Angelic Devil

New post in 2011

2011-01-23T03:14:00.000-08:00

Hi...

I haven't blogged for the entire year of 2010 after the last post.. which was all happy and joyful..

matter of fact.. nope 2010 didn't turn out well..

Sayang is no more sayang.. meaning we are no more together.. when i read wat i wrote previously, i realised how much i did love him, and up till today, i am still not quite over the whole thing. as much as i try to move on, i don think i have fully done so..

But anyway i am seeing new ppl, and i am dating new ppl..
problem is, i am not changing my bad habits, being too clingy.. being too cynical.. being too critical..

i don even noe why i bother to love sometimes.. cause i jus keep hurting myself..
sometimes its not even my partner or date. but me who is causing myself pain.. i hate myself.

work is alright, pretty much "overworked, underpaid" will sum up my feeling about work now.
but i don think i hate my work..
a lot of learning oppurtunities.. and i am grateful..

in 2010, as i said it was a bad year.. things ended.. many things, not jus a relatinoship.. some frenship.. some thing about myself.. i am jus jaded.. totally.. and i think i manage to pull myself to an all time low, with close to no dignity..

Just recently, like maybe a few days ago.. and especially last nite.
i did something soooooooo stupid..
i don noe why..
i manage to jus sit at one corner and cry.. i have never felt so depress in such a long time.. i had the urge to give everything up..

i had a good offer to maybe leave the country and work overseas, but i don think i can do it now because of some stupid mistakes that i made.. so stupid, i think i can kill myself for it..
i disappointed myself and many others around me..
i don even noe why i became so self-destructive..

and yes, the weight thing.. i think i got it a little under control, and lost a little bit of weight, with a shit load of effort..
but i definately am not feelign good about how i look now.. i jus wish i could do better.. but seriuosly.. where is the god damn motivation??

Anyway, i think i jus need a chanel to vent all my frustration and depression out.. jus like i did when i was in AUS..
maybe this will help me feel better.
i hope it will.. haiz..

Life sux...

23.01.11 / 1928hrs

Welcome 2010 :)

2010-01-04T12:42:00.000-08:00

HI Hi to my blog once again.
it has been ages.. maybe 3 to 4 months??

Well, nothing bad actually.. thank god.
infact, i was jus reading through the other blogs that my frens have, and it got me thinking.
everyone is jus blogging about the same thing.
the NEW YEAR!!
or rather, reminicing 2009. while looking forward to 2010.
and my mind jus started rumbling too...

2009 has been a year of UPS and DOWNS!!
pretty extreme as compared to 2008.

Looking back at 2008, i was a full time Uni student, with an awesome part timejob.
travelled to various parts of australia, and even auckland, NZ.
Officially finish Uni, and seriuosly, it was all good, except for the fact tt my dad passed away.

Now now.. 2009..
The year started off rough.
with many failed attempts at securing a decent job.
and when i finally did, my dearest grandma, passed away.
an event which still shook me till today.
after that, it was 8 to 9months of rough time, at my work place.
loads of complaints, and i hated my work.
then in July, i when hunting for new job again, and thank god, as the year goes by, life improved.
Mummy and i moved into our new place, and i got a new job, which started in DEC 2009!
so far so good.. a job in a hotel, starting off as an assistant concierge.

And i think travelling is something that majority of the human kind will love, and the poor me, actually still got to travel this year!
i don believe it.
first is an all expense paid trip to cologne, GERMANY!! my 1st time to Europe!
WOW WOW WOW!! heehee...
that was in JUN
then in SEP, i took another trip to SYDNEY!!
to meet my Sayang, and lets just say the trip was really worth it :)

As the year comes to an end, my birthday marks how beautiful my life is with great frens, and a love one who is with me, not physically,but emotionally.

At the end of NOV, when my sayang finally came back, i guess we took about a month's time to adjust to one another.

At some point in time, it seems that i have loved him less, as compared to the past.
but then, he complaint that i was too clingy, and thus, i jus took a step back, and took thinks easy.
now, it seems that he has become to clingy one, as i suppose he is scared of losing me, after i mentinoed casually that sometimes, i am jus too tired off all these.

Well, it wasn't to threaten him, but jus a heart felt comment which i blurted out.

Sayang has also started his full time job 4 days ago, and we r both now working shift work.

In 2010, i am not going to set resolutions. or shall i say, i jus wan to call them my dream :)

i wan to further work on this relatinoship with sayang, and if things go well, i want things to get seriuos for the both of us too.
I wan to work on the many friendships i have, and form a strong network of friendship, to benefit from one another by sharing our knowledge and resources.
I wan to be nicer, kinder and more fillial to Mummy.
I wan to save up more, and not spend unwisely.
I wan to loose weight, cause in 2009, i have put on 10 FUCKING KILOS!!!

Ultimately, i jus want to be happy.
Being positive i suppose is the key to that.
As one of the mottos of my workplace goes,

Love All, Serve All.

050110, TUE, 0456hrs

Back, not for good.

2009-09-19T11:55:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged for ages, realised the lat time was the end of May.
about me going to cologne, germany the other time.

Tonite, i am back on this blog, because of how i feel again.
Emo.
I hate this feeling.
Life has beenr eally busy for me, and i think it is a good and bad thing.

Also in a crazy twirl of fate, i got myself attached, for almost 2 months now.
itss a long distance relationship, that i have devoted myself into a hundred and one percent.
i don noe why, but meeting him, jus feels like everything is alright.
the warm fuzzy feeling inside.
The chemistry, the sparks and the kiss.. unforgettable.
With him, there are good and bad.

The good is of course the love that i feel.
the fact that i noe there is someone there for me.
The bad is of course the physical absence.
and i do feel lousy at times, when i realised how wonderful a person he is.

in 5 days time, i will be onboard a plane again
off to sydney this time to meet my love
mixed feelings, mixed emotions.
there are so much to do,
and so much to think about.
and i don even remember i made this decision to travel miles to meet him for 10days.
I choose to beleive it will be all worth it.

Time flies.
i am 7motnhs into my job, and so much have changed,
from where i started to where i am now.
good and bad too.

Life is filled wit good and bad for me.
work, family, frens and love.

there are the positives and the negatives in every aspect of my lifes now, and like usual, the battle between them is tearing me apart.. inside..
every nite, i tire myself out b4 putting my head on my pillow, so that i can sleep wit ease.
almost everynite, we will be on the phone, with him kissing me to sleep.
tonite, we didn't chat till i fall asleep, and damn, my emotions got the better of me.

haiz, this feeling i have now, is soooo sucky..
i can't control it.
i laugh, i cry and anger at the slightest happenings in me.
thats how i feel.
i feel so vunerable emotionally now.
and i hate this feeling so much.
i hate loosing control of my feelings.

I hope venting all these out will make me better and stronger.
i need to reflect, and control.
i need to wake up.
i need to find myself back.

200909, SUN, 0316hrs

Waiting to go onboard my first 12 hour flight.

2009-05-29T06:46:00.000-07:00

As i type this, i am actually in the departure hall of Changi Airport, Terminal 2.
Nothing can explain my excitement now.

Though its a disgusting 12 hours flight, the longest i will be taking so far in my life.
All i can think about now is the moment of landing and stepping food in Germany,

Prior to this, i have done no reserach on the place, and have made no effort in trying to learn some basic German.

All i have is some information and directions from my friend.
Upon Landing in Frankfurt, i will still have to take a train for bout an hour b4 i can reach cologne.
and after that, i will need to take a cab to his place.

It sounds easy if you are in SG, but over there, i really don't know what to expect.

I jus hope everything could just go on smoothly without any hiccups.

In bout 12 hours time, i will be stepping foot in Europe for the 1st time.

My 1st EUrope trip, and i can see many more to come in the near future.

I feel like a small boi, in a candy store once again :)

290509, FRI, 2156hrs

Don't judge me for who I am.

2009-05-28T11:58:00.000-07:00

I am Undeniably excited.

BUt i am not too sure wat to expect too.

I am excited to be meeting him, but the place, i will be a total stranger.
and it doesn't help when i don speak a single line of German.

As i chat wit him online for the last time today. i said to him.

"I have no plans for the trip.
I am really taking a break, so i am not using my brain.
I just wanna have fun and relax.
I will leave it up to you and my intuition."

Nevertheless, he is still one of the nicest guy i have met.
And his reply was nonetheless very sweet and touching.

Oh well, not many know about this trip.
but for those who knows, some think that i am degrading myself, but honestly, i don;'t feel tt way, cause i am causing no harm to anyone, and i enjoy doing it.
In life, how often do we get these oppurtunities in the 1st place?

Its my 1st trip to Europe and i am alrady coming 24 this year.
Yes, i am a lot luckier than most kids, cause i have already got to travel to alot of places.

But if u really know me well, I am one who thrives on new excitement, new knowledge, new beginnings, and most importantly, new experiences.

Embarking on this journey, i felt like i have changed a lot.
And i look forward to what this trip will bring to me.

Its more than a booty call.
and don't juge me for who i am, cause even if you do, i don't fucking care.

290509, FRI, 0305hrs

OFF DAY?!?!

2009-05-23T12:40:00.000-07:00

I am usually entitled to an off day, once a week. Usually on the THU.
And on this particular THU, this week. this was how my day went.

Waking up at 10am, breakfast with mum at Macdonalds.
THen off to the bank, to do some stupid, but necessary admin stuff.
After that, i went home to bathe and wash up.
Thereafter, as i have no printer at home, i had to go print the air and train tickets for my upcoming trip at a printing shop.
And after that, i went to the hospital, to get more medication, as i am afraid i might need some more for the trip.
ANd after the hospital, i had to go teach, but thanks to my good planning skills, i had about 30mins of break time, b4 class commence.
THe hungary and tired me, decided to go to Whitesands and grab a bite.
I was immediately drawn to the Coffee Club, nice clean and chic interior. i really loved it.
i took the above photo when i was in Coffee club, a frappe and a quiche, really, and finally made me feel like i am on OFF!!
and to make things even better, there were great magazines at the place, and which i must admit, the cheapo me, had to steal some, cause i really wan to read them, and i can't finish it in 30 mins la!! THey have plenty of copies anyway, no harm when i take one right! (Oh Btw, i fell in love with ARENA magazine, its really good.)
ANd then, 3 to 6pm of tortures music class, and basically it was a one to one teaching session, with a pretty hopeless student. haiz. tell me about wasting time, thank god i am paid to do it.
and thereafter.
i had 2 very FUN dance class!! yeah..
it was really fulfilling..
i mean, i felt like i sweat loads, and i danced my heart off.
I bought BK home to eat, and as i was suppose to meet a fren for movie, i decided to call it off, cause i wanna watch AMerican Idol on TV.
The nice fren of mine, actually came to my place to company me watch American Idol. Wat a sweetie i noe..
and yes, that was my "OFF" day, which was jam packed with programs the whole freaking day!!
But well, welcome to the life of MINE!!

I am looking forward to my trip, and i can't wait to leave.
Hard times at work now, i don noe why.
maybe all i really need, is to rejuvenate, and continue striving.

THats all for now, its really late now and i still got work tomorrow!! ARGH!!

240609, WED, 0352hrs

FInally, a chance to breathe.

2009-05-15T10:41:00.000-07:00

Just a quick one.
Yesterday i made a really rash decision.

i don't know if its good or bad.

i will be leaving Singapore in 2 weeks time.
just a trip to relax, and an excuse to get away from work..

Will be travelling to a place i have never been b4, and yes, i am terribly excited now.
Only for 1 week, but its good enough.
Germany here i come.

160609, TUE, 0148hrs

What a gift i got, and its not even my birthday.

2009-04-24T11:19:00.000-07:00

I am not too sure if i have mentioned about this special fren tt i have got.

Well, At times, i stay over at his place for convinience. as in to get to work.
cause he lives jus walking distance away from BJ.

and also, i love his place. the apartment is simple, nice and cosy.
and when i am there, i do feel like, i am out of the bloody country due to its designs.
and honestly, i do enjoy his company a lot.

this special fren of mine, is no good looking dude who walks out form some vogue magazine.
he is actually a 40 plus year old scottish guy, who is considered an expat here.
he has lived in singapore for the past 7 years, and travels frequently to HK for work.

I haven't seen him for a week until last nite, as he was in HK for the past week.
In his previous trip, when i 1st met him, he bought me a new bottle of cologne when he came back.
and this time round, he bought me something, that was totally out of my expectation..

He got me a GUCCI wallet!!!

like OMG, i noe..
i mean, no, i am not a fan of gucci, but still, a gift from GUCCI is still one that is worth gushing over right!!
and when i have eyes my LV Damier Canvas Wallet for so long, i think tis gift is jus asking me to give up on it ( but i still wan the LV belt i saw!!)

oh well, i am really happy.. and no i didn't ask him to get me anything. but i guess he jus did.

I am not really a kept boi of any sort, although i always think i make a good social escort or call boi. i still see other ppl when he is not around, but yes, i can't deny that i love his company a lot.

He is pretty sweet and caring, and i guess, all i ever wanted was jus the right company, and there he was.

although he is not wat i am looking for, i guess he was there, at the right place, at the right time.
and i am still happy over the gift i got >)

250409, SATm 0229hrs

Sunday for me..

2009-04-19T11:53:00.000-07:00

I jus felt that i need to type.

Lets take a look at my life.. today..

Waking up early at 9ish, i successfully dragged my fat body into 2 hours of dance class at SMU.
It was really good, cause i really sweat it out.
and damn it, i can't believe the amount of mass i had put on to myself. wat a shame.

and thereafter, i wen to orchard for a walk, i mean, i can't even remember the last time i was there, it should have been ages ago.
anyway, since returning to SG about 4 months back, i haven't bought any kind of clothes or stuff really for myself.
i have spent most of my money on transport, meals and entertainment..

Today's little shopping trip, really was bad.
i wanted to buy so much stuff but i noe they have to wait.
on top of my list now, is 4 important stuff, and also costly stuff..

1.) A new mobile phone. preferebaly the LG Prada Phone.
2.) A new pair of black leather shoes (I can't believe so many shoe stores in SG don't sell high cut leather shoes la!! wat a shame..)
3.) A new belt (My LV visit today, has made me fell in love with this belt, which bloody cost 865 bucks.. but i noe it will be mine someday. eyes on the prize for now!)
4.) A new wallet (Of course it must be LV la. if i am not wrong, the one i love is bout 600 plus).

So as u can see. everything is about money, and i am having difficulty saving, cause i really love to spent. On quality that is.
i really have refrained myself from spending unnecessarily for these past few months.

Anyway, life is all about work currently, and i miss the times whereby i can dance almost everyday.
at least it keeps me in shape.
working makes me really hungary, but i always eat at the wrong time, and that explains my disgusting body now.
i saw a fashion show today at Bugis junction, and there were 3 really awesome male models.
looking at them work the runway, it was a wake up call.
where has my confidence and drive to looking good gone too?!?!?!
i told myself, i really have to work hard to maintain a healthy and tone body.
not easy but i noe i can.

well, work is sucky and i shall not talk much about it.
things tt cheer me up now.. includes..

ANTM cycle12.. OMG, wat a weekly indulgence.
Dating a lot of random ppl. and yes, i am enjoying the freedom, and i believe i have some sort of committment issues now. i have no hopes on becoming attached, and i don quite fucking care.
having ppl visit me at work, cause sadly, i don have time to meet them out of work.
even my dates now, are limited to midnight movies after work. how pathetic.
oh and yes, on my last off day, i went drinking wit some mates.
a beer and 2 frozen magaritas later, i officially felt like it was a proper off day. lolx.
damn it. the alcoholic in me is haunting me. haha..

oh well thats it, i should go sleep now,
i have to go to work early tomolo, jus to do opening. reason being..
the safe at work is fucked up, and i can't open it.
and therefore i have to bring home the whole float and the sales. meaning i am like caryying thousands of dollars around la.
that is disgusting, and work is haunting me again.. ok .
byebye,.

200409, MON, 0308hrs.

Fucking Weird Day..

2009-04-02T09:45:00.000-07:00

I had a weird day today.

Waking up today, i was suppose to meet my fren for lunch.
He was asleep, and so i bought lunch and went over to his place.
Had lunch and watched tv.
nothing weird..

the 1st moment, was actually, seeing my best mate, somewhere near my void deck, while waiting for a cab.
totally shocked, as in.. OMG, i mean, wat r the chances..

the 2nd moment, while in the car, i got a call from marina sands to go for an interview next week.
i am not surprised by the call, but by the caller, cause she is totally bimbotic, and it jus says how crappy their HR is.
anyway, the HR, don even noe wat position they are offering me, and they jus wan me to go for interview la! wah lao!

the 3rd moment was when i am at my fren's place..
i got a msg from a fren's galfren who is inviting us to his birthday BBQ.
i am jus plain surprised.. anway..

the 4th moment,
was when i got a call from work, to tell me that, something i have submitted was not complete, and i so need to get it done soon.
as it was my off day today, i have to go back early, and chiong the report to submit it by 12pm.

then after that, i went to teach at pasir ris, and after teaching i went to walk around Tampines.
i was looking for a a light tube, cause one at work has blown, and i need to replace it (yes, i do a lot of shit work)
Sadly, the whole tampines, but not one that i can use.

then i went to SImei for my dance class, and i found one in the NTUC at simei.
but sadly, its not the same brand, i still bought it, cause iam quite desperate.
sad to say, i don think its gonna work.. jus a feeling..
haiz..

then at dance class, i need to pay fees, and i gave cash, but they had no chance..
WTF la!!
then i had to go bank in the cash,and then pay by NETS. haiz.

oh and during class, i realised something.
I left my favourite water bottle in the school i was teaching!!!
OMG OMG OMG.
i am so pissed wit myself.
i was so bloody thirsty..

then, i wanted to cut my hair after class..
but in order to cool down 1st, i went to get a drink, went to NTUC to get the light tube, then went up to the salon, and its was 9.20pm..
and they told me they are closed!! when their closing time is fucking 9.30pm la!!!
ANyway, i really hate the place now!!
EVeryone, never go the the EQ House, at eastpoint, level 2.
the ppl there are jus plain fucked up..
damn BITCHES!!

oh, and anyway, in NTUC, i met a secondary school fren whom i haven in YEARS!! seriuosly
and he came up to talk to me..
weird?!?! YES Definately..

anyway, the whole day, was jus really awkard feeling..
like nothing seems to be right..

ok..
i need to go now..

030409, FRI, 0057hrs

I FUCKING HATE RUDE PPL!!!

2009-04-01T10:09:00.000-07:00

Continuing on the pathetic life of mine..

I have successfully blown my cover as Mr Nice guy at my new workplace.
one month into work, and yes, i think today, i crossed the line.

As in, i don noe why, but i started to forward work emails to my personal mails, and then, when i open it, i got stressed, and thinking tt i need to do it at home. haiz.
and tomorrow is my off day, but i have this urge to jus go down and settle some undone stuff. FUCK!!
its so not me.
i mean..
i already told myself to take it easy, but the pressure is really on.
and during closing today.

i was so fucking pissed wit a staff, i scolded her so loudly i think ppl from like a 100M radius could hear me..
and i only reaslised this when i walked out of my store, and see ppl staring at me.
but anyway, she crossed my line.
i was being too nice, and she was being a rude bitch.
the only thing i felt bad was using FUCK on her.
but seriously, FUCK is jus a form of expression to me..
Singaporeans make too big a fuss over it.
there were no customers, but a few staff was around.

seriously, i don even noe wat the others think, and i was so angry.
it was like, all the anger, being released at one point in time.
i am sure i was scary.
and probably offensive.
but well, no point having any regrets.
i guess, i should jus be the real me..
its pointless being Mr Nice guy all the time.
cause some ppl, are jus waiting for u to be mean.

ok, enough complaining.
work has consumed me.
FUCK IT!!

020409, THU, 0117hrs.

Ever felt like pushing someone off the Escalator??

2009-03-14T10:49:00.000-07:00

I am feeling emo..

and also random..

I have been in good control of my emotions.. but a fairly good time.

i mean, i don show much anger, or sorrow in front of ppl..

and yes, i generally appear, happy and positive..

2 weeks into my new job, and i have felt tt, the physical strain has start pushing my emotional limits too,.

take for example, the feeling of wanting to push someone off the Escalator, when they don keep left, and i am in the rush, is getting stronger..

THe need to hurry, and literally run, to catch the bus and train, pisses me off. ( i use to jus take it easy, and flag a cab when financially, i was sound).

and today, when a customer, complained, i almost wanted to slap. and to refrain myself from doing tt.. i ask my colleague to go handle. which i noe, is very unprofessionall..

then also, when i got a call from my superior.. i got fucking frustrated.. i swear.. cause of some stuff tt was said..

i always tell myself not to get emotional over work, cause it really is not worth it.

and thus i don noe why i am feeling tt way, today..

which sux..

am i putting in too much now, that its is starting to be part of me?

it has consummed me yet again, cause work is like the main topic of my daily conversation..

which again is not a good sign..

and then.. the emo-ing me..

started coming back last nite..

i was fucking hungary after work, cause it was fucking busy. i swear.

instead of dropping by to get supper, i headed home..

at home, i was feeling emo..

and after not drinking for a long time, i pourred myself some whisky..

it felt like, catching up wit a good fren.. again..

tonite after work,, and till now, i am still damn fucking hungary.

but i really have got no mood to eat..

and yes, i am craving for my "best fren".. i mean the alcohol again..

but i am refraining myself from doing tt..

haiz..

ok watever..

lets talk about more random stuff..

i wonder wat most ppl do when they shit..

i always think its a fucking waste of time..

so when i shit at home, i always read the papers..

when i am outside, i start going through my HP...

but to my disappointment, calls, and messages are really rare these days (my phone bill last month was jus 19 bucks). This is indeed a record..

oh, and i have the habit of keeping some messages..
trust me, some messages were like 2 years ago. lolx..

one of the latest msg tt i have kept, was sent all the way from Aussie, a good mate..
and he said this..

"Hey, was just looking at some photos and saw one i took of you. you are a beautiful guy and i miss you."

Seriusly, when i saw this for the 1st time, i was so bloody happy, and keeping it in my phone, and looking at it time to time. also did make me feel good..
wat a true fren i know..
but we are now miles apart. haiz..

oh and then, there was this german guy who i am quite crazily in love wit..
it was his birthday a few days ago, and i sent him some stuff, and also called him.

sad to say, i felt tt we drifted apart..
i believe he has his on life in germany, and i probably don a difference at all..
but when i am down, and need someone, i don noe why, but i often think of him..
haiz.. anyway, i really need to be stronger..

i can literally feel myself.. getting smaller, and older day by day..
thats the pathetic life of mine..

150309, SUN, 0210hrs

Just a personality test..

2009-03-09T08:59:00.000-07:00

I got this from a website. and i think its pretty thru for me. it might be a little too generic, and the stuff tt they say are pretty nice. haha.. well well.. jus try it for urself la. here's the link.

http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.

Your views on education:

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

100309, TUE, 0026hrs

Read tis, i tink its good.

2009-03-06T09:58:00.000-08:00

I got this, reading someone else's blog..
don ask me who, cause its not important..
anyway, its a common problem in straight relationships.. and i like how the writer sees it..

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... “You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit." We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?" I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

070309, SAT, 0200hrs

Brand Whore me.. thats the way i am..

2009-03-03T09:07:00.000-08:00

just a random posting. since i haven posted for some time.

Finally got started on my full time job.
Which is back to F&B, but well, lets jus make the best out of it.
i will jus do my best, and earn money to fulfil my needs. lolx.
and yes, i am planning to work, as in teach during my off days, to earn even more moeny. yeah!!

oh, and i wan to the usual bimbotic things that ppl do on their blogs.
have a, "wish list '09", or the things i wanna buy list. lolx..

1.) LV wallet
2.) LV Belt
3.) Black Leather Shoes (More for work)
4.) Adidas High Cut Shoes
5) ANother hard Disk to store more porn (and also movies, and music la!!)
6.) Maybe a new laptop, cause this one crashing liao
7.) Adidas Watch
8.) A HANDPHONE!! how can i forget this. the current one is totally useless soon. ( I am hoping for the Prada phone, but i heard LG sux! but its PRADA!! lolx)

I am offically a brand Whore, but who cares.
I see myself dressed in LV from head to toe, one day. very soon.
THats the way i like it. and thats the way i am.
and of course not forgetting my favoutite sports brand, adidas, i will not forget u. lolx.
so my habit now is, "no label, no buy"
yeah.
How shameless can i get..
Woots!!

Am tired, but happyily tired..
i really am a workaholic.
slaps me!

040309, WED, 0114hrs

Wats wrong wit religions these days?!?!

2009-02-21T09:38:00.000-08:00

shall update about my life..
cause i have not been able to blog, due to various reasons.

good news 1st,
i am gonna take on a full time job wit Ministry of Food, as an assistant service manager(which equates to a lot of Sai Kang).
but anyway, i think its time to immerse myself in a real full time job, and hopefully have a better focus in life, given tt i am a workaholic.

well, i realised tt was the only good news i have.
some random updates.

i was dating tis guy a couple of times.
he is actually my cousin's good fren, and i met him at my grandma's wake.
things we going on quite well, he is not exactly eye candy, but he is a nice sweet guy.
a pisces, who i believe can satisfy me emotionally.
but then, we were chatting on MSN today, and we stumbled on the topic of being "top" and "bottom".
well, basically i am like a pure top, cause i have never been fucked, and i don intend on getting fucked too.
and yes, he is one too.
so when we both reached this topic, he got really emo.
and his MSN nick went from like.. i thought i found it, but its all a dream.
so i felt really bad too.
and i noe how pisces can get really emo about such stuff.
after much effort in consolling him, i don think it worked, and things are pretty sour between us now.
i really do hope we can still be frens, cause we can really get along well. haiz..
but thats life eh, we don always get wat we wan.

ok . change topic again.
random me..

during the process of my grandma's passing, i realised a lot, and i felt a lot of emotions.

for example, the extreme pain of watching her take her last breath, and screaming her name out loud.
the feeling of crying so hard when she was cremated, i couldn't even see anything, cause the tears jus blurred my vision.
the excitement when i finally dreamt of her again, after the 9th day.
the hate i have for religion. this i have to elaborate.

imagine how my christians aunty and uncle refuse to let my cousins hold a joss stick and not let them fold the "gold paper".
but, when we were gambling (Mahjong and poker), they were all excited, and were joining in the fun!! is this how holy u are?!?!
thats not the worse, cause they drink a lot too! like alcohol. and not jus wine. they drink like beer and all sorts of shit.
HALO!! so much for trying to act and be holy can.
how can one educate their children this way.
cause if i am thier child, i will ask super a lot of questions, and i will hate them.

and also, i have a cousin who was not at the hospital when my grandma passed cause she was at a camp, then whn my grandma was cremated on MON, she refused to come, cause she said it was her 1st day of JC, and she don wan to miss school. probably afriad that she will be "outcast" when she goes back the next day..
seriolsy, and my uncle if fine wit that (tis is another uncle btw).
i really was speechless.

oh and its not jus the christians i was upset wit.
imagine a buddhist monk, who was chanting for my grandma during the wake was also a mean soul..
cause after the cremation, we laid her ashes in a temple and the monk at the temple prayed for her to.
the whole family did feel that the monk at the temple prayed in a more sincere way, and thus decided to engage him to pray for the rest of the next few days, and during necessary days.
the original monk, was then told that we don need his service anymore, and let me tell u. he was really pissed.
he even kinda of cursed my grandmother, which really was upsetting and mean..
and then, he even asked if its because the other monk charged a cheaper fee, and we jus said yes. it was the truth, but more importantly, tt was not the reason we decided to switch.
imagine the disgust when he offered to give a discount, hoping to still do our business.
like WTF la!!
i really was damn disgusted..
wit both religions.
and i am happy tt i am a free thinker.

i do believe in god.
who exist in various forms. for the better of mankind.
but these crappy followers of him.
should really be punished..

oh well thats all for now..

0214hrs, 220209, SUN
wat kind of values are they inputting!! WTF LA!!

AH MA, You took a part of me when you left, I Love You.

2009-02-12T06:38:00.000-08:00

My grandma passed away today.

exactly 7 months, and 1 day after my dad did..

Withing the time frama of a year, i lost 2 of my closest family members.

I wonder how i can cope with this.

the feeling of numbness.

the feeling of heart wrench.

the pain of not being able to think properly.

the need to be comforted.

the brave front that has to be put up.

the life that has to be carried on.

As i type along, i realised, i have so much to say, but i don noe how to do it.

Maybe jus a few things tt is in my head now.

I remember how i use to ask for money from Ah ma, to buy all sorts of cards when i was young, and she never said no.

I remember how she always bring me around, afraid of me travelling alone.

That includes to my music class, my IT classes, My abacus classes, my auntie's place, etc....

and then during my class, she always sits outside, and jus wait for me, till my lesson ends, then she will bring me home.

Ah Ma is the Most patient person i ever knew.. the MOST Patient person ever in my life.

I remember how Ah Ma got so angry at me once, and she slapped me. cause i fought wit my cousin, and i scolded vulgaraties at my cousin. that was the only time AH Ma was angry at me.

But i noe she is very sad when she hit me.

I remember how i was always so scared to go to the toilet at nite, and i will always call her to wait for me outside the toilet when i was young.

I remember her porridge that she will always cook, every SUN morning.

I remember how she will ALWAYS ask me if i wan Milo in the morning when i wake up, then she will make it for me.

I remember how she will ALWAYS ask if i have clothes to be iron, when she noes i am going out.

I remember how she will ALWAYS ask me wat time i wan to wake up the next day, and she will endlessly try to wake me up, despite how cranky i get when i am awoken in the morning, and i will get angry at her. shame on me.

I remember how she will always try to end my call from Australia ASAP whenever i call, despite the fact that i noe she misses me like crazy. reason being, she doesn't wan me to waste money on overseas call, as she thinks its very expensive. but, talking to her, was priceless.

As i stay home, i can't help but tear when i enter her room, look at her clothes, and also the photos she had.
Its gonna take me a real long time.
To be the me, i use to be.
Enough of unfortunate events for me.
Pls, stop torturing me.

0018hrs, 130209, FRI

Not a good time now..

2009-01-21T21:20:00.000-08:00

I received a nice msg from one of my besties tis morning, asking me how i am after looking at my previous post.
I am alright.
definately not at my best.
but i am taking one step at a time.
jus tired and dis-heartened.

there are many reasons why..
3 failed interviews, 2 from SIA, and 1 from Emirates.
It really does not help when ppl come up to me and say, OMG, u r so suited for the job.. OR, i am sure u will get the job ONE LA!!
And neither does it feel better, when u come out of the group interview, and ppl tell u.. OMG, U SPOKE SO WELL!! HALO!! tell me something i don noe, like, why DIDN'T i get through then, when i could almost convince the president to let me be vice-president..

oh well, thats life, u don always get wat u wan..
but of course thats not the only thing.

the usual, relationship problems.. i mean not even in a relationship yet, i should say the dating jungle out there. is jus... haiz.. disappointing.
imagine meeting someone really nice, smiles at u all the time, and after a few days, finally got to exchange numbers, and start chatting.
the next thing u noe. the person is attached..
i mean the person is already long attached, but has no intentions of telling you! isn't tt disgusting!!!
and thank god i asked..
so now, watever that is going on, is jus plain flirting. the person is attached, and the person jus wans to flirt. so lets jus play along i guess.

then i got a phone call, from my beloved fren from germany, telling me he is visiting again.
yes i am all excited.
but no i am not happy at all wit his plans here.
he is treating me like shit..
and i am disappointed..

more more more to come..
my grandma. is really sick.. like terribly sick..
jus hoping she can get pass CNY, and then we can bring her to the hospital and stuff.
its quite scary seeing her everyday.
not noeing when she wil collapsed or pass out.
it is obvious she wans to get pass this CNY too, and is jus pressing on so that the family don have to worry for her..

oh yes.. and then, i am really dreading CNY, cause i will be asked the following disgusting questions..
1.) so u grad liao, wat u wan to do now?
2.) got galfren a not?
and then hearing things that are totally unncessary
1.) aiyoh, the economy so bad now.. hard to find job la.. take ur time (HALO, U GIVE ME MONEY HUH, TAKE MY TIME?!?!)
2.) don be picky la. jus do anything 1st lor.. ( This is the ultimate statement that will force me to roll my eyes at them.)

basically its not tt i am not trying.. i am trying. but its not fun getting rejected all the time.
and also, i am not picky about salary and stuff, i jus wna to do stuff tt will make me genereally happy, and i don wan to start a job, noein tt i will hate it. wats the point!!

anyway, i have went online and send my resumes to the following companies, in which i haven got a reply yet.

1.) IR - sentosa
2.) IR - Marina
3.) Marriott Vacation club
4.) Food republic
5.) New urban male..

so jus wish me luck, and pray for me if u have time..
jus crossing my fingers for a better tomolo..

220109, THU, 1523hrs

WHY?

2009-01-16T07:41:00.000-08:00

I WAN TO RUN AWAY FROM IT ALL!!!
FUCK OFF!!!
I WAN TO FUCK OFF!!!

WHY NOW!!?!?!

WHY ME?!?!

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY?!?!

160109, FRI, 2345hrs

Boring X'mas....

2008-12-26T22:47:00.000-08:00

I feel like Shit.
I am like rotting at home everyday, cause I really don have much money to spend when I go out.
Maybe the occasional gathering, I would splurge a little.
But other than that, even getting a coffee now at starbucks is worth a serious consideration.

Ok, since I have don have much going on in life. I shall bore myself with endless nonsense typing.

Few days back, I received an SMS from an ex student, whom honestly, is not one of my favourite. But it was a nice SMS. This was what she said:
“Hello, I’m S***ne from Co**l Secondary who play liuqin. Rmb me?! :) I want to thank you because you helped me get thru dsa (direct school admission) to T*****k JC!! I played eine kleine for audition which you taught us :) now I am in the chinese orchestra preparing for syf next year!! Thanks for your song n your teachings! :)”
There u have it, an SMS that made my day.
Identities and school names are protected..

And just yesterday, it was Christmas, and I was rotting at home the whole day.
Yes literally nothing to do. But who cares, wasn’t interested to go out, and be squeezed by the overcrowded population.
And on x’mas eve, I had no plans at all when I woke up.
I got really bored in the noon, and I decided to ask some one I jus knew online to go out in the evening.
Then right after I asked him, I regretted. Cause I realised I don’t even know how he looks like.
I only know the fact the he is scorpio and he is old. Like 45 years old.. faintz..
Then I asked myself, what the hell was I doing?!?!
Going on a blind date, on x’mas eve!! Not a good idea.

But since I promised, I went.
Lets just say the 1st look at him, was plain disappointment.
Then off we went to have some drinks cause by the time we met, it was already quite late due to the rain that had been going on the whole freaking day.
As we settled down in a pub, the conversation along the way, had already turn me off to a point of “WTF”.
We had beer at the Belgium place, and when I chose to have a fruit beer, cause I like it, he gave me a suggestion of having another nicer one.
And as I was too tired to debate, I jus said, “ok, anything”
We were in the pub for an hour plus.
Lets just say, thank god he did made the night better, when he started revealing more personal stuff about himself.
Lets just say, it was like the connection 2 scorpios had.
We were so thrilled to agree on how cunning, competitive, sarcastic, and ambitious the both of us were.
Depite the huge age gap of 22, I must say, we had a very decent chat (I attribute it to the scorpio personality once again).
Then after that, the pub was closing (to our shock, cause it was bloody x’mas eve)
Then we went to get some food, and had more drinks at another pub.
This time round, he insisted on wine (cause he is a wine fan, and I so hate it). In order to compromise, we had wine, but it was white, which suits my taste more.
We had one whole bottle, and both of us gulped it down in no time. I swear, it was fast.
Maybe he was trying to get me drunk, but actually, I could hold liquor much better than him.
And I did think he was more high than me.
We continued chatting and talking. And at the end of the night, we deicided to leave b4 x’mas at 11 plus, cause we both needed to catch the train, and we didn’t wan to be caught in the crowd after 12 midnight.
So the night ended with a simple hug, and I obviously showed no sign of interest towards him.
He got the signal, and he said he is not interested too cause I am BISEXUAL!! What nonsense!!
Anyway, think its just an excuse.. lolx..

On the way home, I kinda of countdown in the train, but only to myself.
When the clock strike 12, I almost wanted to shout MERRY CHRISTMAS on the train, but thank god I didn’t, cause like what my fren told me, this is Singapore, and you definitely be caught, and be fined for doing that.. lolx.
Yes, talk about adapting to life back here.
I jus hate how every one here is so bloody uptight, and the service industry, is jus plain fuck up.
SERVICE!!! ISSIT THAT HARD?!?!?!?!
What’s with ppl these days?!?!
I shall leave that for some other posts.
That’s all for now ;)

261208, FRI, 1641hrs

Packing up the baggage that is worth 1.5 years.

2008-12-21T00:14:00.000-08:00

I remembered complaining about packing up my room and stuff in some of my previous posts.

THis above picture was taken when i 1st got back home in SG.

Don't ask me how i did it. but lets say, it was hell moving all these stuff back.

YES, everything u see if mine!!

Lets go through some of it.

THe huge bottom left luggage, and the one on the sofa, also on the left, contains all clothes.. and yes, both of these luggage already weighted like 40 plus KG.

THen the bottom middle, smaller luggage, contains most of my fragile stuff like CDs, some books, and toiletries like my perfume, and blah blah blah.

The one on the Bottom right, the big black one, is filled with my collection of shoes and foot ware, plus my caps and other accessories. and also some of the new buys i got at harbour town b4 i came back. i can;t believe i went shopping again. but it was for my CNY clothes, i must stop shopping back in Singapore..

Then you see my laptop back, and a White Plastic Bag which contains my Board game and some posters.

and also a black bag in the middle on the sofa, which contains the fragile stuff like my cups, and also my soft toys and blah blah blah.

and last but not least, my precious LV bag, in which i hand carry my important stuff.

haha.

honestly, when checking my 4 luggagges, the three on the bottom, and the one on the left, sitting on the sofa, my stuff alone is already about 80 KG..

plus the other hand carry stuff, it was about 20 KG..

thank god my mum, my uncle, aunty and 2 cousins were there to help, and i could ride my overweight stuff on them.

the 6 of us had a limit of 140 KG, but the overall check in was 166kg (yes, half of it was mine).. lolx..

but i didn't had to pay, the counter staff was damn nice.

anyway, yes, i threw away so much staff when packing..

and these was wat i brought back..

As i pack my room , yet again in SG, i have to start throwing away stuff again.

which is damn sian.

i hate doing it.

but i seriously have no place to store my things.

and its pissing me off.

i so need my personal space..

and i need space for my stuff.

haiz haiz haiz.

211208, SUN, 1623hrs

Another Emo Period.....

2008-12-21T00:09:00.000-08:00

I haven blogged for ages.. well well.. I was busy..
And life has changed a lot. And lets jus say I am trying to adapt.
Once again, swimming in uncertainty. The feeling is horrible..
Upon returning to Singapore one week ago, I was lucky to have gotten an interview with Singapore Airlines, the 3rd day I am back.
I went, and I left.
I got through the 1st round which was a group interview, and yes, I am proud to say I did quite well.
I was in a group of 8, and I was the only one who got to the 2nd round.
The 2nd round was a general “looks” test.
I went into the room, was asked to walk from one end to the other end, in which I have no problem with.
But when the interviewer saw my face, she didn’t say much, but I knew she wasn’t too please.
And yes, after waiting outside for a couple of minutes, I was asked to leave as I didn’t pass the “skin test”.
I was disappointed, jus a little. But as the day goes by, I got more and more depressed over this failure.
Maybe I haven felt failure for a long time.
I was lucky, and I succeed in the things I do most of the time.
But not my 1st interview upon graduation.
Yes I am not going to give up, and I will try once again on the 17th Jan.
I know I have to get through it. I really have to focus this time. And make no mistakes.
The feeling of being home most days, and being jobless, is making me really depressed.
As I see my savings account deplete, I know I really need the job badly.
Its not helpful when the festive seasons are around the corner, and you don’t really have the mood to celebrate, just simply because I can’t afford to splurge..
When I came back, I had a visitor from Germany visit too..
He was an awesome guy, who decided to stop by SG to pay me a visit, since he was around the region for work, and also in BKK for fun (like all gay guys, BKK is like the gay heaven).
When he was here, we spent like 2 days together, and I was really attracted to him. And he was pretty attracted to me too.
He has a striking resemblance to the guy I was madly in love with back in Brisbane. Except that he has blond hair and blue eyes (a total deadly combo).
Moreover, he is 32 this year, but looks younger then his actual age, and not to say, very slim body, basically one that turns me on.
And yes, he is rich too, owns his own company, and is a boss who travels around the world to sell his products, and conduct training.
Flies 1st class, and a total gentlemen.
But well well, like I said, life is cruel.
We never get wat we wan.
I like him, he likes me.
But we are like 98573427234280940 miles apart.
I long to visit him some day, and he promises to return to visit some day too.
But whats the point?
We are jus friends at the end of the day.

As I job hunt, I long for a different working environment, and a different place to stay.
The urge of escaping SG just keeps getting stronger.
Honestly, I am back to an extremely vulnerable stage in life, whereby watching any movies, can move me to tears, or make me laugh like a crazy man.
Jus terribly unstable now.
I don think I am even thinking straight at times. I am like living in a world of fantasy.
I need a life.
I need to stay focus.
And I need myself back.

201208, SAT, 2138hrs

Counting down to the day where a new phase of life starts.

2008-11-30T01:12:00.000-08:00

Yes, i am back to compain!! hahaz..
i did try to pack, and i am halfway there already..

Did my last shift today at the cafe.. i am so going to miss workign there.
jus love the ppl, and the working environment..
well well.. thats life..
people come, and people go.
I am jus one of the many who is leaving..

back to bitching about the amount of stuff i have.
i Did a rough tabulation of the amount of clothes i have. haha.. i shall list it..

~4 Jackets and 1 Blazer
~9 Cardigans & Vest
~8 Button Down Shirts
~10 Long Sleeves Tee Shirts
~8 Polo-tees
~10 Singlets
~25 Tee-Shirts

Those are only the tops. haha.. the list continues..

~6 Pair of Jeans
~1 Jumper
~2 Formal Pants
~2 Short Shorts
~6 Berms & Dancing Pants
~2 Track Pants
~4 Board Shorts

and those are the bottoms..
haha.. of course its not the end..
i have various random stuff like..
~Scarfs
~Ties
~Belts
~Pyjamas
~Socks
~Underwear..

yes yes..
and the list go on..

Basically, I have more stuff than expected, and i now face the problem of putting everything into one huge luggage. but well. i will work on it..

And yes, i have quite a few Bags too!! lolx..

talking about bags, i bought myself, my very 1st LV bag as a graduation gift.
yes its authentic, and yes its not cheap.
but i worked for it.. so yeah, jus a form of reward..

enough about packing..
i am now in school trying to upload the photos i have taken in the past few months on to facebook.
reason why i am in school is because the internet is a lot faster, and friendlier.. and i get less distracted.. lolx..
Thats all the crap i have for now.
Its the last day of NOV already.
One more month, and its gonna be 2009 already!! OMFG!!

301108, SUN, 1935hrs.

Feeling totally carrie bradshaw and SATC.

2008-11-27T04:07:00.000-08:00

I really should be packing my stuff, for it to be brought home soon. like really soon.

Time flies, and the holiday period which i am having, is kinda of over soon.

As i tried to pack..

i really did try..

it started to amaze me, how much stuff i actually do have, for a guy. lolx..

and i started to relate myself to carie bradshaw from sex and the city.

the clothes and shoes that i have, is like all i am worth.

i literally have no savings. and thus, these are my next most prized possessions. lolx..

and i did take a few photos to share wit u the amount of stuff i have, of course, its not really fantastically, jus some snap shots.

This is the awesome wadrobe i have in my room. its really huge, but its jus nice for me. haha..

and i have decorated the exterior. so every morning, i wake up to some beautiful images smiling at me..

But when u start to open the wadrobe, the nightmare begins..

i need to have a disclaimer..

I AM A GUY!! SO I AM ENTITLED TO BE MESSY!! lolx...

jus check out the interior of the not so fierce wadrobe..

And before i carry on wit clothes, i didn't realise i have so many foot wear, until i out them all together. lolx.

and there u have, i have a total of 8 pairs of shoes.

I don even noe ihave 8 pairs.. like seriiously.. i so wanna name them..

1.) Adidas shoes for dancing (Blue, with orange strips.) believe it or not, this was a birthday present for my 20th birthday, and it has been wit me for ages.

2.) Springfield Sneakers (Springfield is one of my favourite brands, but it is not available in AUS. I bought this pair of sneakers b4 i flew here, cause they were realy comfortable. But the original white colour, is almost gone, cause yes, i don have the habit of washing my shoes. lolx.)

3.) Black Leather Shoes (Leather shoes are a must have for men, due to many occassions that u will need to wear them. I got this pair in AUS from a shop called BETTS. i love the shoes they have, its pretty nice and affordable.)

4.) Cotton on shoes (its cheap, and its red. thats why i bought it. the end of the story.)

5.) Army Boots (hahahahaha.. i brought it here so i can wear it to work. Its slippery in the kitchen and stuff. I threw away my safety boots away, so the army boots was the next best thing i have, and i don have to pay a single cent for it!)

6.) Asics black high cut shoes with golden strips ( 22d Birthday present from the frens in AUS. And yes, i am still loving it.)

7.) Adidas running shoes ( i bought this pair of shoes, right after i sign up for gym membership, to motivate myself to exercise. and yes , i made very good use of it.. i didn't put it to waste. I love adidas for its comfort and style.)

8.) Adidas High cut, sand and Maroon colour ( Yes, as introduced earlier on, this was one of the birthday present i go this year by my frens in AUS yet again. lolx.)

On top of the 8 pairs of shoes, i have 3 pairs of flops..

2 from Havianas, and 1 which was also a gift from my colleagues, that has the print of the Australian flag on it. it was so funy.

but well..

jus the foot wear alone, i think i already outdone a lot of other guys that i noe. haha..

and guess wat, the footwear alone could already fetch me about $1k.. lolx..

i am prety happy with wat i have. i never worry about not having any shoes to wear, or to match wit my clothes.. haha..

wellwell, tats all the crap i have for now.

jus try to see how much clothes i have.

but i am too lazy to count. jus too much.

and yes, to sidetrack a bit.

i got back my results yesterday.

and i didn't get straight distinctions this time.

the fucking paper which i was so worried about, didnt give me any problems as i passed it, and i got a 5 for it.

it was really the downfall this semester..

te other 3 courses gave me 2 high distinctions and one distinction.

which was pretty decent.

and i my overall GPA was still kept above 6.

at 6.25 now.. i think.

and yes, i am in the dean's list, which is most important..

i am trying not to think about it, and focus on being happy cause i am graduating soon. reall soon. haha.

I am quite a survivor afterall..

Good Job SunShine.

271108, THU, 2227hrs.

A holiday, which is not really a holiday.

2008-11-23T04:09:00.000-08:00

I haven blog for a while..
despite being on "holiday period".
lolx..

there is a lot running through my head. despite being on holiday..

well, i still work occasionally at the cafe..
i have to settle some tax refund stuff, which i am close to giving up. its jus irritating.
i have to "try" to meet up wit aussie frens, which i am also giving up too.
cause planning time wit them, pisses me off.
well, and i need to start packing which i haven.
time flies when u r relaxing.
don ask me why..
can't the time relax too?! why must Time work so hard!!

oh ya, btw, i have ordered a LV bag for myself..
and i was really excited when i oredered it, like 10 days ago..
but today, i feel damn sian alreayd.
its like the bag will never arrive in time, and i will not be able to buy it.
it sux. cause i wan it so badly..

and the bag is pretty ex, but i calculated the amount of money i earned here as a casual labour,
and it total up to about $6k.. so i reckon, all of these money will be used to pay for my bag, and the 3 trips i took here to sydney, melbourne and cairns.
but well, i must say it was all worth it.. lolx..

i am so lazy to pack now.
i have so much stuff, i noe i should get started really soon..
but then really.
i reckon its all clothes i am going to bring back.
i can like, open a stall soon..
and i am someone, who finds throwing away clothes extremely hard.
they are like my babies, even those cheapos one. don ask me why.
i jus don like to throw them away.

well.. thats all for the random stuff in my life now..
having mixed feelings going home to SG now..
its pretty scary.
having the pleasure of my own room here, things will be different when i am back.
i was even thinking, if i should stay over at my dads place, if things got bad.
like, i can't stand being in the same room as my mum.
nothing wrong wit her, but well, me being a scorpio, need a lot of personal space..
especially when i am like already 23 this year la.

AIyah, all these, i shall worry when i am back..

and At the moment, i am home alone, cause all 5 of my other housemates, have all left.
damn it, its quiet and lonely.. seriously..
damn sian..
but well.. lets hope things will be better tomolo..
i must learn to be positive..

231108, SUN, 2245hrs,

Go Scorpio!!

2008-11-12T07:48:00.000-08:00

Talk about mood swings..
I was so freaking depressed a few hours ago..
and now i am feeling so much better.
lets jus share some reasons why..

was chatting to a new scorpio fren i made on Facebook..
lol.. sincere and nice guy..
and he is already attached, so we are jus plain frens, to share and chat..
and he is one of the most positive scorpios, who was so patient in cheering me up jus now.
i swear, i am like the total opposite..
Inpatient and pessimistic.. lolx..
but well, i must say it was nice talking to him..
i haven even met him in real life actually..
he is in Singapore..
and he works as an accountant.. lolx.. scorpio and accounting. that is so not matching..
yes, he was one of the reasons i feel better..

the 2nd was, i was chatting wit a mate who has also finished her exams today, and we both took the crappy exam together..
and then we were trying to not talk about the depressing exam..
so we switch to horoscopes..
and as she said, i noe a lot about libras (cause my ex is a libra), she wan to noe more about scorpios..
and she send me this link..
http://www.elore.com/Astrology/Study/scorpio.htm

And after reading it, i must say it has a very accurate despcription of scorpios.
and after reading it, i feel empowered..
like, yes i do have all those strong qualities in me..
and i noe i can survive all these crap..
and i jus wan the old me back..

Strong, Ambitious, Extreme, Motivated..
Where is the scorpio inside me?!?
I noe i am more than who i am now..
and i noe i can be a lot more, and a lot better.

so i am pushing myself to stay positive (although its hard, cause its jus me to be negative)..
and i jus need to push myself harder.. forward,..
through this crappy phase..

131108, THU, 0205hrs

Disgusted.

2008-11-12T04:16:00.000-08:00

I am disgusted wit myself..
I am disgusted wit the paper i took today.
I am disgusted by the fact tt i am risking a fail today..
I am disgusted by the fact tt even if i pass, its only going to be a "4"..
I am disgusted by how lousy i feel now..
I am disgusted wit the feeling of depression now..
I am disgusted by how all this is ending..
I am disgusted by how i even let myself end up in this state..

121108, WED, 2219hrs

HAPY BURFDAE.. AGAIN..

2008-11-06T07:11:00.000-08:00

Yes, a year has passed..

and b4 writing this post, i went to read wat i wrote last year.

its the same thing whereby i bitch having to study during my birthdays..

cause my birthdays are always during the exam period..

damn sian la..

and moreover, had a paper today, and i actualy woke up late, and was almost late for the paper..

bad bad experience.

but thank god, i was alright..

but jus tired..

did literallyno studyng today..

and was really grateful and glad that my mates in ipswich planned a surprise birthday for me.

despite being quite popular here *ahem*, its true, i really never epect any kind of celebration, cause like half the ppl here are having exams tomolo.

except for some other few, who are more free...

and i was playing boardgame wit my 3 of my groupmates, and also answering phone call from SG, wishing me hapy birthday..

so when 12 am struck, and i don even noe it is already 12 am, i heard a group of ppl singing HAPY BURFDAE!!! and yes i was touched..

i was thinking, they should be stressed out of their brains now, or they should be sleping..

but they al made the effort to come wish me happy birthday..

touched touched touched..

and one of my mate commented "its like the whole ipswich is here"..

lolx... cause there was realy quite a lot of ppl, and was glad to see everyone smiling..

the whole atmosphere, was jus filled wit stres previously in all houses..

so.. done wit 2 exams, and 2 more to go..

and they are jus crucial..

but i have no mood to study.

had made plans for diiner, for the next 2 days..

and i am jus gonna enjoy myself..

I bought myself a pair of adidas limited edition high cut shoes last weekend, and my frens decided to sponsor me, and treat tt as a BDAY present for me.

and i don mind.. since i am not really a surprise kinda of person..

and i noe wat i wan, so its easy to get presents for me..

i will tell u wat i wan.. lolx..

And on top of that, got a new tee-shirt that says "Straight" on it.. lolx..

and also a sash, think pink colour, and says, "happy 18th birthday"..lolx..

i swear these 2 galfrens who got me these, really noes wat ticks me, and makes me laugh..

so yeah, had a great time generally..

"Move on, Be strong, Stay Focus & Love everyday."

i wrote this on my blog last year.. and i decided to post it again..

and yes, i feel like i can do it..

i am so blessed...

071108, FRI, 0124hrs

Misery Loves Company.

2008-11-03T02:50:00.000-08:00

I haven blog for ages, but i am doing it now to kinda of de-stress..
Jus an excuse to slack actually..

Final Final exams in like 2 days..
This semester has been a hard one.
Maybe its jus because i have lost focus, and not try as hard as i could.
The possibility of straight distinctions, are like so so so... sad....
I am not that bad..
but i don wan to be average.. or jus good..
i wan to be great..
to be extraordinary..

but i have obviously let myself down this semester..

No doubt, i must say, this semester has also brought a lot of frens closer to me..
I am always blessed to have special ppl around me..
The poly mates that i have here in Aus wit me, are still great, and caring..
and no matter how rarely we meet one another, i realised, the bond is still as strong.
similarly, this semester i have also tried to improve my relationship wit some of the other frens in uni..
yes its very PR of me.. but then, its jus a natural thing.. which i can jus naturally switch on.
and lets jus say its god gift that, i can easily attract ppl to me..

As my life as an under grad draws closer to an end, the feeling of uncertainty strikes..
its really scary..
the feeling of uncertainty that i hate..
and also.. the life here, that i have got use to..
will change when i go back to Singapore..

But i reckon some things never change too...
the ever cynical and perssimistic me..

jus yesterday when studying wit my housemates, she said this very familiar sentence which i have long forgot..
"Misery Loves COmpany".
and i was like.. OMG.. i haven heard that for such a long time..
and i did feel less miserable these days, despite having to slave under those books..
cause i believe, at least the exams, kept me focus on what i am doing..

and when i tried not to think about it..
as i was jus listening to random songs from my play list, the song "Misery" by good charlotte played, and there it was again.. the line..

"Misery Loves Company.."
and blah blah blah..

it was then i realised misery jus knocked on my door again..
and yes, like a gentlemen, i invited misery in again..

But this time, maybe, perhaps, i know how to handle Misery better..
After all, it has kept me company in most parts of my life.

I should go back to studying now...

Way behind schedule..

I will do it..
I must do it..

031108, MON, 2105hrs

The breaking point of depression scares me.

2008-10-16T21:02:00.000-07:00

jus a couple of heart felt words.

i met him yesterday..
the complicated guy i was dating a while back.
i haven seen him for ages and everything was great.
dinner was great and we both laughed. a lot..

when it comes to night time.
i wanted to kiss and make love to him so much. jus like b4.
but he said no.
and i noe it was hard for him to say tt..
i wanted him so much, but eventually, i understood how he felt.
and yes we went to sleep together, on the same bed, wit me hugging him.
and thats all.

its a very special feeling.
the bond we shared..
its like we are both in constant depression. and we jus try to hold it at that level.
we don wan it to get worse, but neither we wan it to heal..
the mood swings of extremem highs and lows..
the feeling of us, never being understood.

I left this morning..
feeling yet another different person..
like i had mentioned, i had change so much in the past months, i have lost the "me".
and yes, i realised its not over yet, its like i am still changing, evolving i should say.

there's no school today, and i had a whole morning to do stuff..
i went to school to youtube, and watch the shows i have wanted to.
no drive to start on the essay that is due next week.
and at 1pm, there i was sitting in front of the TV, watching oprah..
only now, ellen degeneres is on another channel.
so i had to flip channels the entire hour.
i realised how i can laugh while watching ellen, and the next second, start to tear watching oprah.
the mood swings i had is getting out of control.
and more even so when today;s topic on oprah was on Depression.
At the end of the show, I started to tear again..
Its like..
i have to admit i suffer from it..
i can't say its serious..
but the symptons...
the feelings..
i feel it all..
its scary..
and its hard to compromise, cause i always convince myself that i noe myself best, and i can handle it.. its all jus part of growing up and changing, hoping it would make me stronger.
and then, there was this discussion of a breaking point..
and it struck fear in me..
i wonder when will mine be..
depression like all diseases, has a breaking point, where it jus overtakes and kill you..
and the thing wit depression is, it plays wit ur mind, so the brain uses your body as the weapon to kill urself..
and there u have it, the breaking point = suicide..

its scary to think about it.. really..
i have had the thought b4, but honestly, its pretty much under control most of the times..
but its very real, wat if one day, things jus spin out of control?
will anyone even notice it?
the smile on my face, the fierceness in my attitude..
is that all jus a cover up? or to convince myself i am alright?

i have no idea..

i want to share more stuff but i have to go for now..
working later, so i have to go get lunch, and also keep my laundry and stuff..
the troubles of staying alone, u jus got to do everything urself..

171008, FRI, 1414hrs.

my emo confession.

2008-10-15T02:51:00.000-07:00

A few days back, i was feeling fucking emo.
and instead of blogging, i send a fren this e-mail..
when i read wat i typed..
i realised it was kinda of powerful..
well, jus to share part of it..

"I was pretty lost a while ago.i don noe why.i don think its because of my dad..
but then, this semester when i came back.many things changed.
i lost myself basically..
i lost a lot of what i believe in, and i lost a lot of who i thought i was.I jus felt like i need to pour out how i feel..
so please spend some time reading..I feel like a failure..
cause i am never able to keep the promises i made to myself.
i lost the drive to do well in school.I lost the ability to love like i have never been hurt before.
I lost the discipline to not sleep wit you, and many other ppl whom i should not have slept with.
I lost everything,
i jus felt like i lost me..
this feeling, is incredibily scary, cause i jus don noe what to do wit myself now..
i can't believe what i have changed into, i have basically jus changed into someone, whom i realy hate.
i mean, if i were to meet myself now, i am so gonna hate myself.I feel ashame when i think of the past me..
and i feel ashame thinking of wat is going to happen to me.i thought i could go to sleep and wake up different..
but as the days go by, i realise this is jus not happening..

I really do enjoy the attention u give me.and i appreciate the gift u got me.i mean..
all these means a lot to me.cause i am really extremely lonely and lost here..
in this cold, pathetic, miserable room in ipswich.
No matter how happy, or how much a sunshine i am to people's life,i realised maybe all tt was jus an exterior..
I still wan to do well in my final semester.
and i am so worried for my exams.there is this report due on WED, and i am not even putting in enough effort..
my group is depending on me to lead them, but i have really disappointed them this time round..
i feel sorry for myself, and i feel really sorry for them.
i hate disappoing ppl, but i hate disappointing myself more..
I must say i am an emotional wreck..
really unstable now..
and when one of my fren from SG told me that she envy how i could see the world, and she miss seeing me in the dance class..
i realised, maybe the happiness i was looking for..
has always been there at home..
my frens, my life, and my family..
i jus never appreciated them..
Now, i jus feel like a huge part of me is missing..
i can't find it, and i am very scared."

yup. tts all for today.
feeling emo reading wat i have typed..
i can't belieeve myself..

151008, WED, 2004hrs

I Never should have let u.. Let me go.

2008-10-09T06:08:00.001-07:00

ANother emo nite for me..
I jus wan to blog, hoping that things would be better..
or at least make me feel better.

I started watching gossip gals a few weeks ago after much persuasion.
and i honestly, i finally have some time to do the stuff i wanted to do.
was on to my 10th episode tonite, and i must say it is a great show.
not because of the gossips, or the sex or the bitching..

i like desperate housewives and grey's anatomy too cause they always have these fantastic voice over b4 and after the shows that related really well for me..
and i jus feel for it.
more often then not, feeling emo about it..

welll today's episode, was one of the best i have seen so far, and i jus wanted to share it here.

It ended wit the last sentence...
"I never should have let you, let me go"
then the song "apologise" by one republic played.. and the voice over starts....
"It is often said that no matter the truth, poeple see wat they wan to see.
some people might take a step back and find out, they were looking at the same big picture all along.
some people might see that their lies, have almost caught up to them.
some people may see, what was there all along.
and then there are these other people, the ones who run as far as they can, so they don have to look at themselves.
and as for me, i can see clearly now, xoxo gossip girl."

i watched the ending part so many things.. and i felt like i was going to cry.
only hoping that i could cry..
the feeling of emotions building up inside of me, but i jus can't release it..
last nite, i went to bed early for the 1st time in a long time..
and i remember me choking up, thinking about things b4 i slept, and i thought i was going to cry again, jus like in the past, when things were bad, and u jus cry urself to sleep.
but last nite, i couldn't even bring myself to tear anymore.
everything is jus cooked up inside of me.
is that part of growing up too?

i miss her so much... but then.. i see her everyday.. well almost everyday.
like today, everything was jus fine. as usual.. nothing special..
2 frens.. 2 groupmates.. and jus 2 seperate person...
even though we are close to one another, i jus feel extremely distance to her..
There are times, when i thought maybe i should jus try harder.
but thinking about the incident wit her GF, jus upsets me, cause i really don wan to do anything bad.. its jus bad karma..

but when suddenly one day,
she jus starts talking to me like b4..
and we could hang out more..
and when i realised that the wall paper on her laptop is no more her GF and her, but some other photos..
i start to wonder, is this really time for me to act again?
was she hinting me about anything?
or rather, issit jus me over thinking things once again?
i don noe.. i jus don fucking noe..

Ever felt like u have found the person u wan to be wit, but he/she jus don belong to u.
i reckon many had this feeling b4.
and this sucky feeling, jus happened to me.. and i must say this hasn't happen for a long time..
Talking about greatest love in my life. i don think i have much. well maybe i am still young.
or maybe, i jus don fall in love that easily after all..
and i am jus stubborn at the things i can't get..

I miss her so much now..
i wan to be wit her so much now..
and i wan to hug her to sleep so much so much so much...
but all i can do now, is to keep hoping..

091008, THU, 1131hrs

Post Cairns Depression.

2008-10-03T21:34:00.000-07:00

The last post was short..
cause as i was typing, i was interupted by a phone call, and i had to leave for my fren's place.
stayed over at my fren's place, and then off we went to cairns together on MON monring.

Spent 4 lovely days in cairns..
Loves the taning.
Loves the Sun.
Loves the Great barrier Reef.
Loves the seafood.
Loves the Clubbing.
Loves the feeling of jus relaxing.

Along the trip, my fren M kept asking me if i enjoyed it.
and yes i did.
but then, it was back to the last post whereby..
i still miss like something is missing.
my frens are nice to hangout, and although these are not the closest bunch of frens i have.
i must say tis trip wit them, is still great. and we had a lot of laughter together.

But i really wan to spend time wit her.
jus her..
doing things together.
and enjoying each other's company..
Pretty impossible now i guess..

I remember b4 leaving for cairns,
we had to finish up some work..
and we had to tabulate the results of some surveys and research we have done..
although she was in my group, she didn't came to my place to do the tabulation, cause she stays really far away.
so for both nites, its only me and some of the other group members.

For the 2nd nite, as some of my mates were out in the city shopping with her, and i had to work..
we planned to meet at nite.
as usualy she was not requried to come due to the inconvinience..
but she gave me a pleasant surprise..
jus a simple gift...
2 krispy kreme..

it actually meant a lot to me, cause she said, jus in case i got hungary doing work, thats why she bought the doughnuts, and asked my mates to pass it to me when they got home.
well, i messaged her, for the 1st time..
something that is not work related.
jus to thank her for the doughnuts.
but seriously, i don think it meant anything much to her..

things are complicated..
more often than not, i hope tt i can be wit her.
but then.. i always think i am not ready for a relationship. as much as i wan one.
i think i jus simply have committment issues..
but i reckon most guys have committment issues.
its not jus saying i love u, and staying monogamous.
i do think a lot of effort, time and emotions have to be invested in a relationship.

As much as i hate being the lonely single now..
I oso do noe tt, when i am wit someone, i am probably going to hate the fact tt i will lose a lot of my personal space an time..
and that wouldn't be fun too..
I am jus contradicting myself.

watever it is..
i got a feeling tt she seems to be less attached to her GF now..
or maybe its jus me who is thinking too much.
and so wat if she is single someday.
will i still wan to be wit her, like i do now?
life changes, ppl change..
things will never be the same again.

041008, SAT, 1444hrs

Its all about her...

2008-09-28T07:01:00.000-07:00

I still have my favourtite Mika song "Happy Ending" on repeat mode, cause i love it.

Especially when i am feeling all emo. like now..

Here i am sitting, in my room.. waiting for a fren..

yes, its suppose to be exciting, cause i am heading off to cairns in a few hours time.

to visit the great barrier reef and stuff..

the things that i have always wanted to do.

but then. its the long lost feeling of.. " i wan to share this wit someone",

jus as i thought i am feeling better and stronger..

i start to crumble thinking about her..

my heart sunk..

i miss her..

after so much pretending..

i guess i am jus kiddin myself...

280908, SUN, 2357hrs

Utter Disappointment in my results.

2008-09-17T05:44:00.000-07:00

I am such a wreck.
I did so poorly in one of my mid sems, i don even noe what to do now.
I did not fail. I got a 4.
which is like a pass only.
technically speaking, its like a 62.5 out of 100.
its like the worst i have done ever in my whole uni life.

I hate myself now.
I wan the old me back.
the sunshine.
the fighter.
the competitor.
the one and only.

it has been a rough semester.
i am doing 4 courses as usual, and i have gotten some sort of assignments back for all 4 courses.
and NONE of them gave me a 7. which is a high distinction.
have i really slacked off tt much?
wat happened?
i still try hard. but i guess its not hard enough.
am i too complacent?
it is so saddening.
a 4 for this dreaded course called financial reporting.
and all 6s for the other 3 courses.
i am jus banging on my final exams, and the other projects now.
i really do hope i can pull myself back in this one month time.
and be ready for my final final exam here in UQ.

HATES MYSELF FOR NOW.

170908, WED, 2318hrs

Start of week 9. Nearing the end of the race.

2008-09-14T23:52:00.000-07:00

Ok.. i noe i jus posted an entry, that i have typed like one month ago, cause i was re-reading it, and it says the end of week 4..
and here i am, the start of week 9..
seriously, how time flies!!!

I am so busy, i totally lost track of time..

Life was hectic, and busy..
I think i am so tired to the point, i lost the motivation to do well..
and i just lost everything i had..
like the old me..
My room is in a mess, I am in a mess.
I am tired of school, tired of work, tired of myself.
So many things happening, but nothing when it comes to love and affection..
or even companionship.
yes great frens and company at times.
but i still feel like something is lacking.
i am more then halfway through the last sem already.
i jus can't wait to go now..

hooked on this son by Mika now, called "happy ending".
it is so saddistic..

"This is the way u left me, i am not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory, no happy ending.."

seriously.. i am such a wreck now..
i am waiting for the day, when i can wake up from this nightmare..
goodbye for now.

150908, MON, 1700hrs.

Isn't everyone a little cynical in some ways?!?!

2008-09-14T23:48:00.000-07:00

Cynical.

The word used to describe me by my ex..

"Why are u so cynical?", was the exact phrase he used..

I must agree with him..

the real me..

VERY CYNICAL..

there is something that i don like ppl to do to me..

and that is taking my mobile phone, and looking through it..

If theY ask me for it, i will still say no.

i think cause i have too much secrets in it..

well not exactly secrets..

but stuff i don wan ppl to see..

alright.

let me share a few messages that i store in my phone.. and i jus can't bring myself to delete..

this is wit the aussie that i like. the one who has been on and off.. and the one who still holds a special place in my heart.. these are some of the things that he sent me..

and reading them today.. still brings memory back to me.. loads of them..

here goes..

23/10/2007... 2113hrs...

"i made it home, and i can still taste ur sweet kiss. goodnight."

he sent me this after he drove all the way to ipswich to send me home, and then drove back to where he stays. We shared a long kiss in his car b4 i was willing to get off.. and till today. i can still remember his kiss too..

07/11/2007... 0726hrs...

"Happy Sunshine day, dear sunshine. TWO DUCKS!! mm. quack quack yummy. hug and kiss from you not-so-secret admirer."

This was sent to me, early on my birthday last year.. very special.. i had a smile on my face the whole day.. i swear.. this message showed how sweet and cute a person he was, despite having a cold exterior, and hard to get along personality.. i was 22 last year, and he said 22, reminds him of 2 ducks.. and thus.. the quack quack part.. and also, the not-so-secret-admirer part, was because we really had a connection then.. and i must mention again.. during dinner that nite, i had screaming gals on the table, cause i had a super huge delivery of flowers from him too..

and yess, the gals were terribly jealous that i got flowers.. and that is when i realise when some gals like to receive flowers.. it really feels good..

06/05/2008... 2148hrs...

"goodnight sunshine, from dark stormy grey."

ok. nothing special about this msg.. but it was wat happen b4 that.. a little too rated.. but we haven met for like months apart.. and we shared a lovely dinner, at our favourite restaurant.. and we made love at his place for the 1st time.. ok i already said its rated, so don read if u can' take it.. to continue, i mean we have made out a lot of times, but not exactly to the point of making love, but this nite, was really special.. the connection we had. maybe its because being apart made us yearn one another more.. maybe it was a pity fuck.. maybe it was jus us being horny.. but i must admit, it was one of the best i ever had, cause i only feel the high when i am making love with someone i really love.. and he was one special perosn in my life..
he gave me a lift to the train station after that nite, and he sent me this msg whne he got home..
it was emotional for me.. so much emotions, jus don noe which one to feel..

25/05/2008... 1730hrs..

"i can't sunshine, that's too late.. and i've met somebody new, so even tho it's nice to see u, i couldn't do the kissing and hugging part. hope u enjoyed the movies"

2 weeks after i met him, i went for a movie, somewhere in the central, and i thought of meeting him after tt, cause i missed him badly.. and wanted to hug and kiss him good nite.. so i msged him to ask if i can drop by after my movie.. and this was the reply i got..
heart broken.. was wat i felt...
i thought we had something special going on.. and then i convinced myself it was a pity fuck..
and then i saw his facebook profile.. a picture of him, and another person.. he was smiling.. so happily.. and i told myself that its over.. to move on..

i think that is enough messages to share.. but i do have more in my mobile.. so don steal it.. its filled wit my cynical messages...

i wan to change topic.. cause i am random..

today marks the end of week 4!! OMG.. WTF. next week is gonna be week 5, and my string of deadlines will arrive..
and yes, the 1st assignment for F&B, i scored 9 out of 10.. which was totally exciting.. not a great percentage, but it was a great start, and it totally kicked me off for the semester...
and i noe i am going to do well this sem...
i need a good GPA when i grad.. i wan to be in the dean's list..
i wan to be the smart but closeted himbo..
or should i say, the beauty wit brains. lol....

i am tired.. and i wan to wake up for my gym routine tomolo..
i am still quite motivated.. to get back into shape.. i hope the difference can be seen by the ppl around me when i return at the end of the year..
I wan the face of an angel, the body of a devil, and the brains of a genius...
hahahahahahahahaha..

THis post was like written weeks ago, but the internet at home has been real crappy..
so i can only post it now..
infact, i think i wrote it one month ago.. haha.
thank god i saved it..

150908, MON, 1650hrs

End of week 1, Start of week 2. Time flies.

2008-07-27T09:06:00.001-07:00

I am blogging now in a state where i am almost dead..

worked for the past 2 days like crazy, like i clock about 16 hours for both days.

which is quite a lot.. cause i haven work so hard for so long..

but i must say wit the hard work, comes good money too..

this weekend marks the end of week 1 of school!

OMG.. that is so damn fast, b4 i noe it, its all gonna be over!

and yes, after work on SAT, i went over to toowong again, styaing over at my fren's place.

i love gatherings wit them.

i love being away from ipswich at times..

the thought of coming back can be depressing.

but i do treasure the personal space and freedom i have here..

it was fun chatting and hanging out wit my "family" here in brisbane, and we slept like at 4am..

and i was very touched when my ex ipswich sista, who jus graduated, and will be going back singapore coming TUE, bought me some gifts..

things that only a true fren will noe..

i love her a lot.. we have a lot of connection.. and we are similar in a lot of ways.

we don believe the cheesy, "u r my best fren thingy",

but we do appreciate the presence on one another.

and the trust we have for one another, is not to be doubt...

i am gonna miss her when she is back in singapore..

well anyway.. had a great dinner hang out wit her and all her good mates in aussie.. which was a table for 12 at a chinese restaurant..

it was all good and heart warming..

it might not feel that good when we were having dinner, but now that i am here typing this, thinking of wat happen jus now.. really was special, and i miss it..

she is reluctant to go back cause she love this place..

i love my freedom here too.. but maybe not this place..

i still yearn for the day where i can roam the world, and settle in differnet places every year..

anyway i am so tired, but returning late from all the fun, means a lot of last minute work too..

like printing my notes for upcoming classes, and thus taking some time out to blog while the printer is churning..

i am taking financial reporting tis sem as an eletive, and i must say..

although i am good wit numbers, looking at my lecture notes now, scares me to death..
OMG>. those extensive tables and charts..

it can be scary when it doesn't make sense to u.. haha..

and i am printing a lot of course and assesement details.

and i really should slap myself awake, and start on those essays..

i noe my groups are simply waiting for me to get thigns started, and i hate to admit, but i am such an attention seeking born leader.. haha..

oh well..

time to sleep cause its like 2 am plus already!! oMG..

and my plan is to wake up at 8 am tomolo to do my laundry for the past week, then head for my 10am class..

upon that, it will be lunch and oprah winfrey...

then it will be gym after that, and probably will be heading for a free movie screening tomolo evening,..

see, i have a life here! haha.. i can't believe how i can make myself so busy at times too.

i am seiously packed like crazy!.. haha...

oh gosh, and i watched X files the movie today, jus simply because mamma mia ran out of tickets when i was there.

it wasn't good. it was too slow and draggy..

but well, it was leisure time for me, and i jus wanna do things that makes me relax i guess..

and not think about school or cafe work..

well well.. i shall rest and look forward to a better week 2 ahead!!

280708, MON, 0218hrs

3rd day of school. and i am still bored.

2008-07-22T23:41:00.000-07:00

Thats me holding on to my dad' s hand.. one week b4 he pass away.

he was already bed ridden, and in a lot of pain at this stage..

did i mention his main cause of death was the collapsed of his lungs, but at this stage he had already got a mild stroke, heart attack, spreading of the cancer cells from the throat to the bones, and even tumor in his head.

Yes, i don even feel like thinking about the pain, to make matter worse, since he got his voice box remove last year, he couldn't even yell out his pain, but the expression on his face, its jus priceless..

It serves as a reminder to not smoke, and also drink less..

I have some questions for my dad after he left, but i don think i would ask him even if he is alive.

well. i am jus confused..

school has started and today marks the 3rd day..

She was in school wit her GF on the 1st day and i bumped into them..

today, i had a project discussion wit her, and her GF was there too..

and when we went to class today, her GF was there too..

How did i feel? Nothing..

How did she feel? I don noe..

How everything felt? Awkard.

ok there was a bloody blackout 5 mins ago, and now i am back typing again..

i swear this place is like some ulu place on earth..

blackouts.. OMG... that is so not fun..

anyway, its also strating to be freaking cold..

i reackon it will get worse..

and today, i had to drag myself out of bed to go to the gym, and i was so late, i only got 45mins left, b4 it closes..

and to my pleasant surprise, there was a really really HOT guy there..

he is like the person in charge, some sort of trainer, but i don use him. and i am too shy to talk to him.. seriuosly.. haha. but he is jus DAMN HOT!!..

oh well.. the only good thing that happen today..

and did i mention, i haven been to the gym for so long, and i think i did too much, i go giddy walking home, and i almost puke in the bath.. haha..

i am so weak.. i swear..

i think i jus need to get into the motion of things for now..

pick up where i left off, and be the same old fighter..

I am tougher then wat i think i am..

As long as i don feel tired... haha..

230708, WED, 1752hrs

11th July 2008. Papa's death anniversary.

2008-07-20T06:10:00.000-07:00

my dad left me on the 11th july 2008..
it was 0425 in the morning, i got a call from my maid, and i got to the hospital in the fastest time i could..
the body that has stop breathing..
i noe his time has come..
i planted a kiss on his forehead. and told him, to have a safe journey, and take good care..

i sat there, tearing... but i didn't cry..

thoughts run through my head..
was it unfilial of me to want him to go?
did i even consider him a burden at times?
i don noe.. do i feel bad?
maybe at times..
instead of blaming my dadfor not being a good father..
i turn to ask myself, how good a son was i?

surprisingly, the last post, was also the last time i had the chance to go online in the hospital.. after 11 days.. he passed away on the 12 day..

the wake was for 4 days, and the 5th day was the cremation day..
it was tiring. but i tried to stay up as much as i can..
jus so to company my dad more when i still can..
lots of relatives were there, most of which, i haven seen for more then 12 years..

and most importantly, lots of frens were there too..
and i really really count myself, extremely lucky..
frens from all walks of my life came by..
and of course many whom didn't turn up, but showed their care in other ways..

the best lesson i guess my dad has taught me was to not smoke and drink..
and i am going to not smoke, and promise myself to drink less too..
i should also remind myself to control my temper better, especially towards the ppl i love..
papa now that u r gone.. a part of me seems to be gone too..

moving on wit the drama i had wit the gal in the previous post..
i replied her.
apologising..
i really am in the wrong..
and i don wan any drama..
cause i still treat her like my fren..
so i jus hope everything is gonna be alright..
shall see her in school soon.. don noe wat it will be like..

today i was chatting wit him.
the aussie guy i dated some time ago..
the one i really loved.. the one we had on and off..
and today on MSN, he jus told me he is attached..
i don noe why, but it hurt so much i teared..

i am going through a lot of pain now..
the reason is because i am always trying to convince myself to let go of the things i love..
includes him..
includes her..
includes my dad..
includes the old me..

i am changing so much.. i don noe wat i have become..
the heartless unfilial son..
the horny bastard who sleeps around..
the career driven and ambitious guy..
the bitch in his own life..

when i left SG..
i didn't cry. in fact i felt relieve..
cause i thought i could runaway..
but i didn't manage to..
i am jus stuck in my own misery..

all i feel now is misery..
i am cold and lonely..
and yet, i am still trying to convince myself..
if i wan to make it in my life, i have to endure and push through..
cause tis is wat i have to sacrifice in order to gain the success i wan..
i don noe wat to say anymore..
i am fuck up..

200708, SUN 2348 hrs..

Time doesn't heal all wound, they jus give you scars.

2008-07-09T20:09:00.000-07:00

i have been back in singapore for 11 days..
and i have been to the hospital for 11 days too..
this is way to depressing..
infact, i was strong, and mentally prepared in the beginning..
but i jus don noe wat the fuck my dad is holding on to..
and maybe i am feeling tired, and maybe i am jus go damn Sian..
but this whole situation has thrown me into a mild state of depression...
and it really sux..
it doesn't help when u stay alone, in a cold and dark house..
it was much better back where i can live wit my mum and grandmother.. it really makes a lot of differnce when u can wake up to the ppl u love.. and as much as i hate nagging, the fact that there is someone there for u when u need to talk, is jus extrememly comforting..

As i go through this stage of my life.. i noe its gonna be a great learning experience for me..
the possible passing of a family, and the cruelty of staying alone..
Its more then u can imagine..
Its like as though living alone is not sad enough, they have to take someone away from you.
oh well, thinking of this, scares me and numbs me..
the path i have chosen for myself.. the possibility of me slaving for a good career and education, will most probably throw me into this situation again, especially the living alone part..
i am disappointed at how bad i am coping wit such things..
oh well, i could go on and on complaining.. but lets jus change topic a little..

Remember the fren i like.. the gal who was my groupmate, and we jus got too close during the semester.. well well..
every now and then, i will drop her good nite messages and also tell her i miss her.. which is totally true, and i don do it all the time, i do it when i really do miss her..
i feel that i jus wan to tell someone how i feel, and be honest about it, cause u never noe when u might not have the chance anymore...

the same goes for last nite, and it was jus a hope u r doing well, and i miss u kinda of msg..
and FYI, there are times i address her as galfren, like i do to many of my female frens..
like "galfren" in a bimbotic way, and i did the same thing in the msg too..
and guess wat, i didn't realise her partner was wit her in brisbane, and she somehow saw the msg cause she probably was using the phone, and she shot me a reply back.. and i so wan to share this here...

"Hello *my name*, this is not *my fren's name* and neither is she your galfren. and yes, my galfren is very good wit me here. though i doubt she misses you. and i hope your dad is in good condition. so take good care of him and don't worry. i'm giving my galfren the bestest care she'd ever ask for. Kindly not message her again. oh *my fren's name* said hi"

in my current stage of mind.. it wasn't a pleasant msg..
wit the bitchy me, i would have shot back a msg immediately telling her many displeased i have.. which includes..
1.) I noe she is not my galfren.. but this "galfren" thing is jus the way i address a lot of other ":galfrens" i have, she really shouldn't feel insecure about it
2.) and u r not even my fren.. how can u say that she doesn't miss me.. its so in denial, i would have nothing to say if my fren typed this msg and she said she dodn't miss me.. but its not even her.. wat a loser...
3.) and honestly, i don care if she misses me anot. the fact that i msg her is because i missed her, and i don expect that in return.. and i have all the rights to tell someone i miss them.. and tis applies to the many frens i have too..
4.) the part where i was told to kindly not msg her again is the part where i thin i ought to get most pissed about.. cause the sad fact is, i still have to see her for the next semester.. and i will probably be doing 2 projects wit her.. and i am seeing her like a lot in school.. and how can i not msg her.. and moreover, like i said, its my perogative to msg anyone i like.. if my fren really don wan it to happen, then she could have told me herself.. she really was no one to tell me to stop messageing my fren...
5.) and the bitchiest part of hers was, after everything she said. she actually included the part where "my fren says hi". that was so unncessary..

ok ok.. i jus wanted to bitch here.. so i don get angry or anything. jus need to vent out my anger..
i haven got to replying her. and i am still wondering if i should.. cause its like i think i should reply, cause its jus not me to not retaliate. but then again. i am not quite in the right state of mind and mood to do so...

actually this whole situation has got me thinking a lot...
i mean 1st and foremost, i so belive tis is karma..
and its jus me being a slut again..
and then i was wondering how i would react if i am in her shoes..
and u noe wat..

i don think i will care that much if i am her..
i remember previously when i was attached.. my partner did get a lot of attention from other guys, and they wanted him more then a fren too.
and i jus stayed the way it is, like nothing happens, cause i jus have simply too much trust in my partners.. and i think my greatest gift to them is me being faithful, and i oso expect them to be faithful too.. if they were really do things that are wrong, i noe i am in no wrong, and i haven failed them in any way..
and also.. if things were to go wrong, it will sonner or later without that trust..
and lets jus say, i think i have too much confidence in myself and my partner too..

well previousloy, my partner did happen to do something wrong. but it wasn't to the point where i can't forgive him.. so i was alright wit it..
and the thing was, he jus felt so guilty, he had to own him to me..
and wit that, he manage the still keep the trust i had for him..
cause if he were to deny and lie to me. i think i will find out sooner or later, and things would be a lot uglier now..
well watever it is.. most would think i am a bad partner.. who don seem to care, and treasure wat i have.

but i still believe in the trust policy.. cause thats how i see things.. and i wonder if that is mature or immature of me..

this post is getting a little too long. and i shall end here..
the daily hospital visits, the cold lonely house i live in, and the weight i had put on has made me so depressed these days..
i so need to get out of all these soon..

100708, THU, 1151hrs

crazily watching SATC. i am so loving it.

2008-07-07T20:16:00.000-07:00

I have been living in a fantasy.. a fucking fantasy of my own..
I have been crazily watching sex and the city TV series.. and lets jus say I am loving it..
I think I am born American inside.. I like their lifestyle, and I jus like being them..
I noe I haven been there, and wat I say might nmot be true..
But I am jus so influenced by them.. the cold hard truthful Americans..

One of the episodes in SATC speaks of questioning ourselves, and living in denial VS reality..
It was close to my heart..
I question myself all the time.. like I once said, my life is like a “sensitivity analysis”, also known as the “What if” test.. whereby u basically jus keep asking what ifs..
I hate uncertainties.. but the more u hate something in ur life, the more it will happen. That’s what I realised…
So many things and happenings in life where we can learn from..
For example, one of my aunty was talking to my sis today.. and to cut the matter short, the main point of the story was…one of my nephew who is now in sec 3 is studying in some boys school, and his parents, who are my cousins is terribly afraid that he is gay, cause he is hanging out and staying over at his frens place all the time… then my aunt said to them “the more u worry about something, the more it will happen”.. but all these in hokkien, so translation by moi…
And I so got to agree wit it.. remember the times when ur mum or dad often tells u don do this, and actually, the more u will feel like doing it.. the defiant stage..
And so the same in life, the more u detest and resist it, the more it will happen.. and my aunts logic was to tell their parents to stop forcing him to stop meeting his frens and stuff.. in fact, my cousins should welcome his frens to their place to stay over instead, and they should get to noe my nephew’s frens too, instead of worrying about this whole gay thing..
And I am like.. that is SO FUCKING TRUE!! I love my aunt.. she totally enlighten something in me today..
Same thing wit the SATC I watch today..
Why should we keep asking ourselves questions, and doubting ourselves, when we should be living in the fucking reality.. all these questions are jus us in denial of the true facts sometimes..
We jus simply got to face the cold heart facts.. even though it hurts most times..
Here I am sitting in the living room of my old house.. where I spend the 1st 11 years of mine growing up..
Its really really weird sitting here alone in the nite.. a little scary, but rather jus uncomfortable. Too much unpleasant memories.. the walls, the broken door, the crappy toilet..
Everything jus seem so familiar.. everything I want to forget, it jus keeps forcing itself into me.. the unpleasant memories of growing up here..
The condition wit my dad is complicated, and I don think I wan to share it in this post now..
In fact I haven posted the other post, so I am jus typing all these down in words, and then gonna post it some day when I feel like it..
I so fucking know wat I want in life.. but the fact is, its hard to achieve, especially when I wan someone to share my life with, and thus the someone has to have the same thoughts of me..
And wat is the possibility of finding someone wit the same thinking of mine.. I am so ambitious, and I expect ppl to be ambitious too.. honestly, I consider myself an over achiever sometimes, and I do expect my partner to be the same.. but its hardly the same… and is love gonna be enough to change me, I seriously don think so, given the narcissist in me.. I am jus a selfish prick..
As I type, I get more confused, questions flood my brains, my heart crunched wit the thoughts of uncertainties..
I think I should go get some sleep..
Last but not least, the over achiever is pretty satisfies wit his results this semester.. 2 distinctions, and 2 high distinctions…
Better then expected…

030708, THU, 0153hrs

On my way to the airport.. again.

2008-07-07T20:06:00.000-07:00

I know I haven blogged for a long long time.
In fact I don noe wat to say anyway..
Jus came back from Melbourne last nite and I must say it’s a beautifully wonderful city.
If I have to stay in Australia, then it would definitely be Melbourne.
I jus love it there..

As I arrive in Brisbane airport late last nite, at bout 11 plus, I had no more train, and then I had to call a fren of mine o drive me back to Ipswich..
It was then I really count myself lucky. Cause I really do have loads of frens who are willing to help me, more then I am willing to help myself..
I think I am in a shit hole situation now..and I can still remain so calm, cause not only I have learn to escape from problems physically, I can now do it mentally, by jus blocking it away from my thoughts..
I am so tired.. Deprive of good rest. And yet another flight back to Singapore in 2 hours time.. and my sis is going to pick me up from the airport, straight to the hospital to visit my dying dad..
I am disgusted by myself sometimes on how I can cry so easily when watching a movie wit ppl dying, or jus reading some stuff, and ppl die, I jus feel so emo..
Then now when it comes to my father, I feel so emotionless, I feel nothing.. I wonder if I don noe how to feel anything, or I jus refuse to feel anything..
I guess when I touch down in SG an reality sets in, then I will feel everything all at once.. then I will be too overwhelmed to do anything..
I am scared actually.. but I hate the feeling of being scared… so I train my mind to think otherwise.. distracting it by reading self hep books to strengthen my believes is a form of escape..
Watching movies and shows that are inspirational to motivate myself and be postitive, is also a form of escape..everyday, I find ways to keep my mind working in a positive state jus to convince myself everything is gona be alright..

More often then not.. I will doubt myself.. am I doing the right or the wrong thing??
People around me often advice me by saying, I shouldn’t think too much.. jus be strong..
BUT.. how can all this be possibly good?
I have learn to think less tis period of time. And I jus feel that it’s a form of escape..
I have learn to be strong tis period of time, and I feel so cold in my heart, and u noe wat. The ppl around me seems to care more for my dad then me..
I could see some of my frens feeling so sad for me.. but I don even feel as much as them..
WAT HAVE I BECOME??
I got no idea.. I am typing tis on th train ride to the Brisbane airport, I don noe when I can get to post tis since I don think I will have any internet connection until I get back, and apparently, I need t stay over at my dad’s place which is near to the hospital, so I can visit him more easily..
That house, that my dad stays in, is where I had 11 years of unpleasant memories.. and lets jus say I am really not looking forward to..
I am so tired now I better catch some sleep.. that’s all for now..

300608, MON, 1154hrs

Standing strong and tall is much harder then it seems to be.

2008-06-19T07:23:00.000-07:00

Last SAT, a fren of mine passed away, as since in my previous post.
yesterday after exams, like i had a stuper full lunch, which was damn good.. and i didn't even eat anything else after the lunch for the whole day..
then i got my haircut, and it was one of the best cut, cause the hairdresser was jus hot, and she is jus professional..
and i went to the gym to sweat it out too.. wanted to go dancing, but it was raining, and guess i was too tired, since i got up at 6 am that morning for the bloody paper..
BUT. at nite, my mum called to tell me, my dad only has 3 to 6 more months to live.. that is the bad bad news that totally dampen my mood.. sad yes, disappointed yes.. SIAN, ULTIMATELY LA!!!!!

its like life has decided to play another prank on me, since the serios of unfortunate events that happened a few weeks ago..
and tis time, the serious of unlucky happenings is like getting worse, and i am truly jus getting worried about anything under the sun..
today, went to the city, and then spent some time wit my close mates here in aussie and told them about my dad, and they said i looked and sounded too calm to be serious..
which i agree. i jus said i had to go back to Singapore in july, cause my dad is dying soon.
its my duty to go back, cause i am his son, to bid him a proper farewell..
and when he is on his deathbed, i am probably not going to be by his side..

which makes me feel worse, of course i don wan him to die, but the fact that it is going to happen in this short period of time.. and i jus got a fucking string feeling it is going to happen at an extremely wrong time.. like when i am flooded wit assignments, or during my exams, and will totally screw up my degree..
not that i am blaming dad. i am blaming my life.. i jus don understand why must fate do tis to me repeatedly.. it hurts me.. i don wan to pity myself..
i have worked so hard to be strong, independent and driven in life..
i have overcomed so many obstacles in life..
i have not given up, cause i am a fighter..
and tis is when i ask myself..
is fate asking me to stop fighting? its not my destiny to be someone great??
why the physical pain i suffer?
why the emotional strains i go through?
why do i have to be punished for being successful in life?
why must i trade an achievement, for the hurt inside??
why must u convince e to give up, time and time again..
wat lessonb have i not leart?
have i not tried to be better?

so many thoughts run through my freaking head everyday..
especially b4 i sleep, and wheni wake up..
in the course of the day, i drown myself in my daily life.. wit the help of frens and work..
but now that school is over, i have less to be concerned about.
and these stupid thoughts is creeping up into my head..

well..
sharing of these thoughts, while bathing jus now, i decided to do something really brave.
i called her. the gal i like a lot..
i miss her so much, and i think about her so much everyday, now that i don really get to se her anymore..
and i told her i like her.. a lot.. not jus as a fren..
and she was like. oh ok..
i don noe wat to say..
it was a bit awkard, but i guess we both laugh it off.
then i told her it was seroius..
then it got really awkard..

reason why i did that..
i am jus afriad i wouldn't get to do it anymore..
i am trying to do the things i always wanted to do..
like meet the ppl i wan to meet, and talk to the ppl i should be talking to..
the lessons in life, is to not wait till its too late..
and recently i got to noe a guy from HK, who is here to work for a couple of weeks..
nice guy whom i chat, but haven met..

he is a scorpio too, and i jus can't deny we click..
he send me tis e amil which generally talks about life by telling a story.
morale of the story is..
wat humans treasure and want most is the "wat is gone" and "wat is unattainable"..
and they jus work so hard to achieve and get them, but they are jus unattainable, and jus gone already..
wat humans don realise is that, the thing to treasure and want most should be "wat we have now"..
like the family frens and stuff we have around us now..
and we shoudn't always focus so much on wat we don have..

simple story, simple logic..
but too bad, i must agree so many ppl, jus can't see through this philosophy.. and that includes me..
i jus try so hard in life to get those things that i never had.. and make my life really hard..
i am jus confused wit a million and one thoughts in my dead now..
i think i better get to sleep..
the nite is so cold, quiet and lonely here. i am scared.. i am scared of losing myself..

pls make tomolo a better day..
i haven give up yet, and i am not planning to give up..
i will still cross my fingers in hoping tomolo will be a better day..
To the person i love, i hope she feels wat i feel.. but she is attached and i feel like a slut.
but we are humans, and i am entitiled to love too..
but i was never quite given the chance to do so..
the Sun will shine again someday..

200608, FRI, 0108hrs

I will Miss You, RX LIM.

2008-06-15T03:07:00.000-07:00

Last nite, i had a rude shock.

received the news of a fren leaving us..

leaving us behind, as he make his way to the other world..

i will never ever get to see him again..

i wan to dedicate this post to him..

We were never the close buddies, BUT, we never fail to enjoy each others company..

although we never shared deep secrets, we both noe our paths cross in more then one way..

i 1st knew him back in TP, when i join the CO..

i was not popular then, a little infamous..

but as things got better, i got to know the seniors better, including him..

it was also at TP when we 1st shared the stage together..

then slowly, i went to this place called cheng san CC.. whereby he is an extremely active participant in the orchestra.. and then, over there, we shared even more performances together, and slowly, we even went out together in groups.. and he was so much fun.. the smile on his face, always present to make our day better..

as i got enlisted for NS, i wanted to go for audition at MDC, and he was great help to me, when i got to nee soon camp, and he came all the way to pick me up from the guard house.. it was a terrible 20 mins walk, and he made the effort, it was a day i never forget.. i was grateful..

and as i had the honour to be part of MDC, we continue to share the stage even more now that we are part of the chinese instrumental ensemble..

we see each other everyday for that few months b4 he ORD..

and we had really fun outings..

we had so much nonsensical memories and we jus simply spend so so much time together..

when he ORD, we missed him dearly..

I soon lost the connection wit him..

we still acknowledge the presence of one another.. but we no more chat that much..

but still, he never fail to smile, and that made a lot of difference in my life..

he was a nurse, a final year nursing student at NYP...

last nite, i asked myself, why must such a great, nice and frenly guy, who have helped so much ppl in need, be the 1st to leave among us..

HOW IS THIS FAIR?!?!

I have never lost a fren this close to me..

and it feels weird when i can do nothing..

i can't even see him for the last time..

it hurts me to noe that i will never ever see him again..

i didn't even manage to say a final goodbye..

i feel so painful, to even think about his family...

i feel that this post deserves a first time, where i finally post a picture of myself.. and of course, wit him...

The last time i saw him..

18th January , 2008... as we wore the performance attire and getting ready to perform for the NYPCO annual concert..

the final performance wit him.. the final time i saw him..

nevertheless, the smile on his face..

never forgotten..

Have a save and smooth journey, goodbye for now, we will meet again someday..

Rest in Peace, RX LIM..

150608, SUN, 2030hrs

I killed my straight distinctions today.

2008-06-12T05:27:00.001-07:00

i am bored, and i don really have anyone to talk to..
and actually, i don really feel like talking to anyone..

was reading back some of the post i made, and i can't believe how random i am..
my post neer really quite make sense wit the title, and it always starts and end at 2 really extreme ends of the world.
but guess thats me for u..

had my 1st paper today. and it was cost accounting..
i think i failed myself terribly..
like most accounting papers, i didn't had time to finish..
4 main questions.. and i only confidently finished 2..
one was a flopped, and i totally wasted time on..
it is thos when halfway through, u realised it all doesn't make sense, and u jus have to finish it anyhow.. and that was wat happened..
the last question, was so rush, i didn;t even had time to look through wat i wrote..
and more often then not, i jus pluck numbers from anyway, and everywhere, cause i really didn't had time to think.. and to make matter worse, i punched the calculator like i was playing flight on the bumble bee with the piano.. meaning, i hardly even noe wat i was punching, as long as the number that it gave me back look reasonally sensible..

that was how i flopped my 1st paper tis semester..
can i pass this course, no problem.. can i get a 7, totally impossible..
can i get a 6? highly unlikely after today..
i think i have to settle for a 5...
btw, a 7 is a high distinction, a 6 is a distinction, and a 5 is jus a credit..
i am very close to stright distinctions this semester, and i jus blew everything today..
it is so demoralising, i don even noe wat to say..

and i have always had a weak body.. it didn't help when i have been facing a lot of bowel problems this couple of day..
during the 2 hour paper today, i had such a great urge on going to the toilet to shit, and i jus had to hold it.. and it was terribly distracting.. i really hate my body.. it jus don work wit me all the time.. and then when i refuse to go, since i already had no time to finish the damn paper, it kept growling, really LOUDLY!! it was so embaressing, the guy beside me must have thought i am really SICK.. i swear..
and wit the toilet experince, it always always happen when i am anxious, i jus need to shit or pee, so i always go to the toilet b4 an exam, or b4 i perform on stage, and still i get it.. i jus don noe wat to do some time... whenever i focus realy hard, the body jus have to come out wit something to distract me..

i don noe wat am i doing here now..
i feel sad, i feel confused, i feel beaten, and i feel sick..
studying these few days made me really horny, don ask me why..
i am shocked by myself too.. but its something u have to attend to, or ur brain jus refuse to focus..
i should be preparing for my next paper now.. Hotel technology..
the course is the one where i am closest to a 7...
and i really really must get a 7 to pull my GPA up now..

current GPA from last semester is 6..
its pretty good, but i really wan something more then a 6.. which means i must average like 2 grade 7s now to be able to pull it up..
all these results thingy is driving me crazy..
and the hotel technoogy paper is 4 essay questions in 2 hrs..
its not easy at all i swear.
Try writing NON STOP for 2 bloody hours.. thats how scary it is.. and u r racing against time the whole 2 hours.. writing boolets of answers..
a lot of ppl say i am kiasu cause i jus write a lot.. but then, i jus feel its never enough..
i am so scared now..
if i can't get a 7 for this course, then i am not even sure how the other courses are going to turn out..

why am i crashing at the end now??
help pls.

120608, THU, 2248hrs

Random thoughts i had while studying..

2008-06-10T07:36:00.000-07:00

I have the urge to blog.. i don noe why.. and i bloody well do.. cause if i don, i will jus think about it the whole time..

Studying makes my mind wonder like crazy. and i have bad dreams at nite.. and i jus can't get to sleep well..
exams in 2 days. i am counting down.. and i am the crazy sort that plans my time so well, i can hardly follow through.. wat a shame i noe..
and i wonder why, but PPL ALWAYS think i am studying damn hard.. either in my room or in the library, when the matter of fact is, my mind is actually somewhere else.. i swear..

let me share some random thoughts i had today when i studied cost accounting in the monring, and hotel technology in the noon. how boring i noe.. nite time was spent having a super long dinner (which includes shit load of bitching) and then back in my room, chatting wit ppl, and indulging in my daily porn.. and surprisingly, i hardly have any sexual urge, which can be a bad thing, cause its jus not me to not be horny.. well wat ever it is.. back to the random thoughts i had..

I wonder if i am really lonely, or if i had spend too much time wit her the past 3 months, but i think i have kinda of fallen for one of my group mate.. and yes, its a SHE!
BUT.. did i mention, she is a lesbian.. (i can hear the whole world laughing at me)
honestly, i don noe if she is bi or plain homo.. but all i noe is that she has a GF who is a butch..
and no, she is not the manly kind.. she is tall, slim, pretty and kinda of bimbotic..
but her sillyness is realy adorable.. well but watever it is.. i thought about the women in my life, and more often then not, they end up in 3 different categories...

The 1st is the Fag Hag category, who adores me to be bi, or might jus consider me gay as we basically have no inhabitions.. i have a couple of fag hags and they are the gals who realy don mind me talkingn about the guys i had in my life.. infact, i think sometimes, they are interested to noe what i do wit them.. lolx.. and also, these fag hags are also potential back up spouses whereby we can probably us get married to one another, and don mind cheating on one another..
and this great fag hag which i had known for like a decade, always joke about how we can share the same guy, given the same taste in guys.. watever it is.. its nice to have fag hags..

The 2nd category are the sisters.. very similar to the fag hags, BUT they literally treat me like a sister, meaning, they jus simply think i am female.. not that i like it, but i don really mind, cause i don really care how ppl look at me..
sometimes, we call each other "galfren" and sometimes we call each other "jiemei"..
and also some particular ones which really became my "godsister". a little cliche, but it did happen to me, cause we were so bloody close...
wit this category of gals.. its not so much about wat i do wit the guys in my life, BUT about the other gals in our lifes.. which equates to ALOT OF BITCHING!!!!
and we do BITCH about EVERYTHING UNDER THE SUN!! from the food, to the person who jus walk by, to the colleagues we work wit, and even about how bad sex can be.. watever it is, these are my beloved Galfrens/sister/ jiemei..

The 3rd category is the Crooked category, whereby these gals are either homo or bi too..
and we jus click, maybe because of our sexual orientation and we can jus talk about anything.
in fact, i realise i can talk about anything, wit anyone.. as long as i am in the right mood, and state of mind..

so since most of the females in my life, falls into this 3 category, how am i suppose to find a potential partner..
As much as i have been screwing a lot of guys, and i have datedonly guys so far for the past few years, my interst in gals is still there!!
i swear i am bi, and there is no way i can change that..
and i must agree, sometimes, it will be better to be jus straight or gay, but too bad i am not!
and being bi, makes things very complicated, like for example, the type of porn i feel like watching everyday.. i need a lot of HOT guys, screwing hot gals..
too much gay sex turns me off, too much pussies oso turn me off..
and i am picky, cause straight porn only turns me on, if both sex looks good.. sometimes, the gals are HOT, but the guy is some old shit. and that turns me off like crazy..
well i could go on about my preference for porn, but i will leave that to some other time..

but to the topic of the gal i like...
i was i studying wit some mates in uni today, and i jus had to urge to tell them i like her, but i didn't.. i don noe.. but sometimes i jus keep thinking about her..
and some said i probably spend too much time wit her the past 3 months working together, thus i am jus not use to not seeing her these couple of days.. well.. i don noe..
its jus complicated. and it doesn't help when i know she has a GF she loves dearly back in Singapore..

oh moving on.. i was watching Oprah today, and its about this couple trying to quit smoking, and its yet another good show. very touching, and motivating.
"children are affected not by the way their parents treat them, but by how the parents behave infront of them"
This is so bloody true..
matter of fact, i don really remember how my dad treat me, but my most vivid memory of him was how he use to hit my mum, made me a 2nd hand smoker by puffing away at home and behaving like a Egoistic bastard..
Watching oprah today, made me think a lot about my dad..
he is old now, and probably only have a few more years to live.. and my mind jus suddenly wander to the day of his death..
and i was thinking of wat has he done for me as a dad.. and wat have i done for him as a son..
and i guess it was close to nothing in both ways..
i felt pathetic, then i tried to make things better by telling myself i had learn from him..

I detest smokers, and I really hope everyone around me could jus stop smoking.. he affirmed me that i will never smoke in my life.. cause he had throat cancer, and lost a lot due to cigrattes.

I hate to hit ppl, and i don really remember myself getting in a real fist fight wit anyone..
i fight wit my wits and mouth, bitchy as i might get, i hurt one mentally, but not physically..
might not be a good ting afterall, but lets jus say the physical abuse he inflicted on my mum, have caused me so much emotional hurt, no one has any idea the pain i went thorugh, crying my lungs out when i see my mum hurt by my own dad. and when i say hurt, it is almost on a daily basis..
and i will NEVER EVER forget the day when my mum who is a sales executive who sells sofa, had to spend so much time putting on shit loads of make up to cover the black eye my dad gave her the previous nite, so she could continue working to raise me..
It was painful.. till today..

I hate egoistic ppl.. especially guys..cause they remind me of my dad..
i must admit i inherited some of this ego problem.. and i have a hard hard time fighting it.. unlike smoking when i can jus say no.. and i can jus say no to fighting..
My ego, always gets the better of me.. and i let it take over me..
Pride is a sin that i indulge in all the time..
a fortuen teller once say, my biggest enemy is myself, cause i can overcome a lot of difficulties in my life, but i can hardly overcome myself, and control myself..
this i had no choice but to agree..

chatting wit some frens yesterday, i asked them..
"wat will u remember me as when i pass away?"
i noe its depressing, but i asked cause i really wan to noe the answer, and i wan to work towards becoming a better person...
CRITICAL, was the word..
he said i was too critical..
i said i was honest..
but then i was told i was too brutel wit honesty..
and thus made me way too critical.. and also bitchy at times..
but i don say things to hurt ppl, i say it cause i really mean it..
if someone is fat and ugly, that person should noe the truth..
if someone is stupid and lazy, the person has to noe it..
then someone said i should do it tactfully, and wit some encouragement, he did say that i have improve my way of tackiling this issue, meaning i am less critical as compared to a few years back, but i am STILL too critical at times..
so i should continue working on it..

well well.. to conclude this post, cause i am getting tired, and i should be studying, if not resting,
i jus wan to say that my mind is magical.. u have no idea the journey it brings me though daily..
and as i share these thoughts, i must say it is only a small part of wat i have been through today..

i noe i think too much.. but thats my brain.. and things like this.. cannot be helped at times..
nitez sunshine..
work hard pls, cause u are so close to doing really well this semester, tomolo marks the real sprint this semester..
the LAST and FINAL week for this semester.. 1st paper on THU.. and i must do well..
i still have some time.. i still have some energy left..
i hope its enough..

110608, WED, 0110hrs.

Cold, Lonely, Stress & Miserable.

2008-06-09T02:08:00.000-07:00

I am back. wit some bad news..

Exams in 3 days time..
1st paper, cost accouting..
and that was wat i tried to study today. woke up and idd breakfast, then started studying at 10am.. only to fall asleep at 12pm..
woke up at 1pm, and watched oprah and do lunch, then continue studying, only to fall asleep at 5pm again..
woke up for dinner.. and i am stil studying cost accounting.
OMG.. i swear studying puts me to sleep..
AND the fact that i am feeling all cold, lonely, sad, emo and despearate, jus made me feel miserable..

I am having this immense craze over guys wit blond hair and blue eyes now..
thanx to King Peter from Narnia, and upcoming model, Tyler Bachtel, this craze has become an OBSESSION!!!
i swear. and as i recently got to noe some guy who have this feature..
i jus can't wait to bed him..
and he isn't my 1st anyway..
Oh Boi. the pleasure of staring into a pair of crystal blue eyes.. That is Driving me crazy!!
And i am so distracted, as i find myself googling and ogling at my wallpaper who is now filled wit the picture of Tyler Bachtel..
this model is ONE HOT THING!!!
He is only 23 and he is my height too.. BUT HIS EYES, HIS FACE, AND HIS BODY!!
He is indeed a gift from heaven.. haha.

oh well..
i am jus taking a break here, cause i seroiusly have no motivation to study. don ask me why.
I am so close to my straight distinctions this semester..
I really worked pretty hard..
and results so far, has been pretty satisfying.
and now at the last leg of the race, i kinda of have hit the wall..
where u jus lost all motivation, and the cold jus made my day worse..
all i wan to do now is hide under the sheets, or in my wardrobe, or maybe jus under the table and cry myself to sleep...

And reading the blogs of my mates in Singapore jus made me feel even more miserale, i swear..
I think its time i get back to some reading b4 i reweard myself wit more TV later..
I noe i can do well, I jus need to find the strength from within to overcome this barrier.
And lets jus say, everything in life now, is jus not making it easier..
How can i even shine, when there is no Sun?
Stop raining, and show me some warmth..
Hug me and look me in the eyes..
All I need now is that one motivation to complete this journey.

090608, MON, 1829hrs

Winner of the Holiday Inn Hotel Technology Competition. THATS HOT!!!

2008-06-02T02:52:00.000-07:00

Won the Holiday Inn Hotel Technology Competition thingy..
was thrilled today..
haven had this feeling for a long time..

had a gooD lunch gathering wit some old frens.. or should i say "family" in oz...
but then, back to reality whereby everyone has to head home to study after that.
and as i wan to reward myself, went to catch a movie at southbanks.
iron man was pretty good, not exactly my kind of show, but still good.. i mean given the budget, and such an experience actor, it should be that good la..

oh ya, prize was a 100 bucks F&B voucher at the holiday inn brisbane.
lets jus say the dining experince wasn't tt fantastic, but i guess the company of great frens made up for the poor service and average food..

wellwell...
me should really start studying, but i got no mood, and i no i wouldn't tonite, so i rather sleep early..
honestly, i am waiting for the reply of someone, to see if we could meet up tomolo..
some person i hope to date and me..
and i jus feel stupid doing things like that when i noe at the end of time, i will be on the losing end, cause nothing is gonna work out..
but i don noe why i jus can't say no to someone who show interest..
its jus me being desperate..
and i must say the thrill of getting to noe someone new is pretty addictive..
there are certain ppl in life which makes u feel that there is so much more in this world then wat u noe now..
people are all different, and i jus believe everyone has something different to offer..
well watever it is, maybe i shouldn't think about it too much.

alright then..
i am gonna feel a little emo now..
will wan to end tis post of a happier note..
thus this shall end here..
Good Job SunSHine...
U manage to shine despite the pouring rain these few days..
I should learn to stay strong and focus..
i am more then wat i think i am..

020608, MON, 2241hrs.

Watching my Faith Slip away. Disappointed in myself.

2008-05-23T04:58:00.000-07:00

I am Lost.. Again. Mixed Emotions..
the feeling i get when i grow up.. like an expoerince.. hmmm how should i put it.
have u ever had the feeling, u kinda of lost urself.. and u start to questino urself again..
and u seem to be jus yet another different..
i have been expeinceing this since young, and i have changed a lot along the years..
but i am getting it again..
this damn feeling..
i hate it, cause more often then not, i doubt myself..

well.. lets start wit today..
work today was bad..
i am not training in the kitchen..
and lets say, my damn interest is jus not in it..
can i survive it, i think i can, but i hate myself, cause i know i can hardly do a good job..
my strength lies in talking and communicationg wit customers..
and workingi n the kitchen, which is more of a back of the house job, sometimes, jus makes me feel crappy..
more often then not, i jus feel like serving the food i cooked, to show the customers, I am the One who Cooked it!! and it took so much work..
well, but its often not the case.
and the kitchen, is jus hell at times.. have never been a good experince for me, since my poly days..

wat else.. well well..
i had this HUGH project for one of my courses, called Hospitality Technology Applications.
Assignment for this course, comes wit a HUGH proposal and a presentation..
and guess wat, my group and i top the course wit our assignments, that we spend way too uch effort and time in.. and i am not talking about 10 groups..
its more then 30 groups, so lets jus say its no mean feat, although, i must admit its less competitive in AUS..
why does doing well mean so much, cause the top3 groups get to present their proposal to the GM of the Holiday Inn Hotel in Brisbane, and moreover, plenty of industry managers and leaders will also be present at this event, where if my group win, lets jus say the recognition is hugh, and we might even get our pictures up on papers..
But guess wat.. 9 days to the final presentation at holiday inn, and i lost it.. the drive to win..
and so did my group mates.. it was weird.. we have worked so bloody hard for the past 2 months, and suddenly, the drive is gone, i think we have overworked..
knowing that we are leading the pack now, jus seem to give us more pressure,, and its a negative strength.. i don noe why..
giving up is not a choice, and i noe i wouldn't give up.
but the thought of the possibility of losing this competition is so strong, it breaks me down..
i dare not even think about it..
its like i jus can't step out of it, no matter how tired, stress and pressured i feel..
well.. i guess i jus have to cross my fingers then.. and push on..

have went to the gym 3 times this week.. which is a terriubly good thing. cause at least i did something tt i promised myself..
i am hoping i can press on, and giving myself till the end of the year, to get the Shit hot body i desperately want.. 6 months, and i better see results, or i will be so disappointed..

anyway life has been crappy..
watched the movie funny movie, some las vegas title which i can't remember which starts ashton kutcher and cameron diaz.. funny and nice movie, my kind of show..
an this sentence made me think..
" i rather be happy doing nothing, then doing something i am unhappy with."
makes a lot of sense, but i jus can't comprehand it some way..
cause i noe i wouldn't be happy doing nothing.. and i wouldn't be happy doing the things i don like too..
so watever it is, i think i am jus hard to please, and i wouldn't be happy.

Results has been relatively pleasing this semester, expect for one..
but well, i wonder if it still matters to me..
and then, last nite when i went to watch another movie "21".
the main character tries so hard to get into harvard med school, only to face financial problems..
and seeing his will to be in the school , and being terribly talented, makes me think of myself a lot..
i am not saying i am talented in everything, but i noe where my strength lies in..
And i wan to do things wit it.. meaningful things.. but i don seem to be doing anything meaningful now..
getting a degree is important, then i slowly lose faith in it, cause i jus don think this degree has developed me much in anyways..
Do i still wan to carry on wit further education, YES..
Do i think i can Make it, I Don Noe..
i am jus getting tied and confused..
seeing things now, affects me big time..
my perceptions are jus so blured..

Tired, is the word to descrivbe wat i am feeling nmow maybe, and i don noe how long it takes to let me recover my strength..
and i noe time is running out, if i don puysh myself in this ast leg of the race..
i will lose the competition and i will flung my exams..
and i will regret it..
but i need someone to help me..
someone, or something.. i don noe..
Losing faith in myself is the worse feeling in the world..

230508, FRI, 2218hrs

If only life can be as joyful as dancing..

2008-05-10T05:18:00.000-07:00

i am desperate for time..
i have so much to do..
ok i have an accounting quiz to settle..
and then i have a 2 thousand word report due in 5 days, which i haven started YET!!
and then i have a MAJOR presentation in 6 days..
then another presentation in like 11 days..
but after tt, there will be some rest time b4 i conquer the exam papers.
haiz. but still, k am so drained..

anyway work at the cafe as moved on to the next level, cause i am not transfered to the kitchen, most of the time..
whcih is damn stress.. cause its like a full kitchen..
wit the deep fryer, the grill, the salamander, the toaster, the MANY fridge and freezers and watever so not.. bascially its jus damn HOT inside.. and i can feel my contact lenses melting at times..
and yes, i always burn myself.. its so irritating, and it jus sux..
well, but i wan to learn new stuff too..
but i am jus so stress now from work, i don even noe i can remember wat was taught at work..
watever it is, i noe i can learn it.. i jus need to focus.. which i can't now..

anyway to make things worse..
my housemates, all of them, jus succesfully piss me off BIG TIME!!
on WED, 3 days ago, they went to get supper and mac and came home at 3.40AM in the morning, and ate at the dining table. which was fine, except they were tlakin so bloody loudly!!
USE UR FUCKING ASS TO THINK!! THERE ARE PPL SLEEPING!! ASSHOLES!!
then last nite, i was so drained of energy from work, and school stuff, i wanted to sleep early, only to be woken up at 2AM again, cause they were playing some sort of catching in the livinig room!! SCREMING!! AT 2 AM!!!! OMG OMG OMG>.
i noe WAT THE FUCK RIGHT!!
its dan childish, and inconsiderate..
so i open my door and said.. "ppl i really need to sleep" then someone giggled cause i probably look like ghost when i woke up!! then i got pissed and i said "its not funny!" and i slammed my door closed.. and the next thing.. every one jus disappeaered into their own rooms..
i wonder if they are pissed wit me too, or are they jus scared now..
i have no idea.. and i don quite fucking care anyway..
why i am living wit a bunch of kids.. they are so hopeless!!

watever it is.. i need to go back to doing work now. cause i need to badly!!
jus wish me luck..
the bad luck thingy has kinda of gone.. but i am still praying hard everything will be fine and turn out smooth..
ok then..

i was quite sick on dancing at one point in time, but i decided to still go for class on WED, cause i am seirously getting tooo fat..
so i had to exercise.. and it was so rewarding.. cause i luv the song and cheoreo!! and i manage to get it.. OMG. cause the instructors style is so different from mine, and i always have problem getting her grove, but at least tis time, i manage to kidna of get it.. so quite proud of myself.
and i noe i hardly post any pictures of stuff about me..
but i guess i should change a little now..
i don noe why, but i think i should open up a little more..
but being a scorpio, i am jus sooo defensive..
well watever. hope u guys enjoy the video..

THat should be all for now, as i wash up my dishes from dinner, and attept my aacounting quiz for the 7th time!! OMG.. its so tough..

100508, SAT, 2231hrs.

Worst Week of the Year so far...

2008-05-01T05:55:00.000-07:00

Let me tell u wat is worse then a shit day..
its a damn fucking SHIT day!!

2 days ago, i blogged about my shit day.. so tis is like the aftermath.,.

1.) i brought my laptop for repair yesterday, and today, upon collection,the fee is 154 bucks!!
imagine my shock! that is a lot of money. in aussie dollars ok!!! even though my laptop is under warranty, the place where i got it repaired is not under ACER!!.. I MEAN WTF!! haiz. but since i was desperate, i jus paid, and they manage to solve the problem anyway..

2.) today, there was a site visit, plus guest lecture at holiday inn hotell..
i woke up early, got ready and left home in TIME..
then the bus came late!.. nvm.. tt was not the worse.. then the train left early when i got to the station!! OMG.. seriously.. tell me how unlucky can one get!!
and since i don wan to be late, and i can't afford to be late, i took a cab from ipswich to roma.. and its cost me fucking 80 bucks!! yes.. the fuckingn long journey cost me 80 aussie! which is like 100 sing dollars can!!!

3.) then when i went to collect my laptop, while walking along the pathway, trying to get to work ASAP, cause i am almost late, i adjusted my shades, and its jus fell apart!! the lens jus came out, cause there was a crack on it!!! OMG OMG OMG!! pls let all these unlucky and damn XIAN stuff to be over soon..

2 days ago, it was the worse day of tis year.. and now, appprently, i think i am going thorught the worse week for tis year!! to top it off, remember the guy whom i dated and is not interested in me.. hmmm.. chatting on MSN pisses me off big time now..
i jus simply hate one word answer, if u are busy, or uninterested in chatting then jus say la!!
its not like i must chat wit u..
wah lao.. these ppl make me feel like shit. i swear.

anyway i have kinda of made up my mid to start gyming..
since dancing here is getting crappy, and i am super not motivated, to stay in shape over winter is like damn bloody hard..
so i ma going to sign up for gym memberhsip and pump it..
despite my hate for the gym..
i realised dancing itself is nmot giving me the body i wan..
yes i have lost weight..
but the packs are still not out yet..
so i promise myself, to be in SHAPE by the end of the year..
and i think i have a housemate to motivate me here..
he is very fit, and he goes to the gym regularly, and he is pretty happy to be gym buddies to motivate me..
haha..
but i can onli do this when everything is over..
too much school work now to catch up. haiz..
i hope i don disappoint them. and myselfs..
i will work hard to get the results i wan..
cause i noe i can make it..
praying hard, the unlucky stuff can jus stop now..
i need to move on. so don stop me..

010508, THU, 2305hrs

Go, Going, Gone, Goned..

2008-04-29T03:40:00.000-07:00

Let me tell you wat is a shit day.

1.) My laptop hang last nite and refuse to reboot.. thinking i might have overworked it, i left it till today and tried again.. but it has officially died on me.. i should be bringing it for repair tomolo, but lets jus say the repair work takes about a week usually.. and i have the hugh proposal to submit next TUE.. and a report after the proposal.. and a lot more stupid stuff..

2.) It was freezing cold today, cause although its autumn, winter seems to have arrived early tis year.. and since i don have a laptop at home, i am so stuck in school, having to do work, and probably walk home in the dark and cold nite later..

3.) I met a new guy today.. singaporean studying here, who is graduating in June.. i hardly meet anyone now, unless i think its a potential partner.. and he was nice and stuff.. but then at the end of the day, i realised he was jus looking for frenship... and he is keen on someone back in SG, and he was jus waiting to graduate, so he can probably head back and be with him.. tell me how should i feel..

Today is officially the worst day of the year so far..
I am so jinxed,. and wat a roller coaster ride when i knew i got a 6 for my accounting test, and a 7 for mthe 1st part of the proposal..
and now, immediately, the world came crashing down.. proving me life is never easy..
jus when i was given a little taste of success..
they had to drown me in bitterness now..
FUCK LIFE!!

290408, TUE, 2046hrs

No One, No One, No One, Can Get in the Way of How I am Feeling..

2008-04-27T07:36:00.000-07:00

I am back to blog.
have wanted to the past few days, but was jus tooooo busy.. haha.
yes a lot of work, but amidst all the hectic schedule.. moi went to club on Friday nite.. which was an aussie holiday tt day actually.
CLubbing was faboulously FUN!! I swear i haven felt this much fun for a long time..
i literally shook my ass off..
and saw a couple of familiar faces there..
but i was high, and engrossed in shaking, i don realy care.. haha.

enough of that..
work is getting a little boring now tt i have kinda of learn most of the front of the house stuff.
i wonder when they will put me in kitchen, which can be quite scary, cause its like a real kitchen, not heating up precooked food only. they have al sorts of stuff, and the menu is pretty extensive too..
well.. but i am sooo lookin forward, i actually asked my mum to send my safety boots and apron from SG to aussie, so i can wear it during work., haha..
and i so wan to share wit u this awesome colleague i have, she totaly makes my day. i swear..
lets call her G...
some of the things G says jus makesme go crazily happy.. cause its so hilarious..
example..

G:tell me i am not weird.
Me: no, u r funny.
G: yeah, weird is for poor people.. i am eccentric.. eccentric is for people who are weird but rich.
Me: hahahahahahaha.. i serously go watever..

and she is such a good trainer. she really leads by example. haha.. and sh stresses on taking ownership,so she jus keeps askine me to kep the place clean. and oso.. her logic of customer service is "OTT".. yes its OVER THE TOP!!
i swear.. they can jus talk to the customers like its thier frens and family. she is sooo friendly.. i so need to learn form her.. and sometimes the conversation goes a little overboard.. i think. for example.. C will be for customer, and G for her..

C: thats all for me. and i have a seniors card. (FYI: seniors get discounts here. unlike SG)
G: stop lying. u have to show me the card (its jus her making fun cause the C is obviously damn old)
C: oh come on, alright (she digs for her card)
G: U don look senior.. so i jus don believe u (I was tyring not to burst out laughing. )
C: here u go, (shows her card to us at the counter)
G: HOW MUCH DID U PAY TO HAVE THAT MAKE! haha. (she keeps poking fun at C)
C: (extremely happy, cause it really made her feel young and she was laughing wit us) oh, u are so funny.

Its not tt funny when i type it here, but wat she did really made the customer damn fucking happy. its like complmenting someone, saying their young, but in a much more fun way..
it sure brighten up her day, and my day too.
i have so much to learn from her.. and i swear i wil so employ her..
another incident goes like tt..
this time, the customer is and old guy and an old lady. like really old. C stands for the old man who did the talking.

(after settling the payment, G will always try to strike a conversation, is there is no one in queue)
G: so how long have u 2 been married?
C: oh we are not married. haha.
G: oh so u 2 are jus frens?
C: well, both of us use to be married, but not anymore..
G: so u two are "frens" eh.. haha.. do u guys have kids?
C: haha.. she has a son.. and i have triplets..
G: OMG.. TRIPLETS.. like 3 sons!
C: yeah. 3 sons, and they are turning 50 this year. (so i can imagine he is probably at least 70+)
(be prepared for the next thing G says)
G: oh gosh, 3 sons, no wonder ur wife died!
(I was in utter shock, cause i really thoughtt was damn sensitive, then the customer replied)
C: oh she didn't die, she ran off wit my best mate (best mate = best fren; its an aussie slang)
(then i didn't noe how to react and the next best thing happen as i stand beside G)
G: (turns to me, and said loudly) OMG, this is like "days of our lives". its so dramatic! (Not realising she is the one creating drama now).
C: (started laughing too, thank god, cause i can imagine he is either damn pissed, or think she is damn funny.. so it was all good.)
G: i am going to prepare ur diner now, so jus take a seat and ur diner will be served shortly.
C: Oh, u r the cook too.
G: yes.. we have to do everything here.. haha..

This was pretty much the end. and yes, at nite, cause it was pretty quiet, so its only her working the back, which is the kitchen, and me, the front. which is cashier and drinks..
but as we were both talking in front due to NO ORDERS.. she jus wanted to take the order and chat wit customers. haha..
i swear there was alot of funny moments.

like she is soo drama and bimbo.. nd working with her is jus so FUN.
and sometime when there is another person in the shift, its usually one of the manager.. cause there are 2 managers. and she is god damn funny and nice too..
PLUS, she is damn pretty. i swear, she is so my type.. haha..
and she is a pastry chef, who makes terribly sinful and great desserts.. OMG.. FAintz..
BUT.. i am not going to date her, jus simply cause she is getting married next year..
WTF.. haha.. and she even bought her partner to the cafe one day b4 they went to the cinema to watch a movie. and lets jus , her partner is a little disappointing..
hmmmm. the manager and G are great frens, so it is great fun to work with them, they jus luv to talk about all kinds of stuff. and its jus hilarious sometimes..

well.. tts about all for today..
it was so u think u can dance finale toady and my favourite, rhys didn't win, a runner up though..
and kate, another finalist.. lets jus say she is so hot.. but she didn't win too..
she is someone i would luv. well, i am still very Bi.. not tt gay, cause i am still pretty atracted to some of the gals i meet in my life. haha.. i noe it..
jus tt guys are jus much easier to date and have fun wit. and i should try to stop doing tt soon..
the winner jack is prety good though.. deserving win la. so not tt upset..

well well.
wat else.. i have been so busy wit school work , and cafe work, i was able to put love and relationship out of my mind for sometime..
until a few days ago, i got acquianted wit someone here in brisbane.
another SG guy, who is studying here, but graduating soon in June..
nice nice guy, someone i would fall for easily, so iam trying very hard not to.
cause i noe if i do, the ending is not going to be tt fantastic.
wat attracted me to him is tt he is kinda of closeted..
i don realy like closeted guys, but he is slighty different..
and he is really a man kinda of guy.. matured in thoughts.. one year older then me. virgo..
well, everything jus seems well now.
might meet up wit him soon.. and i don noe wat will happen.
i m sure i will blog about it, if anything happens.. haha..

all i wan is for someone to luv, and be loved in return..
a warm body to hug to sleep, and a face i can wake up to every morning.
wit more then 22 years of experince, lets jus say, tis is really hard to come by.. and i sure noe how to treausre, if this person ever comes by..
feeling all emo in the nite now..
have ben listeing to my 3 favourite songs now.. non-stop in the backgrouund...

Bleeding love by leona lewis (she is crazily good)
No One by Alicia Keys (Great song to dance and sing to)
Bye Bye by Mariah Carey (A litle Emo, but no doubt, she is still one of the best in RnB. New album out now)

i need to stay focus and work hard..
i noe i can be great.. i jus need to believe in myself more now..

280408, MON, 0113hrs.

I am so Absorbed into my own world, i Can't see Clear.

2008-04-22T21:09:00.000-07:00

"ignoring u didn't make me happy, it just made things easier. but that doesn't mean it's the right thing to do. u can't do everything that's good for u, u have to think of others, especially if u care for them."

This paragraph above was part of an MSN chat wit tt special someone in JAN30.
I have kept it for a long time, and occasionally i look at it.
I jus wonder why he typed me this.
Was it jus to make me feel better, after ignoring me, and leaving me in pain.
Was it the fact tt he still wans me?
Was it me who is jus overthinking things.. i don noe..

Rough time in life again.
School work is piling up and i jus don noe wat to do, escape to choose the lousy way of escaping things. again.
cafe work is fine. and i think they like me. but occasionally when i still make mistakes, i jus can't forgive myself.. especally stupid mistakes like making the wrong drink.
The Worse thing is, i have lost interest in dance.
i don noe why..
i don look tt much forward to dancing again.
its really bad, like a hugh motivation in life is like gone.
i wonder wat it will be like if one day, i jus lose the motivation to look good.
i think tts the day when sunshine is lost.

school today was crappy, had conflicts with my prof and tutor. and i kinda of caused them to quarell.
i didn't mean to, but sometimes i jus want to dig into things, and make things work my way.
occasionally, like today, it turned out to be a little political.
and i jus feel like apologising to my reallly nice prof who seem to be in distress due to these conflicts. i jus don wan to elaborate, but lets jus say, i almost threw up a storm.
and all these jus for a good grade for my paper.
and now, it made me feel like crap tt, after all the effort, i don think i can even get a good grade.

jus when dancing at nite use to cheer me up, it has lost its charm on me.
and i called him. the person who typed the 1st paragraph u see, to meet for dinner, hoping to find solace.
but wat a wrong thing to do. its been more than a month since i last saw him. almost 2 months.
i have learn to be independent. but deep down, i noe tts not wat i wan, its something i jus have to do.
he is feeling moody and crappy too. jus like me. and i so understand tt. he chose to jus hide at home. which i think i will probably will if onli i have one.

i have so so so so much work to do. and i don noe where to start, and how to start. i jus don feel like doing anything.
maybe jus sleep and escape, hoping tt things will be better when i wake up.
but obviously, this is so not happening.
this feeling has been haunting me for days and weeks to come.
i don noe when it will be gone..
issit the stress? i don think so.
its jus my heart tt i can't handle, cause i simply don understand.

230408, TUE, 1424hrs

"U r condemmed by the mistakes u make in the past, if u refuse to face it."

2008-04-14T22:27:00.000-07:00

u noe wat, i am terribly irritated by my housemates..
especially the gemini guy..
being one year younger than us, i expect him to be much more mature. but OMG.. he is jus so fucking childish at times..
me being me, don like to talk in the morning, and when i am chattin wit a fren online, and when i am watching tv.. he jus keeps talking and irritating me.. NON -STOP!!!
and sometimes, when he walks past my room ,and jus call my name, i choose not to hear it.. and ignore him..
and guess wat did he say, he was like, why are u so cold these few days?? I MEAN WTF!!!!
don u get it, u r irritating me big time, and i have been kind enough to entertain u..
and now i don feel like doing it anymore, cause i don wan to be a fake person entertainig someone, when i obviously detest speaking to him..
seeing him now really puts me off big time!! i swear!! i so wan to lock my doors..
ok i jus need to vent out all i wan to say..
THINGS TT IRRITATE ME!!
1.) making the whole bathroom really wet after bathing.. we share the toilet, and whenever he finishes bathing, i can literally swim inside.. its jus so fucking annoying.. i have no idea how he baths.
2.) blasting his music really loud! and tts fine if its nice songs.. BUT, its the freaking same song the whole nite, and its jus not a nice song.. he has bad taste in music.. tt song is jus simply cheesy. nice when u 1st here it, but not after a million times! (he was playing it again, for the 3rd nite today, and i jus told him off, saying i can already sing the song, so he went to off it.) u noe wats bad, he plays it real loud and leaves his door open, and jus hang out at the kitchen, and the whole house can freaking hear the BAD SONG!! anyone who luvs it probably hates it now!
3.) asking me for help.. shamelessly.. for example, i have an extra calculator and me being kind, lend him for his previous test.. he wanted to borrow it again, and i said yes.. then u noe wat he said.. "why not jus give it to me since its extra!" HALO.. pls have some pride.. and u r fucking rich can!! buy a calculator!!
4.) econs test today... and he asked me about price elasticity.. i fucking studies econs 6 years ago!! YES.. it has been 6 years.. do u seriously fucking think i can still remember.. and tts not the best part, after telling him i don noe.. he still asks me again!! and the fucking textbook is right in front of him!!! and he ask me to read the text book and explain it to him!! would anyone even do tt?? HOW STUPID!! and all these, while i was in the midst of preparing lunch, and waiting to watch opera.. tell me its fucking irritating!!
5.) me being nice again, while watching tv jus now.. i asked if anyone wans ice cream, since i am gonna have some, and everyone replied no, including him. and then 3 seconds later, he said, yeah i wan some too.. i mean how indecisive can one get.. jus 3 seconds.. tt is so gemini.. never able to decide.. jus wan to have everything..
6.) asking me more stupid questions.. when we watch "so u think u can dance".. he can comment, "u mean anthony is out already" and we were like "that was 2 weeks ago!!!". WTF.. don act like u watch and enjoy the show. cause u jus simply don get dance. and don try to get involve when u can't . it jus makes u pathetic..
7.) treating me like a tv guide.. is there "friends" tonite?? and me will go,"its sunday, there is no friends."..
and it happened again jus now, "is there "rove" tonite??", and i went, "its only on SUNDAY that ROVE IS ON!!!",..
and the freaking idiot can still ask me, "what chanel is ROVE on?", and he flipped channels to see if its on other channels.. jus don ask me if u simply to trust me.. WTF!!
8.) Don act like u noe me damn well, when u don!! i hate that.. he says he wans to go back to singapore wit me at the end of the year, and transit flight to china from there cause he don like to fly alone... and i told him i got graduation to attend and my family will be here, i don have time to entertain u..
and u said he can wait, he can get a job and kill time.. but i told him he has no where to stay, cause by the time, the bond is over.. and he says he wouldn't have problem looking for a place.. i mean please, can't u see tt i jus don wan u around?? and i even suggested, why not fly back wit another housemate, who is also from singapore, and i am sure she wil be going back in NOV after the exams, rather then wait for me till DEC.. and his fucking lame reply was, i don wan to go back china for so long.. 3 months is too long, and i will forget how to communicate in english, 2 months is enough.. tell me how should i react to tt??
9.) he saw some news on TV and went like, i am going to support the beijing olympics.. there are so many ppl against it, and they are trying to stop the torch relay.. and since its coming to canberra later this month, he said he is going to fly there.. jus one day. imagine spendind more than 300 bucks, jus to be there for one day..
he says he will probably get into a fight there.. and stuff.i mean that is soo childish, i jus told him "you wouldn't make a difference even if u are there".. and wit all tt saying, he still hasn't got a ticket..
and then he went to try, but he could only buy one way, cause he don have money, how lame.. and he never book accomodation.. and he jus don noe how to do anything.. and he keeps asking me for help.. which irritates me.. and guess wat, i don think he is going now, after all the big hoohaa.. FUCK!!
10.) tis shall be the last.. his MSN got some virus and he can't log in.. and he got so angry, and u noe wat he did.. he ask me to log out of my MSN while i am chatting wit my frens, to try to let him to log in. to see if its working... WTH!! and i jus had to do it, so he will leave me alone in my room.. practically invades my privacy..
and after doing so, he could log in, and the virus is obviously in his laptop, and he insist tt he has jus re formatted his laptop.. WTF.. obviously its not clear yet then!! DICKHEAD!!
HHHEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i have so much hatred in me. its jus so bad.. i swear..
and i am starting to hate people from china, cause there is tis idiot in my group.. and i can type a 1000000 million words essay on how he pisses me off big time..
enough of venting my anger..

now back to some good stuff.. i jus finish desperate housewives.. and this episode was really qutie good. basically it ended wit this..
"U r condemmed by the mistakes u make in the past, if u refuse to face it."
and i so agree wit it..
mistakes are there for us to learn, and so many of us jus refuse to learn.. and then it will happen again, and HIT us really hard.. for me, tis mistakes usually comes when its got to do wit relationships, i jus can't handle it..
and wit tt said, i swear i am going to throw a bitch fit at HIM if he pisses me off again.
my scorpio tail is already out, and he is very close on getting stinged by me..

Irritating jerk!! GEMINIS!!!

2008-03-29T02:54:00.000-07:00

Ok. i haven found someone really irritating, until TODAY!!
yes my new housemate.. the guy. who shares the toilet wit me.
A gemini. which already says it all.

he has like one article review to do. and he bitches about it so much it pisses me off cause i have like more then 10 articles to read and then refernce it for my essay, proposal and report.
yes i have like 3 assignments..no infact, more than tt..

and his pathetic artivle review is onli 1500 words when my mininum word count for a single esay is like 200o words wit 10 fucking references.

he took so many bloody fucking days to find an article, when there are zillion of it online.

and he asked me to teach him how to search for articles, after i did, and he said he found ONE. he said he didn't do it my way!! FINE!! do it ur way then.. pathetic jerk.

when i woke up early, did my jogging today, and also my lunch, tt guy jus woke up at about 12pm in the noon. and as he walks past my room, i was youtubing my faviourite top model cycle 10, and he jus walks in and said, "U R WASTING UR TIME!!"
for chris sake..
i do wit my time more then u..
and me being me, i said i woke up a lot earlier then u, and had already done a lot more stuff..
and when i asked him how was his artivle review coming, he was like NOT DONE YET!! after days of TRYING to do.. and BITCHING about it!! OMG, nothing is like done..

i haven done a lot, but i am sure i had done more then him, had a more happening life cause i had went out wit frens, whom he had none cause most of his "Frens" are not around tis holiday break, and i work in the cafe, and i dance too!! my time is freaking not wasted, in fact i lead a very "happening life" here. cause i got so much to do, as compared to him!!

and wats worse...
he walks into my room, touched my things, took my cap, and tried it on, and said he can't wear cap and hats and stuff cause he looks bad..
and then he ask me to try it on (Imagine all these while i was youtubing TOP MODEL!! HOW DARE HE!!)
and after i tried it on, he gave me such a fucking fake smile, i don even feel like looking, and continued watching my top model.
and guess wat, he jus sits on my bed and tried to find topic to talk to when i obviously is NOT INTERESTED!! LAME SHIT!!!

then i told him i wan to go to school after tt to do work.
and the jerk went like "even if u go to the school, u wouldn't be doing work too"
SERIOUSLY!! HOW DARE HE!! and i got so pissed i jus kept quiet and went away.
i so wanted to say this "at least i don have to entertain ur nonsense in school!!"

alright but tt was the noon. and now its nite time..guess wat..
today is saveing the earth thingy, and we are all encouraged to off the lights for one hour from 8-9pm.
and i am all for it since its for earth..
and when i was watching my tv at 6.30, he came to tell me tt we should off the tv too at 8 pm..
FUCK!! its onli the lights boi!!! and he was like, the news said tt we should off the tv and the lights!! OK FINE!!!
then i was like i will use my laptop to youtube then..
and he shut up..
as it turn 8pm jus now, he walked past my room and said i should off my laptop, i got so pissed i asked him to get out, and wantd to say this "the news didn't say we should off our laptops!!"
but i didn't. and i jus shut the door and locked it..

u noe wat, i am so going out to the living room now to bitch, cause they are still fucking watching the tv!!!

fuck those irritating bastards, i am so going to the school tomolo, cause i am sick of seeing his face..
there are so much more tabout him tt irritates me..
like the food issue, where he bitches about the things i eat, and he bloody ell eats way more unhealthy things then me..
its true tt i ear more then u, and i am fatter then u.. but i noe i am fucking more healthy, cause i don eat instant noodles everyday!!
i am onli 2 kg fatter then u!! and i am going to be slimmer then u one bloody day..
u fucking smoker!! die early..

Enough of bitching.. bye.

190308, SAT, 2017hrs

Calling someone fat, doesn't make me slimmer.

2008-03-28T05:36:00.000-07:00

This is often how i feel at nite. like now.
no mood. no drive. no strength. no life.

Emo. seriously emo.

Not acting, not posing. jus damn fucking emo.

its been 2 weeks since i last blog.
here i am again, thinking i should jus update a little.

School is fine. more work coming up.
reports, essays, proposals. i got them all.
how can i forget about my favourite presentations plus tests and exams.
not expecting a lot tis sem.
but i noe i am still gonna be fine.
jus don wan to add on additional pressure.

still trying to consistently dance every TUE and WED, although occasionally, school drains me out so much, i jus can't afford the time and strength to traval to dance. which takes more than 2 hrs to and fro.

got a part time job.
3rd day today at the cafe tt i interviewd for. didn't thought i would get it.
but after some encouragement from frens, i decided to call them, to kinda of pester them, and guess it paid off.
and guess wat, the are paying me A$17 an hour. which is like $22 sing!!
i am happy, and seriously the work, is jus like gelare. nothing terribly bad as compared to the toilet washing i have to do last time.

well. and now the most emo part of the post.
luv luv luv.
the guy who picked me up. the st lucia guy as one of my fren calls him, cause he stays at st lucia.
is kinda of officially dead.
haven seen him for more than 2 weeks.
since the "i don think we should get involve" incident, my heart did die a little.
asked him out on easter, i got rejected.
asked him out tomolo, i got rejected.
so can someone kindly tell me how should i feel??

jus over the easter break, i went out wit a group of gay ppl.
remember the dinner i had wit a hugh bunch of gay ppl, which i really didn't enjoy, yeah, some of them asked me out to club over the easter break.
and honestly, i went because of this cute guy i talked to tt nite.
and wanting to see him badly, my stupidity got the better of me.
cause basically, i noe nothing will happen between us, logically speaking, but emotionally speaking, the desperate me jus can't refuse the opputunity to jus try, and perhaps fall in luv.
but yeah, as i already guessed it, it was nothing. a no from him in exact.
tall, slim, cute and pretty smart.
pretty much wat i like, but not much in common for us i guess.
well, jus another passer by in my life i suppose.

disappointed yes, sad a little, devestated no.

i wonder if i am growing "stronger" through all these failures, or am i jus being "heartless".

some frens don believe how bad things are for me when it comes to relationship, but let me stress.
being HOT, doesn't mean i get loved. ( As U can see, my self esteem hasn't really been affected),
it jus means people are jus scared to be involved wit us. (And i think these people are jus insecure.)

well watever i noe. a lot of slaps on my face now, i can so feel it.
yeah well.. who cares.. how i hope someone can slap me silly and awake.

jus finish watching "mean gals" on TV.
a pretty good show which i must admit i have watched more than a couple of times.
but i don get sick of it.
and then there was this part where the lead, lindsay lohan(who is so jaded now) said these stuff..

"calling someone stupid doesn't make me smarter. calling someone fat, doesn't make me slimmer. calling someone fugly, doesn't make me prettier."

it was something like tt, and i think its so fucking good.
tts why i rather call myself fat, then someone else fat.
i jus hope i can be HOT inside out.
still working on it.
but i must admit food is like the main source of comfort for me now.
and way too much chocolate consumption these few days. u jus can't imagine how i much sugar i am takingin everyday.

well, a long post, guess it will make up for these 2 weeks of disappering.
got to go now, and hope life treats me well.
looking forward to maroon 5 concert next WED wit my uni mates.
byebye.

280308, FRI, 2256hrs.

Weekly Jogging Routine shall start today.

2008-03-13T20:20:00.000-07:00

alright. i am finally back once again.

here i am n a friday afterrnoon, wit no class to attend, and no oprah to watch..

so prepared a bowl of pasta, and a glass of juice, and sat infront of my com..

while reading my frens blog to catch up on the happenings around the world, i decided tt i should blog too..

nothing much in particular, but maybe some updates of my life.

Slept till late this morning, like 11am, and thus when i woke up, i decided to use the long forgotten treadmill the our landlord owns.

and there i was jogging for onli about 25 mins, and covering onli about 2.7km, i decided it was time to rest.

not a lot of work out, but still i perspired like crazy due to the scorching noon heat..

went to cool, down, checked my mail and some daily other routine, and then showered.

lunch preparation was next, and then now here i am blogging.

how random i noe. but tt is life for me in aussie u noe..

some other updates include going for a job interview at a cafe on WED and anxiously waiting for their call today, which they were suppose to tell m if i got it.

but apparently, its already 1.30pm in the noon, and no news yet, i had kinda of given up, and learn not to expect so much.

i am not tt great after all..

so this probably means more job hunting for money.

cause i really don feel good spending my mum's money all the time.

not much of a relationship going on here.

the st lucia guy tt i was dating back last year, and the one who came to pick me up seems to be going through some mood swings again.

i am not really expecting any love to go on between us, but then, when he said the words "i don think we should get involve again", it pierced through my heart.

a feeling i grew accustomed to..

no more tears this time.

jus sighs of disappointment..

but i am trying to get over it, so jus give me sometime.

to think about it, i have loads of other ppl wanting and willing to care for me more than he does.

so why do i still stubbornly stick to him? i don noe..

guess why tis is called luv..

i realised this year, or tis semester, i have lost a lot of my aggresiveness..

like i don push myself hard enough to study and score..

i still study hard, but jus not tt hard on myself anymore i guess.

i wonder if this is good or bad, cause sometimes, too much pressure jus back fires, but now, i think i am too slag..

therefore, i think i should go to school to catch up on my work later..

a couple hours of revision and research.

internet at home is crap..

someone must be Downloading hugh amount of stuff..

so i am quite pissed.

thank god its working fine this afternoon..

room is in quite a mess, unlike last sem when it was more neat.

books and notes pilling up everywhere..

no mood to pack either, and i can jus feel tt the whole place is terribly dirty, which is bad.

I still luv dancing like crazy..

doing it twice a week now on TUE and WED nite.

hoping tt one day, i can dance my life away, forgetting all the bothers me..

alright then..

the random stuff shall stop here..

and i shall pack and go to school, to revise..

i am still elarning to be at peace wit myself.

to not let misery get me, to not let depression get me, to not let stress get me, to not let loneliness get me..

its so hard, but i guess all these takes time and i am taking these few months to learn all of tt.

140308, FRI, 1336hrs

Back from sydney.

2008-03-03T01:24:00.000-08:00

Hey, i noe i haven blog for ages..
no excuse, jus lazy.
have lods of pics, but don noe wat to upload too.

jus came back from a 4 day trip to sydney, which was really really great.
thanks alot to the 2 mates who went wit me, and oso the many great ppl i met in sydney.
which includes some guys i use to date and stuff..
oh well, sydney is jus so much better then brisbane, in terms of "fun" quality..

alright, i need to go watch tv..
so i shall continue some other time eh..
tis is to ensure ppl tt i am not dead yet..

030308, MON, 1926hrs

Back in Aussie, and i am tired of unpacking stuff!!

2008-02-23T23:43:00.000-08:00

hi all..
not all but jus a couple of ppl..

a little lazy these days.
and yes i am back in aussie.. the boring ipswich home..

school starting tomolo, and gues wat, 3rd day her, and i haven finish unpacking my stuff.
terrible i noe..

ok.. lets recap on these few days..
THU nite was the nite i flew off from the fabulous T3, thanx to all the tax money tt we Singaporeans pay..
flight was alright, had company tis time. so it was pretty good, flying alone can get pretty crappy..

upon arrival, due to the relax pace of the aussies, and the arrival of 3 flights at the same time, i was stuck at the customs for more than an hour! FUCKING HELL! i had to stand and carry so much stuf for like more than an hour.. the queue was jus teribly long.. u wouldn't believe, but looking on the brighter side of things, since there were so many ppl, i didn't get my luggage checked at all.. yeah, not tt i have somehting to hide (except some porn), the whole proces of oopening ur luggage is jus tiring, frustrating and embarressing.. don ask me why, but tts wat i feel..

and when i finally got out of the customs, a frenly face greated me..
the guy who also sent me off 3 months ago..
i thought he must be pissed wit all tt waiting, but apprently, he was really hapy to see me, yeah, so no prob..
ride back to ipswich was jus terribly torturing. long, hot and tiring.. i kinda of feel tt i got limited vocab..
and i realised i have problem communicating wit him now! must be all tt mandarin and singlish i used for the pass 3 months.. to think bout it, i seriously hardly speak proper english. haiz..
and he did notice it too, so i kinda of felt terrible for my lousy command of language..

alright, after dropping my luggage, he drove me to the mall, where i banked in the money (this has to be done 1stso do accumulate max interest.. thanx to FM), then had lunch, which i had some kebab.. and then groceries shopping which kinda of tortured him, cause i totally don noe wat to buy, and i don noe wat to cook, and i am simply too tired to work my brain when noon came (i didn't slept during the whole freaking flight..)

back home, chatted wit some of the new housemates..
ok this is the 1st impression tt i got..

the guy who shares the toilet wit me is called Miles..
he was originally from china, but did his high school in germany, and now in aussie for his college..
speaks fluent english, mandarin and canotonese. no german though..
alright looking, not tt Hot, and is a gemini (MINUS POINTS).
and yes, he seems really straight, so tts boring..

the 1st gal i met is a chinese, but born in australia, and speaks wit the very typical aussie accent, which is really hard to catch, so talking to her makes me puke blood at times.
she is ur typical ah lian wit black hair and red highlights.
listens to hard core rock music and can get emo..
luvs the fact tt she uses the word fuck as often as me, and she an be fierce too (straight forward la).. so we are a little alike, but she has much more of the bo chap attitude.. thanx to australia.

And then u have the gal who have been here for already 2 years, and this her 3rd. already knew her last sem, and notjhing much..
a leo who is really fake.. i think..
don wan to talk bout her..

oh then u have the next new gal from singapore.
pretty .. yes.. slim.. yes.. use to dance, a little bitchy.. i mean i kinda of like her, but then everybody likes her cause every guys jus stick to her..
then after a while, u start to feel the slut vibe from her..
but overall, she is still friendly and nice la..

oh then the last gal jus moved in today..
the blur kind of gal and she use to be from Hong Kong..
lived here for more than 3 years, and did her high school here, but her english stil qutie terrible.. haha.. don ask me why.. but she seems nice too..
jus a little shy ( LIKE ME!! haha)..

ok tts about it from my current housemates....

oh and since 1st day was tiring, packing was minimal.. and on the 2nd day, i already met up wit some frens.. i jus feel popular. haha..
well this fren, is actualluy known through someone i use to date here..
then he is realy frenly and insist i go out wit him to meet new ppl, and yes they are all gay..
i am quite reluctant at 1st, cause i am not tt kind who enjoys an all gay outing.. i luv to have mixture of straight and gay guys.. plus some gals..
all gays are jus too boring and bitchy too handle..

well, there was one whom i find nice to chat wit, but not partner quality.
originally from malaysia, but did his degree in perth, and now in UQ too doin his masters in hotel management.. so nowu noe why we click la.
he totally adores my singlish and we jus have more to talk about.. but not a really hot guy..

and then there was a whole lot of other guys from i don noe where, and i don really care.. the cutest guy i felt was a young boi, doin his 1st year in uni too, originally from taiwan, but speaks great english cause he seems to be here in aussie for ages.. and yes i can't stand tt aussie slang from him too..
i can't really remember everyone's name, cause there were like 10 new ppl i am meeting, and some of them are jus not memorable.. but t cute guy is called shawn i think.
some parts of the conversation goes like tis..

shawn: so where are u from?
Me: Singapore.
shawn: oh.. but ur english is really good.
Me: (hangs for a while, and decided to tell him we are schooled in english).. ehhhh.. tts because..
shawn: oh yeah, u guys use english as ur 1st language right?
me: yeah tts right..
shawn: ya ya.. i knew tt.. yup.. (feels a little awkard)..
louis: (kept quiet, cause i don noe wat to say either..)

and then something worse happen.. but this guy i jus can't remember his name..

guy: oh so u r from singapore.. isn't tt the place where they dig up graves to build new houses?
me: (HANGS BIG TIME!! so i tried to act blur) sorry wat did u say??
the other guys: don say tt, its really mean...
guy: but tts true..
the other guys: jus don repeat tt
me: (felt tt i should stand up for my country) i think i heard wat u say jus now, and its true.
EVERYONE: OH MY GOD!!!!
me: so where did u hear tt from?
guy: i read. ( in a fucking bitchy tone, plus eye rolling)
me: oh really ( in a bitchy and i don care tone too)
the other guys: wher did u read that from?
guy: well , jus some magazines..
the other guys : (jokingly) thought u go online to check out wats happening in singapore eveyday. (Laughs at him)

serriously.. how shallow, and bitchy can a group of gay guys be..
i am not straight after all, but serously, this dinner gathering to noe ppl is like awkard speed dating, and i so don enjoy it.
plus i noe i am the hottest among them yesterday, and so many of them ogling at me la!!
i m ot shameless, but serously, the quality yesterday was jus terrible.. too many gals, not gay guys..

my fren is pretty hot too, and when i met his BF for the 1st time yesterday, i was so disapponited, i thought he could have got better.. and they were together for like 6 fucking years!

alright. tts all for now.. cause i am going for diner already..
hi and bye from aussie..

240208, SUN, 1823hrs

I am trying to be Happy. Its a process, and it takes time.

2008-02-16T08:21:00.000-08:00

i have almost forgotten about tis blog..

no not really..
maybe life has been pretty good, tt there are no complains..
and when life is good, i jus hope it last forever..

well.. so wats so good..
i oso don noe exactly..

i am trying to learn to be at peace wit myself.
expect less and learn more.

remember ther movie guy tt i date all the time, cause of all the free tickets i get..
i think i seroiusly treat him like a fren now..
had a hugh fight again over our differences..
guess i was trying too hard to change him, or to help him improve..
had a talk wit another fren over tis issue and she said this tt woke me up..
"Only help those that wants to be helped"
it jus made absoulte sense..
i was jus trying to hard to help him improve, and the problem is, he jus wans to be himself.
and he jus refuses to improve..
and saying tt i am using the wrong approach is jus an excuse for him.
in fact deep down, his heart jus refuse to feel and think about wat i said.
haiz. depressed, but i guess it makes more sense in our frenship now.
jus a companion for shows and stuff..
not going to have anything in depth wit this dude..

well, i should trail back to the better stuff..
chinese new year was pretty good too!
had the most red packets this year.. in terms of dollars collected..
not hugh, but the most in the past 23 yers i guess..
and got to meet up wit ppl i hardly see..
yeah, but i did get sick again this new year..
i jus happen to be sick all the time.
must be all the food la..

oh ya..
talking bout wat makes me happy.
tt will of course be love..
not one but two in fact..

this guy, i met him while swimming..
i often get cruised, i don noe why cause they can obviously se how fat i am..
maybe i jus have tt slutty face, but watever it is, this guy is really a gem.
hmmm, he has one of the best body i have seen.. serously, 10o packs..
so damn bloody well defined.. and not too short, 174 i think..
well but he is a virgo, so a bit boring..
he works as an air force officer, and is totally discreet wit his identity..
but he is a real sweetie at heart, and i noe he cares a lot about me.
things tt are hard to describe..
30 this year, but due to extensive exposure to sun, he looks older then his age..
well, i must say a pretty decent guy..
but everyone has their flaws, and as much as u try to accept it, u noe it is there and it bothers u.
for example, its his language.. bad command of language and sometimes commnunicating wit him can get quite hard..
diffeernce in maturity level, i am childish, i noe. can't help it..
GREAT difference in personality.. well, but we can still get a long la.. so far so good..
well tts bout it for him..

the 2nd guy., noe him for a shorter period of time..
and guess wat, we met at eastpoint, simei..
haha.. saw him on the bus one nite, but didn't get to talk to him, cause my mum was wit me, but we gave each other the look, and he actually smile at me when he alighted the bus, so i noe..
then guess wat! the next day i saw him again..
apparently, tts because he worksat eastpoint too! haha..
and i am there often for dance, so the timing was jus right..
and the 2nd time round, i jus went up to talk to him (i noe i am shameless, but seriously, i think its fate, so better not let chance pass by again).
he is working as a assistant pet groomer and he oso looks older then his age..
he is onli 18!!! OMG.. can't believe it.. i eel so damn bloody old.
he jus completed secondary school last year, and is not planning to study anymore, jus wan to work..
but basically he is jus a child and he hasn;t seen the cruelty of the society..
i am treating him more like a brother now, cause i see myself scolding him, and helping him and guiding him all the time.
he is crazily in luv wit me, i don noe why.
a totaly discreet guy too, cause he is bisexual and never had a BF..
kinda of ah beng guy who smokes al the time, and he is very bothered by me asking him to quit..
i mean its for his own good anyway..
well, a little bit of miscommunication too, difference in maturity level i guess, its him who is the child this time round..

yeah.. well wat ever it is, these 2 guys have made leaving for australia a litle harder then the previous time, when i left without sheding a tear.
not tt frens and family don make me feel sad, but i noe they will support me more then wanting me to stay..
but for them its different i guess..
life is a totally jerk..
u don get wat u wan, when u ask for it..
when i am so busy wit work, and don ask for it tt much, they jus come around..
well, lerning to be at peace, i try not to ask for too much, and expect anymore.

i didn't wan them to wait for me, cause i think its jus fucking selfish and cruel..
but i have frens who tell me, i jus don noe how to treasure ppl when they come by for me..
well, i really don noe where is the line of treasuring someone i luv, and if i am torturing them.
i guess its jus the differnt way ppl look at things..

I am learning to be happy and contented wit life.
learning to be happy and live in my blessing..
learning to be happy and treasure wat i have..
learning to be happy, and hope to spread the joy one day..

Hectic preparation for return to aussie shall began tomolo..

170208, SUN, 0055hrs.

Lost Focus. Haiz.

2008-02-02T11:12:00.000-08:00

I lost focus.
Got a little moody and depressed these few days. maybe its the work, maybe its its the upcoming festive season, maybe its my weight, maybe its the fact tt i wan to see some ppl, but yet i don have the courage to.

well.. answer to tt is all of the above, but its especially true for the last one.

mesaged 2 of the guys tt i use to date back in SG>.

haven contacted them for ages, but suddenly felt like doin so, cause the many deaths tt are around me jus gave me a kicked in the ass (reminded me of the pain if i don get to see them again), and thus, as much as i have been hurt a lot by them in the past, i noe i still wan to c them, and yes, i contacted them..

after 2 months since i am back here, they too wondered why onli now did i contact them..
and of course, i was too ashame to tell them honestly, i don have the guts to.
but wat have been done, has been done.
lets see how it goes, maybe after all, we still don get to meet, cause i am counting down 19days b4 i am back in the land of brisbane again.

guess wat.. the ghost from brisbane contacted me again..
or rather i contacted him too. its was mutual..
he sent me a msg on facebook when i said i was sick..
didn't really say anything cause i was really too sick to reply then..

after i recovrered, decided to chat wit him again on MSN, and yes..
he is so goin gto pick me up form the airport when i am back..
I am praying very very hard he don cancel out on me, cause the reason why i return to SG earlier in NOV last year, was actually him..
he bloody hell canceled on me..
but watever, as u can c, the stupid me haven learn my lesson, and is yet taking another hugh risk at contacting him, and putting myself in danger of getting hurt again..

someone jus slap me silly..
well.. have a few problems wit my upcoming courses, but honestly, i am so not in the mood to settle it, shall do it when the time comes.. i noe i am last minute.. but really, i am jus not in the mood to make the right decisions now anyway..

miss the company of great frens, and talk about life.. and our future..
they often re assure me of who i truely am, and the dreams we all have, tt are yet to be realised.
they put me back on track most of the time..
but well,... guess work and fuck up life in SG has made me lose focus again.

going to head to sentosa for my LONG LONG LONG GONE DESPERATION to hit the beach..
damn it, tts how hectic life is in SG...
everyone jus pray it doesn't rain pls..

Wants to be focus and happy.
like the real scorpio in me.
(Rhymes eh....)

030208, SUN, 0321hrs.

Things tt Makes me HaPpY!

2008-01-27T08:17:00.000-08:00

Things tt makes me Happy.

1.) Learning and Dancing to a good choreography.
2.) Drinking Bubble tea (WITH Pearls, it sux without them.)
3.) Watching America's Next Top Model (The others are jus not as entertaining.)
4.) Playing Board Games Wit The Right People.
5.) Appreciative Students Who Show Results.
6.) Enjoying Good Food (It will be better if i don put on the weight tt comes wit it.)
7.) Shopping when I have the Money (The word Discount and SALE makes me even happier.)
8.) Having Intellectual Conversation wit Ppl who DO make a Difference in my Life.
9.) Talking To my Dogs (They keep secrets and always lend a listening ear.)
10.) Ogling at HOT models who makes me wants to lose weight. (Both Male & Female Models.)

Keeping it a short and simple post.
A little random i noe. but well, lazy to upload photos again.
needs to lose weight for CNY..
wish me luck, and hope i can stay focus.

280108, MON, 0103hrs.

Its not Wrong for a guy to wear SHORT Shorts ok, especially when I HAVE NICE LEGS!!

2008-01-25T07:53:00.000-08:00

Alright i am back after missing for sometime again.. some stuff to share wit u guys..
well depresing news 1st.. death of a really good actor.. and he was onli 28.. HEATH LEDGER.. australian actor who was one of the highly acclaimed gay cowboy in brokeback mountain..
a great lost to hollywood, and he jus saddened the whole world. this picture on the cover of life was really a great picture..
his eyes are jus s expressive.. but sadly i think it speaks of sorrow more than joy..
i hope they will still play his last work which is the "dark knight", and in it, he was the joker.. apparently, it was the role t gave him too much stress..
ther might be a possibility of re shooting wit another actor due to many complications wit the advertising, and they jus don wan to use his death to be a bait for pl to watch this movie. its jus disrespectful. but then, i am sure millions in the world will wan to watch his very last work. and applaud him for it. i am more than sure he did a great job...
well.. life goes on.. i jus hope everything will be better in the future..

Moving ON...
Have been shoping the past 2 days for CNY clothes. i swear shopping makes me happy. for the moment omli. cause thinking about the money spent makes me feel bad..
i am seirously broke, and i have been swiping my debit card, and thus its going to be paid by my mum.. and i must say i don enjoy spending her money at all..
in fact i don enjoy spending ppl's money at all... but i was really broke, and guess its a necessity to get some new clothes for the new year. and i onli bouhgt sale stuff.. to make me fel better..
ok some of the great buys are below..
the foloiwing tee shirt is one tt i have been looking for. BUT cause it was on sale, the left over sizes are XL and XXL.. therefore, the trying to act style me got the XXL one to wear it hip hop style to dance.. haha.. but seroiusly.. i jus love FCUK.. and i must stress its a good buy cause original price was $59, and i got it at onoli $18!!!

Another buy was this pair of shorts. i have been desperately looking for a pair of shorts. since i was in aussie. and guess wat, i bought this pair at "cotton on" which is in fact australia's very own "giordano". haha. lolx.. anyway.. i must confess tis is a ladies item, and i can actually fit size 10 (don be jealous ladies, i have no butt and a small hip) well. when i wanted a new piece and asked the sales gal for it. she seriously gave me the, "ARE U REALLY GOING TO BUY TIS FACE?!?!" i mean ya!! wats wrong.. its not very gal after all. its plain black and its jus a bloody pair of shorts, why can't i buy and wear it.. she is probably jus upset tt i can wear a size smaller than her.. damn bitch... well i got it at $20 when the original price is at $30.. and i didn't get a new pair cause apparently tis was the last piece, or maybe tt bitch is jus too jealous to find me a new one..

SOme other great buy includes another fabulous FCUK tee shrit which is oso the same price as the one i showed above.. a TOPMAN long sleeve tee wit a Hood! yeah. haha. have been wanting to get something wit a hood too. its cost $33, when original price is at $70 plus.. i got another tee shirt at cotton on cause it was jus dirt cheap.. $5!! yes.. its like i can jus wear and throw away la (kiddin, i am not tt wasteful, maybe wear to sleep oso happy). Oh YA!!! i must complain, my mum keeps nagging at me for getting a winter coat so i can bring to aussie, and i have been procrasinating cause i wanted to go aussie and buy, so i wouldn't have to carry it al the way from SG to AUS.. and guess wat, i finally bought one from SPRINGFIELD after much nagging, and when i bought it home, my mum said "WAH, REALLY QUITE HEAVY HOR!!" I seriously ROLLED MY EYES!! I told her its going to take up half my luggage and now she finaly understands.. watever, anyway it was a good buy, nice design and it was on sale too.. got it at $132 when the original was $189.. So although much shopping was done, much swipping of card was done, and loads of money were spent (total of about @ $230) i did help save a lot too!! (total savings = $190 apprioximately)... so i really think i am not tt bad a shopper after all, and i am not tt a spoilt brat who any how spend money right! haha...

MOving on again.. as much as i complain about how iritating primary school kids can get, and i have to face them, scream at them, make them cry, make them learn, in hope of them being smarter 6 DAYS A WEEK, i have found a few heart warming ones, which makes me fill tt my job is worth it after all.. well, i seldom post pictures of ppl on my blog. rather i haven really done tt at all, and guess tis is the 1st post tt i am showing ppl.. real ppl.. perhaps i might jus post my own pics soon. guess it might be time to "come out of the closet" bout tis blog. haha.. well lets see how it goes.. ok here goes the GOOD students i have,..

Tis gal tt u see actually comes form taiwan, she plays the er hu which i don usually teach, onli i had to relieve my fren tt one day and i taught her, and another boi (who is equally good too)... They had so much respect for me (which is crucial) and as much as i can feel tt they think its damn tough, they kept trying, and they hardly complain even though i nag at them all the time to practice.. and look at how happy she is when iasked her to pose for me to take picutres (they were trying out their new costumes for performance and competition). She tries to be funny sometimes, but deep down, i noe she is a smart gal who simply needs attention.. haha..

Tis boi tt u see is Oso not my direct student cause he plays the Suona.. but i realy luv him cause he is SUPER POLITE (TIS speaks alot about his upbringing, and i am proud of his mum and dad) and pretty smart too. onli primary4, i gave a talk about chinese orchestra to his class recently (Note tt my job is to teach, and this talk was jus a desperate attempt to get more students to joing the orchestra, and since i have been really experinced in introducing the orchestra all thanks to MDC, i jus did my colleague a favour), and as he was from the orchestra itself, i asked him to share his experince, and he jus gladly stood up, and i can see he was really shy, cause when he spook, he was like lost for words.. well. and talking to him, he is jus full of respect for u.. i feel stress at times talking to him, cause when i ask him to help me carry stuff, i seriously feel bad (but doesn't all the teachers do tt when we were in school?!?!) ANd he is such a smart smart boi who excels at his instrument, and i believe his studies too.. he is wat i call a "minister potential" kind of person. seroiusly.. if onli my own students were like these.. haha..

sadly, most of my students are DEVILS!! and i mean it.. mostly boys, cause i teach percussion, they can really get on my nerves.. well.. i felt tt i have typed a lot.. teaching is really tiring, despite the short hours, as compared to other jobs, alot a lot of effort is being put inside for every lesson, which u serously don understand, unless u do it urself..

i might not be teaching anymore after graduating form uni, cause i probably have to find a real full time job, but i think i did a pretty good job in helping singpaore groom young talents.. haha.. shameless i noe, but i am seroiusly damn proud of my students.. hundreds of them since the 1st day i taught..

well.. guess this is a ot for a post, so i shal end here cause its almost 1am already and i need to wake up at 6.30am tomolo!! cause i will be teaching from 8-12pm, then 1-5pm. come on, who says SAT are fun, they are not when u have to work like me. haha.. jus hopping things will jus go on smoothly everyday.. tiring yes, but praying tt its not depressing..

Oh shit.. b4 i go.. i must tell everyone tt "27 dresses" is like one my Favourite movie now (everyone go watch!!), and i luv JAMES MARSDEN to death. he is such a versatile actor wit so much charmm.. loves him. faints faints faints.. ok bye..

260108, SAT, 0047hrs

Back...

PLS tell me i have not lost my capabilities to maintain a decent frenship.

2008-01-21T07:38:00.000-08:00

Gonna upload some pictures.. and type lesser.. had a couple of rough days..
and hoping tt life will be better.. and i will be more at peace wit myself..
i should stop expecting so much..
it is hurting my frenship wit ppl.
it is hurting my students when i scold them.
it is hurting myself when i don get wat i expect.

well the follwing pictures are taken at the new terminal 3 in Singapore..
my 1st time there to send my beloved fag hag off...
nice place.. spacious and not so packed yet..
well. jus random shots..
and my rich fag hag actully flew 1st class.. i wonder when i will have the chance to do so la!!

well.. the folloing picture is taken from a musicians point of view on stage.. check out the hundread of audience seats watiiting to be fiilled..

and this is the score tt i read.. apart from loking at the conductor and my instrument... lame i noe..

well i am chattin wit a "fren" online.. well. i jus don noe how to consider a fren, a fren now..

why are things so complicated??

have never had a hugh problem wit frenship.. and i dare swear wit my life tt i hardly ever in my life, treat a fren badly in anyway..

but seems tt ppl have mistook my kindness, or either take them for granted..

all i hope for is a sincere and honest frenship.. not one tt is determined by materialistic measures and compliments tt might not be true..

220108, TUE, 0041hrs.

I am Such A Drama King..

2008-01-16T20:26:00.000-08:00

went for another rehearsal yesterday..
the show is tomolo..
probably one of my last official shows here, discounting the possible gigs i can get during CNY..
i mean at least tis is a reheased show. haha..
well its wit NYP and i was jus thinking tis might be the last show..
cause going back to ausie soon for almost a year.

i was frequently asked to bring my instrument there, but seriously, its jus too troublesome for the lazy me..
and wit tt said, it will probably mean the end of my performing life, cause not touching the instru for 10 months is as good as giving up already.. haha.. musicians should noe wat i mean..
if u r not, then don comment.

oh yeah, watever, but serously i mis the stage..
yes, here i am going at it again..
i mean how often do u get hundreds or even thousands of ppl looking at you, and clapping or cheering for u, for doing wat u enjoy..
doesn't tt sound good.. seroiusly.. it sure its an adrenaline rush..

hoping to carry on some sort of perofrming arts in my life.. maybe dancing.. maybe modelling.
which both i am workking very hard towards now.. have spent way too much effort in music i guess..

well, my fren was jus telling me, even one day when i don get to perform on stage anymore,
my life will still be a performance watched by many.
thanx to the ever drama ways i lead my life..
haha.. i don deny tt, but seroiusly, i like my life like tis. fulll of surprises, suspense, tears, blood, joy, sex and wat ever so not.

i noe i make the best drama.. haha..
HAIL THE DRAMA KING!!!

170108, THU, 1231hrs.

Victoria's secret fashion show rox my world!!

2008-01-14T09:26:00.000-08:00

wanted to post some random pictures to share.
but my laptop is giving me problems..
don ask me wat problems cause i can;t answer..
i jus can't access to my memory card, cause it jus refuse to read..

FUCK UP!! I SWEAR!!.

oh yeah.. not much mood now ...
anyway i jus wan to say ictoria's secret fashion show rox my world.. totally..
i noe i a bit slow.. but still, i don have much chance to youtube now work have started again..
and year, catched up a little on JDMA, finally got the chance..
now tt ther is no more top model, JDMA is the next best thing..
luvs janice too..

arighht keeping it short..
going to sleep soon...

150107, TUE, 0146hrs

Random Post from a WannaBe HOT Blogger.

2008-01-12T06:22:00.000-08:00

Really random stuff tt came to my mind while shitting.

Found a new way to make me treasure my life more, and noe tt i should be happy for my life. and tt is, reading the orbituaries...
knowing tt ppl have left the world and there are still loved ones in tis world is like super heart wrenching.. and till the day tt i may have to face this situation..
i am telling myself, i am the most blessed person on earth and i should face life positively..
and note from a fren tt i should never self pity..
which i must admit i do at times.

congrats to the fren who got into the semi finals of the talent quest tt she took part in.. basically, voting plays a part in the results and it cost bloody 50cents to vote!! wat a great way to make money..
and as i wanted to vote for her.. seriously i wanted to,, and i was digging my pockets for some lose change, which i think might make up 3 votes, the gal infront of me yelled!! she said "wat kind of pathetic supporter are u?!?!" and she jus whipped out a 10 doller note and threw it at the counter.. thank god she wasn't refering to me, but her fren.. and the embaressed me jus decided to not vote for her anymore, cause i knew a lot of her richer frens are doin so for her..
shame on me, but i truely supported her. at least i was there for like freaking 4 hours.. enduring great heat at a point in time.. *ahem* i was still recovering from my terribly virus infection..

I am back to my addiction of addictinggames.com whereby i play random dumb games, sometimes smart games to destress and relax..
good thing is, i am stuck to my laptop more, so i might jus blog more too.. correction, its actually a bad thing..

Bought a new bag for school this year!! yeah... adidas messenger bag. haha.. its blach wit white strips.. typical me i noe...
my wind breaker and my visor is in this color too.. but who cares.. i look good in them.. and i bought it cause its cheap.. in desperate attemts to save money now... $60 bucks, but got offer!!! i save $20 bucks cause its onli going at $40.. good buy right!!
too many things to buy.. hoping to strike lottery or money to appear in my account..
sugar mummy and daddy are great too..
i make great company.. i have the brains and the looks.. shamelessly promoting myself..

my facebook account is filled wit tons of quizes that i do to find out more about myself!!!
i noe it sound ridiculous.. but i jus can't resist some of it.. haha..
"find out when will u get married"
"find out wat ur birthdate means"
"find out which flower are you"
"find out wat kind of guys attract you"
"find out .........................."

fill in the blanks.. too many to name.. i should post some of the interesting results here.. haha..
well.. i am tired of typing for now..
and i am so gonna go back to my adicting games! yeah.. its not called addicting for nothing ok!!

at least i am feeling a little more sunshine now despite the daily rain..
smiles...

120107, SAT, 2235hrs.

Goals in my life.. As of 2008...

2008-01-11T04:32:00.000-08:00

well.. jus wanted to say a few words cause i got feeling ar..
well life is short.. and jus in case i might jus leave tis world too suddenly, at least i have a few stuff tt i wan to make clear.. haha..
well not a laughing matter i noe.. but guess these are jus things i wanna say to assure myself of my presence on Earth.

As i grow older, i change more. i can see the difference.. but somethings neer change.
Me being ambitious. its jus gets worst.. but nothing wrong.
i remember dreaming about the things tt ppl never dare to, or dreaming bout the things whereby ppl seriously think i am jus dreaming..
at times.. i count myself lucky.. but most of the time.. i noe its because i dreamed, and thats why i made it..

its sad when someone has no more dreams....
well.. lets jus say a lot of things in my life are like a dream come true... for example..
Being able to study abroad.
Being able to perform on soooo soooo many stages receving the applauase of so many ppl.
Being able to be called slim (i remember being fat more then half of my life)
Being able to dance, considering my arthritis and a late learner.

these are the major ones which i am grateful for life..
but then i have never stopped dreaming, although there are times when i felt tt i should jus give it all up, but actually, all i need was a break to re charge myself
i don like setting new year resolutions.. but instead i like to set goals for myself, in my life..
and i noe i have achieved a lot more than some other ppl my age.. but on the other hand, i noe i have a lot more yet to be done.

Studying abroad gave me a lot of time to think.. and sometimes think to much, but wit tt said, i have added on a few more dreams for myself to achieve..
TO be a TOP Model in the world. Doing ads for major brands.
Walk the Runway in Europe.
To be on Oprah one day due to my fame and help needy ppl and inspire humans.
To grace the cover of all major magazines in the world. including Times magazine.
To start a business which will lead to an empire for the next generation.
To support causes and charities around the world.
To have a scholarship named after me.
To have a road named after me.
To finish up my doctorate, cause i wan "Dr Louis" to be on my tomb, not jus "Louis".

well.. these are some of my life goals..
life is a journey, and i don really believe in jus setting New year resolutions..
i plan for the future. and tts how i see my future.
everyone has a destiny to fulfil.. and i noe i have a hugh one ahead..
the onli sad thing is i noe if i wan to achieve all tt i dream, i might end up alone at the end of the day.
and honestly, to be able to acheive all these, i noe i need the support of a partner...
but wellz.. this is the tricky part. cause relationships can either break or make me..
and tt sux..
well enough blabering.. i jus hope tt one day when i am down..
tis post can make me remember how strong i am a person deep inside..
too many things in life, too little time...
one step at a time.. and i will make it through...
GO SUNSHINE!! Be the brightest one of all ;p

110108, FRI, 2100hrs

SICK BOI. totallly feel like i am dead soon.

2008-01-08T20:57:00.000-08:00

I am so damn bloody sick!

went to see the doctor when i woke up today and i am not going to work today.

haiz. i haven felt so sick for soooo damn bloody long.

and basically i jus have throat infection, which has now lead to cough, flu, headache and occasional fever. yup.it totally sux.

check out the medication i got it totally rox la. 4 cute little pills. haha. loves it., i noe i am crazy. but colors make me happy!

Alright. some of the reasons why i fall sixk inclused.. the ever changing weather in Singapore. which can get really windy cold and wet.. the lack of sleep due to my insomia recently. and also the students i have to face almost daily. check tis picture out.

Tis is jus one of the many schools that i have to teach. and primary school kids are really really hard to coach. its nmot jus about 1 plus 1 equals to 2. certain kids jus have ZERO music genes in them. they are so teribbly and horrible when it comes to music they can hardly keep a beat! OMG..

ok ok. as i am sick. i am not gonna say much here today. jus wan to rest and not think. haha.

busy life in singapore. guess tts jus life for me here.

hope everything goes well in this coming year. looking forward to it.

i would hope tt all my frens will be happier tis year, i feel ashame tt i can't help them most of the time cause i am emotionally unstable myself, and i try to stray away form ppl who makes me upset. its very selfish of me, but i only wan to hang out wit happy ppl to stay happy.

;life is too short. apologies to the frens who felt left out by me when they need me. pls do understand tt i am easuly influenced by misery and will be brought to the worng side almost instantly.

stay strong everyone. cause the greatest disease of all time to me is DEPRESSION.

090108, TUE, 1346hrs.

I don noe wat i am doin. in a bad way.

2008-01-05T23:56:00.000-08:00

wanted to do some random blogging.
somehthing weird happened.
today is y rest day at home. after sleeping for 12 hours last nite, and waking up in the noon today, i must say i covered the lost sleep the previous nite. weird i noe.
long day yesterday, teach in the morning, badminton int he afternoon, and cafe hangout at nite.
anoter new hangout place. HIDE OUT CAFE!! co owned by my fren's brother, its a board game themed cafe and of course i like it la.. i am a board game fanatic can. its much healthier then mahjong and arcade. haha..
oh well, so i totally concussed on the bed upon reaching home.
back to the main point. paiseh, OOP again..
oh went swimmin after lunch and then head home to continue my online gaming, no i don do those violent killing games, i am now addicted to picross, its kinda of like a mind game la.
think sudoku and cross word puzzle..
its jus my kinda fo stuff..
ok then i got hungry and deided to head downstairs to c wat up wit my neighbourhood.
i haven really walked around since i am back anyway. haha..
OMG. i realised there is a new bubble tea shop!! damn it, i am so gonna drink more of those sinful stuff now there is one jus under my block. and then i wanted to eat fruits. so i went to the fruits stall.. and i got myself 2 slices of fruits, which i noe cost $1. cause i am a regular. or rather use to be a regular.. and i gave the aunty 10 bucks..
the change is of course 9 bucks, but she onli gave me back $8.20..
damn it..
i mena i obviously noe is the worng change cause 1st,
i can count damn bloody well, think high distinction for financial management, and lots of As since primary school for maths.
2nd, she tok damn bloody long to give me back my change, when 10-1 is obviously 9!!! how hard can tt be?
oh wells, the WEIRD thing i was talking baout happens here..
MOI jus walked away being short changed despite knowing so!! damn gal, how stupid can i be!!
maybe i was jus not int he mood to quareel, and she took damn long to give me back my change, so i was guessing, she don have enough coins or somthing like tt. although its onli 80 cents, i feel sad for myself. don ask me why, cause i noe i deserved it.
i jus thinki am chaning.. in a weird way. watever, then it was back to buying bubble tea for myself and then some chicken wings for dinner.
OH WELLS.. tell me i am weird! its jus so not me to get back wat i deserve and wat i wan!!
OMG.. xianz.. i don noe wat i am doing..

060108, SUN, 1619hrs

This is like the 1st official post in 2008! haha..

2008-01-03T22:54:00.000-08:00

ok i am stuck at home today.

was thinking of going ack camp. but couldn't find company and seems tt most ppl in company are ot around at tis time of the year. most still on hoiday mood eh. haha..

maybe some other day then.

well then was thinking of swimming in the noon but it rained., bloody hell. damn xian..

so now i am stuck at home, and thought of blogging, although i don noe wat to say.

trying not to think too much.

living my life in a zone out mode. meaning jus do watever i need to do, and not think so much.

i don get high easily, and i wouldn't get depressed easily too.

shall type wat i remember then.

Yesterday was quite a packed day. met up wit him. this guy i am dating. the guy wit a whole load of free tickets . haha..

well met him at far east and i went to pluck my eye brows. totally therepeutic.

went to topman/topshop to get my fren's burfdae present, and i ended up buying something for myself again.. a gold tie, totally glam looking. haha..

went to cartel for lunch thereafter cause the set lunch is pretty cheap 9.50. but it was really not tt good. but if u r hungry, it is actually pretty feeling. wit a free cup of ice tea, a bowl of soup, a main course, dessert and free low of bread. definaltey worth it.

but really, its not tt nice.

then after tt, i forced him to go arcade wit me, cause he is not the arcade kind, but i am kinda of hooked onto it now. especially the one at PS!! cause they have the games tt i like to play, its those tt are a little outdated.. like puzzle fighter. haha.. totally luv tt game..

then after tt, we went to the museum (oso much persuaded by moi) to visit an exhibition,.

well, its the greek aftefects from the lourve!!! OMG.. since i don see myself going to paris any time soon, how can i miss this exhibition!!

totally luv it.. i mean it was tiring, cause i had to stand for hours, but lets jus say its quite an experince, cause u really don get such chance unless u go to paris. and then again, when u r really there, u usually wouldn't want to spend the whole day at the museum cause there is so much to see. haha..

there were onli 130 artefects and i took like 2 hours. can't imagine there are like thousands of artefects at the lourve la..

i need to stay in paris for at least a year. haha.

shoudl consider upon graduation.

then after museum, i went for dance again. haha.

and guess wat, after dance, i went to the airport to send my fren off. he is going to dubai as he is gonna work for emirates as a fklight attendant!! wat a dream.. hmmm.. i hope i can be like him too, but i would rahter work for SQ, at least i will be based in singapore and not dubai..

well tt sums up my eventful yesterday. was out from 11am till 12 midnight.. totally shag. and gues wsat, when i got home, i actually had time to watch another movie online. its called "dan in real life" haha. it was alright , but definatley not worth it if u watch in the cinema. well.. watveer,, thank god its my rest day today, so i an do watever i wan!!

alright don feel like typing much anymore.. shall try to upload some photos.

At the entrance of the singapore antional museum. haha.. wat a hugh poster eh...

TIs is taken inside the museum, but not at the exhibition hall.. jus to tell tourist where the exhibits are actually. anyway the statue is actually apollo the greek god of prophecy, music, healing, and later, the sun.. killing a lizard, to signify triumph from the evil of something like tt. pardon me for haivng a lousy memory.

The 2 posters above are taken outside the exhibition hall, as no photography is allowed inside, tts all i can show u guys. these are some of the features of the exhibition.

the 1st one tt u see is oso one of my favourite. he is actually ares, the greek god of war. the statue is hugh about 2m and it is very very realistic. the proportions an everthing is jus great. and for the fact it is naked makes tt a plus point. haha.. jus kiddin. most of the statues are naked casue in the past during greek times, most of them are jus naked.. simple.. nothing to hide, isn't tt cool. and moreover he is a god! how cool.. and the 3rd picture is the greek goddess of love and beauty. another main feature. actually onli the head of the statue is original, the body was being rebuilt after they have found the head onli. she is well known to hold a apple in one had, and a mirror in the other. yeah. of course to signify wat she represents, luv and beauty. don ask me how tt works, cause i am not tt professional, but she is really a beauty. the proportions of her face, despite being a really old statue, is really really well done. and although its a statue, u can almost feel emotions from them when u c them in real life.. most of them being quite sad and emo though. btw she is also said to be ares mistress..

and the one in the middle is actually a really small bronze statue in the exhibition. not so hugh like the poster. and i can't really recall tis artefact.. i onli know tt its someone who is half sheep and half human, cause there is like 2 mane on his forehead.. well.. another greek mythology, but i really can't remember..

too much to read and rmemeber yesterday, but overall, its quite an experince.. admission fee for stufdents is onli 4 bucks, and its also quite a nice place to jus relax and wind down..

alright, gonna go rest again b4 dance class later.. yawnz...

040108, FRI, 1534hrs

Dead Bored. Choosing to not have a life may be a right decision.

2007-12-30T09:32:00.000-08:00

I am bored and lifeless.
I have nothing much to say.
Maybe i jus don nmoe wat to say.
Performance again tonite. was alright.
wanted to blog, but really no idea wat to type.
gona watch some movie online now.
thanx for the link given by frens, i am jus watching movies online all the time.
and lots of topmodel on youtube too.
staying at home, rotting my life away is not as bad as i thought.
maybe i am jus too tired, running about and earning plus spending money. i fi have no money, then i wouldn't spend.
money, its jus a vicious cycle. watever.
no mood, no drive.
fucked up life.
jus need a fuck up break.
maybe i should isolate myself and recharge.

311207, MON 0138hrs.

Its been a long and busy week. I need a break!

2007-12-26T02:17:00.000-08:00

I haven blog for ages. i always want to.
but either i lose the motivation to, or i am seously seirously tired at nite.
Too many gatherings and rehearsal tis week.
performance tomolo and on SUN.
a little stres about helping my fren do the emceeing tomolo.
well.. i wanted some extra cash, and take my craft to the next level.
yeah i have hosted lots of school shows during MDC time. andi did a few hosting gigs for schools too.. but seroiusly, nothing as big as tomolo. cause its at victoria concert hall, and i got to anchor the whole freaking show. MYSELF!! no co host. damn it..
and seriuslt.. the toughest part is to be bi linguel.
i really must admit my mandarin is BAD BAD BAD.. haiz.. but watever, i am jus gonna do it tomolo. and i noe i am going to do a good job. jus need a little kick in the ass.
when i gret to the venue tomolo, then realitry will hit me, and t is whne i will start to really panick. haha..
seriouly too many happeninings the past few days.. lets see..
including meeting up wit loads of frens. whom i haven seen for ages..
an eciting dance competition called code edge held at zouk.. so yeah, i had been to zouk, but i didn't really club. the competition is crazily good.. i swear it blew me away. screamed till my voice was gone. haha..
then watched my fren's dance compeition the next day at the Arts house. which was GREAT too. i am so motivcated to dance my life out..
previewed a few more movies thanx to him, and the free tickets.
loved the upcoming korean show, le grande chef.. luv the male lead. so bloody cute..
loads of rehearsal.. and i am getting paid for some of it. so i am glad tt could bring me jus a few more bucks next month.. desperately broke.. i swear..
Oh.. and yes, i did my nude photoshoot tt i promised to model for. and tt is for free. jus tt i get to keep some of the photos. haha.. can't wait to see.. but i jus hope it helped. haha.. i grew fatter.. so not a good thing..
still kinda of depressed. not feeling the high yet..
maybe i jus need a break, a proper one.. i mena i have been working like crazy too much, and i don think i am earning much. so tts sad.
alright, i am off to rehearsal soon, so i need to get ready.. included a few photos..

This picture was taken at the arts house.. my 1st time watchign a show there. there are loads of stuff there.. and tis is like a gallery, and a lot of space for events.
the performaning area was really small, but very intimate. the dancers are literally right in front of me la. haha. i swear its damn stress..

And yes, tis is the fabulously good show tt i watched at the arts house.. and yes it was SOLD OUT.. how do i noe its a good show?? its when i noe i don mind watcfhing it again! haha.. my fren didn't perform much tt nite, but i must say he wsas great too. i didn't noe he can dance so well now!! i am terribly impressed.. he did salsa and lets jus say it was HOT HOT HOT!!

Oh yes. and tis is now my favourite hangout.. ms clarity cafe at katong. haha there are2 more outlets, one at bugis, and the other at thomson. but tis is new, and there are always very few ppl, so i like it a lot.. had a few great gatherings here. look at how the colors can cheer u up! OMG.. it jus made me happy. and gues wat, i am meeting my fren again there tonite, to play board games!! yes i am addicted to board games.. so much healthier and fun to do so.. heehee...

alright.. i am tired and i really really need to go!!!

bye now..

hopping for a better time ahead. i have suffered, but i have learned and grow too.. things still suck. but i am jus gonna take it like a man. and do wat i need to do..

i jus need to stay focus, and fulfil my destiny. i have HUGH shoes to fill. i noe tt.. and i am so not going to disappoint. fuck those who r in my way. get lost!

261207, WED, 1854hrs.

Love is when a mundane task becomes a joy because of who you are doing it with

2007-12-12T06:41:00.000-08:00

“Love is when a mundane task becomes a joy because of who you are doing it with.”
Just finish watching another episode of desperate housewives.
And I got this sentence from it.
Pretty simple and good I must say.

Today is another rainy boring day.
No teaching today, and slept till late.. like 12 pm. And wanted so much to get a tan.
BUT it was bloody hell raining again.
How irritating so it was jus another episode of top model on youtube and then trying to upload some picures I took wit my new cam on to facebook and stuff.

Well and today, I decided to bring my lappie out again. So here I am typing on the bus while on the way to the hospital to visit my dad. Haha..

Continuing from the previous post.. well.. as u guys noe, I had a performance last Sunday at the esplanade and following that, had a BBQ to celebrate one of my sec school fren’s burfdae.. haha.. it has been long sine I last saw them. But these gals are like my clique and my really close frens back in sec school. Gathering was alright, cause most of us hated the idea of BBQ, except a few, and it was like drizzling and stuff. And it was wet. Aiyah. It was jus not too good.. after dinner, which was BBQ, we walked to the macdonalds at ECP to hang out a little more.. and jus chit chat and catch up.
Well, don noe why, but I jus talked a lot tt day.
Not tt I wan to or anyting, jus natural I guess.. and honestly, I wasn’t feeling too good or anything a few days b4 and on tt day itself.
Jus didn’t was everybody to think tt I am going through a rough time..
Whatever it is..
The gathering ended pretty well.. I mean its always a joy to meet wit ppl u haven seen for ages.

THese are the pics i took at the BBQ pit. haha.. a loving couple, jus hanging out, enjoying the view of the sea.. i like tt a lot.. a picutre of the sea of course.. and also a picutre of the hugh "forest" behind us. haha.. pretty nice eh...

And following tt, I received a call from another galfren, to hang out and chill cause she was bored..
And I don noe wat got into me, but I didn’t feel like heading home too, although I was dead tired I swear.. so I jus waited for her at the mac, and she came down..
Initially wanted to do a short KTV session, which I was excited about.. then her fren called and we went to st james instead., but guess wat, i am underage for movida, dragonfly, cause the age limit is 23. and its boi's nite at powerhouse, so my galfrens can't go in. damn it.

Got to stop now. cause i am reaching my stop already. to continue later............

alright i am back. its at nite now, and i am HOME! haha. so lets continue the post...

we jus chill at the alfreso area outside movida. it was not too bad.. haha.. and we did a lot of cam whoring.. i swear its alot.. haha.. i went home after tt, earlier then the rest cause i wan god damn tired.. it was already 3am when i got home.. damn.. can u believe i was like wearing my lens for almost 18 hours.

alright.. i am kinda of tired today. although its like rest day for me..

am gonna have an exciting weekend ahead..

gonna watch ice skating on FRI.. thanx to an invite..

watching studio wu's dance competition on sat at zouk.

and watching LADC's dance performance on sun at the art's house..

haha.. happening eh.. i swear i am..

hoping to keep negative thoughts out. and fill my life wit happy moments now..

i should learn how to luv myuself more then anyone else on tis world.. sound crazy, but its the onli way for me to be happier.. maybe..

121207, WED, 2356hrs

Views of Esplanade tt i miss.

2007-12-10T08:17:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was Sunday. and it was a damn fucking long and tiring day.

Basically there are 3 parts to yesterday.

part one is performance at esplanade. was there like 10am for sound check and rehearsal, then the show was from 3-4pm.

took a lot of photos to self entertain. so think i will share wit u guys.

This is wat u see at the entrance. haha. i was bored, but i also took it for memory sake. jus in case i miss esplanade next year when i am in aussie.

and a picture of the hugh durian too!

This is a view from the 2nd story, down at the "green room". the green room is jus a place to eat. haha. cause u r not suppose to eat anywhere u like. its jus like a lounge to chill and stuff. and there are a few bamboos near the area, which always make me think of "crouching tiger, hidden dragon." haha..

This is taken somewhere from the backstage too.. if u have been to esplanade, at the main foyer, and u look down, then u will be able to see the inside of the esplanade. so i took a view from where i was, but there was no ppl looking down. and i jus simply like the shape of the roof.. haha..

and tis is the hugh plasma, or LCD tv, tt is at the backstage for us to see wats going on during the show. reason being, we don play all the songs, so in order to kow which piece they are playing now, we jus look and listen. haha. i swear esplanade is rich..

There is a hugh pathway right behing the stage, and tis is wat u see b4 entering thorough the doors on to the stage. there are plenty of music stands and extra chairs and platforms and wat ever so not, necessary for different kinds of performace.. and yes its usually very dark, and they use UV lights sometime.. but the place is a little eerie too.. haha..

alright.. i think tts bout it for today.. cause i tired le..

i still hve my frens burfdae BBQ to talk about and hanging out wit my frens at st james.. haha. and there are loads of photos. but i am seirously lazy and tired.. ok la, i continue some other time.

BYEBYEBYEYBEYEBYEBYEBYEBYEBYE!

111207, TUE, 0108hrs

If u really wan something so badly, the whole universe will conspire to help u get it

2007-12-09T01:45:00.000-08:00

Jus informed u guys tt i have gotten a new digi cam.

but i don think i will be posting real pictures of myself and frens as yet.

maybe still not to comfortable wit telling the whole world who i am yet.

although i noe hardly anyone reads my blog, except the special few.

anyway i haven blogged for days due to my hectic schedule and the not so good happenings in life.

well dating is still screwed up.

i jus don like ppl who say things that they don even intend to do, or they jus simply don mean it.

then wats the point of telling me tt??

for example. u r so sweet, and i jus wanna give u a kiss.

and then the next thing u noe, the person is not interested in kissing u at all, jus saying it to maybe make u feel good, or make u like him/her.

i think, its really repulsive.

well. performance tomolo, after so long..

nothing much, its not a competition or wat so ever, and i make mistakes all the time.

haha. but i am professional, i always give my best on stage.

well. maybe a few more snap shots tomolo to share.

the performance is at esplanade concert hall.

some may wow at the venue, but seirously, i am sick of it already.

i too was excited when i 1st performed at the esplanade, but after doin so, sooo many times at the concert hall, the theater and the recital studio, it really is nothing much.. yawnz..

oh yeah. and lets talk bout the 1st picture i posted.

wanted to post one of my pictures, cause i am a damn gorgeous narcissist, but then i decided to do a little somehting else.

this pic was taken today when i went to visit my dad in the hospital.

a little scary i noe.

and tt pair of legs tt u see belongs to my dad. yes, i was sitting beside him.

and i was bored, cause he was watching TV, and i jus got nothing to do, so tts why i took tis picutre.

the ward as 4 bed, but the other 3 are not occupied, i think its damn scary la..

thank god i am not staying there.

and in my memory i onli stayed oin the hospital once, which is when i was 1st diagnosed wit arthritis, and i was alone in a room too. SUx.

well.. talking bout arthritis, i went for my routine check up jus a few days ago.

still taking the same medication but tis time round, its no more paid for by SAF, and it was costly.

well basically, tis anti inflammatory piss tt i take, once every 2 days cost like 7 dollars each.

so a month, it comes up to, 105 bucks. and in a year, i pay like 1260 ++ for the medication!!

expensive i swear, and it was then tt i start to hate myself more.

and i was seirsly depressed.. haiz.

i have never been the healthy child, and i think i should be glad t i am still able to dance and do sports like a normal person.

some may think i am jus the regular young dude.

but no i am not the most healthy person u see.

yes i am a lot more lucky then some of the other ppl who have disabilities, and thus i try to compare myself wit ppl who are less fortunate, and treasure my life more..

instead of comparing wit ppl who are better, and make myself depressed..

well, i don noe how tis works, but lets jus say its always hard when u try to do so, and tt is oso why moi is often feeling damn fiucking depressed..

I am jus praying for a day when life is better for me.

when i am healthy, and the ppl around me are healthy too.

when work is fine, and i get to do wat i wan as a living. realising my dreams.

when my frens are all happy, and they make me happy too.

when i find the special someone ot luv, and she or he luvs me back for who i am too.

i noe tt is when i will find happiness.

its not easy and i am on a rough patch of life now.

i feel like ending it all the time. but i noe i wouldn't cause i don have the courage to do so.

i onli have the courage to live on.

it actually, takes more guts to live, then to die.

its jus to scary.

alright.. there is one sentence tt is stuck in my head now.

thanx to the book i am reading , which is, the alchemist.

and i oso watched a hindi film recently.. yes a hindi film in Tamil. haha.. called, Om Shanti Om.

it was really qutie good, and in the show, and the book, they jus keep repeating this.

"If u really wan something so badly, the whole universe will conspire to help u get it."

tyring ot make myself believe in it now..

alright, buck and all go go go.

I know i have got my destiny to fulfil. and i am not giving up jus yet.

091207, SUN, 0045hrs

Updating my life on 021207.

2007-12-01T18:17:00.000-08:00

A quick update.. rushing for time.. i mean its always the case in singapore. u never have enough time.

ok today's program was actually sentosa.. but as expected, a lot of ppl came up wit excuses to not go..
so i decided to go for another rehearsal wit my best gay fren..
haha.. we have .like 2 upcoming performances tis month..
then maybe meeting some other ppl for dinner..

back track now to yesterday..
was suppose to go visit my dad in the morning but i overslept. and i felt so bad..
then went dance in the afternoon, and after dance..
went to the IT fair.. yes i noe its not very me to go to the IT fair, but i was thinking of getting a digi cam, so i manage to get the help of some of my bestest mates too..
and yes i did purchase a new cam, but i haven figure it out yet..
and now, i was wondering if i should learn how to upload photos on to this blog after having this cam, but then i still wan this blog to be uncommercialised, as its certainly not for the mass..
ok will think bout it..

oh yeah, then the day b4, went to catch a upcoming movie, called the warlords, its a chinese blockbuster, but it was a little over rated..
thanx to the company, someone new i jus met, he has got free tickets, cause he is a movie reviewer..
its funny wit him, cause even b4 we met, he already said "can we jus be frens"
and when i am wit him, he jus gives me the feeling he wans more..
thanx so much for misleading me..
hate ppl who don noe wat they wan..
but still, we are quite close, and i am glad tt he may be asking me out for more free movies!! yeah!!

and then, a few more days back, also met one of my fag hag (i have a few fag hags, but not a lot, cause i am not a typical gay guy). and this fag hag, is like my movie date.. cause everytime i wanna watch something, she will company me. haha..
and yes we did catch ENCHANTED!! yeah..
i am so happy.. this show made me cry a little, but also laughed a lot..
brainless, bimbotic and happily ever after.. totally love it..

ok then.. like i said, since i am rushing for time, i shall end here for now..
looking forward to more great times, and les hurt..
and tt jerk in aussie is avoiding me now.. how sad..
not replying my mails, not answering my calls and refusing to reply my message on facebook too..
wah lao!!
ok ok.. bye bye..

1027hrs, 021207, SUN

I killed myself with my own expectations.

2007-11-27T08:56:00.000-08:00

I think i am depressed.
Think i lost in another battle wit depression.
Maybe i am jus too tired to fight anymore. I jus kinda of gave in.
The heart wrenching feeling, whereby ur nose feels sour at the slightest setback, and tears jus roll down ur eyes when u feel jus a little emo.
Signs of depression for me.

Many may think i am fucking lucky.
And like the tragic tt happened recently, 5 young and dynamic roung singaporeans who passed away due to an accident at cambodia.
and they are all gone. jus like tt.
how are my pathetic problems compared to theirs?

But still. i think my mind have taken over my heart now. cause all my heart feels is pain.

let me tell u why.

ever felt like escaping from a problem, and after doin so, they jus don get better.
well.. i thought returnig to SG is a beter choice. and tts wat pl tell me too. come back to a place where ppl.. i wonder how true is tt..

b4 i am back.. i got stuf like, come back soon, we miss u..
come back soon, got so much to tell u.
come back soon, we must catch up k.

and when u r back. all these things are gone.
maybe they don even mean wat they say.
ppl jus say it cause maybe they feel obliged to.

when u r back. ppl are not tt enthu in meeting u anymore.
i feel tt even my dad takes me for granted.. which i so don like.

I got my results for my 1st semester in uni.
high distinctoin for financial management..
distinction for gaming management and business law.
and a fucking credit for my small biz.
yes its not bad.. but i don like being jus good.
i wan to be great.
i wan my straight distinctions.
but its not quite possible now.
this was a serious blow.

and when i thought someone is interested in me, tt person says to u, jus wanna be frens k.
fucking hell.. tell me wat i should feel..
yeah i noe i shouldn;t expect too much.. which i always do. in terms of work school and relationships.. tts why i always land myself up in such a miserable stage.

and why should i expect so mch from someone when i myself, can't even achieve the things i expect of myself..
for example, so much for losing weight.. i have not succedded at all.
so much for wanting to be a model.. but i have a fucked up discipline.
so much for wanting to have straight distinctions. i fucked it up again.
so much for wanting to be a filiel son when deep down, i don even really care.

I have reached a point where i noe i shouldn;t expect so much and should be contented..
but u noe wat.. the fuck up me don think this way.
i am feeling tortured inside now..
i have so much to say.. but i jus can;t put it into words.
maybe i should jus go cry my lungs out now.

281107, WED, 0138 hrs.

Back In Singapore. Not Too excited.

2007-11-25T07:50:00.000-08:00

Alright. I noe I haven update for a long time.
Back in Sunny Singapore and I have been sweating like hell everyday.
The humidity sux.

Well.. I am typing this while visiting my dad in the hospital.
Something got into me and I jus decide to bring my laptop out wit me today.
So here am I typing this while my dad is sleeping beside me on the hospital bed.

I haven really been the filial son.
Most of the ppl around me should noe.
But since the day I was back in Singapore, which was THU, I have religiously come visit my dad everyday.
So today marks the 4th day of coming to the Singapore general hospital.
Seriously, visiting my dad is alright, but apparently I still hate traveling for like one hour or more to get to this place.
I think the patience training I got at aussie is still not enough.

As i sit inside the ward, there are a total of 5 patients including my dad.
All of them seems to face similar problems..
I think so.
Mostly regarding the throat..
Its relatively quiet cause most of the patients can’t speak..
Well my dad got his voice box removed and obviously he can’t speak too
So visiting him includes guessing wat he is trying to say most of the time.
And when we both give up, he will jus write.
Which leaves me wonder, why don he jus write in the 1st place..
Nvm tt.. not important..
And wat else can the useless and clueless son do then.
Well, I bought him newspapers so he can read..
And oso I wheeled him around the hospital once cause he was too bored in the ward.
And oso massaged his legs and arms cause its probably too cramped up due to laying in bed like 99% of the time.

I really can’t do anything much.
And I noe visiting him means a lot.
Cause my bro and sis haven come for a couple of days and he is pissed!
I swear he was.. he even asked me to phone them.
So the little brother here has to phone my siblings to ask them when they will be coming to visit dad, and its jus not very nice.
But well, they all have their reasons, and I always believe in giving the benefit of the doubt.
And who am I to judge them when I haven played my role, until now when the guilt has strike me.

Today is kind of a bad day for me.
Well some may think I am jus being pessimistic, but jus let me tell u guys why I kinda of hate today.
1st and foremost, I was suppose to meet one of my close frens tonite for dinner and she canceled out on me. Tt really sux.
But I shall tell u guys about the cancelling part more later.
But anyway, it sure pissed me off the 1st thing in the morning.
Then I decided to get a tan, so off to the pool I went.
And when I was about to leave house, the clouds rolled by and decided to not let me have a good tan.
And UNTIL I decide to leave the pool, then the sun came out again.
Irritating I swear.
Then wat else, since I was being cancelled tonite, I decided to call 2 other ppl whom I was thinking of meeting up, and guess wat, both of them r sleeping so obviously there was no reply.
Then as I went online, someone asked me to meet for dinner. And I was happy.
So I agreed.
Then the next thing u noe, another person asked me out for supper and drinks..
Which made it a little confusing.
Cause I do wan to meet all of them.
And after me being canceled out, I decided not to cancel out on any of them.
And now I have to juggle my time a little, but its no big deal.

Alright back to the canceling out thingy.
Sometimes I wonder if its me who jus over react or being too drama.
But I must stress something here.
IF U HAVE BLOODY MADE PLANS WIT ME, THEN U BETTER DON CANCEL IT UNLESS U R DEAD, OR CRIPPLED, OR WATEVER SHIT!!
Cause I seriously hate having my schedules being screwed up..
When I make plans wit u, moi take it down in my diary, if not mentally, and set a time exclusively for u.
And lets jus say moi’s time is damn fucking bloody precious.
And when I have to spend more time, making other plans, it jus piss me off.
I jus don like having nothing to do can!!
Well I don hate my fren, but I can’t deny the fact tt I am pissed.
Am I being unreasonable??
I noe I am possessive and I am a control freak..
Especially when It comes to work, but has this crossed the line in a frenship?
Some said if it was a last min cancellation, then its unreasonable,
Then how do u judge “last minute”??
Was meeting at nite, and cancelling me in the morning, say bout 8 hours b4 considered last min??
It seriously doesn’t matter how last minute it is, even if its planned like years b4 and u cancel out on me, I will still be pissed. This is wat I think..

I thought I may be over reacting, and thanx to the last super bad experience of being cancelled out by the jerk for tt one whole week.. and he did kindly inform me like 2 days b4, I was still fucking pissed and hurt.
And now, tt has escalated my hate in ppl cancelling out on me!
SHOW ME SOME BLOODY RESPECT!!
Tts wat I think..
Tell me if I am over reacting. Cause I seriously don noe..

Well lets change topic b4 I smash my laptop on the hospital’s floor.

Ok the nurse jus walked in and is now feeding my dad.
Via a tube through his nose, and basically its jus to get some milk and water into his body.
Its scary and disgusting.
And moreover, if one were to see the scars of the surgery, I swear u will come out wit a HUGH EEEWWW!!! Its damn scary, bloody, and painful!! Its looks damn painful I swear, but my dad says it doesn’t hurt..
Ok whatever.
Back to some other stuff then.
I don noe wat else to bitch a bout in life, but I must say all these bitching makes my day a little better.

Returning to sunny SG, hasn’t been really great.
A little regret, and I do miss tt jerk.
Yes stupid I noe.

Alright wait wait.. my dad is awake, so now I need to go massage him.. Continue later..

Alright I am back.. he slept again ad I decided to leave cause I was bored.
And I had decided to take a bus back so I can continue this super long post. Cause the train is always too packed, and I don get to sit.
So now I am typing on the bus..

Well.. back o missing the jerk.. I do miss him.. a lot.. I don noe why.
He doesn’y even love me tt much. I am stupid, but guess tts jus part of the irritating lifes we have.
I called him when I was at the pool jus now, apparently, he was drinving, so I said I call him later.. then after that when I called him like 2 hrs later, he was driving again.
Tis time back home to where he drove to.
I mean tell me I am damn bloody UNLUCKY la!!
Some things are jus not meant to be.

I am tired. Today, I felt like depression is starting to kick in.
I hate tt feeling, I am able to fight this feeling off usually. And stuff like dancing and KTV does help.
But I have none of those today.
Tomolo marks the start of working.
Gonna go back to teach, cause its considered pretty good money I guess.. and I don have much choice too.
Well.. I think I am gonna kill myself wit an over packed schedule.

Basically, its gonna be teaching, dancing, rehearsing for some upcoming performances which I have promised to take part in and maybe another additional part time job at some cheapo cafes or wat so ever ls.
I hope I have time to date and stuff, but seriously although past experience really made me damn xian about dating, I still wan to do it.
Its like I am addicted.. haiz.. don ask me why..
Its jus holding on to the hope tt u might still meet someone.

Someone encouraged me by saying this.
U have to kiss a lot of frogs b4 u can meet ur prince charming.
Haha. And I so agree wit this.
So maybe I should be gald tt at least I have give up hope.
I am tired.. gonna stop typing now..
Shall update again..

251107, SUN, 1755hrs.

Remeber me this way D. U mean a lot to me.

2007-11-19T21:46:00.001-08:00

I had lunch wit him yesterday.

well u guys must be screaming at me, thinking why i am so stupid to still wan to see a jerk like him.

well it was a burfae treat tt he promised, and thus we went to this japanese restaurant, and had a fabulous lunch, at quite a Fabulous price too. but he paid, so it was ok.

we went for movie after tt, and watched Elizabeth, not too bad, but i was expecting more. and then he drove me home.

reason being, my mum called yesterday and confirmed a flight for me to be home tis WED, which is tomolo.

yes crazy i noe, some even wonder howw i can get a ticket in such short notice.

anyway guess it was destined.

so i had to rush home after lunch and movie wit him to pack, and nite time was jus hell.

called him after dinner to chat, and i jus wanted to clarify his feelings, cause trust me, yesterday's afternoon get together was really pleasant, i mean we really enjoy each other's company.

then as we talked, both of us lost it, and we jus cried like kids.

he seemd a little regret of tt e-mail tt he sent, but then i have already decided on going home early, so i have to do watever is decided.

guess he jus didn't expect me to do such a drastic thing.

so after much crying, i continued packing wit a heartache. and i sweart it sux.

its like my head made a veyr logical and correct decision of returning home early.

cause in tis case i don have to face him, and think of thim more when i am back, which may save more heartaches in the long run, and i should be home to visit dad. i have been too unfiliel, and i do believe a lot on karma. so tis is really bad karma, if i don show my dad more care and concern.

ok watever it is, the day still carries on wit a heart aching badly.

tis morning was more packing and stuff. and tis afternoon, i did manage to update my resume for job hunting in singapore for the next 3 motnhs.

and now here i am blogginng, cause i jus need a break, jus a little more stuff to pack u see.

tonite's plan is moi going to dinner wit him, cause i am buying him dinner as he has promised me to sent me to the airport.

and after dinner, i am staying over at his place.

ok, i heard another scream coming, cause when i told my housemates this, they jus smack and slapped and screamed at me for being stupid.

but then, the decision made by my head has already hurt my heart so much, i think spending my last nite here wit him, is jus to ease my heartache, and yes, my head is also screaming to me tt its not the right thing to do.

Watever, i have decided, so tt is jus going to happen, and tomolo evening, we will be heading to the airport.

so i guess tis post is going to be the last from aussie for 2007.

will update again when i am back in Singapore.

Pls wish me luck in finding happiness, or at least tell me wat to do to stay happy.

cause i seriously don noe now.

i am lost, i am confused when it comes to relationships.

its kinda of like my achilles heel.

I am now trying very hard to look forward to be home, and oso hope tt he and i can work things out.

meaning after i leave, i hope all the drama cease, and maybe, we can still be frens.

he created such a deep impact in me, i seriously wouldn;t be able to forget him at all.

i listened to a song, and i jus wan to dedicate tis post and song to him.

thanx for being my 1st aussie fren, and thanx for all the happy moments tt we had together.

Every now and then

We find a special friendwho never lets us down...

Who understands it all

reaches out each time we fall

you're the best friend i have found...

I know you can't stay

a part of you will never ever go away

your heart will stay.....

I'll make a wish for you,

and hope it will come true,

if life will just be kind,

to such a gentle mind,

if you lose your way,

think back on yesturday

remember me this way,

remember me this way.

I don't need eyes to see

the love you bring to me,

no matter where I go

and I know that you'll be there

forever-more a part of me and everywhere

I'll always care....

and I'll be right behind your shoulder,

watching you

I'll be standing by your side,

all you do

and I won't ever leave

as long as you believe,

you just believe....

I'll make a wish for you

and hope it will come true

if life will just be kind

to such a gentle mind

and if you lose your way

think back on yesturday

remember me this way

remember me this way.o.....this way.

I was reading the lyrics and listenng to tis song and the lousy me jus broke down again.

i can't stop crying.

Pls remember me this way.

I am gonna miss u, and i really really do care for u.

i jus hope u know.

good bye D.

Ur loving SunShine Forever.

201107, TUE, 1607hrs

Hate it when things don go the way i plan. Leaves me confused.

2007-11-18T03:01:00.001-08:00

Today is a confusing day.
Meaning i feel confused.

Ok.. lets track back a little to last nite.
And from the last post, i have already announced the arrival or Tragedy.
Stayed home last nite and my 2 closest housemates, plus 2 more frens came over for dinner and drinking session.
I swear we had a hell of a good time! haha..
i haven been so high since like the last trip i took to china.
There was so much alcohol and i really jus indulge myself tis time.
escaping yes, hoping to forget all the hurt i have been through earlier.

anyway he called halfway and i talked to him while i was real high.
BUT i still noe wat i am saying, not drunk yet.
jus tt when u r high wit alcohol, u us get the courage to say the things tt u never thought u would.
and yes, i told him i have reached a breaking point.
i don think i will have the strength and courage to try again.
but i am glad he kept his promise to buy me lunch, bring me to the beach and also give me a lift to the airport.
maybe we could still be frens.
i hope the 3 months back in SG will make me forget the good times we had together.
and i also hope i will forget the pains i have been through.

Dating is like a drug to me.
I am so addicted, its like part of my routine to jus go out and date.
U can call me desperate.
but i think everyone is, i jus show it more, without shame.

today's plan was lunch wit him and dinner at his place while watching idol.
Instead, it was lunch wit my mates and then shopping for my present, dinner at home, and australian idol at home.
am i happy, actually i was.
but knowing tt there was an even better initial plan, makes me feel depressed.

i hate it when things don go the way i plan.
which in this case, is the best example.
maybe i shouldn't expect so much.
hoping tt tis will cause less disappointment.

the happy thing is i got a pair of smashing shoes which i really like thanx to 7 of my housemates who sponsored 140 bucks of it, and i had to top up onli 30 bucks more.
trust me, i am not really a show person, and tis show is considered the greatest investment so far.
170 aussie equates to about 225 Sing dollars. I swear its crazy!
but then, i think i jus wanna indulge and be happy.
anway its a burfdae present.

ok random thoughts cross my mind.
i am so not sought out.
room is in a mess although i am suppose to spend time to pack my room these few days, and i do have more time now since plans have been screwed up.

ok more random thoughts about HIM.
actually there are many reasons why its crazy for us to be together..
we totally don like the same kinda of music. and i mean really really different.
I am an attention seeker, and he totally hates it.
i am into hot guys wit good looks, and trust me, he is not hot, and actually, he is even a little overweight,, think 178cm and 83kg, when i am 181cm and 67kg.
yes i am taller by 3cm but he is heavier then me by like 16kg.
we don have much to talk about.
but then ppl say opposites do attract.

things tt may pull us together includes the same taste for film. meaning movies, not porn.
the way we kiss.
i mentioned to him tt he is the best kisser i have met, and i do mean it.
he corrected me by saying we are jus compatible kissers.
meaning everyone have different ways of kissing, jus tt if ur partner has the same kising style and pattern as u, then u 2 will probably enjoy more.
and yes he is the most compatible wit me so far.
he is a bottom and i am a top. meaning i like to fuck and he likes to get fuck.
we didn't really had sex. onli once and it failed.
not because i am lousy, ok maybe i was, but he wasn't even turn on the whole time.
so half way, i jus stopped cause he obviously wasn't enjoying as much as i am.
and this was oso the reason why he felt tt we were not meant to be together!
cause he said he needed more feelings for him to make love wit a person, and he is holding back his feelings for me because of wat happened in the past, and the fact tt i am going off for 3 months and he don wan to miss me so much, tts why he is not putting feeling in!
fuck tt selfish bastard.
anyway sex wasn't great, so tt was a minus point too.
plus point is tt he is not onli a good kisser, he is a good blower too, one of the best i had.
guess i should spare u guys the details here or it will be getting too explicit.

ok trying to stop thinking bout him and me.
things tt i really need to do now is to pack my room, pack my luggage, and do my resume, cause i need to find a part time job for money.
i am really poor. any donations will be welcomed.
ok then. i am tired.

181107, SUN, 2307hrs

Sorry, I lost it all again.

2007-11-16T23:27:00.000-08:00

Life gives us a lot of opputunities to learn from our mistakes.
And when we don, they make us learn at even a higher and bigger price.
This is wat hapened to me.
Just when i thought i could give it all up, it came right back at me.
and then i fall for it, and made the same old mistake again.
Punishment tis time is far greater.
And I choose not to confront it anymore.
but rather, i wan to escape from it.
sorry for being a coward.
but i am tired.
its not the usual me to run away from my problems.
but i hope i am entitled to some rest and happiness.

I have been an unfilial son.
My dad is in hospital.
jus had an operation.
and here i am, thinking bout having fun for the coming week.
then tragedy struck today when all plans are going to be canceled due to some stupid reasons.
and i have no one to blame.
maybe it is god's will to wan me to return home soon.
maybe i am jus not entitled to love and be loved.
maybe i am jus not given to opputunity to have fun and relax here.
maybe returning to sunny singapore is jus a destiny i have to fulfil.

sorry to many of my frens whom i have disappointed too many times.
sorry for having to listen to me nag and bitch about how sad and fuck up my life is.
sorry for not listening to the advice all u guys have given me.
sorry for not loving myself like u guys love me.
sorry to the ppl who loves me, cause i haven loved u back enough.
sorry to shame u guys for making the wrong decision again and again.
sorry but the strong me, isn't tt strong after all.

i can't remmeber the last time i could cry out loud.
tears stream down my face whnever i feel sad.
but i really wan to cry out loud.
and i feel like doin it now.
i am not a drama queen.
tis is jus me.
fuck all those who think i act emo and dramatise my life.

cause the matter of truth,
i have a fucked up life, wit lots of fucked up ppl and i chose to stay fucked up despite having a lot more better choices to choose from.
ultimately.
i am fucked up.

i have no one to blame but myself.
fuck u bitch.
u lost again tis time.

i am not perfect at the end of the day.
I jus try to be.
but obviously, i have been an utter failure.

171107, SAT, 1815hrs

Shopping Makes me Crazily Happy!!

2007-11-14T07:08:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was my last day of exams.
i wasn't really excited when it all ended. it was a little dissapointing cause i felt like i didn't do so well. i knew i could do better.
jus went for dance after tt and the day jus ended on a boring and bad note wit my mum calling, to "confirm" the bad news bout my dad. watever.

today was better. woke up early and 3 of my frens and i head down to harbour town, which is near gold coast to shop.
things there are known to be really cheap, so i was really excited over my retail therapy.
and we really shop like crazy. probably like more than 3 hrs of shopping. and i swear i bought a lot of stuff, and spend a lot of money too.. sorry mummy.
but it was worth it stuff, and most of it are presents for some of my frens, so its like a mutual thingy.

and i am so going to share wat i bought today, and the price of those stuff. haha..

1.) Rip curl flip flops. 3 pairs for $20.
when the original price of one pair was $24.95!! OMG.. tts how cheap it is.
and i spent another $3 to get one of those eco bags from rip-curl. haha.

2.) bought a pair of ear studs for jus $1 from "cotton on", and a female purse for a fren at $1!!
where do u even get a decent purse for $1?? its ridiculous.
and one of my frens decided to buy me another pair of ear studs too, so i got 2 new pairs!!
original price of one pair of ear studs: $5, and purse: $7

3.) went to "just jeans" and i almost bought a pair of skinny jeans which cost $20, but i was stoppoed by my frens. haha. they look tooooo skinny and also too gay on me. haha..
BUT, i still bought one tee-shirt from there for $10, when the original price was $30!!

4.) following tt was "city beach", and i onli bought an additional pair of flops for one of my female fren at $15. a little ex, but it is from billabong, and it looks really nice!. original price was $24.95 too, so still worth it!

5.) ADIDAS was the next stop!! OMG OMG OMG!! things are cheap, but nothing much tt i really like eh.
found the pair of shoes tt i was dying to have, but they don have my size! DAMN IT!!..
but then i bought 6 water bottles, all for my frens. haha, and they were like $6 dollars each!!
also bought 2 pairs of wrist bands at $13, will keep one pair for me, and the other for another fren.
oh, and also a track pants. those typical black ones wit white strips. yeah! have been wanting to get one, cause its $40 here, so its much cheaper, and thus finally got one. heehee. original price was $70 eh.

6.) oh then next was "jay jay's". this was when i am already tired, and the shop was going to close, but still i shopped like crazy!!
bought a dress for mummy, and it was onli $7.50!! when the original price was $29!!
and i bought 6 tee shirts!! YES 6!!! cause it was 3 for $10!!! haha.. one for my fren, and all the rest for MOI!! yeah!! haha.. original price of one t-Shirt is $15, and thus 6 would have cost $90, but i onli spent $20!! CRAZY I NOE!!

tt pretty sums up all the shopping for today, jus 6 shops and we were tired already, plus the shops were also all closed by the time we are done. haha..

total amount spent today: $155 (everything accounted in aussie dollars, haha)
total savings gotten: $215 (WHICH MEANS I SAVED MORE THAN I SPENT!!)

HAHA.. i noe i sound like some sales man, but i had so so much fun shopping!!
seriously, most of the stuff are for ppl, and onli maybe 20%percent is for moi. haha..
but still it was fun.
had dinner at nando's after tt and went for dance class too!! yeah..
so overall it was a good day although something unpleasant happen at nite, but i don wan to talk bout it, cause i wan tis to be a HAPY post. heehee..

yeah tt should be all for now!! looking forward to more happy holidays b4 returning to SG.

0153hrs, 151107, THU

Hapy 22nd Burfdae!!

2007-11-07T02:03:00.000-08:00

Today is Moi's burfdae.
22nd one.
but i am trying to convince ppl tt its my 18. haha.. how sad.
when u r old, u jus try to be young.

Last nite on the bed, i was listening to my MP3 and then i heard my phone rang.
Well, it was when i realised its 12am, and there it was, my frens in brisbane called, the ppl who don stay wit me.
I am touched, we talked for almost 20mins, sorry to waste so much money cause its expensive to make calls in aussie.
and the 3 of them are actually the one who sponsored my 1st burfdae present, the FCUK cardigen.
so i was really touched.
but yesterday's paper, international gaming managment proved to much to think, and i had a headache after tt. went home, had dinner and jus slacked.. haha

this morning, the lazy me, and the really cool weather made me slept in.. till late. haha..
onli woke up at bout 11 cause was suppose to go for lunch together wit 2 of my housemates and another guy, who drives.
so we head down to booval, another part of brisbane for lunch at red rooster.
ok. red rooster is like a fast food restaurant, think KFC.. and yes, their speciality is oso chicken,..
haha.. so we had lunch there.. and it was alright.. not too bad.
i chose tis place cause i haven tried b4, so trying not to be left out, my frens had to come wit me. haha..
and it wasn't extrememly satisfying i must say..
so the stressful 4 of us, went across the street and cotinued eating chicken!! haha.. at KFC!!
yes we ate like we were starving kids man!! and i was so sick and tired fo chicken after lunch..
and i went to school for some revision, and i onli like studies for 1 hr, b4 heading to the library for some youtubbing again.. haha.
and in order not to feel guilty, i had to convince myself tt its my burfdae, so its alright.. but seirously, studying is so tiring and i really had no motivation, wit a great thanx to the weather.. it has been raining non stop since last nite..
u jus wan to sleep!!
haha..

tonite's dinner was not bad.. it wasn't tt good, but i was smiling throughout..
cause when i arrived at the dining hall, there was a hugh boy sitting on the table, and b4 i even step into the dining room, i can already hear my housemates screaming.
and there it stood. i opened the box and read the card.. and i was shocked.. seirously..
the person whom i least expect to give me surprises actually had flowers delivered to me.. half a dozen of lilies..
i swear i am not a flower person, but i was touched.. truely.
it smelled great, and the lilies are not standing tall in my room and toilet.. haha..
my housemates bought me another cake and we had more burfdae song singing and photo taking after dinner..
was i happy today??
i really had a bunch of mixed feelings..
touched by the gifts, happy about the smses and the messages i got online.
i truely noe tt i am blessed wit a lot of ppl around me.
i told myself i think i should learn how to be more happy bout life, and focus on the happy stuff..
wit examss still in mind, and totally no mood to study, i am trying to excuse myself to sleep early again tonite..
but should i ?
i tink i really lost the motivation and drive in me to do well..

anyway i oso realised something today.
despite not being a flower fan, receving the flower felt great. its not about the gift..
its about the oohhhhsss and the aaahhhsss u get from the ppl around u..
u can see how envy or even jealous some ppl can get..
nothing bad.. but u jus felt like the most important person sometimes..
jus too bad this feeling onli last for a while. tts why sometimes i rather get a gift tt can last longer.
i don noe.. but watever it is, i must stress i am really ahppy wit the gift and the luv i got today.
I am blessed. i jus need to learn how to treasure it more. and stoop asking for more.
HaPy 22nd Burfdae!!
Move on, Be strong, Stay Focus & Love everyday.

071107, WED, 2111hrs

Its not the place tt is screwed, its me who is screwed.

2007-11-03T04:12:00.001-07:00

Believe it or not, over the course of more than 2 yrs, i onli gotten my 100th post. haha..
i am not a fan of blogging like i said.
my blog is boring and upsetting.
but i don deny the fact tt it does help me express my inner feelings and make my dinner better.. sometimes.
well.. tis is the 2nd post of today.
i slept like for 4 hrs in the afternoon. trust me, i am not tt lazy usually. as in i don sleep tt much.
but tt was like a form of escapism.
Still a little upset over my paper today.
ppl have told me i wrote too much. and i still thought i didn't cover enough.
i am in a state of confuse. i am worried for my results.
i jus can't move on... yet..
i wanted someone to talk to.
i called the 2 guys tt i liked.
one has his phone off, and he is apparently in melbourne now. totally unrealiable..
the other in sydney, comfirmed tt we have both iven up tis long distance dating thingy.
he felt embareesed in telling me , so i had to tell him 1st.
tell me my heart is broken and the pressure is killing me.
i jus wan a break. not a break up.
I am always glad tt i have pretty a lot of close peeps around me to share my joy and sadness.
And i am also ashame to say tt i have never treated them well enough at times.
but i am really sincere and i do care a lot for them.
i wonder if this comes off to them cause i realise i always give very bad and wrong impressions.
love has become a really far fetched thing for me now.
and how i hope i can date a gal. hopping tt a gal will not be like a guy.
cause i hope they don jus like me physically.
gay love is heavily based on physical attraction and sex, which is really turn off after sometime.
dinner was so bloody feeling wit pizzas and chicken, i feel like puking now.
waiting for more movies on TV to show, so i can slack and get fat.
next show in 10 mins is charlie's angel.
OK... i miss Singapore today. the food and the company i have back there.
Everything here seems screwed.
the studies and the dating.
i am screwed.
it happen back then in Singapore, now in Aussie.
its not tt place. its jus me.
someone tell me wat to do pls?

021107, SAT, 2131hrs

Andre Ziehe and Evandro Soldati. HOT Brazalian Models.

2007-11-02T20:11:00.000-07:00

Today i feel defeated.
I went to war and it didn't turn out well.
I had so much prepare, but i didn't manage to show it.
There was jus not enough time.
I can't even believe i wrote non-stop for 2 freaking hours.
I believe i wrote a lot more than the other ppl in the room. some even left early, how stupid.
I know i should move onand start studying for the other stuff, but i think i am entitled to broad over tis pathetic issue and be sad for a while.. haiz..
alright.. i jus had lunch and now i feel like sleeping.. how fatteing..
today's exam was like i already tried my best but its not good wnough..
and tis feeling seriously sux.
one paper down. 3 more to go..
wish me luck..
i jus found 2 new models to envy and get motivated on.
Andre Ziehe and Evandro Soldati. they are 2 hot brazalian models who is totally high fashion i swear..
they have done like LV, D&G, Armani, DSquared..
all the brands tt i wan to model for..
and then i realise they are my age.. how sad!! and they are 6 foot 2..
even sadder.. tts lke 188 cm.. and tts the standard height la..
i jus need to be taller.. and everytime i tell ppl tt, they jus say i am tall enough..
wat ignorant beings..
they don noe the fashion industry, i am onli tall enough to be a female model! hahaha..
byebye.. wanna sleep and resstttt..

031107, SAT, 1410hrs.

Confessions.

2007-11-01T19:37:00.000-07:00

Alright.. i have a few confessions to make.

I have a paper tomolo.. like my 1st exam after don noe how many donkey years.
I am quite stress.. but not tt stress yet.
cause i still feel like facebooking and youtubbing.. which is not good..
and i actually spent time blogging.. so u should noe i am not studying hard enough.
but i noe the pressure is going to step in as the day gets closer.. mind u tt my paper is early 8am tomolo, so i totally don have any time to study tomolo actually..
and yes, i actually thought of watching TV tonite after dinner!! OMG.. wat am i doin??
tell me i am too slack.

i always wonedr wat do ppl do wehen they get stressed and stuff..
for me, i have to go to the toiolet b4 any paper, cause i have had too much experince of visiting toilet during the paper and its suck a waste of time.
and i noe i am so not going to have enough time to go toilet tomolo ducing my 2 hr paper.
and when i say go toilet, it means shitting.. cause my stomach jus gets upset when i am anxious.
haha.. no matter how prepared i am, i will still wan to shit.

and the night b4 when i get too stress thinking bout the paper the next day, the best rememdy for me will be the Big O.. as in orgasm.. yes.. ok.. a little rated here.. so skip this if u r weak hearted..
Its always good to have a partner to fuck when u are stressed.. i swear its great relieve when u orgase.. it jus puts u to sleep, and relax ur body.. and since i am alone here, i guess my best frens will be my hands.. and isn't tt jus sad..

ok.. i am in school now.. trying to study and stuff.. but still stuck to the computer..
there is like a routine everyday when i wake up.
switching my laptop is one of the things. and then logging on to yahoo mail, facebook. friendster and fridae is the next step after washing up and breakfast.
and if time allows, it will then be followed by many of my fren's blog.. hahaha.. tell me i am pathetic..

Tomolo is an uncertain day. i have never took an exam for years and to think, its one overseas.. how would i noe how issit going to be like? OMG
thinking bout it makes me nervous..
all i noe is tt i onli have 2 hrs and everyone jus stresses, 2 hrs is NEVER enough.. haha.. i can't imagine myself writing for 2 hrs non stop.. but guess tts jus the deal.. i better take my medication tomolo b4 my arthritis worsen..

oh.. and recently there was this sweet guy who came up to me on friendster and added me..
then we started to chat on MSN. and we do have quite a lot to chat about;.. haha..
so i am looking forward to going back to SG and meet him..
but he is an aries.. and the scorpio me has never been known to be able to attract aries.. well.. i hope he is one of the few then.. and he is kinda of closeted..
and there is another OMG factor to it.. he is an ACS plus ACJC boy.. i never thought i can get along wit ppl like tt cause they are jus full of themselves and stuff. haha.. but whatever it is, lets jus wait till i have seen him for further comments..

and yes, i have gotten my 1st burfdae present for this year courtesy of 3 of my close peeps who are in aussie too!! its the cardigen tt i bought from FCUK.. they offered to pay for me as my burfdae present.. i am happy!! cause i really like it..
now i am jus looking forward to more presents.. haha.. how shameless.. but this is a confession post isn't it? watever..

ok.. i am tired from typing already. gonna watch some top model.. oopppsss... someone kick my ass so i can go study...
after my top model thougj.. hahahaha/./

021107, FRI, 1252hrs

Too many fucked up ppl in my fucking life to fuck up my already fucked up life.

2007-10-30T04:20:00.000-07:00

Today is fuck up.
Is one of those days when u jus wanna scream out loud and cry.
Went for dance but there was no fucking lesson.
Called 2 ppl but they didn;t pick up.
one called back eventually and apparently he was also having a bad day, even though it was his burfdae. talked a while, and it seems tt he jus wans to end the phone call ASAP.
jus good nite and he ended the fucking call.. how fucking rude. i am pissed.
i am pissed wit everything and anything.

I don like to date so many ppl at all..
all i need is one.
but i really have no fucking idea who tt one is, and i have no fucking idea if the one exist.
it sux cause everyone thinks i am this tough and strong bitch who fucks around.
but seriously. its really not who i am and who i wan to be.
all i wan is tt special someone who can make me happy and satisfy me.
maybe i am asking for too much.
maybe i am too desperate.
maybe its jus not time.
i have no fucking idea.

its so true tt when u play hard to get, ppl treasure u more.
and they will wan u more.,
when u truely care and be there for the person, they jus take u for granted, or worse, they jus don feel like having u anymore. how sad.

exams in 4 days time and i am sooo not prepared. i hate it.
i hope i can be in the warrior mode, preparing for war and stuff.. but i jus can't .
tooo many distractions.
There is jus too many fucked up ppl in my fucking life to fuck up my already fucked up life.
Don't u jus luv wat i jus type.. haha. it was random but it was jus too cool.. thus my heading for tis post.
I wonder wat i am lacking..something is jus missing.
I need some help.. maybe counselliong..
haiz.. WTF...
i need to realise my emotions.
HHEEELLLPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(tis is wat happens when i don get to dance).

301007, TUE, 2132hrs

I WAN HIM FIRED!!!

2007-10-22T02:35:00.000-07:00

Today is a i almost got a heart attack day!!
I got back my results for my presentation and the marks which already knew yesterday was not justified today!!
I swear my tutor should go to hell.
there are 2 things tt he said which really made me flipped.

"Its only 2 marks, like half a percent, its not going to make a difference to your grade"

OMG. can u seriously believe a tutor will see tis! how unprofessional. and yes, btw, i am 2 marks away from the next fucking grade!!
the next best thing he said when we asked for feedback.

"I really can't remember ur presentation cause we like heard so many presentations. Maybe we should have talked to u guys straight after the presentation."

WAT THE FUCKK!!!! its not my fucking fault tt u forgot my presentation. MAKE NOITES THEN!! u noe i will come and ask u. halo its ur job to remember even u have a 100 presentations to sit through.
I gave up talking to him after 20 mins cause he jus refuse to budge. and i noe my results will stay the same after 20 hours of pointless arguing.

I am so going to see my lecturer. and i am jus thinking whether should i complain bout tis useless tutor.
he jus brought out the scorpio in me.
FUCK HIM!!

221007, MON, 1943hrs

All I want is jus One.

2007-10-21T00:38:00.000-07:00

I feel defeated today.

I have been having loads of fun for the past 2 days but not today.

U noe how much it hurts when u are so bloody happy one day, and then terribly upset the next.

Its like an emotional roller coaster ride tt fucks up ur life.

I got back my results for my presentation today.

18.9 out of 30! wat the FUCK!!

I am so terribly pissed, upset and disappointed!!

i have never done a lousy presentation in my life!~

and lets jus say i am way below the class average of 22 when i noe my class FUCKING SUCK!!

i am so gonna talk to my lecturers tomolo. I jus hope their reasoning is convincing.

Anyway my dad contracted cancer. throat cancer.

nothing surprising for me.

i wasn;t tt sad a few days back when i noe the news, but today it hit my like a rock hit my head,

it kinda of hurt

i am really upset tt my mum , my bro and sis didn;t even wan to tell me.

i jus don noe wat are they thinking.

i haven called him cause apparently he has already lost his voice.

so i don c a point

and i don noe wat to say exactly, cause i don even noe the whole situation.

lets jus conclude tt today is a bad bad day, and u jus wan it to end immediately.

2 days ago, went clubbin and i was happy dancing the nite away.

last nite, went KTV and after tt mahjong.

Onli came home tis morning at 5 am!

think life is tt great, i don think so.

its the calm b4 all the exam stress!

and like wat u have read above, today isn;t tt great after all.

I am dating 4 guys now.

believe it or not.

its not a good thing.

i thought i shoudln;t focus on jus one cause i am always hurt by the one person.

and tts why i chose to date 4 ppl.

jus date.

Guy number one is in another state now. I like him the most cause he makes me happyh when i am wit him. we only spent 2 days together. but the attraction was pretty intense when we were together. its long distance. and probablu not going to work. But i don noe why i am still holding on. cause maybe all i wan is jus tt happinees he brings me when i am wit him. he is a tauras anyway.

Guy number two is someone i have blogged about. the guy who made me really upset, the 1st aussie guy i dated. The scorpio who kinda of play mindgames wit me all the time. I jus don noe why i still wan to date him. its jus tt i am attracted to him. Even after all tt he had done to me. I am stupid, but i jus don wan to think bout it so much. so ya. tts number 2.

Number 3 is a HK guy who has been staying in aussie for a long time. jus went out twice.

not too bad a company, can get a little boring. a libra. and my fren's kinda of like him cause he is easy going. but for me, its more of like a fren to me. not much of a potential partner.

and he has a wide range of DVDs for me to borrow, so i get plenty of entertainment while i am in aussie.

Last and 4 th guy, well not relaly dating. jus went out a couple of times too. the ireland guy who is bisexual. i feel kinda of bad sometimes cause he actually has a partner already. a woman whom he has been with for 10 years. yeah i noe its a long time and i noe i am a slut.

despite the pretty big age gap, we do have quite a lot to talk about. and he is pretty interesting. a tauras too. hmmm..

sometimes i don noe wat i am thinking. but lets jus say despite the attention tt i am getting, i still feel lonely and cold when nite falls.

afterr all, i jus wan ONE tt can stay wit me for the rest of my life.

Haiz, life sux. and talk bout a sucky day, i actually tore my favourite NIke Shorts while i was in dinner jus now.

still wearable but it jus got a little more sexy.

I wan to go sleep early tonite after TV and stuff..

Praying tt tomolo will be a better day.

211007, SUN, 2030hrs.

“You have to sell your look and you gotta be fierce, you gotta be strong and confident and every day, because every day is a challenge.”

2007-10-11T05:18:00.000-07:00

well.. today i learned two lessons in life.
its more study related...
jus wanns share it...

the 1st one goes like tt..
i am currently doin tis course, business law now.. and part of the assignment requires us to omplete 6 online quizzes of ten questions every fornight.. the weitage of each quiz is 5%.
today, was the submission for the 5th quiz.. and moi has gotten a perfect score of 20% for the pass 4 quizzes.. well i am quite sure this has cause some unhappiness or jealousy in some of my mates.. cause the fact is, i usually attempt the quiz wit 4 other of my frens..
today was the same, and me boing the best scored so far, gave the others the chance to choose who goes 1st, cause if u r lucky, u may get repeated questions when u r the last few. but experince says tt the quiz jus gets harder after the 1st person...
and so, i was the last to attempt the quiz.. well we took 2 fucking hours to complete the quiz for the 4 ppl in front of me.
and when it was my turn, the quiz i got happen to have 8 repeated questions out of 10.. which means i am already gurantee a 4% mark.
so everyone jus left to pack their stuff and didn't really bother to help me wit the oter 2 questions. hell i was pissed.. and me being not in the right mind, cause i was fucking tired..
had class form 10-2pm.. one hour break, and then class again form 3-4pm.. and we did the quiz form 4-6pm..
when it was my turn it was already bout 6 pm! i swear i am fucking tired and i sure crack my brains out for the 4 ungrateful ppl.. well maybe not all 4..
when i submitted my quiz and it showed me a grade of 4.5% which mean i got one mistake..
one fucked up guy actually said something which totally almost made me lose my cool.
"OH no, the 5 point legend is gone~!"
WAT THE FUCK!! i helped u when it was ur turn to do the quiz, and is this wat i fucking get when its my turn! FUCK YOU!!
i was onli glad tt , one of the guy actully did help me solve the thing, but i didn't wait for his answert cause everyone was packing up already. and i jus hastily guesed the other 2 questions.. well i got one worng, and one right..
On the way home, i was angry wit myself, not anyone else..
i was disapointed because i noe i could have gotten full marks if i took a while longer.. i took less then 5 mins actually.. damn it..
i promise myslef i am going to take all the time in the world for the next and last quiz.. its every man for himself.. FUCK OFF if u r an UNGRATEFUL JERK!!

the 2nd lesson goes like this..
my best sista, cum housemate had a presentation today and she got 95% for it..
i was really happy for her and how i wish i was in her group.
i oso did my 1st presentation on MON tis week and lets jus say i nailed it.
i was so confident and i noe i did more than a good job.. i did great!
but my group was only alright..
well..i don question and doubt my presentation skilld..
i totally am disappointed wit my LEADERSHIP here!!
wat have i learn all these years??
i totally can't be bothered..
i mean if my group were to not perform well last time, i will seirously screw them..
but tt drive in me is gone!
seirously. some of them are terrible and far below standard.. haiz.. and i jus let it be!!
tis is so not me!!
tts why i really need to find my old self back.. and ask for more!!
“You have to sell your look and you gotta be fierce, you gotta be strong and confident and every day, because every day is a challenge.”
I noe i am capable of much more.. and i noe i should push myself to my fullest potential..
i jus need the drive!!
I must constantly remind myself!!!

“You have to sell your look and you gotta be fierce, you gotta be strong and confident and every day, because every day is a challenge.” --Tyra Banks--

Totally luv the quote above.. luv tyra.. luv top model..
i am so youtubbing topmodel cycle 9 noW!!
and i have to do it in school cause the server at home bans youtube!! OMG!!
anwway. tts all for today!!

111007, THU, 2336hrs.

I luv cheap flicks, bimbotic shows and fairytale luv.

2007-10-06T07:20:00.000-07:00

I have loads of random stuff to share..
Today was a outing day wit my poly mates...
had dim sum for lunch in the city!!!.
then we went shopping. and i bought a new visor from Adidas!! so happy.. i have the black one acutaully.. so i bought another white one today! yeah..
and i bought a cardigen from FCUK!!
anyway i have been a fan of FCUK.. i mean i like the designs and stuff but i have never own anything from it..
have always had the urge to buy the Tee shirts but ack in SG.. i always rather buy something from Topman.. and since there is no Topman in Aussie, i went to FCUK to shop today!!
yeah. i mean i like the design and stuff.. its quite me..
sleek, chic, cool and clean designs...
and my 2 pals had a hard time trying to look for a pair f shorts for me! haha.. cause i wanted it for my birthday, so i shamelessly asked them to get one for me!! haha.. but we can't find any!!
anyway back to FCUK 1st, the cardigen tt i bought was for 50 aussie cause it was on sale. it was quite a slurge, but i think its a good buy.. so i bought it.. haha.. originally, tt thingy caused 70 aussie...
oh yeah.. and then after shopping, we had bubble tea!! yeah..
and then the 3 of us went to take City Cat to southbanks...
we were really lazy, cause actually we could have walk to southbanks for the movie, but we actually took a city cat, and it was onli one stop.. haha..
but anyway i am happy also cause its my 1st time taking a city cat after being here for almost 3 months.. (for the benifit of ppl who wonder wat is a city cat, its actually a ferry service along the brisbane river.)..
ok.. we watched nanny diaries today and the show was not bad.. i mean i like these shows la.. and last nite on TV, i actually watched "how to lose a guy in 10 days". haha..
i swear cheap flicks, bimbotic shows and fairytale luv is my guilty indulgence,,
okk.. but then.. the journey back is totally terrile and killing..
one hour of train ride and 30mins of walk.. well.. U really must have ur MP3 when u r travelling, or i will die of boredom.. and oso, its good if u have something to read on the train...

anyway, i still have loads of things to say, but i am kinda of tired already...
I wan to go back to the old me where my dream of becoming a top model takes over me and i work out like crazy!!
so tomolo, i am so going to go jogging in the morning., haha.. gotta force myself. cause i wan to show tt i have lost weight when i get back to SG.. hee...
wish me luck in my transformation to be a more attractive SunSHine!!
I noe i already am.. haha.. but its never enough.. i am a perfectionist..

0053hrs, 071007, SUN

GooD MorninG!! The last day of term break.

2007-09-29T18:28:00.000-07:00

Ok.. i realised i haven blogged for quite sometime.
well.. tis week was my term break.. and today marks the last day of the term break..
i decided to start today a little differnet, since its the last day of slacking for me..
i woke up without going to wash up 1st.. i actually read a couple of pages of my book. which is good..
cause ppl who knows me will noe i usually read motivational and self-help books, and so it got me motivated. haha..
and yes, wat i di dwas on my com and pluck in loads of dancy tunes, and i jus danced to it and did some crunches and stuff.. which made me feel totally energetic now.. and since my com is already on, i decided to continue doing my usual stuf which includes checking mails, friendster, fridae and now, facebook.. haha..
and now i am feeling all hungry, so i guess i shall go wash up and get some brunch.. haha..
i hope the sun is good later, cause i was thinking of some sun tanning to make my day even better..
oh yes. i think today is a good day.. but yesterady was bad.. still procrasinating to share my story cause its so embaressing.. haha.. ok watever...
update again some other time..

300907, SUN, 1147hrs

updates bout my life in 190907.

2007-09-18T15:07:00.000-07:00

Jus wanted to blog, and to update some stuff bout life.
1.) Had my 1st academic test yesterday on Financial Management, I think i conquered it.
I don wan to jus pass, i wan a distinction, and base on yesterday's paper, i think i have quite a high chance to score full marks for it. I was so anxious the nite b4 cause i haven been taking tests for the longest time. I am jus praying now tt everything turns out right.
2.) I have had loads of e-mail from frens asking me to join facebook and stuff..
i noe its an IN thing now and i should be taking part in it.. BUT i haven quite had the time to go participate in tis trend as yet.. yesterday, as i was going thru my mail again, i got a mail from my ex lecturer, whom i duely respect and love. And she actually invited me to join some network thingy on facebook. OMG. even my lecturer uses facebook now!! so now i am seriously getting an account b4 i get more mails to ask me to join facebook. ok i get it.
3.) hmmm, he is back for me. he had broken up wit his BF. yes damn it. i noe ppl out there probably think i am the back up plan, or the reject guy or watever u call it.. i am not too sure too. i am confused too. haiz. my feelings for him is not as strong as b4. cause i was too badly hurt the previous time, but yet, i noe i still like him in a way. so maybe after all i am going to stil meet up wit him agan and c how life goes. haiz.. i am scared to make another decision. it sux.
4.) yesterday after dance class, while i was showering, i got cruised, meaning someone try to hook up wit me. ok.. i noe it sounds like its from some porn flick, but maybe its the angmoh society. Anyway, lets not go into details on wat we did, but o some interesting facts about tis guy. I swear i am jus an innocent party. He is from Ireland with shocking bluish-green eyes which makes ur knees go weak. He works as a researcher in the universty. Some ecology shit which i have no idea about. here comes the best part, he is ATTACHED to a PARTNER! and the worst part is, THE PARTNER IS A WOMAN!! he is BISEXUAL TOO!! and the cool thing is tt, he came to australia to work wit his partner and they stay together and stuff. so they are really pretty close. and the partner knows tt he is bisexual and stuff.. isn't tt cool.. i mean as much as he is quite sexy, i am not tt attracted to him physically anymore, i think its his life tt is cool.. haha.. a totally interesting person. and OMG, the accent he has is jus "cool". haha..
watever it is, i better stop here, cause i have got WORK TO DO!! HELP!!! haiz..
JIAYOU JIAYOU JIAYOU!!! BYE peeps..

190907, WED, 0822hrs.

For Mummy.

2007-09-15T06:07:00.000-07:00

I am dedicating tis post to my mum.
I miss her..
Yup.. she is the most important person in my life after all.. but its sad tt i only realised it so late..
since i was young, she had given me the best.. and she tries not to turm me down wit all my ridiculous wants and needs..
frens thought tt i was rich and spoilt.. well, i am not rich, but i am definately spoilt by her..
I didn't grow up to depends on her a lot.. i think i am quite independent actually..
but then, i start to boss her around, telling her wat to do and stuff.. and i become even more ridiculous..
coming to australia to study was a choice tt i made..
i didn't consult her.. i didn't even give her a chance to say no to me..
i jus insisted tt i can do it and i wan to do it..
i didn't care if she had to work harder.. i didn't care if she would miss me..
i didnt care if she would be worried bout me..
but i noe she does..
its raining outside now.. and the rain is as ridiculous as me..
Who the hell would think tt australia would rain at a time like tis.. and tis heavily..
well.. i am sunshine.. and when i am down and sad, the rain will fall..
i don noe why.. but it jus seems to happen.. its quite scary..
wheni feel down and sad.. the rain jus company me...
i think i will call mummy later.. but whenever the phone rings and she picks up..
i jus don noe wat to say..
i am afraid tt saying i miss her would make her miss me more..
i am afraid to tell her my problems.. i don wan her to worry..
but sometimes, i jus wan to noe tt she is fine.. and i miss my grandma too..
well...
after the ordeal in the last few days, it was really too much for me to take..
i am badly hurt and injured..
i need time to heal and recover..
i realised i should luv the ppl tt luv me..
and i shouldn'v luv the ppl tt didn't luv me at all..
but luv is blind and i can't help it..
i am trying to move on. trying to concentrate on my work..
i have a test coming up..
i haven took a test for so long.. i wonder if i can take the pressure..
i hope to score well. i wan to do well. i wan my distinctions... but i am afraid i will be disappointed at the end of the day..
i don think i should continue grumbling here anymore..
i am now going to spend my time studying and working hear..
i don wan mummy to be disappointed...
she said tt i should study hard, and she will work hard for me..
isn't tt the most touching thing?
i must prepare for war.. i need my fighting spirit back...
i need the sun to shine on me again.. i need to focus on my goals and dreams..
last but not least, i mustn't let anyone down..
its been 2 months since i last saw u. Take care mummy..

150907, SAT, 2318hrs.