New post in 2011

Hi...

I haven't blogged for the entire year of 2010 after the last post.. which was all happy and joyful..

matter of fact.. nope 2010 didn't turn out well..

Sayang is no more sayang.. meaning we are no more together.. when i read wat i wrote previously, i realised how much i did love him, and up till today, i am still not quite over the whole thing. as much as i try to move on, i don think i have fully done so..

But anyway i am seeing new ppl, and i am dating new ppl..
problem is, i am not changing my bad habits, being too clingy.. being too cynical.. being too critical..

i don even noe why i bother to love sometimes.. cause i jus keep hurting myself..
sometimes its not even my partner or date. but me who is causing myself pain.. i hate myself.

work is alright, pretty much "overworked, underpaid" will sum up my feeling about work now.
but i don think i hate my work..
a lot of learning oppurtunities.. and i am grateful..

in 2010, as i said it was a bad year.. things ended.. many things, not jus a relatinoship.. some frenship.. some thing about myself.. i am jus jaded.. totally.. and i think i manage to pull myself to an all time low, with close to no dignity..

Just recently, like maybe a few days ago.. and especially last nite.
i did something soooooooo stupid..
i don noe why..
i manage to jus sit at one corner and cry.. i have never felt so depress in such a long time.. i had the urge to give everything up..

i had a good offer to maybe leave the country and work overseas, but i don think i can do it now because of some stupid mistakes that i made.. so stupid, i think i can kill myself for it..
i disappointed myself and many others around me..
i don even noe why i became so self-destructive..

and yes, the weight thing.. i think i got it a little under control, and lost a little bit of weight, with a shit load of effort..
but i definately am not feelign good about how i look now.. i jus wish i could do better.. but seriuosly.. where is the god damn motivation??

Anyway, i think i jus need a chanel to vent all my frustration and depression out.. jus like i did when i was in AUS..
maybe this will help me feel better.
i hope it will.. haiz..

Life sux...

23.01.11 / 1928hrs

Welcome 2010 :)

HI Hi to my blog once again.
it has been ages.. maybe 3 to 4 months??

Well, nothing bad actually.. thank god.
infact, i was jus reading through the other blogs that my frens have, and it got me thinking.
everyone is jus blogging about the same thing.
the NEW YEAR!!
or rather, reminicing 2009. while looking forward to 2010.
and my mind jus started rumbling too...

2009 has been a year of UPS and DOWNS!!
pretty extreme as compared to 2008.

Looking back at 2008, i was a full time Uni student, with an awesome part timejob.
travelled to various parts of australia, and even auckland, NZ.
Officially finish Uni, and seriuosly, it was all good, except for the fact tt my dad passed away.

Now now.. 2009..
The year started off rough.
with many failed attempts at securing a decent job.
and when i finally did, my dearest grandma, passed away.
an event which still shook me till today.
after that, it was 8 to 9months of rough time, at my work place.
loads of complaints, and i hated my work.
then in July, i when hunting for new job again, and thank god, as the year goes by, life improved.
Mummy and i moved into our new place, and i got a new job, which started in DEC 2009!
so far so good.. a job in a hotel, starting off as an assistant concierge.

And i think travelling is something that majority of the human kind will love, and the poor me, actually still got to travel this year!
i don believe it.
first is an all expense paid trip to cologne, GERMANY!! my 1st time to Europe!
WOW WOW WOW!! heehee...
that was in JUN
then in SEP, i took another trip to SYDNEY!!
to meet my Sayang, and lets just say the trip was really worth it :)

As the year comes to an end, my birthday marks how beautiful my life is with great frens, and a love one who is with me, not physically,but emotionally.

At the end of NOV, when my sayang finally came back, i guess we took about a month's time to adjust to one another.

At some point in time, it seems that i have loved him less, as compared to the past.
but then, he complaint that i was too clingy, and thus, i jus took a step back, and took thinks easy.
now, it seems that he has become to clingy one, as i suppose he is scared of losing me, after i mentinoed casually that sometimes, i am jus too tired off all these.

Well, it wasn't to threaten him, but jus a heart felt comment which i blurted out.

Sayang has also started his full time job 4 days ago, and we r both now working shift work.

In 2010, i am not going to set resolutions. or shall i say, i jus wan to call them my dream :)

i wan to further work on this relatinoship with sayang, and if things go well, i want things to get seriuos for the both of us too.
I wan to work on the many friendships i have, and form a strong network of friendship, to benefit from one another by sharing our knowledge and resources.
I wan to be nicer, kinder and more fillial to Mummy.
I wan to save up more, and not spend unwisely.
I wan to loose weight, cause in 2009, i have put on 10 FUCKING KILOS!!!

Ultimately, i jus want to be happy.
Being positive i suppose is the key to that.
As one of the mottos of my workplace goes,

Love All, Serve All.



050110, TUE, 0456hrs

Back, not for good.

I haven't blogged for ages, realised the lat time was the end of May.
about me going to cologne, germany the other time.

Tonite, i am back on this blog, because of how i feel again.
Emo.
I hate this feeling.
Life has beenr eally busy for me, and i think it is a good and bad thing.

Also in a crazy twirl of fate, i got myself attached, for almost 2 months now.
itss a long distance relationship, that i have devoted myself into a hundred and one percent.
i don noe why, but meeting him, jus feels like everything is alright.
the warm fuzzy feeling inside.
The chemistry, the sparks and the kiss.. unforgettable.
With him, there are good and bad.

The good is of course the love that i feel.
the fact that i noe there is someone there for me.
The bad is of course the physical absence.
and i do feel lousy at times, when i realised how wonderful a person he is.

in 5 days time, i will be onboard a plane again
off to sydney this time to meet my love
mixed feelings, mixed emotions.
there are so much to do,
and so much to think about.
and i don even remember i made this decision to travel miles to meet him for 10days.
I choose to beleive it will be all worth it.

Time flies.
i am 7motnhs into my job, and so much have changed,
from where i started to where i am now.
good and bad too.

Life is filled wit good and bad for me.
work, family, frens and love.

there are the positives and the negatives in every aspect of my lifes now, and like usual, the battle between them is tearing me apart.. inside..
every nite, i tire myself out b4 putting my head on my pillow, so that i can sleep wit ease.
almost everynite, we will be on the phone, with him kissing me to sleep.
tonite, we didn't chat till i fall asleep, and damn, my emotions got the better of me.

haiz, this feeling i have now, is soooo sucky..
i can't control it.
i laugh, i cry and anger at the slightest happenings in me.
thats how i feel.
i feel so vunerable emotionally now.
and i hate this feeling so much.
i hate loosing control of my feelings.

I hope venting all these out will make me better and stronger.
i need to reflect, and control.
i need to wake up.
i need to find myself back.


200909, SUN, 0316hrs

Waiting to go onboard my first 12 hour flight.

As i type this, i am actually in the departure hall of Changi Airport, Terminal 2.
Nothing can explain my excitement now.

Though its a disgusting 12 hours flight, the longest i will be taking so far in my life.
All i can think about now is the moment of landing and stepping food in Germany,

Prior to this, i have done no reserach on the place, and have made no effort in trying to learn some basic German.

All i have is some information and directions from my friend.
Upon Landing in Frankfurt, i will still have to take a train for bout an hour b4 i can reach cologne.
and after that, i will need to take a cab to his place.

It sounds easy if you are in SG, but over there, i really don't know what to expect.

I jus hope everything could just go on smoothly without any hiccups.

In bout 12 hours time, i will be stepping foot in Europe for the 1st time.

My 1st EUrope trip, and i can see many more to come in the near future.

I feel like a small boi, in a candy store once again :)


290509, FRI, 2156hrs

Don't judge me for who I am.

I am Undeniably excited.

BUt i am not too sure wat to expect too.

I am excited to be meeting him, but the place, i will be a total stranger.
and it doesn't help when i don speak a single line of German.

As i chat wit him online for the last time today. i said to him.

"I have no plans for the trip.
I am really taking a break, so i am not using my brain.
I just wanna have fun and relax.
I will leave it up to you and my intuition."

Nevertheless, he is still one of the nicest guy i have met.
And his reply was nonetheless very sweet and touching.

Oh well, not many know about this trip.
but for those who knows, some think that i am degrading myself, but honestly, i don;'t feel tt way, cause i am causing no harm to anyone, and i enjoy doing it.
In life, how often do we get these oppurtunities in the 1st place?

Its my 1st trip to Europe and i am alrady coming 24 this year.
Yes, i am a lot luckier than most kids, cause i have already got to travel to alot of places.

But if u really know me well, I am one who thrives on new excitement, new knowledge, new beginnings, and most importantly, new experiences.

Embarking on this journey, i felt like i have changed a lot.
And i look forward to what this trip will bring to me.

Its more than a booty call.
and don't juge me for who i am, cause even if you do, i don't fucking care.



290509, FRI, 0305hrs

OFF DAY?!?!

I am usually entitled to an off day, once a week. Usually on the THU.
And on this particular THU, this week. this was how my day went.

Waking up at 10am, breakfast with mum at Macdonalds.
THen off to the bank, to do some stupid, but necessary admin stuff.
After that, i went home to bathe and wash up.
Thereafter, as i have no printer at home, i had to go print the air and train tickets for my upcoming trip at a printing shop.
And after that, i went to the hospital, to get more medication, as i am afraid i might need some more for the trip.
ANd after the hospital, i had to go teach, but thanks to my good planning skills, i had about 30mins of break time, b4 class commence.
THe hungary and tired me, decided to go to Whitesands and grab a bite.
I was immediately drawn to the Coffee Club, nice clean and chic interior. i really loved it.
i took the above photo when i was in Coffee club, a frappe and a quiche, really, and finally made me feel like i am on OFF!!
and to make things even better, there were great magazines at the place, and which i must admit, the cheapo me, had to steal some, cause i really wan to read them, and i can't finish it in 30 mins la!! THey have plenty of copies anyway, no harm when i take one right! (Oh Btw, i fell in love with ARENA magazine, its really good.)
ANd then, 3 to 6pm of tortures music class, and basically it was a one to one teaching session, with a pretty hopeless student. haiz. tell me about wasting time, thank god i am paid to do it.
and thereafter.
i had 2 very FUN dance class!! yeah..
it was really fulfilling..
i mean, i felt like i sweat loads, and i danced my heart off.
I bought BK home to eat, and as i was suppose to meet a fren for movie, i decided to call it off, cause i wanna watch AMerican Idol on TV.
The nice fren of mine, actually came to my place to company me watch American Idol. Wat a sweetie i noe..
and yes, that was my "OFF" day, which was jam packed with programs the whole freaking day!!
But well, welcome to the life of MINE!!

I am looking forward to my trip, and i can't wait to leave.
Hard times at work now, i don noe why.
maybe all i really need, is to rejuvenate, and continue striving.

THats all for now, its really late now and i still got work tomorrow!! ARGH!!



240609, WED, 0352hrs

FInally, a chance to breathe.

Just a quick one.
Yesterday i made a really rash decision.

i don't know if its good or bad.

i will be leaving Singapore in 2 weeks time.
just a trip to relax, and an excuse to get away from work..

Will be travelling to a place i have never been b4, and yes, i am terribly excited now.
Only for 1 week, but its good enough.
Germany here i come.



160609, TUE, 0148hrs