I am Happy Now. But how long does "now" last?

I am A HAPPY PERSON.
I Feel fortunate. Haven felt the same way for soooo long..
ok reason being, i am dating someone whom i kinda of enjoy.. yup..
never thought i would like it so much.. but yes i do..
Yesterday's date was pretty good.. seriously one of the better ones..
tis is how it goes..

Woke up at 11am when he called me.. plan was to meet me after lunch.. but guess he couldn't wait.. and i was happy that he wanted to come earlier to.. so i went to wash up while he find his way here..
It took him one whole hour to come all the way to tis uluated town to pick me up.. but tis is wat he did.. and as i step out of my house, he car jus stopped by and wat a perfect timing...
We didn't even have to call one another..
Drove to paddington for lunch.. 1st time there.. took us another 1 hr.. by the time we were there.. i was famished.
decided on a cafe and had lunch there.. i had salmon.. and i swear it was good. and he had celery soup. then we both had juice.. sat there and jus enjoy the lazy afternoon after lunch..
the lunch was pretty ex. bout 42 bucks in total.. he wanted to pay but i insisted on me paying. he was really a gentlemen..
after tt.. we went to hamilton to catch a show.. "black snake moan".. we had sometime b4 the sow so we jus walked alng the river and stuff.. i was really happy although i kept on yawning, cause guess i jus wanted to sleep oso. but i do feel happy..
the show was not bad.. but then again.. after tt.. i was hungry again. then we went back to his place..
no we were not naughty.. he cooked dinner for me.. seafood linguine... yes it was good.. yes i swear i totally felt touch although he said it was jus a dinner.. guess its jus different la.. i am truely touched.. and dinner was good.. i jus have to say it again,.
he was really tired after tt. and we jus sat there and talk cock.. then he said he wanted to send me home.
another pleasent surprise. and a total plus point for tt.. OMG.. how can i not be touched by tt..
it was a long drive and i felt bad. but still terribly touched and loved. i am not hard to impress. as long as it is sincere..
The day started out a little slow and boring..
but by the time we were going to seperate for the nite.. i swaer, we jus hoped the nite didn't have to end.. well gave him a little pecked on the cheek and we hugged when we were at his place.. it was all good. not sexual. but i swear it would be if i didn't control.. well done me..
oh ya. and i did something crazy tis morning..i woke up at 5 am in the morning to send him a msg then get back to zzzz.. i jus wan to show him tt i really care for him.. and i am gald he reciprocates and doesn't take my effort for granted..
BUT i am scared.. i am scared i am not the one that he will choose at the end of the day..
i am a 3rd party. i am a slut.. maybe i jus don deerve to be luv..
Thinking of it makes me depress.. i don wan to think bout it..
i jus wan to immerse myself in the feeling of love for now..
even if its for the short term..
even if its only for now..



1947hrs, 270807, MON

The rain keeps falling in Aussie. I jus can't believe it. Stuck @ home.

OK.. today. i got a new date. for the 1st time in my life. its an ang moh. ok tt sounded crude. he is an australian. scorpio once again. i am jus addicted to scorpios. or rather i am jus a narcissist. But he is kinda of interesting. not in a convention way. he is unique. have to noe him better.
Constantly reminding myself not to fall in luv again so easily. especially after the previous one.
And anyway, there are a few routines tt i have over here in aussie which have become a kind of habit.
i am not too sure if it is consdered unique but i would like to record it down. jus for future reference.

~I bath twice a day. (cause sometimes i onli bath once a day in SG)
~I brush my teeth in the shower ( i use to do it seperately, before i shower in the morning.)
~I am keeping my hair long. (i always hated long hair.)
~I have regular 3 meals, and i hardly have supper anymore (but i still feel fat.)
~I walk a lot everyday (I use to hate walking, not even 10mins of it)
~I drink a freaking lot of water everyday (and tis make me feel like peeing every other hour)
~I oso feel like shitting more over here. ( the toilet rolls are always running low because of me)
~I am a lot more patient now (well its for the time being, but i hope it stays.)
~I don miss home tt much ( actually i kinda of like it here so far.)
~I log on to friendster and some of my fren's blog EVERYDAY whenever i have the time.

ok i don noe wat else. its us getting lamer. so i better stop.. anyway i did an even lamer thing. some relationship survey someone posted on friendster. and i actually did it and reposted it. so tis is wat it looks like:

1) Single, Taken, Naked, or Flirty??+ Everything but "Naked"
2) Are you happy with that?+ Why should I?
4) Have you ever had your heart broken?+ So much i kinda of got use to it.
5) Do you believe that there arecertain circumstances where cheatingis ok?+ When the other party cheats on me.
7) Have you ever talked about marriagewith another person?+ To scare the person off.8) Do you want children?+ Of Course!
9) How Many?+ 4
10) Would you consider adoption?+ Definately. I believe every child intis world deserves a family and thechance of getting luv from a parent.
11) If someone liked you right now,would you want them to tell you?+ Yes. Right in my Face.
12) Do you want someone you can't have?+ Yes. More often then not, its alwaysthe case. But i see it as a challenge.
13) Have you fallen in love?+ Seriously, is tis question necessary?
14) Do you believe in celebratinganniversaries?+ Yes. But i believe we shouldcelebrate and party every day we havealive too.
15) Do you believe that you can changefor someone?+ Compromise to a certain extend, tochange completely is impossible. Andwats the point of changing then?
16.) Is it a good day?+ It was a good day so far. One of thehappiest since i am here in brisbane.
17) Have you ever broken a heartbefore?+ I hope not. But i guess the answerMAY be Yes. I have no idea whether theheart was broken cause i simply can'tsee the heart.
18) Does your ex still have feelingsfor you?+ U should ask my Ex tis, not me.Seriously, How would i know?

Ok .. tts how lame it is. but anyway i wondered why some onf the questions like 3 and 6 is missing. i have no idea. and i did it cause partly, i was looking for some more attention on friendster.. haha..
and i oso would like to stress on the adoption part.
tis is serious. i didn;t really like the idea of adoption in the past. but after reading some stuff. i don noe from where. i kinda of changed my mind.
Yup. i am not too sure wats the trigger, but i jus got a feeling its oprah again. haha..
well today's post is really long. so i think i should end soon. i got a whole lot of stuff to do actually..
BACK TO WORK... or should i go to zzzz.. haha...


1032hrs 210807 TUE
(internet was down when i tried to post it. therefore i can only post these 2 days later on THU. )

The war between my EGO & BRAIN!!

Ok i am going to seriously bitch again!
Last nite was the 3rd date wit the person tt i have been going out wit in aussie.
well he came to my place after the 2nd date but we didn;t really do anything. which i kinda of regret now. cause i thought tt i have should havedone it. DAMN IT!
but anyway, i made it clear to him how i felt and if he is still interested in seeing me then he shal call me.
not me calling again.
and i guess tt oso means the end of our dating relatioship cause i seriously doubt he will ever call again.
hmmm. too much difference in wat we wan i guess. yup he is the guy tt i wan, but guess i am not the guy tt he is looking for.
i was pretty devastated last nite. but then a talk wit 2 of my good frens made me realise something.

Ok. after all those talking and conforting.
its the usual, "I DESERVE SOMEONE BETTER!!!"
Yes i noe!
so the question is then, why am i so upset over him?
when i noe tt i can get someone better?
Ok.. some may say cause i am lonely in a faraway land.
so i need more luv and stuff and i get more emo!
yup true to a certain extent but here is the ultimate reason which i realised last nite..

Its my EGO!!
yes the devil in me!
its the fact tt "I CAN"T HAVE SOMETHING I WAN" tt hurts me!
not tt fact tt i like him a lot..
yes he doesn;t like me tt much, so tts an ego bruise for me.
yes i can;t have wat i wan, so tts another ego bruise.

and yes, i think he noes how i feel.
tts why he is playing mind games wit me.
damn it. tts the bad side of dating scorpios.
too much mind games involve!
so now i am trying extremely hard to not let my EGO take over my BRAIN!
THE MIND WARS have started.
if he doesn;t call anymore, then fuck off! I DON BLOODY CARE!

I will be happy dating someone new. damn it.,
Off to the next target.....
U GO GAL!
U R STILL FABULOUS!
I LUV MYSELF!! WAHAHA!!


1451hrs 180807 SAT.

WAKE ME UP IN TIME PLS>

I am dating someone.
I noe its wrong.
i kinda of regretted it cause noe i feel hurt.
i don noe why..
cause maybe once again i expected too much.
I feel tt its going to go no where again.
and i will still be badly hurt..
i don noe why.
i always remind myelf to not tortre myself again.
but still i put myself in the worse possible situation again.
no one truely understands how i feel.
yes i am happy dating.
but yet i am hurting inside.
don ask me why.
its jus too complicated.
I must force myself to concentrate on my studies.
i am lagging behind.
its not good cause i still want my straight distinctions.
Someone pls slap some sense into me.
i can't stop thinking bout him.
i am once again addicted to tis fatal attraction.
I don understnad why ppl don appreciate true luv.
they don noe how hard it is to come by.
i must say i hate it when ppl take things for granted.
my back still hurts.
but i am still going for my dance class.
if i can't dance then i will jus sit and watch.
maybe i should jus escape from my daily routine.
i need to look at things from a different prospective.
i need to wake up.
i needto noe wat i am doin.
but in the end of the day i jus need someone.
and once again, the vicious cycle starts when i thought i have found tt someone.
Its time for lunch.
Wake up dude.
u r not young anymore.
don be so naive.
luv urself pls.
i need to constantly remind myself.



1230hrs 140807 TUE

my back hurts..

i jus came back from school..
wanted to cach the NDP there on the big projector.. BUT IT DOESN'T WORK!!
i was pissed..
but i did a whole lot of cam-whoring wit my housemates.. and we tried the JUMP shots again..
its where one has to jump and take a photo at the same time. i like it actually.. haha.. it was fun..
BUT i think i sprain my back.. damn it.. I AM GETTING REAL OLD!!
cause i didn't warm up b4 tt i guess.. and it is hurting now when i am typing tis..
well and i am so addicted to the blog tt i stumbled upon.. and i am recommending to all my frens to read.. haha.. its..
spankthemalenurse.blogspot.com...
its really damn good. so go check it out when u guys have the chance pls...
tts al for now.. xianz...



100807 FRI 0030hrs

HAPY BURFDAE SINGAPORE!!

Well.. i had some time in between lessons..
i noe i should be reading my journal articles for my gaming essay.. but i am really not in the mood..
cause there is tutorial for Financial management later..
well of course.. the main reason is to wish my beloved country a hapy burfdae..
nope i am not the most patriotic when it comes to serving the nation.. but i do luv singapore ok..
as in the country.. not the government in exact..
and as u can c.. i can't really elaborate on tt otherwise i wouldn't be allowed to step foot into the country again.. its scary..
cause they totally got me confuse on the point of "democratic".

Anyway i was reading someone wlse's blog yesterday..
some gay guy whom i don noe..
i swear it was damn good.. cause there were parts tt make u laugh.. and there are parts that turn u on.. as in some steamy encounters wit other guys.. warn u its explicit..
but nevertheless wat i like about tis blog is tt its so truthful.. and he is jus being who he is..
i am so totally attacted to him.. or rather his blog now.. well he's a libra.. and i swear he is a smart guy.. if i am not wrong he was from RI and the language abilities of his is pretty good.. definately better then mine..
and he is a NURSE!! yes.. tts how intersting he is.. a nurse. yhaha.. who stress tt he loves sex..
haha..

actually after reading his blog, i kinda of start to think..
should i jus tell ppl bout tis humble blog of mine..
i mean.. isn;'t it better for ppl to noe who u really are?
but guess not for the typical scorpios at times.. we jus don like the fact tt ppl can see through us..
well maybe tis blog really doesn't say much about me.. but it does should the scary side of me at times.. so i am struggling to whether a not i should jus tell ppl bout it..
and morever, i am overseas now, so guess some peeps may jus wan to noe how i am doing.. and instead of repeating my answers again and again, i can jus refer them to my blog! yeah..
and yes another headache..

FRIENDSTER STILL DOESN:T ALLOW ME TO UPLOAD PHOTOS>>>
i hate it. tts why if maybe i should jus upload photos i took here in aussie on to my blog..
serious consideration...


090807, THU, 1135hrs

The internet here SUX! I swear its worse then some ulu province in China..

friendster is getting on my nerves.. cause i can't upload photos!
i haven hit the quota yet.. it keeps on showing error.. i don noe why.. so i can onli upload like 1 out of 10 photos.. dame it..
I hate the internet at home.. it was down the whole bloody weekend last week can!!!
anyway last week, went to indooroopily on Fri... 1st time there shopping.. it was not bad. haha..
I bought a new pair of Havainas!! yeah.. i am quite happy.. its 26 aussie... but i think its quite worth it.. cause it s cheaper then SG and its not a plain one. its one wit prints.. yeah!!
and i bought it cause i haven seen anyone wearing it yet so far.. haha.. so tts important..
then Sat, i went to darra Early in the morning wit my housemates to go shopping!
but it was totally unglam tis time round..
we wanted to go to the fish market somewhere else, BUT the train jus stopped halfway at darra and we had to take a bus to the next station.. and we had to wait so terribly long!!
so we decided to jus shop around darra and guess we were lucky!
there were so many stuff there.. and its was much cheaper then china town and woolworths...
so once again we bought like ALOT of stuff back.. and personally i bought myself a bottle of Pandan Soy Milk.. i didn't noe how it was going to taste but it wasn't tt bad la.. and mind u,
bottles here are usually in 2 litres.. like my fresh milk and stuff.. so no matter how bad it is, i have to finish it.. haha..
then for the 1st time, i would say, i force myself to shop wit my housemates for all kinds of stuff.. like fishes and squids and vegetables.. trust me, the smell is not for the faint hearted.. cause moi, seldom go to the market.. so seriously, i think its no mean feat for me.. haha..
but tt nite was rewarding, we had steamboat!!
so happy.. its not tt it was really a good wide sumptious spread.. it was really decent and we had 2 kinds of soup. seriously,tis is like heaven here. cause i seriously don noe where we can find steamboat hwere.. and even if we do, i am sure its gonna cost a bomb..
so tt nite was terribly sinful..
Then Sun, we continued our own entertainment cause the bloody internet was still down..
We went to the KTV!!! yeah.. i was really happy.. i mean i don think we will get to do tis very often cause, 1st school is going to get busy, then 2nd, its really not cheap. it was 28 aussie including dinner for 4 hours..
and 4 hours is really not enough for the KTV enthusiast...
haha.., but it was still pretty good.. jus tt the journey back home is always terible.. its so long. and we had to walk cause there is no bus.. so by the time we reach home, it was past midnight already! and to be out tis late in australia is a WOW thing ok!
and the nites were freezing cold!
it got better cause winter is ending soon, but guess b4 winter officially ends, it still wans to freeze us!! its really cold..
and so last weekend was really a happening week, but i didn;t study at all and i felt really bad.. so much catching up to do, but the cold jus makes u feel like sleeping in bed ALL THE TIME!
Now i have so much reading to do especially for biz law.. and finance management is geting harder.. and i must SUE!! my biz law tutor sux BIG TIME!! help!!!!!!!!
then i have essay due in like 3 weeks time. my 1st essay, so i better word on it hard.. but b4 tt i must read through all the journals and it sux!! there is jus so much reading to do.. haiz.. i will try though.. haven been reading so much in my life can..
and i jus applied for work permit.. i jus hope finding a job here wouldn;t be too hard..
certainly hope they are not tt racist..
hmmm.. tts bout it for now.. guess.. its going to be more studying for me tis week..
i better work on it..
got loads of laundry to do tomolo... Xianz...................................................

070809 TUE 2047hrs