Watching my Faith Slip away. Disappointed in myself.

I am Lost.. Again. Mixed Emotions..
the feeling i get when i grow up.. like an expoerince.. hmmm how should i put it.
have u ever had the feeling, u kinda of lost urself.. and u start to questino urself again..
and u seem to be jus yet another different..
i have been expeinceing this since young, and i have changed a lot along the years..
but i am getting it again..
this damn feeling..
i hate it, cause more often then not, i doubt myself..

well.. lets start wit today..
work today was bad..
i am not training in the kitchen..
and lets say, my damn interest is jus not in it..
can i survive it, i think i can, but i hate myself, cause i know i can hardly do a good job..
my strength lies in talking and communicationg wit customers..
and workingi n the kitchen, which is more of a back of the house job, sometimes, jus makes me feel crappy..
more often then not, i jus feel like serving the food i cooked, to show the customers, I am the One who Cooked it!! and it took so much work..
well, but its often not the case.
and the kitchen, is jus hell at times.. have never been a good experince for me, since my poly days..

wat else.. well well..
i had this HUGH project for one of my courses, called Hospitality Technology Applications.
Assignment for this course, comes wit a HUGH proposal and a presentation..
and guess wat, my group and i top the course wit our assignments, that we spend way too uch effort and time in.. and i am not talking about 10 groups..
its more then 30 groups, so lets jus say its no mean feat, although, i must admit its less competitive in AUS..
why does doing well mean so much, cause the top3 groups get to present their proposal to the GM of the Holiday Inn Hotel in Brisbane, and moreover, plenty of industry managers and leaders will also be present at this event, where if my group win, lets jus say the recognition is hugh, and we might even get our pictures up on papers..
But guess wat.. 9 days to the final presentation at holiday inn, and i lost it.. the drive to win..
and so did my group mates.. it was weird.. we have worked so bloody hard for the past 2 months, and suddenly, the drive is gone, i think we have overworked..
knowing that we are leading the pack now, jus seem to give us more pressure,, and its a negative strength.. i don noe why..
giving up is not a choice, and i noe i wouldn't give up.
but the thought of the possibility of losing this competition is so strong, it breaks me down..
i dare not even think about it..
its like i jus can't step out of it, no matter how tired, stress and pressured i feel..
well.. i guess i jus have to cross my fingers then.. and push on..

have went to the gym 3 times this week.. which is a terriubly good thing. cause at least i did something tt i promised myself..
i am hoping i can press on, and giving myself till the end of the year, to get the Shit hot body i desperately want.. 6 months, and i better see results, or i will be so disappointed..

anyway life has been crappy..
watched the movie funny movie, some las vegas title which i can't remember which starts ashton kutcher and cameron diaz.. funny and nice movie, my kind of show..
an this sentence made me think..
" i rather be happy doing nothing, then doing something i am unhappy with."
makes a lot of sense, but i jus can't comprehand it some way..
cause i noe i wouldn't be happy doing nothing.. and i wouldn't be happy doing the things i don like too..
so watever it is, i think i am jus hard to please, and i wouldn't be happy.

Results has been relatively pleasing this semester, expect for one..
but well, i wonder if it still matters to me..
and then, last nite when i went to watch another movie "21".
the main character tries so hard to get into harvard med school, only to face financial problems..
and seeing his will to be in the school , and being terribly talented, makes me think of myself a lot..
i am not saying i am talented in everything, but i noe where my strength lies in..
And i wan to do things wit it.. meaningful things.. but i don seem to be doing anything meaningful now..
getting a degree is important, then i slowly lose faith in it, cause i jus don think this degree has developed me much in anyways..
Do i still wan to carry on wit further education, YES..
Do i think i can Make it, I Don Noe..
i am jus getting tied and confused..
seeing things now, affects me big time..
my perceptions are jus so blured..

Tired, is the word to descrivbe wat i am feeling nmow maybe, and i don noe how long it takes to let me recover my strength..
and i noe time is running out, if i don puysh myself in this ast leg of the race..
i will lose the competition and i will flung my exams..
and i will regret it..
but i need someone to help me..
someone, or something.. i don noe..
Losing faith in myself is the worse feeling in the world..


230508, FRI, 2218hrs

If only life can be as joyful as dancing..

i am desperate for time..
i have so much to do..
ok i have an accounting quiz to settle..
and then i have a 2 thousand word report due in 5 days, which i haven started YET!!
and then i have a MAJOR presentation in 6 days..
then another presentation in like 11 days..
but after tt, there will be some rest time b4 i conquer the exam papers.
haiz. but still, k am so drained..

anyway work at the cafe as moved on to the next level, cause i am not transfered to the kitchen, most of the time..
whcih is damn stress.. cause its like a full kitchen..
wit the deep fryer, the grill, the salamander, the toaster, the MANY fridge and freezers and watever so not.. bascially its jus damn HOT inside.. and i can feel my contact lenses melting at times..
and yes, i always burn myself.. its so irritating, and it jus sux..
well, but i wan to learn new stuff too..
but i am jus so stress now from work, i don even noe i can remember wat was taught at work..
watever it is, i noe i can learn it.. i jus need to focus.. which i can't now..

anyway to make things worse..
my housemates, all of them, jus succesfully piss me off BIG TIME!!
on WED, 3 days ago, they went to get supper and mac and came home at 3.40AM in the morning, and ate at the dining table. which was fine, except they were tlakin so bloody loudly!!
USE UR FUCKING ASS TO THINK!! THERE ARE PPL SLEEPING!! ASSHOLES!!
then last nite, i was so drained of energy from work, and school stuff, i wanted to sleep early, only to be woken up at 2AM again, cause they were playing some sort of catching in the livinig room!! SCREMING!! AT 2 AM!!!! OMG OMG OMG>.
i noe WAT THE FUCK RIGHT!!
its dan childish, and inconsiderate..
so i open my door and said.. "ppl i really need to sleep" then someone giggled cause i probably look like ghost when i woke up!! then i got pissed and i said "its not funny!" and i slammed my door closed.. and the next thing.. every one jus disappeaered into their own rooms..
i wonder if they are pissed wit me too, or are they jus scared now..
i have no idea.. and i don quite fucking care anyway..
why i am living wit a bunch of kids.. they are so hopeless!!

watever it is.. i need to go back to doing work now. cause i need to badly!!
jus wish me luck..
the bad luck thingy has kinda of gone.. but i am still praying hard everything will be fine and turn out smooth..
ok then..

i was quite sick on dancing at one point in time, but i decided to still go for class on WED, cause i am seirously getting tooo fat..
so i had to exercise.. and it was so rewarding.. cause i luv the song and cheoreo!! and i manage to get it.. OMG. cause the instructors style is so different from mine, and i always have problem getting her grove, but at least tis time, i manage to kidna of get it.. so quite proud of myself.
and i noe i hardly post any pictures of stuff about me..
but i guess i should change a little now..
i don noe why, but i think i should open up a little more..
but being a scorpio, i am jus sooo defensive..
well watever. hope u guys enjoy the video..

THat should be all for now, as i wash up my dishes from dinner, and attept my aacounting quiz for the 7th time!! OMG.. its so tough..

100508, SAT, 2231hrs.

Worst Week of the Year so far...

Let me tell u wat is worse then a shit day..
its a damn fucking SHIT day!!

2 days ago, i blogged about my shit day.. so tis is like the aftermath.,.

1.) i brought my laptop for repair yesterday, and today, upon collection,the fee is 154 bucks!!
imagine my shock! that is a lot of money. in aussie dollars ok!!! even though my laptop is under warranty, the place where i got it repaired is not under ACER!!.. I MEAN WTF!! haiz. but since i was desperate, i jus paid, and they manage to solve the problem anyway..

2.) today, there was a site visit, plus guest lecture at holiday inn hotell..
i woke up early, got ready and left home in TIME..
then the bus came late!.. nvm.. tt was not the worse.. then the train left early when i got to the station!! OMG.. seriously.. tell me how unlucky can one get!!
and since i don wan to be late, and i can't afford to be late, i took a cab from ipswich to roma.. and its cost me fucking 80 bucks!! yes.. the fuckingn long journey cost me 80 aussie! which is like 100 sing dollars can!!!

3.) then when i went to collect my laptop, while walking along the pathway, trying to get to work ASAP, cause i am almost late, i adjusted my shades, and its jus fell apart!! the lens jus came out, cause there was a crack on it!!! OMG OMG OMG!! pls let all these unlucky and damn XIAN stuff to be over soon..

2 days ago, it was the worse day of tis year.. and now, appprently, i think i am going thorught the worse week for tis year!! to top it off, remember the guy whom i dated and is not interested in me.. hmmm.. chatting on MSN pisses me off big time now..
i jus simply hate one word answer, if u are busy, or uninterested in chatting then jus say la!!
its not like i must chat wit u..
wah lao.. these ppl make me feel like shit. i swear.

anyway i have kinda of made up my mid to start gyming..
since dancing here is getting crappy, and i am super not motivated, to stay in shape over winter is like damn bloody hard..
so i ma going to sign up for gym memberhsip and pump it..
despite my hate for the gym..
i realised dancing itself is nmot giving me the body i wan..
yes i have lost weight..
but the packs are still not out yet..
so i promise myself, to be in SHAPE by the end of the year..
and i think i have a housemate to motivate me here..
he is very fit, and he goes to the gym regularly, and he is pretty happy to be gym buddies to motivate me..
haha..
but i can onli do this when everything is over..
too much school work now to catch up. haiz..
i hope i don disappoint them. and myselfs..
i will work hard to get the results i wan..
cause i noe i can make it..
praying hard, the unlucky stuff can jus stop now..
i need to move on. so don stop me..


010508, THU, 2305hrs