I AM THE SHINIEST DIAMOND!!
Alright..
I need to do tis.. badly..
Its the end.. yes.. i am heart broken again..
i feel fucked up again.. not literally but emotionally...
We chatted on MON nite.. i was totally excited to hear his voice again. he called after sending his BF off at the airport.. and the whole conversation was too much for me to take.. i jus cried..
seriously... i am still super emo.. can't help it..
he wanted a few days to think who to choose.. his BF or me.. and it was so bloody tortured to me.. and from the conversation on MON nite.. actually i could feel tt he woudln't choose me anymore.. its jus a feeling.. cause we are both scorpios.. FUCK SCORPIOS!!
ok.. not to sidetrack.. we decide to still meet the next day on TUE.. which is the usual.. well.. to prepare for the worse, i wrote a letter to tell him how i feel and a whole load of shit.. yes i WROTE a letter.. old school i know.. but tts jus me.. and there are 2 reasons why..
1.) Its hard to talk to him face to face, and btw, he didn't want to see me at all..
2.) I didn't feel like typing an e-mail.. its so not me.. its so him..
yup.. so tts why i wrote a letter.. and it was 6 pages long..
(I noe ii have should have used tt time and ability to work on my essay..DAMN IT!!)
i didn't sleep well at all tt nite.. my heart ache.. badly.. seriously...
the next day was bad too.. i didn't feel like going to school or doing anything at all.. then when i was having lunch wit my housemates, my phone rang, and it was a message from him...
tis is wat it says:
"hey (my Name), im not gonna leave (his BF's Name). i just cant. im so sorry. i still wanna hang out with u but i know its not fair to u. i cant see u tonight."
ok i expected tis.. but i was still devasted.. and for the 1st time, i didn't feel like eating my lunch anymore, i actually felt like vommitting..
and then the dramatic happen.. it started to rain outside (cue sound effects and sad music)..
i jus felt tt i was in another drama seriel.. and my housemates were pretty "concerned".. meaning some were really concern, some were jus busybody, some are laughing at me behind my back, some are jus enjoying the drama..
Ok.. then i had to pick myself up and be strong and stuff.. and i think a lot bout it.., and i felt like crying but no tears came out.. then tis is when the hatred starts to pour in .. and u wan revenge.. and u wan to snatch him back..and then u will loose control and go crazy and stuff.. yup.. but i tried to control it.. so it didn't show... it was all in my head..
fortunately.. i have dance class after tt.. and for ppl who noe me... dancing makes me high.. so it kept my mind "healthy" for some time..
but after dance.. i have decided to drop by his place.. so i walked in the rain.. and the lazy me didn't wan to take out my unbrella.. and i was soaked and drenched.. i thought tt tis would make him take pity on me and he would drive me to the station or stuff like tis.. BUT BUT BUT..
he wasn't even at home!! FUCK!!
so i jus slot the letter underneatht the door and off i went!! mind u tt it was still raining and the traffic was TERRIBLE!!
the fucking 10 mins bus ride took almost an hour.. and my stomach was growling like hell.. when i got to the train station.. i got a messaged from him.. tis is wat it says..
"i juz read yr letter. thx so much fr sharing yr thoughts w me. i feel very dark now, but none of it is yr fault, im v glad to know u, dear sunshine."
Ok.. a few comments from me.. of course u r feeling dark and OF COURSE ITS NOT MY FAULT!! halo u made me dark to ok!!
and yes he calls me sunshine at times, or rather most of the time.cause i got tis motivation to name my alter ego SUNSHINE after wacthing QAF..
then i called him, and he picked up... i have 2 reasons for calling him:
1.) To comfort him and make him feel less dark (Angel)
2.) To make him regret tt he chose not to have me by his side.. and wher4e the FUCK IS HIS BF WHEN HE IS DARK!?!?!?!
ok.. we chatted for super long.. like 40 mins.. and i sounded really happy and positive and stuff.. which honestly, the angelic side of me did feel tis way.. but i do have a devilish side, and all it wans is revenge!
through the conversation, i jus remembered some of the stuff he said which made me happy.. for example, "Its amazing how u r handling this.." wit a tone tt speaks of REGRET!! totally.. yes, strike one! then i even went to the point of saying i wan to be fren wit ur BF too and i hope u 2 last forever together.. and then he said, " i don really know about tis.." he is so unsure of his decision! strike 2! then i was so nice to give him advice on his relationship problems, then he got pissed and said " i don really wan ur advice now".. haha.. so honestly, he can't take it!!
watever it is.. i really spoke well on the phone tt nite.. and i was so happy when i got home, i had to tell everyone bout it..
but whenever nite comes, the devilish side steps in and take control of my mind.. it forces me to seek revenge.. SNATCH HIM BACK!! tis words screams in my head everytime i am in bed..
i am so scared..
We are friends now.. planning to go out once or twice a week still.. but i don noe how am i going to take it..
the angelic side.. says tt i am going to be great friends with him and i am going to care for him cause i like him for who he is.,
the develish side jus wans me to take revenge on him, stick by his side and snatch him back when opputunities comes, and fuck him when i have the chance.. and yes i mean literaaly fuck him.. tts how crude the real devil in me is..
i am still fighting tis war in me.. its been 2 days.. and its not over yet.. it is tough.. i am trying to focus on my school work, which has been kinda of deteriorating..
i still wan my straight distinctions.. so i need to work extra hard to catch up..
and i am back to reading some self help books to think positive, and feed the angel in me some nutrients.. so it can fight off the devil.. and i am now addicted to tis sentence..
"diamonds are formed under extreme pressure". wat it was trying to say was tt to be able to shine and be precious like a diamond, one has to go through intense pressure.. so i told myself.. tt is going to be me.. and i am going to be the shiniest diamond.!
well.. last but not least, i typed something on my MSN nick to show it to him.. "I forgive you cause i like u and i am strong enough to do so. but u r not forgotten.," tis sounded quite revengeful and scary.. so i added a *hugs* at the end of it.. to make it sound all sunshine and sweet.. haha.. how terrible.. i am starting tis whole mind game shit again..
ok then.. i wanna go home now, but its raining , so i am like stuck in the school's library..
i have so much work to do.. and there are tests coming up.. i better learn to work it!!!
I WILL SURVUVE!!
U GO GAL!! I AM THE BEST!!! I AM GOING TO ROCK EVERYONE"S LIFE!!
I AM GOING TO BE SINGAPORE'S NEXT TOP MODEL!! I AM GOING TO BE THE SHINIEST DIAMOND!!!
060907, THU, 1740hrs.
I need to do tis.. badly..
Its the end.. yes.. i am heart broken again..
i feel fucked up again.. not literally but emotionally...
We chatted on MON nite.. i was totally excited to hear his voice again. he called after sending his BF off at the airport.. and the whole conversation was too much for me to take.. i jus cried..
seriously... i am still super emo.. can't help it..
he wanted a few days to think who to choose.. his BF or me.. and it was so bloody tortured to me.. and from the conversation on MON nite.. actually i could feel tt he woudln't choose me anymore.. its jus a feeling.. cause we are both scorpios.. FUCK SCORPIOS!!
ok.. not to sidetrack.. we decide to still meet the next day on TUE.. which is the usual.. well.. to prepare for the worse, i wrote a letter to tell him how i feel and a whole load of shit.. yes i WROTE a letter.. old school i know.. but tts jus me.. and there are 2 reasons why..
1.) Its hard to talk to him face to face, and btw, he didn't want to see me at all..
2.) I didn't feel like typing an e-mail.. its so not me.. its so him..
yup.. so tts why i wrote a letter.. and it was 6 pages long..
(I noe ii have should have used tt time and ability to work on my essay..DAMN IT!!)
i didn't sleep well at all tt nite.. my heart ache.. badly.. seriously...
the next day was bad too.. i didn't feel like going to school or doing anything at all.. then when i was having lunch wit my housemates, my phone rang, and it was a message from him...
tis is wat it says:
"hey (my Name), im not gonna leave (his BF's Name). i just cant. im so sorry. i still wanna hang out with u but i know its not fair to u. i cant see u tonight."
ok i expected tis.. but i was still devasted.. and for the 1st time, i didn't feel like eating my lunch anymore, i actually felt like vommitting..
and then the dramatic happen.. it started to rain outside (cue sound effects and sad music)..
i jus felt tt i was in another drama seriel.. and my housemates were pretty "concerned".. meaning some were really concern, some were jus busybody, some are laughing at me behind my back, some are jus enjoying the drama..
Ok.. then i had to pick myself up and be strong and stuff.. and i think a lot bout it.., and i felt like crying but no tears came out.. then tis is when the hatred starts to pour in .. and u wan revenge.. and u wan to snatch him back..and then u will loose control and go crazy and stuff.. yup.. but i tried to control it.. so it didn't show... it was all in my head..
fortunately.. i have dance class after tt.. and for ppl who noe me... dancing makes me high.. so it kept my mind "healthy" for some time..
but after dance.. i have decided to drop by his place.. so i walked in the rain.. and the lazy me didn't wan to take out my unbrella.. and i was soaked and drenched.. i thought tt tis would make him take pity on me and he would drive me to the station or stuff like tis.. BUT BUT BUT..
he wasn't even at home!! FUCK!!
so i jus slot the letter underneatht the door and off i went!! mind u tt it was still raining and the traffic was TERRIBLE!!
the fucking 10 mins bus ride took almost an hour.. and my stomach was growling like hell.. when i got to the train station.. i got a messaged from him.. tis is wat it says..
"i juz read yr letter. thx so much fr sharing yr thoughts w me. i feel very dark now, but none of it is yr fault, im v glad to know u, dear sunshine."
Ok.. a few comments from me.. of course u r feeling dark and OF COURSE ITS NOT MY FAULT!! halo u made me dark to ok!!
and yes he calls me sunshine at times, or rather most of the time.cause i got tis motivation to name my alter ego SUNSHINE after wacthing QAF..
then i called him, and he picked up... i have 2 reasons for calling him:
1.) To comfort him and make him feel less dark (Angel)
2.) To make him regret tt he chose not to have me by his side.. and wher4e the FUCK IS HIS BF WHEN HE IS DARK!?!?!?!
ok.. we chatted for super long.. like 40 mins.. and i sounded really happy and positive and stuff.. which honestly, the angelic side of me did feel tis way.. but i do have a devilish side, and all it wans is revenge!
through the conversation, i jus remembered some of the stuff he said which made me happy.. for example, "Its amazing how u r handling this.." wit a tone tt speaks of REGRET!! totally.. yes, strike one! then i even went to the point of saying i wan to be fren wit ur BF too and i hope u 2 last forever together.. and then he said, " i don really know about tis.." he is so unsure of his decision! strike 2! then i was so nice to give him advice on his relationship problems, then he got pissed and said " i don really wan ur advice now".. haha.. so honestly, he can't take it!!
watever it is.. i really spoke well on the phone tt nite.. and i was so happy when i got home, i had to tell everyone bout it..
but whenever nite comes, the devilish side steps in and take control of my mind.. it forces me to seek revenge.. SNATCH HIM BACK!! tis words screams in my head everytime i am in bed..
i am so scared..
We are friends now.. planning to go out once or twice a week still.. but i don noe how am i going to take it..
the angelic side.. says tt i am going to be great friends with him and i am going to care for him cause i like him for who he is.,
the develish side jus wans me to take revenge on him, stick by his side and snatch him back when opputunities comes, and fuck him when i have the chance.. and yes i mean literaaly fuck him.. tts how crude the real devil in me is..
i am still fighting tis war in me.. its been 2 days.. and its not over yet.. it is tough.. i am trying to focus on my school work, which has been kinda of deteriorating..
i still wan my straight distinctions.. so i need to work extra hard to catch up..
and i am back to reading some self help books to think positive, and feed the angel in me some nutrients.. so it can fight off the devil.. and i am now addicted to tis sentence..
"diamonds are formed under extreme pressure". wat it was trying to say was tt to be able to shine and be precious like a diamond, one has to go through intense pressure.. so i told myself.. tt is going to be me.. and i am going to be the shiniest diamond.!
well.. last but not least, i typed something on my MSN nick to show it to him.. "I forgive you cause i like u and i am strong enough to do so. but u r not forgotten.," tis sounded quite revengeful and scary.. so i added a *hugs* at the end of it.. to make it sound all sunshine and sweet.. haha.. how terrible.. i am starting tis whole mind game shit again..
ok then.. i wanna go home now, but its raining , so i am like stuck in the school's library..
i have so much work to do.. and there are tests coming up.. i better learn to work it!!!
I WILL SURVUVE!!
U GO GAL!! I AM THE BEST!!! I AM GOING TO ROCK EVERYONE"S LIFE!!
I AM GOING TO BE SINGAPORE'S NEXT TOP MODEL!! I AM GOING TO BE THE SHINIEST DIAMOND!!!
060907, THU, 1740hrs.
posted by SunShine at 11:55 PM
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