Monday, September 03, 2007

Why did i put myself in such a situation??

I need to blog again..
means its time for me to vent out my anger and sadness..
its always the case..
my blog is filled wit hatred and misery..
but tts the way i like it..

its MON today.. but last weekend was happening and dramatic.. tis was how it went..
Last FRI.. I submitted my 1st essay.. i was pretty happy and relived after i submit it..
had lunch after tt and was suppose to go geta job at subway.. but i was too busy playing Wii..
but left home at bout 3 plus. to go to his place..
yes tt aussie guy i was dating..
i was going to spend the nite at his place. hmmmm..
he cooked dinner again tis time.. and oso breakfast the next day morning..
I had mixed feelings..
we had so much passion.. i jus didn't wan to let him go..
but i said something wrong when we were going to bed..
we talked bout his BF..
yes his BF.. not me.. the guy from his Long distance relationship..
and then things went back..
we jus wanted to enjoy the time we had together..
but it was really hard for me..
i feel so bad and lousy. i jus don noe wat i should do..
when i left on SAT afternoon, i head to central for lunch wit my housemates and we had dim sum.. it was really damn good.. i luved it.. and not too costly too.. meaning its quite worth it..
then after tt.. we jus rotted waiting for RiverFest to start..
RiverFest is like a festival to usher in Spring and there were fireworks.
the fireworks was spectacular.. it was bout 20 mins ong and i truely enjoyed it.. but at a certain point in time.. i jus teared... cause i know tt the person i wan to be wit right now if with another person.. and tt person is not me.
i messaged him tt nite.. but there was no reply. so i was really depressed..
i kept asking myself issit because he is enjoying himself and having a good time?
I jus hate to think bout these stuff.. but it was so hard not too..
we went to sing KTV that nite after the fireworks.. so its like one whole fucking day of event..
and tt 4 hrs of KTV was really worth it.. it was expensive. but it really made me high, especially towads the end.. i jus screamed.. and the company was great.. 3 other sisters from hospi.. we had a great time together.. we jus talked non stop.. trust me.. we are so random and full of shit.. but we jus click and jus couldn't stop moving our mouth..
after KTV, my fren and i tried to catch the last train back to ipswich and we missed it.
we were cursing and swearing.. cause we only missed it by 2mins..
damn it.. so we had to call our sisters again and head to their place for the nite..
so i was like some roadside beggar.. having to sleep around in ppl's bed except mine..
tt nite. when i was there.. i spent so much time talking to my buddy and i had to tell him how lousy i felt in order for me to feel better.. and he had plenty of issues too..
when i woke up the next day.. it was already noon.. so the 3 sisters, plus my buddy and me.. the 5 of us head out for lunch..
the lunch was pretty good.. and we jus talked and talked and time jus fly..
ok issue here is my fren stays at toowong too.. and its only footsteps away from the aussie guy's place.. i really jus wanted to go to his place and knock on his door.. and tell him how much i needed him and how much i hated the fact tt he is wit his BF now..
but guess i could control myself.. and one of my fren asked wat if both of them walked past us now.. wat will i do..
i gave an answer.. but honestly.. i am not too sure if i could still contain myself then.. and will i still be able to control my thinking and actions..
BUT fortunately.. tt didn't happen. but still i was sad.. cause when i woke up tt day.. i jus couldn't help but send him another SMS.. and there was no reply again.. until lunch was over..
when we were heading back to Ipswich. my phone rang and it was a SMS from him.. and it was short.. i had mixed feelings again.. why am i still doing tis..
tis is not wat i wan..
and i noe i should deserve better..
but i jus don wan to lose him..
tt nite sux.. i jus felt so tired physically cause i didn't zzzzzzz to well the past 2 nites and there was too much walking and partying around.. so i was aching all over..
and emotionally.. i was reallly drained..i jus stoned.. the whole nite.. i didn't have the mood to get into anything.. and i felt so grumpy.. the 1st time since i was here..
if anyone was to offend me tt nite.. i am sure he or she will get it from me..
so last nite.. i jus messaged again.. it was only a good nite message...
and till tis morning.. and till now.. i haven got a reply.. not even a SINGLE FUCKING REPLY!!!
WAT SHOULD I DO!!?!?!
wat if he doesn't call later..which he usually will.. and we are suppose to meet tomolo nite again. our usual TUE nites.. will he forget tt too.. will he forget me?
i am not too sure if he will still wan to c his BF.. have they broken up or have thier relationship grown stronger?
i really don noe.. and i am so so so scared..
I tell myself to be strong. i know i am strong.. but sometimes.. one jus feels so tired..
i hope the next post will be a good one.. i am praying so hard.. and yet i am still so scared.. why..
i think i need help..



030907, MON, 1811hrs

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