Wats wrong wit religions these days?!?!

shall update about my life..
cause i have not been able to blog, due to various reasons.

good news 1st,
i am gonna take on a full time job wit Ministry of Food, as an assistant service manager(which equates to a lot of Sai Kang).
but anyway, i think its time to immerse myself in a real full time job, and hopefully have a better focus in life, given tt i am a workaholic.

well, i realised tt was the only good news i have.
some random updates.

i was dating tis guy a couple of times.
he is actually my cousin's good fren, and i met him at my grandma's wake.
things we going on quite well, he is not exactly eye candy, but he is a nice sweet guy.
a pisces, who i believe can satisfy me emotionally.
but then, we were chatting on MSN today, and we stumbled on the topic of being "top" and "bottom".
well, basically i am like a pure top, cause i have never been fucked, and i don intend on getting fucked too.
and yes, he is one too.
so when we both reached this topic, he got really emo.
and his MSN nick went from like.. i thought i found it, but its all a dream.
so i felt really bad too.
and i noe how pisces can get really emo about such stuff.
after much effort in consolling him, i don think it worked, and things are pretty sour between us now.
i really do hope we can still be frens, cause we can really get along well. haiz..
but thats life eh, we don always get wat we wan.

ok . change topic again.
random me..

during the process of my grandma's passing, i realised a lot, and i felt a lot of emotions.

for example, the extreme pain of watching her take her last breath, and screaming her name out loud.
the feeling of crying so hard when she was cremated, i couldn't even see anything, cause the tears jus blurred my vision.
the excitement when i finally dreamt of her again, after the 9th day.
the hate i have for religion. this i have to elaborate.

imagine how my christians aunty and uncle refuse to let my cousins hold a joss stick and not let them fold the "gold paper".
but, when we were gambling (Mahjong and poker), they were all excited, and were joining in the fun!! is this how holy u are?!?!
thats not the worse, cause they drink a lot too! like alcohol. and not jus wine. they drink like beer and all sorts of shit.
HALO!! so much for trying to act and be holy can.
how can one educate their children this way.
cause if i am thier child, i will ask super a lot of questions, and i will hate them.

and also, i have a cousin who was not at the hospital when my grandma passed cause she was at a camp, then whn my grandma was cremated on MON, she refused to come, cause she said it was her 1st day of JC, and she don wan to miss school. probably afriad that she will be "outcast" when she goes back the next day..
seriolsy, and my uncle if fine wit that (tis is another uncle btw).
i really was speechless.

oh and its not jus the christians i was upset wit.
imagine a buddhist monk, who was chanting for my grandma during the wake was also a mean soul..
cause after the cremation, we laid her ashes in a temple and the monk at the temple prayed for her to.
the whole family did feel that the monk at the temple prayed in a more sincere way, and thus decided to engage him to pray for the rest of the next few days, and during necessary days.
the original monk, was then told that we don need his service anymore, and let me tell u. he was really pissed.
he even kinda of cursed my grandmother, which really was upsetting and mean..
and then, he even asked if its because the other monk charged a cheaper fee, and we jus said yes. it was the truth, but more importantly, tt was not the reason we decided to switch.
imagine the disgust when he offered to give a discount, hoping to still do our business.
like WTF la!!
i really was damn disgusted..
wit both religions.
and i am happy tt i am a free thinker.

i do believe in god.
who exist in various forms. for the better of mankind.
but these crappy followers of him.
should really be punished..

oh well thats all for now..



0214hrs, 220209, SUN
wat kind of values are they inputting!! WTF LA!!

AH MA, You took a part of me when you left, I Love You.

My grandma passed away today.

exactly 7 months, and 1 day after my dad did..

Withing the time frama of a year, i lost 2 of my closest family members.

I wonder how i can cope with this.

the feeling of numbness.

the feeling of heart wrench.

the pain of not being able to think properly.

the need to be comforted.

the brave front that has to be put up.

the life that has to be carried on.

As i type along, i realised, i have so much to say, but i don noe how to do it.

Maybe jus a few things tt is in my head now.

I remember how i use to ask for money from Ah ma, to buy all sorts of cards when i was young, and she never said no.

I remember how she always bring me around, afraid of me travelling alone.

That includes to my music class, my IT classes, My abacus classes, my auntie's place, etc....

and then during my class, she always sits outside, and jus wait for me, till my lesson ends, then she will bring me home.

Ah Ma is the Most patient person i ever knew.. the MOST Patient person ever in my life.

I remember how Ah Ma got so angry at me once, and she slapped me. cause i fought wit my cousin, and i scolded vulgaraties at my cousin. that was the only time AH Ma was angry at me.

But i noe she is very sad when she hit me.

I remember how i was always so scared to go to the toilet at nite, and i will always call her to wait for me outside the toilet when i was young.

I remember her porridge that she will always cook, every SUN morning.

I remember how she will ALWAYS ask me if i wan Milo in the morning when i wake up, then she will make it for me.

I remember how she will ALWAYS ask if i have clothes to be iron, when she noes i am going out.

I remember how she will ALWAYS ask me wat time i wan to wake up the next day, and she will endlessly try to wake me up, despite how cranky i get when i am awoken in the morning, and i will get angry at her. shame on me.

I remember how she will always try to end my call from Australia ASAP whenever i call, despite the fact that i noe she misses me like crazy. reason being, she doesn't wan me to waste money on overseas call, as she thinks its very expensive. but, talking to her, was priceless.

As i stay home, i can't help but tear when i enter her room, look at her clothes, and also the photos she had.
Its gonna take me a real long time.
To be the me, i use to be.
Enough of unfortunate events for me.
Pls, stop torturing me.





0018hrs, 130209, FRI