't feel like going to school or doing anything at all.. then when i was having lunch wit my housemates, my phone rang, and it was a message from him...
tis is wat it says:
"hey (my Name), im not gonna leave (his BF's Name). i just cant. im so sorry. i still wanna hang out with u but i know its not fair to u. i cant see u tonight."
ok i expected tis.. but i was still devasted.. and for the 1st time, i didn't feel like eating my lunch anymore, i actually felt like vommitting..
and then the dramatic happen.. it started to rain outside (cue sound effects and sad music)..
i jus felt tt i was in another drama seriel.. and my housemates were pretty "concerned".. meaning some were really concern, some were jus busybody, some are laughing at me behind my back, some are jus enjoying the drama..
Ok.. then i had to pick myself up and be strong and stuff.. and i think a lot bout it.., and i felt like crying but no tears came out.. then tis is when the hatred starts to pour in .. and u wan revenge.. and u wan to snatch him back..and then u will loose control and go crazy and stuff.. yup.. but i tried to control it.. so it didn't show... it was all in my head..
fortunately.. i have dance class after tt.. and for ppl who noe me... dancing makes me high.. so it kept my mind "healthy" for some time..
but after dance.. i have decided to drop by his place.. so i walked in the rain.. and the lazy me didn't wan to take out my unbrella.. and i was soaked and drenched.. i thought tt tis would make him take pity on me and he would drive me to the station or stuff like tis.. BUT BUT BUT..
he wasn't even at home!! FUCK!!
so i jus slot the letter underneatht the door and off i went!! mind u tt it was still raining and the traffic was TERRIBLE!!
the fucking 10 mins bus ride took almost an hour.. and my stomach was growling like hell.. when i got to the train station.. i got a messaged from him.. tis is wat it says..
"i juz read yr letter. thx so much fr sharing yr thoughts w me. i feel very dark now, but none of it is yr fault, im v glad to know u, dear sunshine."
Ok.. a few comments from me.. of course u r feeling dark and OF COURSE ITS NOT MY FAULT!! halo u made me dark to ok!!
and yes he calls me sunshine at times, or rather most of the time.cause i got tis motivation to name my alter ego SUNSHINE after wacthing QAF..
then i called him, and he picked up... i have 2 reasons for calling him:
1.) To comfort him and make him feel less dark (Angel)
2.) To make him regret tt he chose not to have me by his side.. and wher4e the FUCK IS HIS BF WHEN HE IS DARK!?!?!?!
ok.. we chatted for super long.. like 40 mins.. and i sounded really happy and positive and stuff.. which honestly, the angelic side of me did feel tis way.. but i do have a devilish side, and all it wans is revenge!
through the conversation, i jus remembered some of the stuff he said which made me happy.. for example, "Its amazing how u r handling this.." wit a tone tt speaks of REGRET!! totally.. yes, strike one! then i even went to the point of saying i wan to be fren wit ur BF too and i hope u 2 last forever together.. and then he said, " i don really know about tis.." he is so unsure of his decision! strike 2! then i was so nice to give him advice on his relationship problems, then he got pissed and said " i don really wan ur advice now".. haha.. so honestly, he can't take it!!
watever it is.. i really spoke well on the phone tt nite.. and i was so happy when i got home, i had to tell everyone bout it..
but whenever nite comes, the devilish side steps in and take control of my mind.. it forces me to seek revenge.. SNATCH HIM BACK!! tis words screams in my head everytime i am in bed..
i am so scared..
We are friends now.. planning to go out once or twice a week still.. but i don noe how am i going to take it..
the angelic side.. says tt i am going to be great friends with him and i am going to care for him cause i like him for who he is.,
the develish side jus wans me to take revenge on him, stick by his side and snatch him back when opputunities comes, and fuck him when i have the chance.. and yes i mean literaaly fuck him.. tts how crude the real devil in me is..
i am still fighting tis war in me.. its been 2 days.. and its not over yet.. it is tough.. i am trying to focus on my school work, which has been kinda of deteriorating..
i still wan my straight distinctions.. so i need to work extra hard to catch up..
and i am back to reading some self help books to think positive, and feed the angel in me some nutrients.. so it can fight off the devil.. and i am now addicted to tis sentence..
"diamonds are formed under extreme pressure". wat it was trying to say was tt to be able to shine and be precious like a diamond, one has to go through intense pressure.. so i told myself.. tt is going to be me.. and i am going to be the shiniest diamond.!
well.. last but not least, i typed something on my MSN nick to show it to him.. "I forgive you cause i like u and i am strong enough to do so. but u r not forgotten.," tis sounded quite revengeful and scary.. so i added a *hugs* at the end of it.. to make it sound all sunshine and sweet.. haha.. how terrible.. i am starting tis whole mind game shit again..
ok then.. i wanna go home now, but its raining , so i am like stuck in the school's library..
i have so much work to do.. and there are tests coming up.. i better learn to work it!!!
I WILL SURVUVE!!
U GO GAL!! I AM THE BEST!!! I AM GOING TO ROCK EVERYONE"S LIFE!!
I AM GOING TO BE SINGAPORE'S NEXT TOP MODEL!! I AM GOING TO BE THE SHINIEST DIAMOND!!!


060907, THU, 1740hrs.

Why did i put myself in such a situation??

I need to blog again..
means its time for me to vent out my anger and sadness..
its always the case..
my blog is filled wit hatred and misery..
but tts the way i like it..

its MON today.. but last weekend was happening and dramatic.. tis was how it went..
Last FRI.. I submitted my 1st essay.. i was pretty happy and relived after i submit it..
had lunch after tt and was suppose to go geta job at subway.. but i was too busy playing Wii..
but left home at bout 3 plus. to go to his place..
yes tt aussie guy i was dating..
i was going to spend the nite at his place. hmmmm..
he cooked dinner again tis time.. and oso breakfast the next day morning..
I had mixed feelings..
we had so much passion.. i jus didn't wan to let him go..
but i said something wrong when we were going to bed..
we talked bout his BF..
yes his BF.. not me.. the guy from his Long distance relationship..
and then things went back..
we jus wanted to enjoy the time we had together..
but it was really hard for me..
i feel so bad and lousy. i jus don noe wat i should do..
when i left on SAT afternoon, i head to central for lunch wit my housemates and we had dim sum.. it was really damn good.. i luved it.. and not too costly too.. meaning its quite worth it..
then after tt.. we jus rotted waiting for RiverFest to start..
RiverFest is like a festival to usher in Spring and there were fireworks.
the fireworks was spectacular.. it was bout 20 mins ong and i truely enjoyed it.. but at a certain point in time.. i jus teared... cause i know tt the person i wan to be wit right now if with another person.. and tt person is not me.
i messaged him tt nite.. but there was no reply. so i was really depressed..
i kept asking myself issit because he is enjoying himself and having a good time?
I jus hate to think bout these stuff.. but it was so hard not too..
we went to sing KTV that nite after the fireworks.. so its like one whole fucking day of event..
and tt 4 hrs of KTV was really worth it.. it was expensive. but it really made me high, especially towads the end.. i jus screamed.. and the company was great.. 3 other sisters from hospi.. we had a great time together.. we jus talked non stop.. trust me.. we are so random and full of shit.. but we jus click and jus couldn't stop moving our mouth..
after KTV, my fren and i tried to catch the last train back to ipswich and we missed it.
we were cursing and swearing.. cause we only missed it by 2mins..
damn it.. so we had to call our sisters again and head to their place for the nite..
so i was like some roadside beggar.. having to sleep around in ppl's bed except mine..
tt nite. when i was there.. i spent so much time talking to my buddy and i had to tell him how lousy i felt in order for me to feel better.. and he had plenty of issues too..
when i woke up the next day.. it was already noon.. so the 3 sisters, plus my buddy and me.. the 5 of us head out for lunch..
the lunch was pretty good.. and we jus talked and talked and time jus fly..
ok issue here is my fren stays at toowong too.. and its only footsteps away from the aussie guy's place.. i really jus wanted to go to his place and knock on his door.. and tell him how much i needed him and how much i hated the fact tt he is wit his BF now..
but guess i could control myself.. and one of my fren asked wat if both of them walked past us now.. wat will i do..
i gave an answer.. but honestly.. i am not too sure if i could still contain myself then.. and will i still be able to control my thinking and actions..
BUT fortunately.. tt didn't happen. but still i was sad.. cause when i woke up tt day.. i jus couldn't help but send him another SMS.. and there was no reply again.. until lunch was over..
when we were heading back to Ipswich. my phone rang and it was a SMS from him.. and it was short.. i had mixed feelings again.. why am i still doing tis..
tis is not wat i wan..
and i noe i should deserve better..
but i jus don wan to lose him..
tt nite sux.. i jus felt so tired physically cause i didn't zzzzzzz to well the past 2 nites and there was too much walking and partying around.. so i was aching all over..
and emotionally.. i was reallly drained..i jus stoned.. the whole nite.. i didn't have the mood to get into anything.. and i felt so grumpy.. the 1st time since i was here..
if anyone was to offend me tt nite.. i am sure he or she will get it from me..
so last nite.. i jus messaged again.. it was only a good nite message...
and till tis morning.. and till now.. i haven got a reply.. not even a SINGLE FUCKING REPLY!!!
WAT SHOULD I DO!!?!?!
wat if he doesn't call later..which he usually will.. and we are suppose to meet tomolo nite again. our usual TUE nites.. will he forget tt too.. will he forget me?
i am not too sure if he will still wan to c his BF.. have they broken up or have thier relationship grown stronger?
i really don noe.. and i am so so so scared..
I tell myself to be strong. i know i am strong.. but sometimes.. one jus feels so tired..
i hope the next post will be a good one.. i am praying so hard.. and yet i am still so scared.. why..
i think i need help..



030907, MON, 1811hrs