Is ur present any difference from ur past? have u learned any lessons?

hi all!
today is my rest day.
i haven had a whole day free for quite sometime.. but today.. tis is it!
have been clearing leave and off tids week.
si i took the chance to meet up wit alot of ppl!!
seriously a lot..
hmmm a lot of them being guys i dated in the pass..
and i am happy to catch 2 MOVIES i have really wanted to watch in tis week..
being fantastic 4 and trasformers..
i seriously luv jessica alba and josh duhamel. there are not jus some pretty face. they really have the charm to work it. chris evan is really hot too.. but he is gemini. so i not tt enthu over him..
haha.. i noe i am shallow..
and i got to sing KTV TWICE tis week too!!
wow.. i totally luv it..
i think my singing improve a little more
haha...
and went back to TP and ate at the training restaurant.. the gathering was great..
a total of 26 ex hospi mated turned up
went to visit the lecturers later afer tt..
so talked to a couple of them.. and trust me..
HOW TIME FLIES!!!!!!
other accomplishments tis week includes going to SENTOSA!
gathering wit my ex colleagues from the cafe cause there was a burfdae celebration!
getiing back to camp a couple of times for my damn clearance! almost done man!
ok ok..

lets talk bout the meeting wit 3 ex dates..
actually i would consider 2 of them my partners...
cause i do truely luv them..
and i can assure myself once again t i did truely luv them b4 when i met them again tis week..
reason being... they r happily dating now.. finding someone they luv..
yup nothing to do wit me..
and yes tts precisely the point..
leading a hapy life without me.. it hurts..
i am not jealous.. maybe a little sour..
cause i realy did hope tt the person was me..
its hard to ex[plain the feeling.
i am hapy for them.. but i am definately not hapy for myself..
its not tt i didn;t treausre them..
actuaally for these 2 tt i really luved, i kinda of got dumped by them..
not as drama as one would picture though.. but jus tt cause they kinda of really hate me at a certain point in time and decide to give up on me..
i only have myslef to blame..
but i noe i did leave an impression on them.. they have have shaped and change my live.. i hope i dod make a difernece in theirs too..

My 1st BF. currently dating another scorpio.. a lawyer.. great future ahead.. seems like a great guy.. but i jus felt tt we have qiuite a lot of similarities. cause i met his date wit hiM!! yes.. beliieve it or not.. i actually went dinner wit the both of themm.
i swear i was not thinking when i agreed.. nothing bad actually.. it was damn interesting.. like an episode of drama..
i observe them a lot during dinner.. it remininded me of the past we had..
i knew why he let me go 2 yrs back.. itsbecause i had a foul temper.. its because i am stubbrn.. its because i am too possessive...
but seriously.. do u think tis new guy he is dating going to be any better??
he is a scorpio too!! halo.. these are typical traits of scorpios.. and he is a lawyer.. so i got no doubt on his abilit of "shooting" at ppl wit words la!
BUt after all these bitching.. i seriously hope things will turn up wel for them.. he is a great catch.. i jus hope he will treasure.. its great to c someone u luv being hapy.. but it still hurts inside..

well.. and for my 2nd partner.. he is actually my charming..
yupp reason for breaking up was quarelling due to my childishness.. haha.. i wasn;t tt childish. but he jus have the fact grouded in his head tt i am a child cause i am a lot younger then him. but seriously, i did luv him.. a lot.. cause he did pamper me.. and i could feel he's care for me.. and tt was wat really matter.. and tt was all i choose to remember.. the hapy times and the luv i felt from him..
i didn;t c the guy he was dating now.. but he is oso not very old.. a few yrs older then me.. jus finish his degree..

actually wat i want to say tt they are both dating guys tt have my resemblance..
maybe its not me..
its we ppl.
we r always attracted to the same kinda of ppl.. the same type..
as much as we hate certain things bout them.. like the age, the personality, the character or the way we talk and behave..
sometimes we are atracted to it without knowing it..
and after sometimes.. u start to hate it cause its not exactly wat u luv..
its a vicious cycle until u realise it one day and u start to compromise on the thing u like and luv.. and oso wat u r willing to give in to..
cause every plus points, comes wit a negative one..
tts wat i realise after meeting them..

wat i wan to tell them is.. sorry if i have disappointed u guys in the past... but i did truely luv u 2.. and i was jus being myself.. being true and honest.. but i guess its not wat u really wan.. but then again.. always think carefully bout wat u wan.. cause humans always make the same mistake.. is ur current any diffenrece from ur past? r u commiting the same mistake again??

tts some of the reflections for tis week...


last but not least, one of my dance instructor from studio wu last time passed away..
committed suicide..
its damn depresing..
he is pretty succesful.. in my point of view..
i jus don undersstand why...
he's a scorpio too.. r scorpio's tt myseterious and hard to understnad...
maybe he got lost himself.. maybe he realise he is not being wat he is..
maybe its because of some fatal probelms he is facing in life..
no one noes now..
but everyone is hurt.. terribly upset.. as much as i am not t close to him.. i could feel the grief..
going to pay my respects tomolo..
i hope tt everyone around him will start to heal and be better by moving on. its never easy..
but in cases like tt..
we are never given a choice..
Ishi, i respect u. do bless the ppl tt really luv u. moving is hard, but itsalso the only choice.


010707, SUN, 1348hrs

thank you for making me realise.

u only noe how much it hurts when u realise u have lost it totally..
tts the lesson i learned today..

i met mr. charming today.. the guy i dated sometime back..
haven seen him for one yr plus..
never thought he would still wazn to meet me again..
but we did meet up.
i was hapy.
he told me tt he is seeing some other guy now..
i never thought i would feel tt way..
but it hurt inside..
its not jealous..
but the feel of losing someting u treasure..
something tt u thought u could have.
but not anymore..
he gave me alot..
he made me think, feel and realise alot..
i thank him for all tt he have done for me..
he paid for dinner again tonite..
like always..
i made a mental note..
i am going to buy hima really good dinner in the future when i am rich..
thank you dude..
haven felt true luv for somtitme.. u woke my heart up..
all tt dating i have been through are pretty shallow..
i must admit....
luv is indescridable..
its a feeling.
its an emotion.
its a surge of energy.
its in my memory.


260607, Tue, 2323hrs

ANother transition period for me...

once again moticated to blog after reading my fren's blogs.. haha..
a lazy saturday afternoon. the calm b4 the storm.. heading to victorai theatre later for my last show wit MDC,,
2 yrs.. i have been serving NS in tis so called "SAF Heaven".. where u hardly get duties. where working time is extremely flexible. where responsibilities are deemed as little.. but wat many don noe is the politics we face everyday wit our fellow colleagues and managers, the tough and rough times we had to go through b4 appearing really galmorous on stage.. the flexible working time being to flexible at times tt we have to perform on weekends and public holidays.
Today marks my last last show wit them. i hope tt i will never have to do shows wit them anymore. its not tt i don like it.. but i guess i need to move on already. my performing life as a chinese orchestra musicaian is coming to an end..
i have no regrets. performing in countless number of shows and performances.. i have practically performed in all majoy halls in singapore.
only regret is tt i only got to perform in 2 overseas country. which is malaysia and perth, australia.
i am not too sure is i still can be a performing artist once i move on to the next phase of life. but if i can. i actually hope tti can be a dancer. 9 yrs of my life, i have devote it to chinese music. i guess its time for a switch too..

ok enough bout those emo stuff.. i jus wan to say how shag i am after 2 weeks of horrendous rehearsals and 3 straight days of performance. today being the second day and one more to go tomolo.. i need a BREAK!!

but rest assured. viewing tt i may be leaving the country soon for a period of time, i have lined up programs the whole of next week wit some of my beloved frens. from movies to ktv sessions and lunch gathering! woah. i am really going to get busy.
nevertheless, i still need to go back to my camp to do my clearance. so i am praying really hard everything goes on smoothly without any hiccups. i jus wan to leave peacefully and soundly.

i am going through a transition period in life. its was 2 yrs ago when i felt like tt.. from poly to army.. tt was wat happened 2 yrs ago.
transitions in life means a lot to me.
A change in environment.
A change in Lifestyle.
A change in the Friends tt u will still keep in contact wit.
A change in personality and chracter, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse.
A change in interest, hobbies and likings.
A change in the way u view things.
A change in the things u need and want.
A change in ur goals in life a t times.
A change in maybe perhaps, the whole you.

yes its scary when u think bout it.
but when the changes comes, u don really realise it until its kinda of over and u reflect on it.
then u see the difference in u.. totally..
i am currently reflecting my 2 yrs in army. and planning ahead for my future.
everything is uncertain now. and as much as i seem free wit my time, i am pack wit thoughts in my head.
I better go get some rest b4 show later.
i am going to miss the applause i get everytime after a show.
i am gong to miss the spotlights tt are shone on me during the shows.
i am going to miss the gruelling rehearsals i had to bear through b4 a show.
i am going to miss all my fellow colleagues and musicians i have worked wit to make a show succesful.
They are great memories to last a lifetime!!

230607, SAT, 1331hrs.

Stubborn VS. Persistent.. i need a balance..

I have the sudden urge to blog after reading my frens blog... haha..
such great blogs..
i luv reading those wit lots of pictures..lots of real honest confessions.. lots of gossips.. and lots of pain..
Yes i noe i am crazy sometimes.. but tts jus me..
anyway i am really tired of rehearsals.. i never thought i would sit down and play my instru for hours.. and by tt i mean like maybe an average of 6 hrs of rehearsal?
CRAZY i NOE!@.. my hands are all soar and i had to bring a cushion to work cause my butt got so soar sitting on those really hard chairs.. tts how bad it is..
and i have put on so much fucking weight.. cause all i do is eat the sit there and rehearse..
these 3 days have been hell again.. cause rehearsals are usually in the noon tiss nite.. and i acutally still manage to go teach in the morning.. OMG.. so i am working like more then 12 hrs a day..
and its all bout music!! OMG.. i am really going crazy. i guess tts why i didn;t choose music as a career..
So i am totally drain.. but tomolo is going to be worse.. rehearsal form 9 am to 10 pm!!!
OMG!!!
pls pray for me..

anyway i was reading my dance partner's blog.. and i realised how much i mis dancing wit her. and meeting up weekly to go for our lessons.. no matter how tired we are.. no matter how sick we are.. no matter how hard we bitch bout not wanting to go for class.. we still reach there everyweek.. punctually without faill..
honestly i didn;t think i did very well overall.. i think i could have done better causeu i didn;t practice much..
during the last dance of the last class.. i really tried my best and our instructor did give pretty good comment. i was really happy.. and so was she.. we had really good rapport... and i jus can;t wait to do it again.. but i guess time doesn;t allow me.. i was terribly disdappinted when our classmates are moving on to the next level and we can;t.. they were oso saying tt it is such a waste.. and we were seriously one of the better ones in class..
tts sux big time.. thinking bout it makes me feel sour...

well anyway the guy tt i have been dating for the pass one and a half months.. is kinda of getting to be a jerk..
i realised since the start of my blog.. its has been filled wit heart breaking moments.. none of the guys i dated turn out well.. and honestly i wan to date a gal.. i jus didn;t find the oppurtunity.. well back to the jerk.. i think i shouldn;t stay so stubborn anymore.. if he can;t be bothered then i shouldn;t be upset bout it,. i noe its going to be his lost.. i played my part.. but he didn;t play his game..
damn it.. jus fiuck off if u r not serious...

oh ya.. anyway was reading onr of my fren;s blog. and realised tt a female dance instructor tt i was crazy about jus got attached.. the feeling really sux too.. she got together wit another male instructor..
i really miss her too.. her lessons.. talking to her although its always a very short moment... and the way she says good bye to me every time i leave the studio..
tt smile and energy she has got, i will always remember.. thinking bout her noe.. makes me feel kinda of confiuse..
i noe i am bi.. and after all these years.. i can still confirm tt i like gals.. as well as guys,.
wat i don understand is i jus react really differently to the 2 different sexes..
i get totally shy and awkard wit a gal.. and i get really open and bitchy wit a guy usully..
so its really weird.. its like a split personality..
i almost slap myself jus now when i read tt she got attched.. i really regret not asking her out.. all i dod was bought her choc and wrote her a note.. which i did for all the other instructors too.. so nothing special,..
i jus hate myself for not giving tt extra effort..
but anyway.. i jus hope she's happy.. cause i luv seeing her smile....

i am tired le.. and kinda of upset.. a bit lost now.. nothing much to look forward to except ORD and flying off to AUS to study.. its a form of escape to me.. its actually starting anew too.. i wan to move on to be a better person.. i jus hope for the best..

last but not least, my mum's boss recently jus passed away due to an accident.. its really upsetting.. according to my mum.. i resemble him.. cause we are both scorpios and he is really stubborn..he is really successfull in my point of view.. but it all happen too suddenly.. i was pretty shock too.. hmm.. life is never fair.. i hope for the best for his family.. i hope he rest in peace too.. maybe i should tell meself to not be so stubborn anymore.. i will try..

sometimes giving up on something is not a failure.. but its actually telling urslef to move on.. don be stubborn when u r believeing in the wrong things.. cause u wouldn;t noe how much time and effort u have wastd till u give it up..
sometimes its jus not worth it..

byez all.. got to wake up early tomolo.. haveing a bet wit my fren.. the one who is late got to buy lunch.. haha.. so i don wan to lose.. NITEZ!!


160607 SAT 0104 hrs..

Lets Luv Like There's No Tomorrow..

Ok.. Must say i am not in a very good mood again..tts why blogging lor...

Totally stressed up by work.. Especially pass few days..
Have to wake up earl in the morning to go teach.. then have to go for opera rehearsal at nite..
OMG!! i swear i was totally worn out during the 3rd day...
I am seriously not young anymore.. SAD!

OK. anyway last nite..l after a super hard day at worlk.. quarrel wit him again..
over lots of things tt seems small and unimportant.. but to me of course its important la..
hmmm.. we really have different opinions when it comes to relationship.
But i can jus simply say tt i HATE ppl who can' commit and jus simply Expect u to give more then they do.. OMG!!

ok ok. anyway was listening to my old CDs.. especially my A Mei Ones.. then heard this super nice song called.. ying wei ni mei shuo..
Which means "because u did not say" literally..
They lyrics are so good.. for eg..

"If u can't give me everything.. then don give me anything"
Its actually refering to luv and she's singing to tis guy who doesn;t luv her very much.. but sitll wans to hold on to her.. Oh man.. it really relates to me damn well
haha,...

Oh.. and the chorus goes like tt..
"When its dark and i am feeling weak,. i can only c u..
When i am feeling lonely and helpless, i can only think of u.
But when its cold at nite and the wind start to howl, why do i still shiver?
Its because u didn;t tel me to luv like there;s no tomorrow.."

OMG. i jus luv the chorus.. i mean different ppl probably have different interpretations of it.. and wat i wrote above is a translation from the CHN lyrics.. so it probably has a little of my feel in it le..
But anyway i am jus addicted to tis freaking good song..

OH yeah.. wanted to say tt i finally completed my basic latin dance class at shawn and gladys..
LUV IT!!
i really think i did not bad.. but can be better la.. and my partner and i r definately one of the better ones in class..
haha
i am so going to miss ALL my dance classes when i am in AUS.. really hope i can sitll pursue this pasion on mine there..
anyway its getting late and i need to rest le..
otherwise i will die during reheasrsal tomolo.. ok then.. BYEZ!!



100607, SUN. 0133hrs.