New post in 2011

Hi...

I haven't blogged for the entire year of 2010 after the last post.. which was all happy and joyful..

matter of fact.. nope 2010 didn't turn out well..

Sayang is no more sayang.. meaning we are no more together.. when i read wat i wrote previously, i realised how much i did love him, and up till today, i am still not quite over the whole thing. as much as i try to move on, i don think i have fully done so..

But anyway i am seeing new ppl, and i am dating new ppl..
problem is, i am not changing my bad habits, being too clingy.. being too cynical.. being too critical..

i don even noe why i bother to love sometimes.. cause i jus keep hurting myself..
sometimes its not even my partner or date. but me who is causing myself pain.. i hate myself.

work is alright, pretty much "overworked, underpaid" will sum up my feeling about work now.
but i don think i hate my work..
a lot of learning oppurtunities.. and i am grateful..

in 2010, as i said it was a bad year.. things ended.. many things, not jus a relatinoship.. some frenship.. some thing about myself.. i am jus jaded.. totally.. and i think i manage to pull myself to an all time low, with close to no dignity..

Just recently, like maybe a few days ago.. and especially last nite.
i did something soooooooo stupid..
i don noe why..
i manage to jus sit at one corner and cry.. i have never felt so depress in such a long time.. i had the urge to give everything up..

i had a good offer to maybe leave the country and work overseas, but i don think i can do it now because of some stupid mistakes that i made.. so stupid, i think i can kill myself for it..
i disappointed myself and many others around me..
i don even noe why i became so self-destructive..

and yes, the weight thing.. i think i got it a little under control, and lost a little bit of weight, with a shit load of effort..
but i definately am not feelign good about how i look now.. i jus wish i could do better.. but seriuosly.. where is the god damn motivation??

Anyway, i think i jus need a chanel to vent all my frustration and depression out.. jus like i did when i was in AUS..
maybe this will help me feel better.
i hope it will.. haiz..

Life sux...

23.01.11 / 1928hrs