Its all about her...

I still have my favourtite Mika song "Happy Ending" on repeat mode, cause i love it.

Especially when i am feeling all emo. like now..

Here i am sitting, in my room.. waiting for a fren..

yes, its suppose to be exciting, cause i am heading off to cairns in a few hours time.

to visit the great barrier reef and stuff..

the things that i have always wanted to do.

but then. its the long lost feeling of.. " i wan to share this wit someone",

jus as i thought i am feeling better and stronger..

i start to crumble thinking about her..

my heart sunk..

i miss her..

after so much pretending..

i guess i am jus kiddin myself...

280908, SUN, 2357hrs

Utter Disappointment in my results.

I am such a wreck.
I did so poorly in one of my mid sems, i don even noe what to do now.
I did not fail. I got a 4.
which is like a pass only.
technically speaking, its like a 62.5 out of 100.
its like the worst i have done ever in my whole uni life.

I hate myself now.
I wan the old me back.
the sunshine.
the fighter.
the competitor.
the one and only.

it has been a rough semester.
i am doing 4 courses as usual, and i have gotten some sort of assignments back for all 4 courses.
and NONE of them gave me a 7. which is a high distinction.
have i really slacked off tt much?
wat happened?
i still try hard. but i guess its not hard enough.
am i too complacent?
it is so saddening.
a 4 for this dreaded course called financial reporting.
and all 6s for the other 3 courses.
i am jus banging on my final exams, and the other projects now.
i really do hope i can pull myself back in this one month time.
and be ready for my final final exam here in UQ.

HATES MYSELF FOR NOW.



170908, WED, 2318hrs

Start of week 9. Nearing the end of the race.

Ok.. i noe i jus posted an entry, that i have typed like one month ago, cause i was re-reading it, and it says the end of week 4..
and here i am, the start of week 9..
seriously, how time flies!!!

I am so busy, i totally lost track of time..

Life was hectic, and busy..
I think i am so tired to the point, i lost the motivation to do well..
and i just lost everything i had..
like the old me..
My room is in a mess, I am in a mess.
I am tired of school, tired of work, tired of myself.
So many things happening, but nothing when it comes to love and affection..
or even companionship.
yes great frens and company at times.
but i still feel like something is lacking.
i am more then halfway through the last sem already.
i jus can't wait to go now..

hooked on this son by Mika now, called "happy ending".
it is so saddistic..

"This is the way u left me, i am not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory, no happy ending.."

seriously.. i am such a wreck now..
i am waiting for the day, when i can wake up from this nightmare..
goodbye for now.


150908, MON, 1700hrs.

Isn't everyone a little cynical in some ways?!?!

Cynical.


The word used to describe me by my ex..

"Why are u so cynical?", was the exact phrase he used..


I must agree with him..

the real me..

VERY CYNICAL..


there is something that i don like ppl to do to me..

and that is taking my mobile phone, and looking through it..


If theY ask me for it, i will still say no.

i think cause i have too much secrets in it..

well not exactly secrets..

but stuff i don wan ppl to see..

alright.

let me share a few messages that i store in my phone.. and i jus can't bring myself to delete..


this is wit the aussie that i like. the one who has been on and off.. and the one who still holds a special place in my heart.. these are some of the things that he sent me..

and reading them today.. still brings memory back to me.. loads of them..

here goes..


23/10/2007... 2113hrs...

"i made it home, and i can still taste ur sweet kiss. goodnight."

he sent me this after he drove all the way to ipswich to send me home, and then drove back to where he stays. We shared a long kiss in his car b4 i was willing to get off.. and till today. i can still remember his kiss too..


07/11/2007... 0726hrs...

"Happy Sunshine day, dear sunshine. TWO DUCKS!! mm. quack quack yummy. hug and kiss from you not-so-secret admirer."

This was sent to me, early on my birthday last year.. very special.. i had a smile on my face the whole day.. i swear.. this message showed how sweet and cute a person he was, despite having a cold exterior, and hard to get along personality.. i was 22 last year, and he said 22, reminds him of 2 ducks.. and thus.. the quack quack part.. and also, the not-so-secret-admirer part, was because we really had a connection then.. and i must mention again.. during dinner that nite, i had screaming gals on the table, cause i had a super huge delivery of flowers from him too..

and yess, the gals were terribly jealous that i got flowers.. and that is when i realise when some gals like to receive flowers.. it really feels good..


06/05/2008... 2148hrs...

"goodnight sunshine, from dark stormy grey."

ok. nothing special about this msg.. but it was wat happen b4 that.. a little too rated.. but we haven met for like months apart.. and we shared a lovely dinner, at our favourite restaurant.. and we made love at his place for the 1st time.. ok i already said its rated, so don read if u can' take it.. to continue, i mean we have made out a lot of times, but not exactly to the point of making love, but this nite, was really special.. the connection we had. maybe its because being apart made us yearn one another more.. maybe it was a pity fuck.. maybe it was jus us being horny.. but i must admit, it was one of the best i ever had, cause i only feel the high when i am making love with someone i really love.. and he was one special perosn in my life..
he gave me a lift to the train station after that nite, and he sent me this msg whne he got home..
it was emotional for me.. so much emotions, jus don noe which one to feel..


25/05/2008... 1730hrs..

"i can't sunshine, that's too late.. and i've met somebody new, so even tho it's nice to see u, i couldn't do the kissing and hugging part. hope u enjoyed the movies"

2 weeks after i met him, i went for a movie, somewhere in the central, and i thought of meeting him after tt, cause i missed him badly.. and wanted to hug and kiss him good nite.. so i msged him to ask if i can drop by after my movie.. and this was the reply i got..
heart broken.. was wat i felt...
i thought we had something special going on.. and then i convinced myself it was a pity fuck..
and then i saw his facebook profile.. a picture of him, and another person.. he was smiling.. so happily.. and i told myself that its over.. to move on..


i think that is enough messages to share.. but i do have more in my mobile.. so don steal it.. its filled wit my cynical messages...

i wan to change topic.. cause i am random..

today marks the end of week 4!! OMG.. WTF. next week is gonna be week 5, and my string of deadlines will arrive..
and yes, the 1st assignment for F&B, i scored 9 out of 10.. which was totally exciting.. not a great percentage, but it was a great start, and it totally kicked me off for the semester...
and i noe i am going to do well this sem...
i need a good GPA when i grad.. i wan to be in the dean's list..
i wan to be the smart but closeted himbo..
or should i say, the beauty wit brains. lol....

i am tired.. and i wan to wake up for my gym routine tomolo..
i am still quite motivated.. to get back into shape.. i hope the difference can be seen by the ppl around me when i return at the end of the year..
I wan the face of an angel, the body of a devil, and the brains of a genius...
hahahahahahahahaha..


THis post was like written weeks ago, but the internet at home has been real crappy..
so i can only post it now..
infact, i think i wrote it one month ago.. haha.
thank god i saved it..


150908, MON, 1650hrs